Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

15. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.
14. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.

13. PMS lasts all month.

12. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.

11. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now "Are you finished yet?!"

10. He yawns when you *itch about that guy hitting on you at work.

9. Dildos, S & M, menage ... anything to break the monotony.

8. You used to walk hand in hand, now you run to keep up.

7. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.

6. Two weeks no orgasm.

5. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.

4. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.

3. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.

2. The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.

And the number one sign the honeymoon is over ...
1. You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.

[CobraDan]

THE STORY OF MAN... ANY MAN
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So, I decided
I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and
threatened suicide. So, I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 28, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 35, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was
great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So, I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 42, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am now 55 and am looking for a girl with really big tits.

[Gordon Claunch]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.

[Turk]

Subject: Inspirational Story


Last Christmas I was rushing around trying to finish shopping. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the season. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot. As I was loading my car I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later, so I retraced my steps toward the mall entrance. I was scanning the wet pavement for the lost receipt when I heard a quiet sobbing. It was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12. He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill. Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred-dollar bill.

Thinking that he might just be lost, I asked if I could help. He told me his sad story.

He said he came from a large family.... Three brothers and four sisters.

His father died when he was nine. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made minimum wage, but had somehow saved two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents.

She dropped off the young lad on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. As he approached the mall a bigger boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.
The boy said, "I did."
"And nobody came?" I queried.
The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.
"How loud did you scream?" I inquired.
The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

It was then that I realized no one was ever going to hear that kid’s cry for help.... So I grabbed his other hundred and took off!


Signed,
Kenneth Lay-ENRON

[Turk]

Subject: Speeding ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer:
May I see your driver's license?

Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer:
The car is stolen?

Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver:
Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?

Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain:
Who's car is this?

Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver:
No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

TURK

[Turk]

In his Sunday sermon, the minister used, "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation held up their hands.

Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs.Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-six."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation
how a lady can live to be ninety-six and not have an enemy in the world."

The old lady teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the
congregation, and blurted out,

"I outlived the Sons of B!**es!"

TURK

[CobraDan]

OVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG
IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

[Flyin_Freddie]

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White House. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. The man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the same U.S. Marine standing guard, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The marine, a little agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Look, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Clinton and I have told you twice already that Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the U.S. Marine and said, "Oh, I understand it alright, but I just love hearing it."

The marine guard smiled and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"

[CobraDan]

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date. Now I know why the Australian Cobra Club guys are always smiling.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for:
A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom!
Shouldn't be too hard.

[Stan Brown]

On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting
for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to
wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up,
they asked him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let
me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sat there and waited for an answer... for a couple of

months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, what if it doesn't't't work? Are we stuck together
FOREVER? Finally after several months, St. Peter returns, looking somewhat
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in
Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if
things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH COME ON !!!" St. Peter shouts, " It took me three months to

find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find
a lawyer?

[CobraDan]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

[CobraDan]

A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The
doctor told her of a new procedure called, "The Knob." This small knob is
planted
on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to
produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman
wanted
"The Knob."

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.
"All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn
the
knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've
developed
two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my
eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your
breasts."

She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

[CobraDan]

In ______, you fill in your state.

A fellow stopped at a gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car drinking his
cola and watched two men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole 2
or 3 feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. "Hold it" he said to the men. "Can
you tell me what's going on here with the digging?" "Well, we're union and we work for the state" one of the men stated. "But one of you digs a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the state's money?" "You don't understand, mister" one of the
workers said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally, there's three of us--me, Bubba and Earl. I dig the hole, Bubba sticks in the tree, and Earl here puts the dirt back in the hole. Just 'cause Bubba's sick, that don't mean that Earl and me shouldn't work!"

[Chad Johnson]

A married couple is driving (55 mph) down the interstate. The
wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been
married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases to 60 mph.

She says, "I want the house."

Again the husband speeds up to 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too."

The husband just keeps driving faster and faster, speeding to 80
mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer towards a bridge, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "Really? What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,

"I've got the airbag!"

[BT SNAKE]

A police officer was cruising along behind a car that kept
increasing his speed. The officer finally puts on the lights
after the guy reached 75MPH in a 40 zone. It still took
awhile before the guy pulled over. After he was stopped the officer approached the car and asked for driverss license and
registration. It was real close to shift change for the officer
and he really didn't want to make an arrest. He went
back to the driver and said "If you can give me one good
reason as to why you were speeding I'll let you go with
a warning. The driver said " well officer it's like this, my
wife ran away with a police officer last week and I
thought you were trying to bring her back.

Hersh

[CobraDan]

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

[CobraDan]

A man enters the confessional and says: " Father, it has been one month
since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for
the last month."
Nookie Green seems to be very popular with my male parishioners the priest
thinks. This is the third confession today. Then, he tells the sinner, "You
are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been
two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice
a week for the last two months." This time the priest has to ask, "Who is
Nookie Green?" "A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The priest leaves the church wondering, who in the world is Nookie Green?
The next morning in church the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon,
when suddenly a gorgeously tall woman enters. All the men's eyes fall upon
her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the
priest. Her dress is green and way too short with matching
shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boys gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes
and dress, sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the
altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?" The altar boy's eyes are
popping out of his head, as he replies, "No, I think it's just the
reflection off her shoes."

[CobraDan]

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing
next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and
says, "Seven feet tall, 350 lbs., 20" penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner
Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels
down and brings him aound by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks,
"Are you okay?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what did you just
say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured
I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm seven
feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20" penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs.each,
and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God!!!! I thought you said "Turn Around!".

[Chad Johnson]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big
bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched
down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

[Stan Brown]

The following ad is reported to have gotten numerous calls

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy."



Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black lab