Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) -- adj. Being able to drive and read a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) -- adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) -- n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye (or ear).

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) -- n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

BUZZACKS (buz' aks) -- n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) -- n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DIMP (dimp) -- n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') -- v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will `remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) -- n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) -- n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) -- n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) -- n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) -- n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) -- n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) -- n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') -- n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) -- adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) -- n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) -- n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) -- n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

[bonyhadi]

Math Test...

MATHS TEST FOR PRIVATE SCHOOLS

Name______________________________________________ ________
(If longer, please continue on separate sheet)

School ___________________________________

Daddy's Company( or Net Worth ) __________________________

1. Harry smashes up the old man's car, causing X amount of damage and
killing three people. The old man asks his local CC to intervene in the
court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of Y.
The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement
for the three dead people. What kind of car is Harry driving now?

2. Fiona's personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of
a month she saves the price of a return ticket to Honduras and Fiona doesn't
even notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Bertram fancies the arse off a certain number of tarts, but he only has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol,
how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Verity throws up four times a day for a week she can fit in a size 8
Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to
make do with a size 10 Dolce & Gabbana. How much does liposuction cost?

5. Marstin IV is unsure about his sexuality. Three days a week he fancies
women. On the other days he fancies men, ducks and vacuum cleaners. However, he
only has access to the Hoover every third week. What's the price of new
Electrolux ?

[CobraDan]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash have ever put my pecker in!

[bonyhadi]

Diet Questions Answered.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life.
Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's
it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out
eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live
longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.
So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism
of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass
(green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you
100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and
vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything
in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and
vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal,
and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so
that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a
burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio
is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is:
No Pain - Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How
could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a
bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans...another vegetable. It's
the best feel good food around!


I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have
had about food and diets.

Have a cookie...flour is a grain!




















A little trivia to clutter your mind

1. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed
to speak.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the
typing.
5. The shark is the only fish that can blink with both
eyes.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New
Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English
language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over
the Parliament building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are
stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month,
orange,silver,or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the
letters "mt".
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the
Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
14.. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room
during
a dance.
16. Maine is the only state (in USA) whose name is
just
one syllable.
17. There are only four words in the English language
which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous,
stupendous, and hazardous.
18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra
Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a
watch is 10:10.
23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street
were
named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in
Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."
25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
30. Rubberbands last longer when refrigerated.
31. The microwave was invented after a researcher
walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in
his pocket.
32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed
with only the left hand.
NOW you know everything...You could be a TEENAGER!!!






















> > > > > My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
> > > > > "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just
> > > > > finished cleaning!"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me RELIGION:
> > > > > "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
> > > > > "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the
> > > > > middle of next week!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me LOGIC:
> > > > > "Because I said so, that's why."
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me LOGIC:
> > > > > "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
> > > > > you're not going to the store with me."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
> > > > > "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case
> > > > > you're in an accident"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me IRONY:
> > > > > "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
> > > > > "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
> > > > > "Will you 'look' at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about STAMINA:
> > > > > "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about WEATHER:
> > > > > "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
> > > > > "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you,
> > > > > would you listen THEN?"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
> > > > > "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times-Don't
> > > > > Exaggerate!!!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
> > > > > "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
> > > > > "Stop acting like your father!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My mother taught me about ENVY!
> > > > > "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
> > > > > who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
> > > > > "Just wait until we get home."
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:
> > > > > "You are going to get it when we get home!"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
> > > > > "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to
> > > > > freeze that way."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
> > > > > "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get
> > > > > a good job."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me ESP:
> > > > > "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me HUMOR:
> > > > > "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running
> > > > > to me."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
> > > > > "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about SEX:
> > > > > "How do you think you got here?"
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
> > > > > "You're just like your father."
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
> > > > > "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
> > > > >
> > > > >
> > > > > My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
> > > > > "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
> > > > >
> > > > > And my all time favorite........................
> > > > > My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
> > > > > "One day you'll have kids ...and I hope they turn out
> > > > > just like you!"
> > > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> >
> >
>

[bonyhadi]

Company Memo
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

jumping to conclusions,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!

[CobraDan]

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made
passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife
scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

[trctrdrvr]

How can you tell when a Nascar fan is watching a Formula 1 race?

When he taps you on the shoulder & asks " are we watching qualifying?"




Mike

[CobraDan]

This is men bashing ?

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
--------------------------------------------------- A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
--------------------------------------------------- "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
---------------------------------------------------
He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said - Well, you succeeded.
---------------------------------------------------
He said - Two inches more and I would be king
She said - Two inches less, and you'd be queen
---------------------------------------------------
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not"
---------------------------------------------------
For my friends the GASHOLES
He said - Should we try swapping positions tonight?
She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
---------------------------------------------------
He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

[bonyhadi]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple
of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl,
it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here
beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the
bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and
each put a label on their forehead.When they reached the roadblock, the
sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

... "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."









A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a
massive hangover and can't remember
anything he did last night.

He picks up his dressing gown from the
floor and puts it on. He notices there's
something in one of the pockets and it
turns out to be a bra. He thinks to himself,
"Uh oh. What happened last night?"

He walks towards the bathroom and finds
a panty in the other pocket of his gown.
Again he thinks, "What happened last night.
What have I done? It must have been a wild
party," making his best attempt to conclude
and accept the evidence.

He opens the bathroom door, walks in and
has a look in the mirror. He notices a little
string hanging out of his mouth and his only
thought is, "If there's a God, please let this
be a tea bag."
















One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for
her sins, came to a Baptist church. She got up in front of the
congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier
who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.

She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but
now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.

"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I
will sleep with the Lord," she finished. But before the
congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out
in a clear voice, "That's right momma, **** 'em all."





















Bubba had three daughters.

One Saturday evening the door bell rang. Bubba answered the
door, where he was greeted by a young man with bad case of acne.

The boy smiled, and said, "Hi, my name is Joe. I'm here to pick
up Flo. We're going to see a show. Can she go?"

Bubba shook his head, and told his daughter to have a nice time.

A short time later there was a knock at the door. Upon opening
the door Bubba was greeted by another pimple faced boy who smiled
and said, "Hi, my name is Eddie. I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

Bubba shook his head, and kissed his daughter good night.

No sooner had Bubba sat down that the bell rang again. Bubba
opened the door to be greeted by a boy with clear skin who said,
"Hi, My name is Chuck." With that, Bubba shot him.

[bonyhadi]

the eight qualities of a perfect man:

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well ... read the CAPITAL LETTERS only

[CobraDan]

A guy is walking through a fairground one day, when he notices a stunning redhead sprawled on the ground unconscious.
Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response.
Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond.
Finally, the guy takes another tack. He unbuttons the girl's blouse,and slides it off her body. Then, unhooking her bra, he begins to massage and fondle her firm, soft breasts.
The girl begins to moan and gasp in pleasure, her nipples stiffening, and finally her eyes flutter open.
"Oh thank you," she sighs. Looking down at the guy's hands, still massaging her tits, she goes on. "Tell me, how did you think of such a novel way to revive me?"
"It wasn't my idea," he says. "That guy over there kept shouting, "Rubber balloons ..... Rubber balloons!

[bonyhadi]

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY.....

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: You had a
vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the
Woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several porn
movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids. Bad: You can't find
your birth control pills. Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter. Bad: She
keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a
shotgun. Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly:
He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your
co-workers are her best clients. Way ugly: She makes more money than
you.

[CobraDan]

Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy and beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a
state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no
reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos). As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground.
Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, bent over to pick it up and set off all the other bells.

[CobraDan]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as
he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer,he would be put to death.
The question: What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The price would be high;
the witch was famous throughout the
kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first:
The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!Young Arthur was horrified: She was
hunchbacked and hideous, had only
one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to
endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding
was proclaimed,and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.
What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.
The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him! The
most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him!
The astounded Gawain asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she
would be her beautiful maiden self.
Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?
What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day,a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of
his home, an old witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments?
What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.



Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,because he had respected her
enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
What is the moral of this story?
The moral is:
If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly!

[CobraDan]

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).
There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"

[bonyhadi]

The doctor tells his patient: "Linda, I have some good news and some
bad news."
Linda asks for the good news first.
"Well, the test results are in, and the good news is that you aren't
suffering from Pre-menstrual Syndrome, as you'd feared."
"And the bad news?" Linda asks.
To which the Doc replies: "I'm afraid there's no cure for being a
natural *****."
================================================== ===========
Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker
1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard. Rest your left testicle in the rounded
hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately
below that (the Q key on a standard keyboard, probably something different on
the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number
key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is ``1234567890-+'' the
backspace key removes the.)

3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a
distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare intently at
the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground.
Repeat the above test.


Cautions
1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.

2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two
keyboards end to end.

3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down
with alcohol first.

4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire
extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can also be used to
diagnose some genital disorders.


Test Results Diagnosis
1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome

12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis

12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.

12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road he
stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and
crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg.

The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear
lets his hand slide up her leg. She immediately says "Father remember
psalm 129."

The priest apologizes profusely and removes his hand but is unable to
remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on when he changes gear and has oggled at her leg for the
zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again. The Nun once
again says "Father remember psalm 129"

Once again the priest apologizes "Sorry sister but you know the flesh
is weak."

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his
way.

Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up psalm
129 it said: "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
100 Reasons Why It's Great To Be A Woman!
1. We can get laid anytime we want.
2. We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3. We pee sitting down so it's easier to pass out on the toilet when you're
drunk.

4. We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5. We get out of speeding tickets by showing a little cleavage or leg.

6. We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7. We get to shop at Victoria's Secret.

8. We can marry rich and then not have to work.

9. We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10. Men take us on all expense paid trips - all we have to do is sleep with
them

11. Men light our cigarettes for us.

12. Men hold the door open for us.

13. We pout better. (those puppy dog eyes always work!)

14. We're cuter.

15. We lie better.

16. We're better manipulators.

17. We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves
- you guys get the couch.

18. We always have food in the fridge.

19. We don't worry about losing our hair.

20. We always get to choose the movie.

21. We don't have to mow the lawn.

22. We don't have to take out the garbage.

23. We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. PMS - yet another excuse to ***** at men.

25. Cosmopolitan.

26. We can con our way out of anything - not just dig ourselves deeper into a
hole.

27. Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. PMS is a legal defense for murder.

29. Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first time you can walk all over em
forever.

30. We can masturbate more in a day than men.

31. 2 words - multi orgasmic!

32. We don't have to constantly adjust our genitals.

33. Sweat is sexy on us.

34. We never run out of excuses.

35. You guys may get to think about sex 200 times a day, but we could be
having it that often.

36. Doggie style - that way we get to watch the game, too.

37. We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.

38. We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men screw up so
often.

39. We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.

40. Women are cleaner.

41. Women have more than one erogenous zone. (in case you guys didn't know)

42. We're better arguers.

43. We don't always have to think with our genitals.

44. Massage!!!!

45. We're better parents.

46. We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.

47. There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.

48. We're flexible.

49. When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just
take it out on the world in general because we can.

50. Menopause - thank heaven we're not capable of having children after we're
50.

51. Menstruation - just another excuse to use so we can say "no" to sex.

52. Men in uniform.

53. There is no penis envy.

54. We can just roll over and go to sleep after we masturbate because there's
no messy cleanup.

55. It generally takes us less to get drunk.

56. We have a higher tolerance to pain.

57. We often get to cut in line.

58. Most women actually look good in short shorts - men DON'T.

59. Better tips.

60. Women who don't wear underwear are considered sexy and wild, when men do
it, it's rather disgusting

61. We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or
make loud bodily noises in public.

62. Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell
disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume! 63. We can connive men
into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we
want.

64. We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.

65. We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet. 66. Men will pay us for sex.

67. Smoking the seeds in marijuana doesn't make us sterile.

68. We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.

69. Men may fantasize about having sex with more than one woman at a time,
but we can have sex with an entire football team at once if we want.

70. Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car
hits us, he gets hurt not us.

71. Women sweat less.

72. Women smell better.

73. When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on
flowers or cards - a blow job and sex fixes all.

74. Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.

75. Women don't get the humor in the three stooges.

76. Women have three accessible holes.

77. We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.

78. We're better gossips.

79. We have better fashion sense.

80. We're better shoppers.

81. We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.

82. Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.

83. Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell
you)

84. We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme
advantage.

85. We don't have to drive when on a date.

86. An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable -
ugly men are just screwed.

87. Women can use the old "that mark on my neck is from a curling iron burn"
line.

88. Women know how fake it.

89. Women look better naked

90. We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.

91. When women are short, we're petite. When men are short, they're just
short.

92. Women do less time for violent crimes.

93. Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.

94. An oblong vegetable is all we need for a good time any night.

95. Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok
then bye"

96. Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.

97. Women never have to see combat.

98. The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.

99. Women are sexier.

and the 100th reason its better to be a woman - this one is definitely worthy
of reiteration:

100. We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it!

[bonyhadi]

Think you know everything?
1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

3. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

4. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

5. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

6. There are more chickens than people in the world.

7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

8. The longest one syllable word in the English language is "screeched."

9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament
building is an American flag.

10. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or
purple.

12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the
back on the $5 bill.

14. Almonds are a member of the peach family.

15. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

16. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

17. There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

18. Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora Reina de los
Angeles de Porciuncula"

19. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

20. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

21. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

22. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

23. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

24. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the
cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

25. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

27. A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

28. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

29. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

30. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

31. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and
a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

32. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

33. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

34. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

35. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand
..now you know everything.
==========================================
Inventions by Blondes
The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlights

Submarine screen doors

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart boards

A dictionary index

Mechanical Pencil sharpener

Powdered water

Pedal-powered wheel chairs

Waterproof tea bags

Watermelon seed sorter

Zero proof alcohol

Reuseable ice cubes

See-through toilet tissue

Skinless bananas

Do-it-yourself road map

Turnip ice cream

Toe implants

An all white flag

Rolls Royce pickup truck

[bonyhadi]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL WORD
Well, it's ****........That's right, ****! **** may just be the most functional word in the English language. Consider: You can be
**** faced, **** out of luck, Or have **** for brains. With a little effort, you can get your **** together, Find a place for your ****
Or decide to **** or get off the pot. You can smoke ****, Buy ****, sell ****, Lose ****, find ****, Forget ****, And tell others to eat
**** and die. Some people know their ****, While others can't tell the difference between **** and shineola. There are lucky
****s, Dumb ****s, Crazy ****s, And sweet ****s. There is bull ****, Horse **** And chicken ****. You can throw ****, Sling ****,
Catch ****, Shoot the ****, Or duck when **** hits the fan. You can give a **** Or serve **** on a shingle. You can find yourself
in deep **** Or be happier than a pig in ****. Some days are colder than ****, Some days are hotter than ****, And some days
are just plain ****ty. Some music sounds like ****, Things can look like ****, And there are times when you feel like ****. You
can have too much ****, Not enough ****, The right ****, The wrong **** Or a lot of weird ****. You can carry ****, Have a
mountain of ****, Or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to ****, And other
times you fall in a bucket of **** and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, It's the basic
building block of creation. And remember, once you know your ****, You don't need to know anything else! You could pass
this along, if you give a ****!













Boys and girls
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an
hour.
PETER : Yes darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette his mouth.

Man : You remind me of the sea.
Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
Man : NO, because you make me sick.

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.?


















WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT: So your daughter's a hooker, and it
spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.


1) My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your
cat. Sorry!

2) You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet
of
flowers and a box of Depends.

3) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.

4) You totaled your car.
And can't remember why. Could it have been That whole case of Bud
Dry?

5) "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder: What the f*** was I thinking?"

6) "Congratulations on
your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

7) "How could two people
as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

8) "I've always wanted to
have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've
changed my mind."

9) I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in
Hell
until I met you." "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that
you're not
here to ruin it for me."

10) "Thanks for being a
part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

11) "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again."

12) "Happy Birthday!
You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!"

13) "When we were
together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise."

14) "We have been friends
for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

15) "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

16) "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father is?"

17) "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you
often."

18) "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your
birthday... so we're having you put to sleep."













Quick Intelligence Test

1. If you went to bed at 8 o'clock at night and
wound up your clock
alarm to get you up at 9 o'clock the next
morning, how many hours
sleep would you get?

2. Do they have a 4th of July in England?

3. How many birth days does the average man have?


4. Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem, NC,
be buried west of the
Mississippi River?

5. If you had only one match and entered a room
in which there was a
kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a
woodburning stove, which would
you light first?

6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how
many months have 28 days?

7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to
take one every half hour,
how long would they last you?

8. A man builds a house and all four sides have a
southern exposure. A
bear wanders by - what color is the bear?

9. How far can a dog run into the woods?

10. What four words appear on every denomination
of U.S. coins?

11. In baseball, how many outs in an inning?

12. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which
total 55 cents in value.
One is not a nickel. What are the coins?

13. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How
many did he have left?

14. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the
answer?

15. Two men were playing checkers. Each played
five games and each man won
the same number of games. No draws. How can
this be?

16. Take two apples from three apples and what do
you have?

17. An archaeologist claimed he found some coins
of gold dated to 46 B.C.
Do you think he did?
18. How many animals of each species did Moses
take aboard the Ark with
him?
19. Is it legal in California for a man to marry
his widow's sister?

************************************************** **********

Here are the >answers:
1. 1 hour of sleep. Wind up clocks don't have
am/pm settings.
2. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
3. 1
4. He could be buried alive but that would be
awful.
5. Light the match first.
6. All 12 have 28 days
7. 1 hour
8. White. The North Pole is the only place where
all four sides face
south.
9. halfway, then he would be running out of the
woods.
10. In God We Trust
11. 6 outs per inning
12. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not
a nickel)
13. 9 sheep
14. 70
15. They weren't playing against each other
16. 2 apples
17. How can coins be dated B.C. if the
designation didn't exist until
A.D.
18. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not
Moses
19. No. Can't marry someone if you're dead.

[bonyhadi]

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses
around, then spots the perfect car and walks over
to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very
embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she
turns back, there standing next to her, is a
salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching
it, you are going to **** when you hear the
price."











EVER WONDER
>
>
>
> >Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
> >
> >Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> >Why don't you ever see the headline
> >"Psychic Wins Lottery"?
> >
> >Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
> >
> >Why is it that doctors call what they do
> >"practice"?
> >
> >Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
> >
> >Why is lemon juice made with artificial
> >flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
> >
> >Why is the man who invests all your money
> >called a broker?
> >
> >Why is the time of day with the slowest
> >traffic called rush hour?
> >
> >Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
> >
> >When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
> >
> >Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
> >
> >Why do they sterilize the needle for
> >lethal injections?
> >
> >You know that indestructible black box
> >that is used on airplanes? Why don't
> >they make the whole plane out of that
> >stuff?
> >
> >Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
> >
> >Why are they called apartments when they
> >are all stuck together?
> >
> >If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
> >
> >If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
> >
> > In case you needed further proof that the
> >human race is doomed through stupidity,
> >here are some actual label instructions
> >on consumer goods.
> >
> >On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while
> >sleeping. ( and that's the only time
> >I have to work on my hair).
> >
> >On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a
> >winner! No purchase necessary.Details
> >inside. (the shoplifter special)?
> >
> >On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions:
> >Use like regular soap." (and that would
> >be how???....)
> >
> >On some Swanson frozen dinners:
> >"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's
> >"just" a suggestion).
> >
> > On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on
> >bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
> >(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
> >
> > On Marks & Spencer Bread
> >Pudding:"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you
>thought????...)
> >
> >On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but
> >wouldn't this save me more time)?
> >
> >On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate
>machinery
> >after taking this medication." (We
> >could do a lot to reduce the rate of
> >construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with
> >head-colds off those forklifts.)
> >
> >On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May
> >cause drowsiness."
> >(and...I'm taking this because???....)
> >
> >On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
>(as
> >opposed to...what)?
> >
> >On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now,
> >somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
> >
> >On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning:
> >contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
> >
> >On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
> >"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
> >
> >On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable
>you
> > to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
>one.)
> >
> > Now that you've smiled at least once,
> >it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you
>want
>to
> >bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to
> >everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
>












Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State building
drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says, "You know,
last week I
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you
fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it
carries
you around the building and back into the window."

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping down the bar,
but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's
no way in hell that could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man,
"let
me prove it to you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around
the
building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back
up to the bar.

He meets the second man, who is astonished. "You know I saw that wind
with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was
scientifically impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as
his body hurtles toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him
around the
building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar.

Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it.
"Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so
I'll try
it!"

He immediately jumps over the balcony, plunges downward....rapidly passes
the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors....his body hits the sidewalk with a loud
"splat.

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the
first drinker, and shakes his head. He says..."You know, Superman, you're a
real asshole when you're drunk."












EGGS IN LOVE

Two eggs had just been married and were on their
honeymoon. While they
were sitting on the bed making out, the female
egg pushed the male egg
away and said, "I just have to go to the
bathroom. Be back in a
minute."

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife
walk out in a slinky
egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth,
ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the
top of his head,
covering it completely. The female egg looked at
him and asked what he
was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this
hard, someone cracked
me on the head with a spoon!"
















Signs Your Neighbor Has a Dirty Bomb


16> Three times this week she's come over to
borrow a cup of
uranium-238.

15> Daily muffled booms and the constant smell of

charred hamster.

14> Her every outfit is coordinated with a
matching lead apron.

13> There's a large pile of dead Jehovah's
Witnesses at his
front door.

12> The box-office total for the first weekend of

his new movie,
"Bill and Monica's Excellent Adventure," was
only $4860.

11> After listening attentively to your Amway
spiel, she asks
if you sell bomb cleaner.

10> Always kind of squirrelly, his son Skippy is
now completely
indistinguishable from one.

9> A 20-foot pineapple just ate your dog, kennel

and all.

8> The nearest nuclear plant is 300 miles away,
but your
goldfish just started quoting Aristotle.

7> You see a mushroom cloud in his back yard,
yet his BBQ grill
is covered.

6> Before: Whines about how nobody likes him.
Now: Cackles about how everyone will fear
him.

5> You no longer step in your dog's poop now
that it glows
like neon.

4> Before you can even load the bong, that weed
he grows in his
basement fires up all on its own.

3> None of his other bombs press you for anal.

2> You're a day late returning his hedge trimmer

and he gets
all "Hulk smash!" on you.

1> When CNN airs spy-plane footage of the
suspected Al-Qaeda
terrorist compound, you spot your kid's
Frisbee on the roof.















Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96
year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's
at the door."










Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it' mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours
in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces
are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put
it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

[bonyhadi]

You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

Its Good to be the Woman We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening
anyway.

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from
insomnia." -- Joseph Wood Krutch

Actual logged maintenance complaints and problems P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken
by the engineers. P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.

You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

Least Popular Street Names Vicious Circle

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." * Johnny Carson

You Know You have Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When: You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to
knit.

Its Good to be the Woman There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it
just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
* Richard Jeni

doglet -- any breed of dog so small it can be terrorized by the average-sized house cat

Its Good to be the Woman We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

Little Known Illnesses OREOPOROSIS Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.











You do know the difference between a Fairy Tale and a Sea Story, don't
you?

A Fairy Tale starts out "Once upon a time," while a Sea Story begins
with, "Now, this is a 'no-****ter.'"

Brotha Jim SWEARS on his mother's life that this is a "no-****ter."
That it's true.

Jim plays golf down in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The course was built right
next to a cemetery. One of the greens is right next to the fence that
separates the golf course from the cemetery.

One afternoon, Jim was playing with a well-known loudmouth and they
came up to that green.

Loudmouth had about a 50 foot putt to sink. He took out his putter and
whacked the ball towards the hole.

It so just happens on the other side of the fence there was a funeral
in process. Jim says, "Honest to God, that putt *almost* made it in
about the time the pastor across the fence got done with the service.
Loudmouth shouts -- loud enough for the funeral to hear -- 'Get in
that damn hole, mother****er!'"





















CONSTRUCTION WORKER

There was this construction worker on
the 3rd floor of this unfinished building.
He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy
to go down and get it himself, so he
tried to call his fellow worker on the
ground to get it for him, but this guy
could not hear a word he said. So he
started to give a sign so the guy on
the ground could understand him.

So first he pointed at his eyes
(meaning "I") then pointed at his
knees (meaning "need",) and moved
his hand back and forth describing
the movement of a hand saw.

Finally the guy on the ground started
nodding his head like he understood
and dropped his pants and started to
jack off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed
and ran down to the ground and started
yelling at this guy: "You idiot, I was
trying to say, I need a hand saw". The
other guy replied: "I know, I was trying
to tell you that "I am coming...".













On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car
accident. The couple find themselves sittng outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they
begin to wounder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter
shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves. The couple sat
and waited for an answer ... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married
in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they woundered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking some what
bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a devorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced
with anger, slams his clipboard onto the gound. "What's wrong?" asked the
frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peater shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer !
~~~~~~~