Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Why do Men resemble Computers?
Because they have plenty of Ram, But not enough Memory
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This guy went to a drug store to buy condoms for the first time, and
was waited on by a beautiful, sexy young woman. "What size do you
want?"
"I'm not sure......" "How big are you?" she asked
"The guy blushed and said, "Compared to what?"
She held up one finger and asked "Are you this big?"
"No, I'm bigger than that."
Then she held up two fingers and asked "Are you this big?
"No, I'm bigger than that"
Then she held up three fingers and asked "Are you this big?
I said, "Yeah, I'm about that big."
She put the three fingers in her mouth and said,
"You're a medium, top shelf on your left!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The trick to successful dating is learning how to
interpret the hidden signs, those tiny giveaway
gestures that can tell you so much about a person.

Train yourself to recognize these key "signs."

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
- No foreplay.

2. Can't hail a cab.
- Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
- Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the
way.
- He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
- Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
- Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, referring to you as "The
lady will have..."
- Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn't.

8. Asks for "the usual"
- Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
- Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers.
- Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
- Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
- Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
- Low sperm count.

14. Under tips waiter.
- Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
- Is trying to tell you size isn't everything.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bumper Stickers - The Proverbs of Life

* A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
* A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life
* A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The
Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House
* A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen... And This Kitchen Is
Delirious
* Help keep the kitchen clean - Eat OUT
* Housework Done Properly Can Kill You
* If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast and cheap.
* My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.
* No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes
* Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ASTROLOGICAL LIGHT BULB CHANGER

How many members of each astrological sign does it take to change a
lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just TRY to convince them that the
burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing
about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years
to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will
get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought,
make that two. Ummm,is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared with the
Enlightened
Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out
lightbulb?

Capricorn: I won't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? What lightbulb?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




--

The people who make a difference in your life
are not the ones with the most credentials,
the most money,
or the most awards.
They are the ones who care.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Mom's Laundry Rules


1. Pajamas - Do not put pajamas in the dirty clothes after
only one wear. It is scientific fact that you do not get dirty while
sleep. Pajamas can be worn many times before they smell bad
enough to warrant being thrown in the dirty clothes. Exception:
You may put pajamas in the dirty clothes if you throw up on them
or something else that may be deemed disgusting, but only if they
stink.

2. Socks - Unroll your socks before putting them in the dirty
clothes. Otherwise, I will start washing and drying them in their
original rolled up little balls. Special note: Unroll socks before
throwing them down the laundry chute. If you don't, the law of
physics causes them to bounce off the washer and land behind
the washer or drying, and Mom is getting too old to crawl back
there and fish them out.

3. Clothes Hung Up - Clean clothes can be easily removed from
the clothes bar by gently lifting up on the hanger and pulling towards
you. The clean item can now be removed from the hanger for
wearing. The wrong way to remove clean clothes is to YANK on
one corner of the garment. This causes the hanger to go flying
around the clothes bar, scratching the wall and becoming impossibly
entangled with the neighboring hangers. Special note: This makes
Mom want to choke children. So far, she has been able to refrain
from this action.

4. Dirty Clothes Rule - If you have made the decision to put
something in the dirty clothes, do not later decide that you, for
some reason, now need to retrieve it by digging through the
clothes baskets, leaving behind a mess that looks like a small
tornado whipped through the laundry room, leaving a scene of
devastation in its wake. Special note: The only thing
worse than having to put stinking clothes in the laundry baskets is
having to do it over and over and over.

5. Pockets - Check your own pockets before you put dirty items
(again, make sure they are dirty first) in the laundry room. Have
you ever tried to pick tiny pieces of white paper off an entire load
of dark clothes? No? I thought not! But the next time this occurs,
you will have the pleasure of this experience. Special note: In the
future, all money found in pockets becomes the property of the
laundry-doer, and that most assuredly will be Mom, who hopes
to be able to save up for a Caribbean cruise, which she will
go on alone. She has heard that you don't have to do laundry while
you are on a cruise!

6. Folded Clothes Rule - When those clean clothes miraculously
appear on your bed or chair, graciously thank the saintly person
who lovingly placed them there and PUT THEM AWAY! Special
note: Failure to do this in the future will result in a generous
contribution to the Goodwill.

7. General Dirty Clothes Rule - If they aren't dirty, why the heck
are they in the laundry room? Put them back in your closet or drawers.
When you decide to try something on and decide that it will not make
the fashion statement you were looking for that particular day, think
twice before you make that conscious decision that it is easier to
throw
the item in the dirty clothes rather than hanging it back up. Again,
the
Goodwill would love to have these items, as their fashion standards
must not be as high as yours.

8. Laundry Sharing - In the future, each of you will be required to
do one load of laundry a week. Instructions will be provided. Mom
feels that the joy of this household chore should be shared, and she
has been very selfish about this in the past. She also feels that this
is a necessary life skill, and without it, you may not ever want to
leave
home. This would not be in the best interest of your parents.

Note - Rules may be added or modified at any time by Mom.

I, (sign your name) ____________________________________
agree to abide by the above rules, as I actually have no choice in
the matter and do not wish to further anger my mother.
Date:______________














The "Stella" awards rank up there with the Darwin awards, EXCEPT the
individuals don't kill themselves.

In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most
frivolous lawsuit in the U.S.

The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on
the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right
attorney you could win anything!

1. January 2000:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her
peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running
inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little b*stard was
Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998:

A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses
when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman
apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when
he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps.

3. October 1998:

A Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had
just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the
garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning.
He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and
garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr.
Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on
a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the
homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental
anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999:

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical
expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's
beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard. The
award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been
just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it
repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000:

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster,
Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her
coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her
boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997:

Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night
club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the
floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton
was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying
the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

And the winner is........

Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski
purchased a brand new 32 foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip
home, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and
calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of
coffee. Not surprisingly the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the
handbook that he couldn't actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus
a new Winnie.

(Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court
case, just in case there are any other complete morons buying their
vehicles.)






SOTALLY TOBER

Starkle starkle little twink

who the hell you are I think

I'm not under what you call

the alcofluence of incohol

I'm just a little slort of sheep

I'm not drunk like tinkle peep

I don't know who is me yet

but the drunker I stand here

the longer I get

Just give me one more drink

to fill me cup

'cuz I got all day sober

to Sunday up.

:-)

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know the honeymoon is over when you start going out with the
boys on Wednesday nights... and so does your wife.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Lady Golfer

Four guys who worked together always golfed as a group at 7:00 a.m.
on Sunday. Unfortunately, one of them got transferred out of town and they
were talking about trying to fill out the foursome. A woman standing near
the tee said, "Hey, I like to golf. May I join the group?"

They were hesitant, but said she could come once to try it, and they
would see what they thought. They all agreed and she said, "Good, I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."

She showed up right at 6:30, and wound up setting a course record with a
7-under par round. The guys went nuts and everyone in the clubhouse
congratulated her. Meanwhile, she was fun and pleasant the entire round. The
guys happily invited her back the next week and she said, "Sure, I'll be
here at 6:30
or 6:45."

Again, she showed up at 6:30 Sunday morning. Only this time, she played
left-handed, and matched her 7-under par score of the previous week.
By now the guys were totally amazed, and they asked her to join the
group for keeps.

They had a beer after their round, and one of the guys asked her, "How
do you decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
She said, "That's easy. Before I leave for the golf course, I pull the
covers off my husband, who sleeps in the nude. If his 'you-know-what' is
pointing to the right, I golf right-handed; if it's pointed to the left, I
golf
left-handed." One of the guys asked, "What if it's pointed straight up?" She
said,
"That's when I get here at 6:45".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the
register.

She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't
know.

She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the
counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One
box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of
us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told
the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if
she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She
asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel,
picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms,
Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen
was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with
a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to
the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him
to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave
him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said....

"Cleanup, register 5."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LAWYERS
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

It was so cold last winter.
How cold was it?
I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet

The Lawyer's Creed:
A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a cliff?
A Cadillac seats six

Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand, who do you kick in
the teeth first??
Housain, Business before pleasure

Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.

What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?
Lipstick

What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman

What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick?
A tick drops off you when you die.

What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when
plumbers
are working?
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong sewer.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
1) The vulture eventually lets go.
2) Vultures don't get Frequent Flyer Miles
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the
testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,
women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.
I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take
one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this
ability, we try to burn it into our
memory by staring as much as we can.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CRAZY
A man on his way to work passed a house of crazy people, where there was a
high
wall so they would not get out. Every day as he walked by, he heard the crazy
people shout a number that they repeated over and over.

As the days went by, the man started to get curious. He kept hearing the
crazy people shout, "33, 33, 33."

So he decided to look through a little peephole in the wall, and one of the
crazy peopled poked his eyes with a stick and started to shout: "34, 34,
34..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a penis and a prick?

A penis is fun, sexy and satisfying...
A prick is the guy who owns it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
PARADOX

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings, but
shorter
tempers,
Wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
We spend more, but have less; We buy more, but enjoy it less.
We have bigger houses, but smaller families;
More conveniences, but less time;
We have more degrees, but less sense;
More knowledge, but less judgement;
More experts, but more problems;
More medicine, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values;
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We've added years to life, but not life to years.
We've been to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet
the new neighbour.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul;
We've split the atom, but hold onto our prejudice.
We have higher incomes, but lower morals;
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men and short character;
Steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
More leisure, but less fun;
More kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are the days of two incomes, but more divorce;
Of fancier houses, but broken homes.
It is the time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the
stockroom........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
VODKA
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in
the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned
and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you
want."
The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka." Finally
the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want,so make me piss
vodka."
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out
of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks
like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste
and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes
running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard
and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant
but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The
two drink and party all night.
The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two
glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to piss in the two glasses. The
result is the same, the vodka is excellent and the couple drink until the sun
comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife,
"Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."His wife
gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks
him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?"
Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, my love, you drink from
the bottle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

[bonyhadi]

Lesbonics

01. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet
02. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke.
03. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge.
04. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
05. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have
10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
06. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.
07. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
08. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung.
09. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint.
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month.
12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down
in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't
have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? It's when a man wears everything a lesbian
won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? She kick-starts her vibrator
and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? Twenty blind lesbians in a fish
market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's a
snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!










First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
Rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung over the shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas all made for man, just to make his heart sing.
Then God added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.













Signs you might be a cop (right Crilly?)
1. You have the bladder capacity of three people.
2. You believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm.
3. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
4. You've asked Santa for an automatic weapon.
5. You request a criminal history on anyone who seems friendly towards you.
6. Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal.
7. You own Kevlar underwear.
8. You find humor in other's stupidity.
9. You believe in Areal spraying of PROZAC.
10. You buy black leather for reasons other than home entertainment.
11. You know "GOING POSTAL" doesn't mean mailing a letter.
12. You believe that "ugly in public" should be grounds for arrest.
13. You believe that some people should have to get a permit to reproduce.
14. You fear the outcome if someone comments, "Boy it sure is quiet."
15. You believe that coffee and donuts are two of the four food groups.
16. You own at least five pairs of mirrored glasses.
17. You've ever wanted to fence off part of your city and turn it into a
prison.
18. You believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict.
19. You have ever had to put the caller on hold before you started laughing.
20. You wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first
time."
21. You have ever heard a Sergeant say, "Who's in charge of this mess,
anyway."
22. You paid more for your sidearm than you did for your car.
23. It occurs to you that you are policing "The Twilight Zone."
24. You find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around.
25. You refer to your work as "collecting garbage."
26. You think of politicians, lawyers and disease causing bacteria as the
same lifeform.
27. You think that if you weren't meant to drive fast, they wouldn't have
given you a car with lights and sirens.
28. You believe it's not a good death unless it courses overtime.
29. You haven't seen it all - just all the sick parts.
30. You have trouble differentiating between counsel and client.
31. You believe that everyone's IQ drops by 50% when they get behind the
wheel of a car.
32. You know that Miranda wasn't a dancer.
33. You don't see daylight from November to May.
34. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room, because they
think it's funny and original.
35. You believe strongly in involuntary sterilization.
36. You believe in a "public stupidity" law, for those cases where nothing
else fits.
37. You are beginning to like the smell of pepper spray in the evening air.
38. Happy Trails till we meet again...................;p

[CobraDan]

A blonde's car breaks down on Interstate 5 one day.
So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk
to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming
traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their
nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in the history of
this Interstate occurs.
It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of
the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going
on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well,
what are these perverts doing here by the road?"
asks the cop.


And she said...






"Those are my emergency flashers!"

[CobraDan]

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak...
"Father, I am going to marry!"
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila...
"Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?" says the father. "What is her name?"
"O'Brien," replies the son... "She's Catholic..."
"Oy!" says the father.... "But are you happy?"
"I'm very, very happy," says the son..
OK...as long as you're happy ... my blessings to you both," replies Moisha.

But the father is still counting on his remaining sons, Schlemiel and Chutzpah.
Schlemiel calls on his father the next evening. "Father... I too will be married soon!"
Again, Moisha breaks out in a dance and sings God's praises...
"What is her name?," implores the father.
"Kazalopodopolous," says the son. "She's Greek Orthodox."
"Oy," says Moisha. "But are you happy?"
"I'm happy, Father."
"OK ... then you, too, have my blessing," intones Moisha.

Dejected, Moisha goes to the Temple to pray.
"Please God... let my remaining son, Chutzpah, marry a nice Jewish girl to raise nice Jewish children in your eyes ... PLEASE," he cries out.
The next week, Chutzpah comes to his father excitedly and exclaims,
"Father!!, I am to wed in the spring!"
"HER NAME? WHAT IS HER NAME?", his father immediately demands.
"Goldberg!", says Chutzpah! Moisha is beside himself with joy!
"Praise God! Praise the Prophets!"
Turning to Chutzpah, he asks, "Is she Doctor Goldberg's daughter Shelley, from Los Angeles?"
"No," says Chutzpah.
"Hmmm," says Moisha... "Must be attorney Goldberg's daughter Rachel from Beverly Hills?"
"Ah... no, Father," says Chutzpah...
"What is her first name, my youngest, truest, most beautiful son?"
"Whoopi

[CobraDan]

Dennis Miller said recently, regarding the judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional:
"So, Your Honour, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional, therefore you have no job, which means your ruling doesn't mean ****."

[CobraDan]

Two guys in a car drive right through a red light.
"Man, you just ran that red light!" exclaimed the passenger.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," said the driver.
They continue driving through town and then proceed to drive through another stop light.
"You just ran another stop light! You're going to get us killed!" screamed the nervous passenger.
"Don't worry, my brother does it all the time," repeated the driver.
Moments later, they approached a green light and they came to a halting stop.
"Why are you stopping?" asked the anxious passenger.
The driver turned and said, "Because my brother might be coming!"

[bonyhadi]

Two whales swimming around in the ocean come upon a ship that is
hauling potatoes. The first whale swims underneath it, tips it
over and eats everything, ship and all.

A little while later, they come up to another ship hauling
potatoes. The whale capsizes that one, too, and eats everything
onboard.

The third ship they spot is also hauling potatoes, and the whale
upends it and eats everything.

"Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes and
eating everything on board?" the other whale asks.

"I wish I hadn't done it," the first whale says, "but I just
can't help myself once I start. You know how it is--you can't eat
just one potato ship."







Why are American masturbators so patriotic?
When they yank their doodle, they feel dandy

---------------------------

What do you get when you mix Viagra with Rogaine?
Don King.

---------------------------

What do you get when you mix prune juice with holy water?
A religious movement!!!










Doctor: "Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch. Then just
before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."

Man: "Exactly what's my problem, doc?"

Doctor: "You're not drinking enough water."

[bonyhadi]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The
teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry
answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he
would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his
questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher
agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to
him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought
a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells
her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The
teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The
principal and Harry both agree. Teacher: "What does a
cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do
not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is
hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he
could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft
and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do
sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of
questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down
to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when
you're bored. The best man always has me first."
(Principal was looking restless and a bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I
drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come
with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K'
that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions
wrong myself."

[bonyhadi]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have
in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your
dick.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky
Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and
thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing,
and in the end you lose your house.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and
Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

What's the difference between love, true love and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a
lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives
women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except
his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance
than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in
common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a
peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton!

Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away

````````````````````````````````````````````````

[bonyhadi]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
TEST RESULTS

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office
to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says, "I'm sorry, sir,
but there has been a bit of a mix-up
and we have a problem. When we sent
the samples from your wife to the lab,
the samples from another Mrs. Smith
were sent as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's.
Frankly, the news is either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested
positive for Alzheimer's disease and
the other for AIDS. We can't tell
which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the
test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO,
and they won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your
wife off in the middle of town--if she
finds her way home, don't **** her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BET YOUR SEX LIFE

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says,
"Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would
you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and
says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't
know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex
life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."

[bonyhadi]

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there to serve some sort of purpose, teach you
a lesson or help figure out who you are or who you want to become.

You never know who these people may be but when you lock eyes with them, you know that very moment that they will affect your life in
some profound way.

And sometimes things happen to you at the time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without
overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true
greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved,
straight, flat road to nowhere.

Safe and comfortable but dull and utterly pointless. The people you meet affect your life. The successes and downfalls that you
experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and
important ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you or breaks your heart, forgive them because they have helped you learn about trust and the importance
of being cautious to whom you open your heart to.

If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and to
open your heart and eyes to little things. Make every day count.

Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to
people you have never talked to before, and actually listen.

Let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a
great individual and believe in yourself, for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you.

Create your own life and then go out and live it.

"If you take your eyes off your goals, all you see are obstacles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's hot ***** lips an enters. Naturally enough, she
panics.
The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put her shirt on, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then makes a mad dash to
the doctor.
The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in an
cant be removed with forceps, the doctor explains to the husband that he'll have to try and entice it out, by putting honey on his dick,
and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. So the husband puts honey on his dick, but because of his wife's screaming, general panic,
and his frantic dash to the doctors he just can't get it up.! So the doctor says "I'll perform the procedure if your wife an you don't
object.
Naturally both agree, for fear the wasp will do damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears honey on his cock and instantly gets an
erection.
Slowly he begins to enter the wife. then withdraw, and then again, an again, and again. Only, he doesn't stop.!!! But continues to deeply
**** her hot ***** endlessly.
In a daze, the husband shouts, "What the Hell is going on?".
The doctor replies, "Change of plans, I'm going to drown the little bastard!"
==================================================
Have you ever wondered which hurts the most; saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had? I guess
the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your
heart... but if you don't, you might break theirs. Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what
you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it
on its own....
When you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay
walled because we are too afraid to care too
much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? We tell lies when we are afraid....
afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie....
the thing we fear grows stronger.
Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have, or could have
had. No one waits forever...
WHAT WOULD YOU DO...
What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say
good-bye?
What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
Some people love, and some people die. But I want to tell you that if something happened to me tomorrow, you would be in my heart. Would
I be in yours?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the ..

Paper company that folded?
Brake company on the skids?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
The train company that went off the rails?
The ship building company that sunk?
The dental practice that was rotten to it's roots?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
1. What do Jell-O and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
Odor eaters.

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A Lickalotopuss.

6. Why do men name their penis?
They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most
of their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?
Boo bees.

10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps.

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

12. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
If it were more, it would be Hell.

13. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

14. What is the new gay Internet address?
c: enter

15. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!

16. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.

17. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

18. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
They have no balls to scratch

19. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather ... kinky is using the whole chicken.

20. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

21. How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

22. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A Megasorass.

23. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.

24. What do Michael Jackson and a grocery bag have in common?
They are both made of plastic and dangerous for children to play with.

25. What is the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm sooooo drunk!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
The Top 16 Signs Your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs


16> Clears kids off the lawn with an AK-47.

15> When she offers you a home-baked cookie, she says, "Go
ahead, honey -- the first one's free."

14> Not only is that cozy she's knitting shaped like a bong,
it's black-light orange.

13> When she says "d-bag," she ain't talkin' feminine hygiene.

12> Frequently takes afternoon tea with Darryl Strawberry and
Robert Downey, Jr.

11> She roughs up the pharmacist, snarling that her Metamucil
was "stepped on."

10> "My, what a lot of rolling papers you have, Grandma!"
"Yes, my dear, the better to -- hey, wait a minute...are you a narc?"

9> Threatens to pop a cap in your ass if you don't finish your vegetables.

8> Every teaspoon in her precious antique collection has scorch marks on the bottom.

7> Spends her days hangin' on the corner by the pay phone,
sippin' on a 40 of Ensure.

6> Most grandmothers drive with their turn signals on, but
not in a lime-green Lincoln Navigator with tinted windows,
24-karat gold trim and slammin' subwoofers.

5> Constantly complains about her health -- still no glaucoma, dammit!

4> Nana's got some serious bling-bling goin' on with those=20
solid gold MedicAlert bracelets.

3> She pulls a gun on you whenever you reach for the cookie
jar.

2> Last time she made brownies, you woke up three days later
in the baboon enclosure at the San Diego Zoo.

#1 Reason your Grandmother Is Dealing Drugs...

1> The local cops are arresting everyone with lipstick on
their cheeks.

[bonyhadi]

What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have
in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your
dick.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky
Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and
thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing,
and in the end you lose your house.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and
Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

What's the difference between love, true love and
showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use a
lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives
women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except
his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance
than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in
common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a
peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton!

Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
TEST RESULTS

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office
to collect his wife's test results.
The lab tech says, "I'm sorry, sir,
but there has been a bit of a mix-up
and we have a problem. When we sent
the samples from your wife to the lab,
the samples from another Mrs. Smith
were sent as well, and we are now
uncertain which one is your wife's.
Frankly, the news is either bad or
terrible."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested
positive for Alzheimer's disease and
the other for AIDS. We can't tell
which is your wife."
"That's terrible! Can we do the
test over?"
"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO,
and they won't pay for these expensive
tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your
wife off in the middle of town--if she
finds her way home, don't **** her."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BET YOUR SEX LIFE

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes.

The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of
your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be
meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says,
"Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an
eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another
fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would
you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and
says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't
know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex
life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
=================================================
FAST THINKING
There have been times when I would loved to have been able to think so quickly.

An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with
patients.

He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a
VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, "YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE... YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION.... AND I'D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KIDS
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come
up with the remainder. They tell me these have not been altered !

Don't bite the hand that..................looks dirty.

A miss is as good as a ......................Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new.................math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll...................stink in the morning.

Better to be safe than....................punch a kid bigger than you.

You can lead a horse to water but.................how?

Love all, trust....................me.

Happy the bride who...................gets all the presents.

A penny saved is............................not much.

Two's company, three's........................The Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..................you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as.....................Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not....................spanked or grounded.

And the favorite...

Better late than......................pregnant
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

========================
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass,
And now his front teeth are missing.
==============================
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit,
the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything
checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the
wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so
when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass
to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said,
"When you can read this, come back and see me."
==========================================
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole ****in' box to start a campfire?
================================================== =
The Woman's Personal Safety Reality-Check Test


1. What is the real meaning of a pink T-shirt with a revolver
on it that says, "The ultimate in feminine protection?"
a. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
b. Ultimate force equals ultimate personal protection.
c. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days."

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:
a. All you'll ever need.
b. Next to useless with nothing to back it up.
c. The signal to "Fire!"

3. The movie "Thelma and Louise" was:
a. An insidious Hollywood plot to stamp out femininity
and glorify mindless violence by women.
b. A female buddy film that included allegories of
empowerment.
c. A training film.

4. What was technically wrong with the scene in "Thelma
and Louise" where the two women disarmed a Texas State
Police Officer?
a. Real women would never do anything as tacky, tasteless,
and altogether gauche as pointing guns at a man, let
alone taking his icky, disgusting gun for their own use.
b. There is no Texas State Police per se, but rather a
Department of Public Safety that includes a Highway
Patrol; they do not authorize the .45 1911 auto for
carry, except by Texas Rangers; the ammo on the
officer's belt was revolver cartridges in single loops,
not appropriate auto pistol ammo in magazines.
c. The dumb broads left a perfectly good shotgun clamped
to the dashboard of the cruiser.

5. A mouse runs across the kitchen floor. The proper response
is to:
a. Climb onto a high stool and scream for a man to help you.
b. Call the exterminator.
c. Link up the belt-feed to the M-60.

6. You are discussing the depressing local crime statistics with
your goodhearted neighbor, Ralph, who suggests that you buy
a .25 caliber pistol for home defense. You reply:
a. "Never! A woman who buys a gun has humiliatingly
surrendered to the evil ethos of mindless macho sexist
brute force!"
b. "An amusing suggestion, Ralph, but don't you think it's
a little light for the purpose?"
c. "Only to plant in the dead hand of the next little weasel
stupid enough to give me wimpy advice like that!"

7. What is your reaction to the concept of a bra holster?
a. "Yeech! It would be an obscene juxtaposition of the icon
of death with the symbol of nurturing!"
b. "Uncomfortable and impractical, designed by males for
females."
c. "Not a bad idea, so long as it doesn't get in the way
when you reach for the MAC-10 submachine gun in your
shoulder sling."

8. Define "male."
a. The first syllable of "malevolence," which in turn is only
one letter short of "male violence."
b. An individual of the opposite sex.
c. A quaint anachronism, once useful for protection of females,
but rendered obsolete by contemporary firepower.

9. Where, in the scheme of things defensive, do such spray
products as Mace and CapStun belong?
a. Nowhere! If you just show your attacker compassion and
understanding, you won't need nasty things like that.
b. At the lower-threat levels of the Use of Force Continuum.
c. In the medicine cabinet; real women use mace instead of
feminine deodorant spray.

10. You are cornered in your home by a knife-wielding intruder.
He ignores your command to halt, and charges you with the knife
upraised. How many shots should you fire?
a. None. It would be better to die than sacrifice moral
victory by using "his" kind of force.
b. As many shots as are necessary to stop the attack.
c. A minimum of fifty shots. Hey, when is the next time
you'll get a chance like this to express yourself, and
really get in touch with your feelings?


-- Grading the Exam --


* If 8 or more of your answers were "a," it is time to check
into a Reality Clinic. Perhaps the meek *will* inherit the Earth,
but only when the rest of us are damn well done with it.

* If 8 or more of your answers were "b," welcome to the land
of the well-adjusted adults who manage their own responsibilities
with an appropriate level of power.

* If 8 or more of your answers were "c," don't feel too bad.
Society may not have a place for you, but Hollywood will, as
soon as they start casting for the lead role in "The Bride of
Rambo." You are, at the very least, interesting!
================================================== =======

[CobraDan]

After sixty years of marriage an elderly couple were enjoying the evening, swinging on the front porch and looking at the beautiful sunset. After a few minutes the ol' lady reaches over and knocks the hell out of the ol' man who goes flying off the porch and into the bushes. The ol' man slowly gets up and makes his way back to his seat next to his wife on the swing. He sits there for a few minutes and then asks, "What was that for, Ma?"
She replies: "That's for having such a small pecker!"
A few more minutes go by and the ol' man reaches over and knocks the hell out of his wife, who also goes flying off the porch and into the bushes She slowly gets up and makes her way back to her seat next to Pa. She sits there a minute and then asks, "What was that for, Pa?"
He replies: "That's for knowing there was more than one size."

[bonyhadi]

As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day,
I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone,
the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"









A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the
road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife
another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way
all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."










"3 Kinds of Sex"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got big problem,
Doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't
see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right outand asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you nevertell
me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!".

YOUNG SEX:
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when
the
little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play
doctor?"
The little boy replied "That's too old fashioned ...spit out your gum,
I want to play President."















A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back
to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that?" the lady
questions.

"Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.


"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams. "No, no! Calm down,"! the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute..


























As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day,
I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another. Not to be outdone,
the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"









A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the
road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, "What's the problem officer?"

Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going
to have to ticket you.

Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.

Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks! [The man gives his wife
another a dirty look.]

Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!

The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"

The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way
all the time?"

Wife says, "No officer, Only when he's drunk."










"3 Kinds of Sex"

LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got big problem,
Doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't
see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right outand asked his
wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you nevertell
me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!".

YOUNG SEX:
A little boy and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when
the
little girl asked: "Do you want to get undressed and we can play
doctor?"
The little boy replied "That's too old fashioned ...spit out your gum,
I want to play President."















A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back
to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK. "What's that?" the lady
questions.

"Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.


"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams. "No, no! Calm down,"! the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute..

[bonyhadi]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and
step
in the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he
has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He
grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like
he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how lifelike he looks. The first nun
suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar
of soap.
"Oh look," says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory, the second nun also pulls on his manhood... sure
enough he drops the other bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three
times but nothing happens.
So she gives one last, despairing tug then yells
...... "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Test

Three guys were applying for the
priesthood. The Cardinal was going
to give them a test. He tied a
bell attached to a string on each
of their penises. He told them that
he was going to show them pictures
of naked girls and if the bells rang
then they would flunk the priesthood test.

He showed the first guy the pictures
and nothing happened. "you passed",
the Cardinal said. He showed the naked
girls to the second guy. Nothing happened.
"you passed." He showed the pictures
to the third guy. Nothing happened.
The Cardinal said "all of you passed."
The Cardinal turned to put away the
pictures but dropped them. He bent over
to pick them up and all three bells went
"ding, ding,ding."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles north
of the Missouri State line. When the Deputy asked the driver why he was
speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and
he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and didn't want to
be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the
driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a
ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment on
ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The deputy told him that
he had some flares in the trunk of his squad car and asked if he could
juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the deputy got three
flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he then
went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in. The deputy
observed him doing this and went over to his squad car, opened the door
and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied,
"Might as well take my ass on to jail, there's no way in hell I can pass
that test."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Why are American masturbators so patriotic?
When they yank their doodle, they feel dandy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CALCIUM Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people
age. The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and
cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the
bones. But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in
a kiss!" The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
YOU MIGHT BE FROM COLORADO IF:

You carry your $3,000 mountain bike on top of your $500 car.

You have a business degree and are frying burgers at a Mcdonald's in Vail.

You own a big dog named Aspen, Buck, Cheyenne or Dakota that wears a bandanna.


Your real fear is running out of Celestial Seasonings tea and trail mix.

The entire top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You think that formal wear is ironed denim.

North means "mountains to the left"; south is "mountains to the right"; and
east and west are where all those liberals keep moving in from.

You consider a three-piece suit to be a pair of shorts, a sweatshirt and
Birkenstocks.

You have stood on solid ground and looked down on an airplane in flight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Antiques have become very popular. Right now there are 15 million
Americans who have things that are old, funny-looking, don't work, and
are kept only for sentimental purposes. Some of these are called
antiques, and the rest are called husbands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WANTED

A tall well-built MAN with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

But please read only lines 1,3, and 5.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man pacing back and forth glanced at his watch and yelled upstairs to
his wife, "Honey, are you ready yet?"

Shouting back, the woman replies, "For crying out loud, I've been
telling you for the last half hour that I'll be ready in a minute!
- - -
After God had created man he stepped back and admired his work: "Look at
this perfect physique, the strong but yet handsome features, the well
balanced proportions, I have to say, I am in awe of myself." Then he
turned and looked at the woman. After he had been studying her for a
while he said: "Well, I guess you will have to wear make-up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dynamic Deity Management Ltd.Date
3rd May 0023
TO:Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).13a Sandy Wasteland Square,Just Next to the Pizza Hut,Judea.

Dear Sirs,
It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publisha biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure you would realize,
be entirely unauthorized and if it were published in theform you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest authority.However he can fully
understand your wish to write about his life and will sanction such a project a number of conditions:
1) That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you propose,'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Saviour's Saucy Story'.
2) That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (ElvinRoxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He suggest you
utilize the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ realizes that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no one ever went bust underestimating the credibility off the
average religious zealot.
3) That all references to the incident involving the members of members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon to be excised forthwith.
4) That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An accident with a wine jar and a
stray fish just does not have the theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric effects of a large cast.
5) That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to 'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'
6) That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of the case, that he was shopped by his Mother
and done for indecent exposure, should on no account be discussed.
7) And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be removed or at least modified.
As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't see it as a
success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous books,especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin' the Winded'. Your suggested
biography of him appears to be in the same vein and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit sharing scheme in return for his appearing to
promote the book. In any case Mr.Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake 'n'Vac'.
Yours sincerely,
.Adam G Smith.pp Jesus H Christ.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

[bonyhadi]

What do you call a gay gentleman from the Deep South?
A: A homo-sex-y'all.
Q: What do you call an eighty year old impotent sailor?
A: A salt with a dead weapon.
Q: Why don't Irish men ever exercise?
A: They figure if God had wanted them to bend over, He would have put boozeon the floor.
Q: Why don't homosexuals like chess?
A: Because every so often, they have to sacrifice a queen.
Q: Why wouldn't the polish husband make love to his new wife?
A: He promised his mother that he wouldn't sleep with a married woman.
Q: Did you hear about the new Greek tampon?
A: It's called "Abzorba the Leak."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~
A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SLOGANS FOR VIAGRA MERGERS

BUDWEISER AND VIAGRA "It's Whazzzzzzz Up!"

BOUNTY AND VIAGRA "The quicker pecker upper!"

CHEVY AND VIAGRA "Like a rock!"

FEDEX AND VIAGRA "When it absolutely, positively has to be there
TONIGHT.

THE ARMY AND VIAGRA "Be all that you can be."

BELL AND VIAGRA "Reach out and touch someone . . . for at least an hour."

SECRET AND VIAGRA "Strong enough for a man, but MADE for a woman!"

GENERAL ELECTRIC AND VIAGRA "We bring good things to life!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
CATHOLIC GLOSSERY

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most ofthe people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyrosand baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holidaytravel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formationat the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial processionat the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit,kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

[bonyhadi]

Rabbit Joke

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but
unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in
front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the
rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit
is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on
the side of a road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs
to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the
rabbit.The rabbit jumps up, waves its
paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the
road another 10 feet, turns
and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The
man is astonished. He runs over to
the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man
can read the label. It says

Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(This is bad!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line)

(You know your gonna be sorry)

(Last chance)

(OK, here it is)

It says, "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave"














Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's
voluptuous breasts, but he knew the
penalty for this would be death.
.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the
Physician exclaimed that he could
arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.
.
Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Horatio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the
1,000 gold coins for the chance to
satisfy his desires for the Queen.
.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere
while she was taking a bath! . Soon
after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a
special saliva if applied for
four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only Nick the Dragon Slayer had the antidote present in
his saliva to cure the itch.
.
King Arthur quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for
the itching powder, which he
quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent
breasts.
.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero.
.
Upon returning to his chamber,Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment ! of 1,000 gold coins.
With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King
shooed him away with no payment
made.
.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur
quickly summoned Nick the Dragon
Slayer...
.
.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.










PARROTS

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing." "What do they say?"
the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he
thought for a moment. "You
know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the
Bible. Bring your two parrots over
to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and
your parrots are sure to stop
saying...that phrase...in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she
brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with> > them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want
to have some fun?" There was
stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our
prayers have been answered!"