Joke of the Day...

[ERA535]

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.

[CobraDan]

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big, scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one".
The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you.
Put the tray up, B!tch!"

[bonyhadi]

A life long supporter of the Democratic party was lying on his
death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Republican party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're Democratic through
and through! Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it
was one of them that died and not one of us."



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx






At a small parish in rural New England there lived a
priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns
was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning
to fray. She went to the priest and told him,
"Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and
told her that he thought that she had been there long enough
to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'

A few days later the parish received word that the bishop
would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy
readying the church for the visit. On the day the bishop
arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs
yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you
find it?"

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest
and said, "I found it under OUR bed."



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx




A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day
one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the
second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing
what to do with them, she finally decided to take
them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her,
"Do you want them mounted?" Blushing, she said,
"No. Shaking hands will be fine."

[CobraDan]

Mrs. Bellows is having her house painted and when Mr. Bellows arrives home from work that day, he leans up next to the front door and leaves his hand print.
The following morning, Mrs. Bellows approached Jack the Painter and ask him, "Would you like to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
Jack replied, "Look lady, I don't feel well, I'm tired and my Dick is sore from my own last night's activities.
Why don't you just make me a cup of Tea instead?"

[bonyhadi]

Dangers Of Riding A Horse

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted
and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's
mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her
arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the
horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its
slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is
mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great
fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the
horse.

[CobraDan]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed
and, in general, began to throw his weight around.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah,
if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.
"The farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh!", and goes back to writing the ticket. After a bit he stops and says, "Hey! Wait a minute! Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing.", says the trooper, and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

[xlr8or]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if
you came second for a change!"

[xlr8or]

Dr. Seuss in the Golden Years
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

[xlr8or]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[xlr8or]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed,
the husband gently taps his wife on the
shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The Husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[xlr8or]

LIFE'S RULES:

1. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's.
2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
3. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
4. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, "Thyroid problem?"
5. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing
up really fast.
6. Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
7. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
8. I got a sweater for Christmas... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the "terminal"?
10. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.
11. The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no
trade-in value.
12. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes,
make Bloody Marys.
13. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
14. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
15. I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, and therefore I am perfect.
16. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days
I've stayed alive.
17. That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius...because I told a friend my
plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."
18. No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
19. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
20. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom
door you're on.
21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
22. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
25. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

[bonyhadi]

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual Harassment

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

Q: How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

Q: What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?*
A: Marriage

Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Q: What have men and floor tiles got in common?
A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: Why are men like public toilets?
A: Because all the good ones are engaged and the only ones left are full of crap.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable"

Q: What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why do men want to marry virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A: The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
A: The woman who ate the last donut.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest breasts?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

Q: Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A: When you take it off you wonder where the breasts went.

Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
A: Two mothers-in-law.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody

[Doug Axelrod]

It's bad enough to have repeats in the same page, but to have repeats IN THE SAME POST??!!
sheesh

[bonyhadi]

DOUG
---------
What repeat?? I am at a loss. Sorry, but glad you are reading carefully.
Here is another for you;-
daniel


Cat Laws

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless
acted upon by some outside force - such as the
opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there
is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat
hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the
fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except
in the case of a cat, in which case all heat
flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to
the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever
possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the
people involved, and as comfortable as possible
for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just
about any counter top that has anything remotely
interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to
obstruct the maximum amount of human foot
traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until
he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is
served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for
very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a
human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor
destroyed and will, therefore, use as little
energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by
a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough,
someone will come along and take out something
good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump
into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over,
the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a
cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to
her embarrassment times the amount of human
laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared,
just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly
proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place
possible; often the midsection of an
unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own
volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse
proportion to the amount of effort a human
expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy
to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It
Doesn't Matter.

[CobraDan]

Sex Quiz
Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red-headed b!tch with a yeast infection.
Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

[bonyhadi]

LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK

1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT

5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT

8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER

11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK

12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

13. WHLE UR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER

17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

[CobraDan]

A young teacher was trying to teach her six-year-old charges about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no one had everything they wanted.
At this point, a young arm was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying, "oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying to remain calm.
Little Johnny stood up and proclaimed to the class, "At our house, we have everything."
"Don't be silly," the teacher replied, "not even the richest man has everything."
"We do," he answered, "My daddy said so the other day."
"Now, why would your father say such a thing?" she asked.
"Well, my fifteen year old sister came home with her skinhead boyfriend, and told poppa she was pregnant.
That's when my dad said, "God, that's all we needed."

[bonyhadi]

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty- thousand dollars on a single roll of
the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,
"Mama
needs new clothes!" Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
jumped
up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the
money
and clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[bonyhadi]

KEEP THE MOTOR RUNNING...

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married
a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital
to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This
is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running."
The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do
it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You
must be quite a man."

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil.
This one's black."

[CobraDan]

* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* Horn broken, watch for finger.

* My kid had sex with your honor student

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

* Help wanted telepath: you know where to apply

* I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an a$$hole.

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

* Keep honking, I'm reloading.

* HANG UP AND DRIVE!!!!!

* Lord save me from your followers.

* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

* Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

* I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

* Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.

* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

* Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.

* Sex on television can't hurt you... unless you fall off.