Joke of the Day...

[xlr8or]

Get off my A$$ or I'll flick buggar on your windshield!

[bonyhadi]

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But


She's been on her knees more
times than Billy Graham.

She's been laid on more kitchen
floors than linoleum.

She's done more screwing than
Black and Decker.

She's responsible for more merry
men than Robin Hood.

She's turned more tricks than
Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times
than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often
than Trigger.

She's entertained more troops
than Bob Hope.

She's been turned more ways than
Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men
than barstools.

She's had more turnovers than the
International House of Pancakes.

[CobraDan]

Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!.

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.


Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

GROW YOUR OWN DOPE, PLANT A MAN.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots....I married their king.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.

Hang up and drive.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Be nice to your kids...They will pick out your nursing home.

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

And the #1 bumper sticker of the week....Honk If You Want To See My Finger

Constipated people don't give a sh*t.
Practice safe sex, go fu*k yourself.

If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

If that phone was up your a$$, maybe you could drive a little better.

My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.

Thank you for pot smoking.

To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.

Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

Horn broken...watch for finger.

It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my a$$.

[a427sc]

BEER, Helping ugly women get laid for 1000 years.

[bonyhadi]

* Words Women Use...

FINE ~ This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel
we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe
how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES ~ This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the
trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING ~ If you ask her what is wrong and she says NOTHING, this means
something and you should be on your toes. NOTHING is usually used to
describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out,
upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that
will last FIVE MINUTES and end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows) ~ This is a dare. One that will result
in a woman getting upset over NOTHING and will end with the word FINE.

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows) ~ This means "I give up" or "do what you want
because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just
a few minutes, followed by NOTHING and FINE and she will talk to you in
about FIVE MINUTES when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH ~ This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal
statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you
are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over NOTHING.

SOFT SIGH ~ Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are
one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content.
Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY ~ This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman
can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and
hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have
done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in
conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near
future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO ~ This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving
you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell
the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS ~ A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say "you're
welcome."

THANKS A LOT ~ This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say,
"Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that
you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud
Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she
will only tell you "Nothing."

Please send this out to ALL men that you know just to warn them about
future arguments they can avoid if remembering all the terminology.

















* A piece

John took Vickie to the doctor. After an extensive examination, the
doctor said, "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's mind is
completely gone!"

John replied, "Doctor, I'm not surprised. It's amazing that it lasted
this long. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day
for the past five years!"

[bonyhadi]

A Jewish gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought
his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive
cemetery.

On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.

She was quick to comment loud and long
on his thoughtlessness.

He replied, "Well, you haven't used the gift I
gave you last year."

[bonyhadi]

=== Cheatin' Johnny ===

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over
to his desk after a test, and said, “Johnny I
have a feeling that you have been cheating
on your tests.”

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to
prove it. “Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking
over your test and the question was, ‘Who was
our first president?’, and the little girl that
sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’
and so did you.”

“So, everyone knows that he was the first
president.”

“Well, just wait a minute,” said Mr. Johnson.
“The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’
Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.”

“Well, I read the history book last night and I
remembered that,” said Johnny.

“Wait, wait,” said Mr. Johnson. The next question
was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana
Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put,
‘Me neither’.”


=== Baby Talk ===

Little Johnny came running into the house and
asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom
heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we
can play that game again!"

[CobraDan]

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum.
No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named No Cum Tu.
For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.
However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it How Cum U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!

[Dave Samson]

These three women were roommates. One night they all had all
gone out on dates and they all came home at about the same time.

The first one said, "You know you've been on a good date when
you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one said, "No, you know you've been on a good date
when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one said nothing, but reached under her skirt, removed
her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck.

"Now THAT'S a good date!"

[CobraDan]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:
I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[bonyhadi]

Career Test

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents
were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his
future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar
bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table,
and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our
son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible,
he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our
son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the
nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill,
looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he
took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the
bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then
he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his
forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"







Hanging from the Edge

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!". "Oh yeah? What
happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful
woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes
and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her
goddammed husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out
of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!
Dare not even look Down!". "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the
bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on. "When her husband came into the room ,he said,'
Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned
if the lazy son of a ***** didn't piss out the window right onto my head?
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy
mood". "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really make got to
me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My goddamned forehead!". "Damn, that's
really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished.See what
really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump.
Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the
window and let loose right on my head!". The bartender paled. "That
would sure mess up my day". "Yeah, yeah, yeah, "the fellow rattled
on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me
off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only sex inches
off the ground!"









Fun things to do when driving:

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror
as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out
your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers,
put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you
drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended
and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they wanna hear a joke.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror.
Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw
their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the
roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
seat, when driving alone.

27-29, censored and I'm too lazy to change the rest of the numbers.

30. Throw Spam. ?Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in.
When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your
map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you,
then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...









Very Bad Day

Ok, there's this guy in a bar, sitting at the bar, just looking at
his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for over half-an-hour, not
talking and barely moving. Then, a big macho guy who has
been Playing pool takes notice of our friend at the bar, noticing
our friend just staring at his drink for a long time. This is driving
Mr. macho crazy so he walks up to the bar, grabs the drink and
chugs it right down. The poor man who has been sitting at the
bar starts crying.

Mr. Macho says: - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll
buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".

Our friend at the bar replies: - "No, it's not that. This day is the
worst of my life. First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my
office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building
and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police say
they can do nothing to find my car. I get a cab to return home,
and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and
credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab driver who just laughs
and drives away. I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife
in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this bar. And
when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up
and drink my poison"!









Signs You've had enough to drink

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor...
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- Don't recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

[bonyhadi]

Reasons Why Sheep Are Better Than Women


1. A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
2, A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new
clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the
bedroom.
3, A sheep will never sue you for alimony.
4. A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.
5. A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.
6. A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while
you're screwing.
7. A sheep won't use your razor to shave it's legs, or your pocketknife
to open a paint can.
8. A sheep never has a headache.
9. A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.
10. A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.
11. A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and
pick up a box of tampons.
12. Sheep grow their own fur coats.
13. A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when
you're having friends over to watch football.
14. Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.
15. A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.
16. Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.
17. A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.
18. A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.
19. A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.
20. A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.
21. Sheep are "ram tough."
22. A sheep won't think you're cheap and tacky if you: send daisies
instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear Levis with a
hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth.
23. Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.
24. Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning or in a pickup truck.
25. A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's
too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors,
she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.

[CobraDan]

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

[CobraDan]

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine
came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

[bonyhadi]

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence?

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing
ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come
out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money... from his own
bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives
asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried,
they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It
wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost
every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about
an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was
the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was
laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE!
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place........
was the trailer.

[bonyhadi]

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the
place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some
sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one
of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey
is with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!"
said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue
ball, he measures everything first!

[bonyhadi]

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This
is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

~ Pass My Shotgun
~ Psychotic Mood Shift
~ Perpetual Munching Spree
~ Puffy Mid-Section
~ People Make Me Sick
~ Provide Me with Sweets
~ Pardon My Sobbing
~ Pimples May Surface
~ Pass My Sweatpants
~ Pissy Mood Syndrome
~ Plainly; Men Suck
~ Pack My Stuff
~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome Q: How many women with PMS does it take to
change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb
is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they
figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past
17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS
LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN
THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

[bonyhadi]

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY LITTLE SON
------------------------------------------------
A king size waterbed holds enough water to
fill a 2000 sq. foot ranch house 1/4 inch deep.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,
the motor is not strong enough to rotate a
42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
superman cape.* It is strong enough,
however, if tied to a paint can to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling
fan is on.* When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you
have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a
hit.* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke,
and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock
even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it
in the movies.

Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive
tract of a six-year-old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used
in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even
though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

[CobraDan]

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[bonyhadi]

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him
and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"

Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"

As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie,
throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do
you."

Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my
favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"

Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me,
'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"













Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one
turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so
much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as
kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by
thetime you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's
nothing'left but lips and a briefcase..."















This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very
constipated.
The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. "Come
to my office in a few days," said the doctor, "and let me know how it
works."

A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.

"Have you moved yet?" asks the doctor.

"No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee."

The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as
much.

Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that
he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said,
"Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is
happening."

Two days later, the man returned.

"Well," said the doctor, "have you moved yet?"

"No, sir, me no moovee yet.
Me moovee tomorrow, though.
House full of ****."











A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood
and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third
guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."














One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees
little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells
him that good little boys save it until they are married.
A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little
Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about,
dear?" she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved
nearly a quart!"









Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average
female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused *****!
================================================== ====================
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking,
going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles

and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,

the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "But I do make a good living squeezing men by
the balls till they cough up money..... I'm a "Divorce Attorney."