Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for
her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought
she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the
point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to
leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk
and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits."

[CobraDan]

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid" That way
you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It
would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there
was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey,you
moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes
it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his
boat into the dock, and I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this
idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was
a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it.
"Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you
to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite
you."
"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my Cobra into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my Cobra,
looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"
I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three
just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our Cobra about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the Cobra around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the
house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the side exhaust pipe, then
says,
"Darn that's hot!"
See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know
I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get
it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local
cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic
questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a
sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck?"
I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said "no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are
you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your
sign."

The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.

[flipper35]

OK,

I've heard enough about this stuff and want to know, did any of the members here perform as stunt doubles for this?

http://207.215.129.33/outgoing/fm.exe

I ain't sure I did that right.

[CobraDan]

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame,
"Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Highly offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued for a while, until he finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame,... gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "...but Bertha here has seniority!"

[CobraDan]

I've been going out with this girl for a couple of weeks now and I really like her and want to take the relationship to the next level.
I have one problem though.
On our first date she told me she was sick, but I can't remember if she said she had TB or VD.
What should I do?
Lovelorn, Portland, OR

Dear Lovelorn:
If she coughs a-lot, screw her.

[bonyhadi]

Ever wonder why ABCDEF are used to define bra sizes?

A - Almost Boobs

B - Barely there

C - Can Do

D - Damn good

E - Enormous

F - Fake

[CobraDan]

F- Fake F- size is FAKE I'm going to have a talk with the wife.

Dan

[xlr8or]

Bony don't forget size L for extra LONG!

[CobraDan]

Your wrong theirREAL size F, I checked.

Dan

[CobraDan]

My younger sister was having one of her first gynelogical appointments and she had some questions for the doctor.
"Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me but my boyfreind wants to have anal sex.
I don't know what to tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it.
Can I get pregnant?"
The kindly old doctor smiled whimsicaly and replied "Of couse, you can my dear.
Where do you think lawyers come from?"

[CobraDan]

Little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh!t onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse Sh!t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

[bonyhadi]

http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/driving.cfm
<a href="http://www.gotlaughs.com/funpages/driving.cfm">AOL Link</a>

[Gordon Claunch]

After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas
> all
> his life,
> an old codger decided it was time to visit the big
> city. In one
> of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> Not knowing
> what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a
> picture of
> my daddy."
>
> He bought the 'picture,' but on the way home he
> remembered his
> wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it
> in
> the barn,
> and every morning before leaving for the fields, he
> would go
> there and look at it.
>
> Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to
> the barn.
>
> One day after her husband left, she searched the
> barn
> and found
> the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she
> fumed, "So that's
> the ugly ***** he's runnin' around with."

[bonyhadi]

A man had been in a terrible car accident,
and woke up in the hospital. Looking around,
he noticed a doctor leaning over his bed.
"Jesus doc," the man exclaimed,
"what happened. Where am I."

The doctor replied "You have been in a bad car
accident, and you're in the hospital, but
don't worry, you're going to be all right.
The bad news is that we had to amputate your
right arm, above the elbow."

"Oh no," the man screamed. "I'd rather be dead.
I can't go through life without my arm.
Please doc, kill me. I can't go on like
this........"

"Now son," said the doctor, "with the miracles
of modern medicine today, we can give you a
Bionic Arm. Only costs one million dollars,
and it looks and works just like the real thing.
Nobody will ever know it's not your own arm."

"Yeah, great," the man groaned. "And where the
hell am I gonna get a million bucks.
I'm better off dead."

"Hang on now," said the doctor. "We've been
looking for a case like yours for a while now.
We just came up with a new arm. For only ten
thousand dollars, you can have it. It looks
just like the more expensive one, but the only
difference is that this one has a small
microphone built into it, and you have to TELL
the arm what to do.
Other than that, it works just like the other one."

"Well," the guy says, "I can probably afford
ten grand. Go ahead, sew it on."

The next day, the guy woke up in the same
bed, and saw the doctor leaning over him again.
"Well, doc, how did it go? Is everything all
right?"

"We think that the operation was a success,"
replied the surgeon, "but you will have to try
it out, and let us know if there are any problems
with it."

Later on in the day, the guy was lying in bed,
practicing with his new arm. "Lift up," he
commanded. The arm lifted up. "Move right."
The arm moved to the right. "Move left."
The arm moved to the left.
Everything seemed to be working without a
hitch, and he was really pleased. All of a
sudden, he had the urge to go to the bathroom.

He hopped out of bed, and proceeded into the john.
"Arm, reach down and undo my zipper." The arm
obeyed. "Take out my Wang." The arm obeyed
flawlessly. The guy had his leak, and when he
was done, he commanded, "Shake it." The arm gave
it a little shake. "No, shake it harder!" The
arm gave it a good shake. "Hey," the guy said,
"that feels pretty good......jerk it off."

(Ouch....)

[Jamo]

CobraDan--


Ok--here's one...

A blonde drives her older Porsche to the garage--it stumbles and dies as the mechanic comes out. "Can you fix it?" she asks.

The mechanic says he'll take a look, lifts the hood and spends a few moments. "Start her up," he tells her. It starts instantly and purrs like a kitten.

"What was the problem?" blondie asks.

"No big problem, just crap in the carburator," says the mechanic.

"How many times a week do I have to do that?" asks the blond.

"

[Jamo]

A guy with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor. "Doc, I gotta do something about this--women don't want anything to do with me."

The doctor checks it and runs a couple of tests and finally tells the guy "There's nothing wrong with you medically, and I'm afraid surgery's out of the question--we can't take that much out of it. However, I do know of a witch in the forest that might be able to help you if you want to give her a try."

The guy gets the directions to the witch's house from the doctor and goes to visit her. After she sees what the problem is--she tells him "there's a pond beyond the forest in which a magic frog lives. Ask the frog to marry you. When the frog says 'no', it will reduce the size of your penis by five inches."

The guy finds the pond, and the frog. "Will you marry me?" he asks. The frog responds "No!" The guy looks at his penis and finds that it has shrunk 5 inches, and is now 15 inches long. He decides that 10 inches would be perfect, so he figures he'll ask one more time. "Will you marry me?"

The frog responds "What, don't you understand English? No! No! No!"

[bonyhadi]

SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Restroom Policy
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Re: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under
informal guidelines.
Effective Feb. 25, 2000 a Restroom Policy will be established to provide a
consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each
employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip Credit
of 20 points.
RTC can be accumulated from month to month.

Shortly, the entrances to all the restrooms will begin being equipped with
personnel identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition.
During the next two (2) weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice
prints (one normal and one under stress) to management.
The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not
restrictive, for the month of Feb.
Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during this period. It
will be restrictive starting March 1, 2000.

If an employee's RTB balances at zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will
not unlock for that employee's voice print until the first of the month.

In addition, all the restrooms are being equipped with a time paper roll
retractor.
If the restroom is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm will
sound throughout the entire building.
A computer simulated voice will be activated and announce over the public
announcing system the name of the delinquent employee.
Ten (10) seconds later, the roll of paper will retract, the toilet will flush
and the restroom door will automatically open.
If at that time, the employee still remains seated inside the stall, the
restroom cameras (which will be linked to the payroll and security console)
will turn on.

Your cooperation on this matter will be appreciated.
If you have any questions about the new policy, please feel free to ask your
supervisor.

Thank You!
Management
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
A woman recently lost her husband and had him cremated.
She brought his ashes home and poured them out on the
counter. Then she started talking to him, tracing her fingers in
the ashes and said, "You know that fur coat you promised
me Irving? I bought it with the insurance money!" Then she
continued, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?
Well, I bought that with the insurance money too!" Still
tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember
that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes!"

[CobraDan]

The owner of a golf course in a small town in central Louisiana was confused
about paying an invoice.

Realizing that he had a highly educated blonde secretary on the payroll, he
decided to ask his blonde secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office on Bolton Ave. and said, "You graduated from
LSU. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take
off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[CobraDan]

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of toast, greens and pan fried potatoes. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather....are these plates clean?
His grandfather replied.... those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal.
That afternoon, while eating the tofu sandwiches his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried mustard...
so he asked again......are you sure these plates are clean?
Without looking up from his sandwich, the grandfather says.....I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's dog started to growl and would not let him pass.... Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, COLDWATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!

[bonyhadi]

Seven Ten Cap

The other day I was in the local auto part store. A lady came
in and asked for a seven ten cap. We all looked at each other
and said, "What's a seven ten cap?"

She said, "You know, it's right on the engine. Mine got lost
some how and I need a new one."

"What kind of a car is it on," they asked?

Now I'm thinking maybe an old Datsun Seven Ten but no,
she said its a Buick.

"OK lady, how big is it?"

She makes a circle with her hands about 3 1/2 inches in
diameter.

"What does it do?," we asked.

She said, "I don't know, but its always been there."

One of us gave her a note pad and asked her if she could draw
a picture of it. So she makes a circle about 3 1/2 inches in
diameter and in the center she writes 710. The guys behind
the counter are looking at it upside down as
she writes it...and they just fall down behind the counter
laughing so hard in hysterics.

One guy said, "I think you want an oil cap."

She said, "Seven Ten cap, oil cap, I don't care what you call
it, I just need one, and I don't see what is so
damned funny about it."

Yes, she was a blonde.

Note: If you read "710" upside down....it is spells OIL!!