Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Subject: Truths About Older Women

> This was too good not to pass on. Written by a man - of course. .

>
>
> It is important for men to remember that as women grow
> older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
> quality of housekeeping they did when they were
> younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
> yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
>
> When I chucked my job and took early retirement a year
> ago, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time
> job both for extra income and for health insurance
> benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when
> we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land
> a job at the local medical center as a phlebotomist.
>
> It was shortly after she started working at this job
> that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.
> I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the
> same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
> how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has
> to rest for half an hour or so before
>
> she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this
> happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I
> understand that she is not as young as she used to be.
> I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get
> supper on the table.
>
> She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we
> finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit
> on the table for several hours after supper. I do
>
> what I can by reminding her several times each evening
> that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
> appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
> done before she goes to bed.
>
> Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was
> younger, Nancy used to be able to go up and down the
> stairs all day and not get tired.
>
> Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
> more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make
> another trip down those steps. I don't make a big
> issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry
> the next evening I am willing to overlook it. Not only
> that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to
> the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
> Saturday's club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling
> or Friday's poker game or something like that, I will
> tell her to wait until the next evening to do the
> ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some
> of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or
dusting.
>
> Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this
> allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more
> leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not
often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to
> find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her
complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch
it out over two
> or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so
> much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely
> now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I
> mean.
>
> When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs
> more rest periods than she used to have to take. A
> couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break
> when she was only half finished mowing the yard.
>
> I overlook comments like these because I realize it's
> just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her
> when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell
> her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly
> squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her
> that as long as she is making one for herself, she may
> as well make one for me and take her break by the
> hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
>
> I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm
> coming from.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
> support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that
> the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
> Many men will find it difficult . Some will find it
> impossible. No one knows better than I do how
> frustrating women can become as they get older. My
> purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you
> make the effort. I realize that achieving the
> exemplary level of showing consideration
>
> I have attained is out of reach for the average man.
> However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
> little less often because of this article, I will
> consider that writing it was worthwhile.
> ------------------------------

[bonyhadi]

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to
your eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1, repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line while we trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are delusional and think you are possessed by Satan, press 666.

If you think you are calling Focus on the Family, please enter your credit card number now.

Click.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
A new young monk arrives at the monastery.? He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the abbot to
question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the
first copy, it would never be
picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened
for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody
and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
The List:

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest joy...........................................Givi ng
The greatest loss......................Loss of self-respect
The most satisfying work...................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait...................Selfishness
The most endangered species.....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource....................Our youth
The greatest shot in the arm...........Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome......................Fear
The most effective sleeping pill.........Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love
The most dangerous pariah......................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer.......The brain
The worst thing to be without......................... Hope
The deadliest weapon.............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words................."I Can"
The greatest asset..........................................Fai th
The most worthless emotion......................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire................................SMILE!
The most prized possession....................... Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication..........Prayer
The most contagious spirit....................Enthusiasm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple were sitting watching the tv one evening
Out of the blue (suddenly) the old girl got up, walked across the room to her husband and wacked him around
the ear and then returned to her chair
He was totally taken by surprise, but when he recovered, he asked "what was that
for?"
She said, "that's for being such a lousy lover all our married life".
So the old fella got up and walked over to her and wacked her one around the
ear......"and that's for knowing the difference".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him stumbling,
he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However, his face was so covered with
mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband.
"The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
A newlywed sailor was transferred to a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. He
soon began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her al etter."My darling," he wrote, "it looks
like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and
there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly
surrounded by attractive young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I
would not be so tempted?"
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually
his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't
wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
"First, let me see you play that harmonica!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carnation Milk

A lady had been married to a farmer
all of her life. They had cows and
horses on their farm and also grew
a number of crops for sale at the
local farmers market.

While shopping at the local grocery
store for a few items that she and
her husband did not raise or grow
for themselves, she came across a
contest form while in the store.

So she completed their jingle and
mailed it off to the Carnation Milk
Company in an effort to win a cash
prize which had been offered for
the best entry regarding those little
cans of milk found on grocery shelves.
Carnation had furnished the first line
of jingle with these words, "I like
Carnation best of all...." and the
submitter had only to complete the
remainder of the jingle on their
entry form.

Each contestant could only use 50
words or less. A couple of months
later, the woman was surprised when
a Carnation Milk representative came
to her door and told her that her entry
was the best one submitted. However it
was unfortunate that the company could
not publish it.

In lieu of that latter fact, they had
decided that her entry was worth at least
a consolation award and provided her with
a company check in the amount of $1,000
for her creativity. Here is her entry

I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no **** to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a *****.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Das Leben ist zu kurz um schlecten Wein zu
trinken

During the National Spelling Bee recently in the
nation's capital,
Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering
that the USA was embedded in the middle of
Jerusalem, Israel's holiest city. The
revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader
at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville
Center, Md. When young Levin was asked to spell the
word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who
realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy
city. Muslim parents
immediately protested the spelling contest, citing
American bias toward Israel.
"It's a clear violation of church and state," said
Mohammed Ahlee,
lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite. Bee officials
quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the
Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed
Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High,
had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan
as Afghanustan.
"There is no 'A-N-U-S' in the middle of Afghanistan,"
said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is
still hiding there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sales girl at the Pink *****cat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.
"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl."
The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Brain Teasers:

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with
loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5
minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out
together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of
this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and
still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out
what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was
wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though.
Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But
if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the
barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English
language, does not appear once in the long paragraph.


Click here: Emode.com - The Ultimate IQ Test - page 1
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
What Gender Are They

ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging
out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light
a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years,
but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female... Ha! You thought I'd say male. But consider, it
gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
============================================

[bonyhadi]

A Yankee salesman was traveling through the countryside peddling insect repellent. He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is
so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield, buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite
on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."
The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the
house went the farmer.
The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet
he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him. The farmer was perplexed.
"Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?" He looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "My God,
Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
A crotchety old spinster was asked why she had never married. Her answer was tart: "I
have a dog that snarls, a parrot that swears, a cat that stays out all night and a fireplace
that smokes. Why in the dickens would I want a husband?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar. The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take
enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo,too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little gray mouse in a rather private place.
Do you want to see my tattoo?"

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman.

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a impish smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all.
My ***** must have eaten it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hat pin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hat pin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"G-d!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``


Rev. Jesse Jackson walked into the appliance section of a Sears Roebuck store. He looked around then
shouted, " I want to see the manager right now!"

The manager of the department came out and said, "How can I help you Reverend?"

Jesse replied, "I want to know why all of your washing machines are WHITE?"

The manager immediately flipped open all the lids of the washing machines and said: "Reverend Jackson,
yes, all of our washing are white but if you look inside, you'll find that all of the Agitators are Black."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their
trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up to leave until the theater was ready to close for
the night.



"You folks must've enjoyed the show," the usher said.

"Disgusting," said the old lady.


"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did

you sit through it twice?" the usher asks. "We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old
lady replied. "We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`


Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeballs to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve.
It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe me,
pull a hair from your butt
and see if it doesn't
bring a tear to your eye.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat *

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION::
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.


THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Computer Terminology

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC.

State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought
for the same price a Microsecond ago."

Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying "Hi, I want to buy a computer and
money is no object."

Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax
Error.

GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.
(pronounced "gooey")

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and
on business trips.

Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.

System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the
guy asks the
bartender about it.

Guy: Hey bartender what's all the money for?

Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.

Guy: Oh yea, what is it?

Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, u have to go down to the end of the bar and knock that big fellow there out in one punch.

The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.

Guy: Well, I think I could take him.

Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?

Guy: Yea I see it.

Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out.

The guy thinks for a little while and replies Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that.

Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.

Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!

Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?

Guy: Yea Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.

Guy: I'M OUTTA THIS BET!

But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on
the
table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the
pit-bull...he opens the door and steps in...all of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking
of an angry
dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender
hears the
dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens...

The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...the guy slowly gets up and
looks at the
bartender:













A magician worked on a cruise ship. There was a different audience each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over
again.

One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he
understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!", "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was after all, the captain's parrot.


Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the
parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.


Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:
"OK, I give up. Where's the f*ckin' ship?"












Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot
sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and
discovered a nude female,dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and
placed it over her right breast. The All Black fan took of his cap and
placed it over her left breast. Following their lead the Australian fan
took off his cap and placed it over her crutch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived he conducted his
inspection. First, he lifted up the Springbok cap, replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. Next he lifted the All Black cap replaced it, and wrote
down some notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it
then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it
one last time.

The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked "What are you, a
pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look
under an Australian hat I find an asshole."

[bonyhadi]

IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage,
and vacate before sun up.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE."
:-)
*

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it???** It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.









A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He
took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not
a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping
to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive
paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of
wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in
a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."








An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found,
to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a
rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and
showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've
got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."









Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.

IF "AOL" OWNED YOUR CITY...

You'd live in a place where no two people had the same name.

You'd only pay $21.95 a month to live there, but half the time you
tried to leave your house, the door would be stuck.

The local post office would tell your mother you're not a known
resident.

If you saw a crime and called 911, they'd reply a week later with a
form letter saying how you "really are important to us."

You'd not have any idea who your neighbors are, and most new arrivals
would move in at night, stuff everyone's mailbox with garbage,
and vacate before sun up.

Whenever you traveled to other cities, people would see your license
tag and laugh at you, behind your back.

Every time you went shopping, you'd be kicked out of the store by a
bouncer screaming, "WE'RE SORRY, THIS STORE IS TEMPORARILY
UNAVAILABLE."
:-)
*

Ten Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions...


1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, it's all that ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

10. Eat it???** It took me ten beers to get up the courage to screw it.









A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He
took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not
a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping
to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive
paintings, first editions of famous authors and offered he a glass of
wine.
He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods, Just looking at it in
a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."








An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found,
to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a
rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and
showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed.
"What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've
got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."









Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them
decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and
hurt ourselves.







A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden."
===========================





A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he
reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her
and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped
them flat.
"Well, we're not having any of that **** in our garden."
===========================

[bonyhadi]

gotta love those Aussies:-

MELBOURNE, Australia -- Gun-toting granny Ava
> Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped
> her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the
> unsuspecting ex-cons down and shot off their
> testicles.
>
> The old lady spent a week hunting those men down --
> and when she found them, she took revenge on them in
> her own special way,- said Melbourne police
> investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the
> nearest police station, laid the gun on the
> sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could
> be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again,
> by God.'
>
> Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth,
> 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when
> outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the
> hotel room where he and former prison cellmate
> Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled
> avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come,
> but doctors managed to save his mangled penis,
> police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his
> manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be
> using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told
> reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape,
> but I think they're just happy to be alive after
> what they've been through.
>
> The Rambo Granny swung into action June 21 after her
> granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in
> broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a
> section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw
> the look on my Debbie's face that night in the
> hospital, I decided I was going to go
> out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured
> the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired
> library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either
> -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin'
> all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in
> when the law changed about owning one."
>
> So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects
> and Debbie's description of the sickos',
> tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the
> wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took
> place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists
> entering their flophouse hotel. I know it was them
> the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em
> anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure
> as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I
> went back to that hotel and found their room and
> knocked on the door -- and the minute the big one,
> Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square
> between
> the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most,
> you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as
> he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I
> went down to the police station and turned myself
> in.
>
> Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly
> how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did
> was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is
> difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison.
> Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in
> the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a
> medal.

[CobraDan]

A guy goes into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you're not eating right"

[bonyhadi]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's
oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look
and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and
stops
at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.

He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice
cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to
eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the
mechanic if he's found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've
blown a seal." "No, no, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's
just ice cream."






As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his
mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a
bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways,
and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and
sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and
looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.
As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After
awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the
butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down
the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He
does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around
the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the
front door.
A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.
The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This
dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass. It's the second time
this week he's forgotten his key!"


Sam and Joe, two old friends from childhood, were living in the local nursing home. As their
nurse was making rounds one day, she saw Sam sitting on the foot of his bed making noises
like an automobile motor.
"Where ya going, Sam?" asked the nurse.
In a quaking voice, Sam replied "I'm going to Chicago to have a good time".
"Be careful", said nurse. Later in the day, she came back by the men's room and again saw
Sam sitting in a chair this time and making slurping noises as if eating. "What are you doing,
Sam?" asked the nurse.
"I'm having a wonderful dinner in Chicago," said Sam. The nurse told him that was great and
to enjoy his dinner. On her return trip to the station, the nurse saw Joe standing naked in
the middle of the room and making hunching moves. ''JOE! What in the world are you
doing?", barked the nurse.
Joe, in a proud but shaky voice replied, "I'm ****ing Sam's wife while he's in Chicago".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to
read a book. As he was reading,
he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty." He did this a few times but only for a very short time each
time. He would then stop and resume
reading his book. The wife gradually became aroused and thought that her husband was seeking some response before going any
further. She got up and started
stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked: "What are you doing taking your clothes off?"
The wife replied, "You were playing with my kitty. I thought you were trying to give me the hint you wanted to make love
tonight?!"
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife then asked, "Well, why the hell were you touching me here then!"
"The husband replied, "I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the page."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why Men Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your
butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You know you're getting 'marvelously mature' when.............
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
Favorite excuses for missing work:
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for
not showing up for work. OK?
I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
I just found out that I was switched at birth.
Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I
won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.
My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to
drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother called me and told me
I was Jewish.
I fell off the ladder.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simple rules for all men to follow....

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is most important that these three women never meet.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Children saying the Pledge in schools could be taught reality instead of religion. So let's
change " one nation under G-d " to be more realistic by switching to..." one nation under the
I.R.S. "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

Life in the 1500's, something interesting to ponder.
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along
the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were
laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family
would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake
up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake".
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
England is old and small, and they started running out of places to
bury people. So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a
house and re-use the grave. In reopening these coffins, one out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through
the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night to listen for the bell. Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".
**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~*
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the
b.o.
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had
the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Houses had thatched roofs. Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. So, they found if they made beds with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that
problem.
Hence those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies. I wonder if
this is where we get the saying "Good night and don't let the bed bugs
bite"...
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on they kept adding
more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh
hold".
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat. They would eat the
stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been in there for a month. Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when
that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off. It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could really bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened
most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400
years.
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl. Trenchers were never
washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood. After eating off
wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~**~$<~**~
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "upper crust".

[CobraDan]

A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart covered in flowers stood
behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

[bonyhadi]

Three engineering students were discussing the possible designers of
the human body. One said, "It had to be a mechanical engineer, look at
all the joints."
Another said, "No, it had to be an electrical engineer, the nervous
system is just a marvel of millions of electrical connections."
The third said, "Actually, it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline right through a recreational
area?"
================================================== ===========
Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for a job as
a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a trial run
and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here.

After a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine.
We just have a few corrections."

First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom, don't use the
holy water.
Second, when you hang your coat up, use the cloakroom, do
not hang it on the cross.
Third, my name is Mother Superior, not Mother Shapiro!
================================================== ===========
There was the hillbilly woman who came to the hospital to have her
first child. A year later she was back for a second child. The next
year, almost like clockwork, she was back for her third child.
The hospital staff naturally began to expect her, and she was there,
just like clockwork.
In the twelfth year she didn't show, and the staff wondered what
happened...A couple of years later she shows up, but she's not
pregnant.
The hospital staff wonder what happened - did her husband die, or what?

When asked why she hadn't been there having a baby the past couple of
years, she replied "No, no more. Found out what was causin' it."
================================================== ===========
What is a FACT?
A Fact is a bit of grizzle That separates the Muck Hole from the
**** Hole, One slip and your in the **** and that's a Fact!
================================================== ===========
A woman goes into the doctor because she's missed a couple of periods
and takes a test, revealing she's pregnant. So she goes into the doctor
to confirm the results, and finds out she's about 3 1/2 months
pregnant.
"Hmmmm, is this not good news?" He says to her.
"No, not necessarily.. The problem is that I've been with 5
different guys in the past 4 months, I have no idea who the father
could be!"
"Well, it looks as though you may want to contact each of them and
have them come in for DNA testing. Then you'll know for sure." Said the
Doc.
"I can't do that." She says.
"Why not?" The Doctor replies.
"Because, they've changed their Screen Names!!!
================================================== ===========
What is so good about being a toilet seat?
You get a lot of ass!

Why do women close their eyes during sex ?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
=================================================
New Rules Of The Office... will be effective immediately...

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag, we
assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you
intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have
non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees
whose names begin with 'A will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your
allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a
coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance
meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill. Thank you
for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Have a nice week.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~
Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to
sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen
pretty easily, for he has been desperate for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him & sees
the poor guy curls up on the floor, eyes stare widely into the empty
air, filled with hopeless desire...

Feeling sorry for her husband,she opens the top drawer of the cabinet,
takes out a fifty dollar bill,and gives it to him:

"Awww, my honey is so depressed... here, take this & go to the woman
next door, she will let you sleep with her tonight... and remember that
this
happens only once... ok?... don't think about it again."

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change
her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly. A few minutes later,
he returns, hands the bill back to the wife & says with much
disappointment:
"She said this is not enough, she wants sixty..."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger "Damn that *****... when
she was pregnant & her husband came over here...I only charged him
fifty!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Are You Dirty Minded???

1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? 2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?3). What
can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?4). What word starts with f
and ends with u-c-k?5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman?6). What does a dog do that you
can step into?7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands?8). What is hard, six inches long, has
two nuts, and can make a girl fat?9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of birdcages?10). What is it that all men have one of; it's
longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?


ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times..
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,

I think you have things a little confused..
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were
screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "Would you
prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I
was trying to breathe..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each others body. The bride discovers her husbands penis.
"What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begin to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "undo those knots, I need more rope"

[bonyhadi]

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any
charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV
special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a
million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The
charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player
is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the
curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the
other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William
Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's
the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!"
and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how
he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the
positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William
Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump...








The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the
tunnel
and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern.
At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg.
Address it and say, 'I'm a sperm.'She will answer, 'I'm the egg.' >From that moment on you will work together to create the
embryo. Do
you understand?"
The sperm nodded affirmatively.

The instructor impressed upon the sperm that he had to swim hard and reach the egg first, otherwise it would all be pointless.
"You
really have to swim for it!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a kip when he hears the siren.
He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him.
He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance of the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the
other
sperm but he still swims his heart out, tail fin aching, just to reach the egg first.
At last he approaches the red, sticky ball, still way ahead of all the other sperm.

When, at last, he reaches the red sticky ball, he smiles and says "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says







S t . M o m ' s W o r t
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E m p t y N e s t r o g e n
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.

P e p t o b i m b o
Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an
evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.

D u m e r o l
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.

F l i p i t o r
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

A n t i b o y o t i c s
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on
make-up.

M e n i c i l l i n
Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can we get
naked
now?"

B u y a g r a
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie
Osmond
CD or a book by Dr. Laura

J a c k A s s p i r i n
Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your
birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A n t i - t a l k s i d e n t
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

R a g a m e t
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as
ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

N O T I C E Always consult your family physician before taking new medication.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They noticed
that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind. The next day,
after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini et Tuti
Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that
they noticed that he blessed man kind and woman kind, and asked if he
could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the
Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni et Tuti Femini et Tuti
Fruiti"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After playing on the playground at school, Tommy came home with some new words in his vocabulary. Puzzled at what they
meant, he went to his mother.
"Mom, what's a *****?"
Not at all shocked by the question, she opened up an encyclopedia and showed him a picture of
a cat.
He then asked "What's a *****?"
Once again, not at all disturbed, she opened the encyclopedia and showed him a picture of a
female dog.
Confused, little Tommy then went to his father. "Dad, what's a *****?"
He felt that it was time for his son to learn about life and opened up a porno and circled the area
between a woman's legs.
Enlightened, he then asked him, "Then what's a *****?"
His father replied, "Everything outside of the circle."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily
sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat
named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said
"Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw
you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost
under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond
comprehension."
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old
faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with
fear.
Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your
second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the
beauty of youth again".
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella
felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long-forgotten vigor and
vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke, "You have one more wish, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to
transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that,
when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor
the world had ever seen.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And,
with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat,
breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her
close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm
breath as he whispered:
.
.
.
.
..."Bet you're sorry you neutered me now".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got
to the counter.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age.
He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to
have left his wallet at home. "Will I
have to go home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on
your chest is proof enough for me," and
she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the
bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing
breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his
little boy into the room and asked him to' Bring this note to your beautiful Mummy.'The
note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to your silly
Daddy.' The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it back to
'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to the poor man
upstairs'. The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole'sThe Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,So Do It By Hand!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
If Redneck Men Ruled The World...
Nodding and looking at his watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
When a wife really needed to talk to him during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a
time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and he'd jump out his window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into his car like Fred Flintstone.
It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engage-ment ring, he could present his wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if he saw his shadow, he'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
Regis and current co-host would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.
The victors in any athletic competi-tion would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Foot-ball from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as he returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave him a ticket, every smart-aleck answer he responded with would actually reduce his fine. As in: Cop: "You know
how fast you were going?" Him:
"All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and
"100 proof."
The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of
his own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she
had no money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra,
or in her panties and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~
Michael is sitting at the bar totally forlorn and drinking up a storm. One of his friends approaches him and asks what's wrong.

Michael says, "Everything is terrible. I've been replaced at work with a computer, and I've been replaced at home with a
vibrator."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~

[Chaplin]

Federal Aviation Authority
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington, D.C.20591

Dear Sirs;
I've had a lot of time on my hands of late and believe that I may have
the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time we
just might get the Airline industry back on its feet. Here's my plan:
Since Muslim men are not allowed to look at naked women we should
replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims
would not get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman. Of course
every businessman in this country would start flying again in
anticipation of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a
screeching halt and the airline industry would probably have record
sales. Hell, I'd fly all over just for the scenery. It truly puzzles me
that congress didn't already come up with this. Am I the only one who
thinks clearly on these issues?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[bonyhadi]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact
the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman

told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying,
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~
A young lady whom thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian.
She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting,
exercise, and other things. Her final question to the dietitian sparked
his interest. She asked, "How many calories are in sperm?"
"Why?" he asked.
She explained some of the things she liked to do.
After thinking a minute, he said, "I really have no clue. But if you're
consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little
chunky!"
================================================== ==========
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a
surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should
be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor
is fun too.... you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and
me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we

try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm
sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered. The photographer opened his
briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, but the mother was
difficult."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing
to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate!
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when
the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

"...On your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big
for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!!"
================================================== ===========
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl,
"I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond.
If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks
twice.
Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out.
He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself.
When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that
dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road.
If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his
friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home,
tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns
with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says,
"This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he
sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in it's
mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there
are more ****ing ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.
================================================== ===========
The Mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not only not
quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't even seem to be
selective.
Trying to open a conversation on the subject of morals she asked,
"Susan, do you know where bad girls go ?"
"Sure Mom." the daughter replied. "Anywhere they want!"
================================================== ===========
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane,he felt the seats and said,
"Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered,
"Everything is big in Texas." When he finally arrived in Texas,
he decided to visit a bar.
Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed
between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The
bartender replied,
"Everything is big in Texas." After a couple of beers, the blind man
asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender
replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the
bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and
fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting...
"Don't flush, don't flush!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~

[CobraDan]

A Japanese company and an American company decided to have a canoe race on
the Columbia River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak
performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morally
depressed. The American management decided that the reason for the crushing
defeat had to be found.

A Measurement Team, made up of senior management was formed. They would
investigate and recommend appropriate action. They noted that the Japanese
had 8 people paddling and 1 person steering, while the Americans had one
person paddling and 8 people steering.

So American management hired a consulting company and paid them an
impressive consulting fee. They advised that too many people were steering
the boat and not enough people were paddling. To prevent losing to the
Japanese again next year, the canoe team management structure was
totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant steering manager. They also implemented a
new performance system that would give the 1 person paddling the boat
greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Canoe Team Quality
First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the paddler.

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the paddler for poor
performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and
canceled all capital investments for new equipment.

Then they gave a High Performance Award to the steering managers and
distributed the money saved as bonuses to senior management.

[CobraDan]

For all of you who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of your old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience. Some examples:

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?"

Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations--"Papa's Got a kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra--"These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

ABBA--"Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer--"You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores--"Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem--"A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan--"Rikki, Don't Lose That Clapper"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune a-Rising"

Marvin Gaye--"I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"