Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?"
The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years."
"Wow," said the other, "what are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?"
The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia."
"Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man.
"That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?"
"Go back and get her."

[CobraDan]

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into

the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I

wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the

dog. The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff he told you."

[CobraDan]

An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong.
After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things."
That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife says, "Where are you going?"
He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water."
She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream."
She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?"
He says, "All right."
She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?"
He says, "I don't have to write it down.Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She says, "You forgot my toast."

[CobraDan]

A Plea for Help!
Your help is needed!
A Plea for Help!
Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity. We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price
plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both
great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome our
greatest challenge yet. Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our
very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But you can help!
For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary,
but it's a start, and every little bit will help!
Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you,
seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage
payment, or a month of medical insurance, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old
Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed
to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the strike on a beach somewhere
in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING?
Your MLB player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen
expenses.
YES, I WANT TO HELP!
I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked
below:

[ ] Infielder
[ ] Outfielder
[ ] Starting Pitcher
[ ] Ace Pitcher
[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team - $10 per minute) [ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day) Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the player for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture
of the player I have sponsored, along with an Alex Rodriguez 2001 Income
Statement and my very own Donald Fehr MLB Players Union pin to wear proudly
on my hat (include $80 for hat).
Your Name: _______________________
Telephone Number: _______________________
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] AmericanExpress [ ]Discover
Signature: _______________________
Alternate card (when the primary card exceeds its credit limit):
Account Number: _______________________
Exp.Date:_______
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ]Discover
Signature: _______________________

Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-F%*&-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

Disclaimer: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means
including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Contributions are not tax-deductible.

[CobraDan]

CEO: chief embezzlement officer.
CFO: corporate fraud officer.
NAV: normal Anderson valuation.
P/E: parole entitlement.
EPS: eventual prison sentence.
BULL MARKET: A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET: A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance,
the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
MOMENTUM INVESTING: The fine art of buying high a! nd selling low.
VALUE INVESTING: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER: What my broker has made me.
"BUY, BUY": A flight attendant making market recommendations as you
step off the plane.
STANDARD &POOR: Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST: Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally
between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER: A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
MARKET CORRECTION: The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the
toilet.
WINDOWS 2000: What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
YAHOO: What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR: Past year investor who's now locked up in a
nuthouse
PROFIT: Religious guy who talks to God

[bonyhadi]

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets. As a little girl, she'd
bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat.
Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.
Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, never sit on a public toilet seat."
And she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over
the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh
make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time, I'd have peed down my
leg and we'd go home.*


That was a long time ago. I've had lots of experience
with public toilets since then, but I'm still not particularly fond of public
toilets, especially those with powerful, red-eye sensors. Those toiletsknow
when you want them to flush. They are psychic toilets. But I always confuse
their psychic ability by following my mother's advice and assuming The Stance.


The Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one's bladder
is especially full. This is most likely to occur after watching a full-length
feature film. You know what I mean. You drink a two liter cup of Diet Coke,
then sit still through a three-hour saga because, for God's sake, even
if you didn't wipe or wash your hands in the bathroom, you'd still miss the
pivotal part of the movie or the second scene, in which they flash the
leading man's naked derriere.


So, you cross your legs and you hold it. And you hold it until thatfirst credit
rolls and you sprint to the bathroom, about ready to explode all* over
your internal organs. And at the bathroom, you find a line of women that
makes you think there's a half-price sale on Mel Gibson's underwear in there.
So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, also crossing their
legs and smiling politely.


And you finally get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors.
Every one is occupied. You hope no one is doing frivolous things behind those stall
doors, like blowing her nose or checking the contents of her wallet.


Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the woman
leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. You
hang your handbag on the door hook, yank down your pants and assume The Stance.
Relief. More relief.


Then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it,
so you hold* The Stance as your thighs experience a quake that would register an
eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off it, you reach
*for the toilet paper.* Might as well be ready when you are done. The toilet paper
dispenser is empty.* Your thighs shake more.* You remember the tiny napkin you
wiped your fingers on after eating buttered popcorn.* It would have to do. You
crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.


Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work and
your pocketbook whams you in the head. "Occupied!" you scream as you reach out for
the door, dropping your buttered popcorn napkin in a puddle and falling backward,
directly onto the toilet seat.


You get up quickly, but it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact
with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because YOU never laid
down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if you had enough time
to.* And your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because her* bare
bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, "You don't* know what
kind of diseases you could get."


And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a
fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such force
that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged
to China.


At that point, you give up. You're finished peeing. You're soaked by the
splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chiclet
wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.**
You can't figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic sensors, so you
wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women,
still waiting, cross-legged and unable to smile politely at this point. One kind
soul at the very end of the line points out that you are
trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River.
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman'ss hand and say
warmly, "Here. You might need this."


At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and exited his
bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you.
"What took you so long?" he asks annoyed. This is when you kick him
sharply in the shin and go home.















HANDY USES FOR A CONDOM

*Hair tie

*Slip 'er over a payphone to avoid "NASTY" germs

*Bathing cap (if you stretch it in the right manner)

*Neat travel case for your toothbrush

*Wet suit for a ferret

*Finger puppets

*Travel size shampoo and conditioner holders

*Rubber boot for a peg leg

*Latex toe warmers

*Stuff, and use to stop drafts under doors

*Fill with rocks and use to as a weapon in a crisis situation.

*Makeshift sandbags in the event of a flood

*To keep candles dry when camping

*Build your own incredible "Water Weenies" ...(my fav of them all)

*To quickly fill water pistols

*Bicycle tire tube

*Change purse

*Goodyear Blimp model

*For those long car trips that dad hates to stop for potty breaks

*Use it to store that urine sample next time you go to the doc for a checkup









Senior Citizen's pickup lines:


"What's a nice girl like you doing in a place
like...where exactly are we again?"

"Do you smell that? That's either love, or I used too
much ointment this morning."

"Yes, I'm 92... but I have the body of a 78-year-old."

"WHO'S your granddaddy?"

"Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire
pools. Your blue hair, too."

"Hey babe, looking for a good time? How's about
coming home with me and... Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z."

[bonyhadi]

THE POLISH INTELLIGENCE TEST

Study each question carefully, then choose the answer that
seems "most" correct (TRUE or FALSE) and mark an "X" (just like
you sign your name) on the appropriate line at the right.

1. A clitoris is a type of flower ____TRUE____FALSE

2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit ____TRUE____FALSE

3. "Spread Eagle" is an extinct bird ____TRUE____FALSE

4. Vagina - a medical term to describe heart
trouble.____TRUE____FALSE

5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels ____TRUE____FALSE

6. A G-string is a part of a violin ____TRUE____FALSE

7. Semen is another word for sailor ____TRUE____FALSE

8. Anus is the latin word for "yearly" ____TRUE____FALSE

9. Testicles are found on an octopus ____TRUE____FALSE

10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles ____TRUE____FALSE

11. Masturbate is used to catch a large fish ____TRUE____FALSE

12. Kotex is a radio station in Bryan, Tx ____TRUE____FALSE

13. Coitus is a musical instrument ____TRUE____FALSE

14. Fetus is a character on gunsmoke ____TRUE____FALSE

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute ____TRUE____FALSE

16. A condom is an apartment complex ____TRUE____FALSE

17. orgasm - accompanies the choir at church ____TRUE____FALSE

18. A diaphram is a drawing in geometry ____TRUE____FALSE

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle ____TRUE____FALSE

20. erection - when the Japanese vote for their new
government____TRUE____FALSE

21. A lesbian is a person from the middle east
____TRUE____FALSE

22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass
____TRUE____FALSE

23. Pornography is the business of making record albums
____TRUE____FALSE

24. Genitals are people of non-jewish faith ____TRUE____FALSE

25. Douch is the Italian word for "twelve" ____TRUE____FALSE

26. An enema is someone who is not your friend
____TRUE____FALSE

27. Ovaries are a french egg dish made with cheese
____TRUE____FALSE

28. Scrotum is a small planet near Venus ____TRUE____FALSE

29. "Cock" is a bird that crows in the morning
____TRUE____FALSE








An Italian woman married an Italian man. The Italian tradition for
newlyweds is to remain virgins
until they're married and then sleep at the girl's mother's house on
their wedding night.

After the wedding, the newlyweds went back to her mother's house. The
man went up stairs and
the woman stayed to talk to her mom. She said, "I don't want to go up
there."

Her mom said, "He's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll treat you well."

When she got upstairs, the man took off his shirt.

She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a hairy chest!"

Her mom said, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and he will
treat you well."

When she got upstairs, he took off his pants.

She ran back downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has hairy legs!"

Her mom said, "All good men have hairy legs. Go upstairs and he will
treat you well."

When she got upstairs he took off his socks. She noticed that half his
foot was missing. She ran
downstairs and said, "Mamma! Mamma! He has a foot and a half!"

Her mom said, "Stay here! This is a job for Mamma!"


















10 reasons a handgun is better than a woman
>

10. You can trade an old .44 for two new .22's.

9. You can have a handgun at home and another for the road.

8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will be
impressed
and let you try a few rounds with it.

7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you are out of ammo.

5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space and doesn't
require 200
pairs of shoes..

4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

3. A handgun won't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

2. A handgun does not mind if you go to sleep after you're done
using it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN:

1. You can buy a silencer for a handgun.

[bonyhadi]

There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked, "Who are you?"
Pat replied, "My name is Pat, I'm an Irishman, born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St. Patrick's Day,
marching' in
the St. Patrick's Day parade."
St. Peter said to Pat: "Yes, this is true! Here's a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and
here is
a harp that, when you push this button here, will play 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.' Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good
time
in heaven."


Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song
in his
heart.
He's having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around.
But on the third day, he's driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a
sudden, a
Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him.
And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial
music.
Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.


He says, "St. Peter, my name is Pat, I'm a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick's Day, died on St.
Patrick's
Day, marching' in the St. Patrick's Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny,
insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, 'When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.'
But,
there's a Jew over there.
He's got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music
and I,
Pat the Irishman, want to know why!"
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer.
Then he says: "Pat, shush! He's the Boss's Son!"
















A drunk comes home, stumbles into the kitchen and
prepares himself a cup of tea. He then proceeds to
carry it to the bedroom.

As he lies down next to his wife, holding the tea cup
he slurs: "Do lemons have little yellow feet?"

The wife looks at him: "No!"

"Damn!" he says, "then I squeezed the canary into my tea."


















Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out"?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the
toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being
would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both dogs!

Why ARE Trix only for kids?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?









Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not!
I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."







My stomach has been bothering me, Doctor," complained the patient.
"What have you been eating?" asked the doctor. "That's easy. I only eat
pool balls." "Pool balls?!" said the astonished doctor. "Maybe that's
the trouble. What kind do you eat?" "All kinds," replied the man, "Red
ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue ones for
afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner." "I see the problem,"
said the doctor. "You haven't been getting any greens!"












A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain
that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an
object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a IRS ID badge and
dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil
tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have
three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an
IRS auditor."

"What do you have to lose! ? You've got no transportation, and
it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie
is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and
drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with
rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's
going to be a string attached.

[bonyhadi]

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?

If you mated a bulldog and a ****su, would it be called a bull****?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries have a 'use by' date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to horrible
crisp no one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Why if it is 2 AM in Japan,,,and 2 PM in Paris....am I sleepy in Chicago ?












There was this guy in a mental hospital. All day long he had
his ear to the wall, listening. The Dr. Cohen would watch this
guy do this day after day.

The doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening
to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard
nothing.

He turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear
anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah doc, I know. It's been like that
for months."











Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We'd eat ***** every Thanksgiving!











Beer Truck : Take a beer and send the truck to all of your
friends!!!!

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\
| B u d w e i s e r | ||'""|""\__,
| _____________ l ||__|__|___| )
(@!)!(@)"""""**|(@) (@)****|(@)

16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you
don't care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at
the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.

Take a beer and send the truck to all of your friends!!!!




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he
could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and
that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next
five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went
with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was
with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes
and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did." They both shook their heads in
understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together
to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos
could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous
supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They
asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life
(and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one
thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn
income taxes!"









An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman
They are all playing golf with their wives
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and she bends over to place her
ball.

A gust of wind blows her skirt up ad reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake
of decency here's 5 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear.


Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no
knickers
- why not?" She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He
reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 2 pounds,
go and buy yourself some underwear!".


Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. Hoot lassie! Why d'ye
have no knickers? She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping
money to be able to afford any".

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency
here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"

[bonyhadi]

Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail:

1. Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).

2. I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.

3. Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting
to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets,
or my farm animals) if I just click there.

4. I can have my penis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just click here.

5. I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click here.

6. I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose
their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it
with a hundred horny dwarfs...

Just click here and here and purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the
same sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder.

8. But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills,
stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of
Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.

WHAT A COUNTRY........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

You let one rip in your sleep
and don't care if he hears.

Talking dirty in bed means
shouting obscenities when he
hogs the blanket.

Chivalry's as dead as the
door he lets slam in your face.

PMS lasts all month.

Your jumbo box of absorbent
maxi-pads is on open display.

"Honey, what are you thinking?"
is now, "Are you finished yet?!"

He yawns when you ***** about that
guy hitting on you at work.

Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties
have become way too uncomfortable.

Two weeks no orgasm.

Three weeks no orgasm ... and you
still don't miss it.

When he lends you five bucks, he
expects it back.

You'd rather spend quality time
with your vibrator.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OLD GEEZER TEST

1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?

a . On the floor shift knob

b. On the floor, left of the clutch

c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. What was it used for?

a. Capture lightning bugs.

b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing

c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?

a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce

b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled

c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance?

a. Blackjack

b. Gin

c. Craps

5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none was available due to rationing during W.W.II?

a. Suntan

b. Leg painting

c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going?

a. Studebaker

b. Nash Metro

c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid?

a. Strips of dried peanut butter

b. Chocolate-licorice bars

c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was Butch wax used?

a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up

b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing

c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before inline skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes?

a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key

b. Woven straps that crossed the foot

c. Long pieces of string or twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision?

a. Consider all the facts

b. Ask Mom

c. eny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex?

a. A cold

b. VD

c. Cooties

12. I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey"

a. SUV

b. Taxi

c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?

a. Old Blue

b. Paint

c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill?

a. Part of the game of hide and seek

b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores

c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show?

a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring

b. Princess Sacajeweac.

c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school?

a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you high.

b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window

c. Wrote another pupils' name on the top, to avoid failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases?

a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum

b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items

c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick on tattoos

18. Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?

a. Meatballs

b. Dames

c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the group who made the song Cabdriver a hit?

a. The Ink Spots

b. The Supremes

c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco?

a. Tony Bennett

b. Zavier Cugat

c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS

1. b) On the floor, left of the clutch. Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the 60s to catch on.

2. b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. c) Cold weather caused the milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle top.

4. a) Blackjack Gum.

5. b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil.

6. a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. c) Wax coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9. a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key, which you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10. c) Eeny-meeny-miney-mo.

11. c) Cooties.

12. b) Taxi. Better be ready by half-past eight!

13. c) Macaroni.

14. c) Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill.

15. a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring. She was another puppet.

16. a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get high.

17. b) Put in a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the Green Stamp store.

18. c) Ammunition, and we'll all be free.

19. a) The all male, all black group, The Inkspots.

20. a) Tony Bennett and he sounds just as good today.

SCORING

17 - 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with
mind bloat. Now if you could only find your glasses.

12 -16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

0 -11 correct: You are a sad excuse of a geezer
`````````````````````````````````````````````````` ````````````````````
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties
========================================
Driving to the work this morning I happened to look over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new bright red BMW
doing at least 85 MPH with her face pressed up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner would you believe! I looked away
for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup !!!

I dont mind saying, It scared the **** out of me so bad , I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In
all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone
away from my ear, which fell into the coffee mug between my legs, splashed all over the place and burned "Big Jim and the Twins",
ruined the damn phone and... DISCONNECTED A
VERY IMPORTANT CALL!!!

FRIGGIN WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
*************************************************

[bonyhadi]

Turn up your volume for these...

Granny Boobs Hang Low

Click here: http://www.debsfunpages.com/swf4/boobs_hang_low.swf


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

http://people.freenet.de/freeek/SajjadAli.swf
This link came to me with a note that said to turn the volume up
way loud because the site is pretty quiet. I will tell you right now,
this scared the **** out of me. It about knocked me out of my chair.
So, if you're game for a thrill, turn your volume up and click.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~`
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meet with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks
if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the
reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony, I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

Well, okay," says the man. "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?" "Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah
[good deed) within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?" "Sure!" says the rabbi. "Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?" "Yes, yes!" says the rabbi. "A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?" "NO, NO, NO!" cries the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Important Information for Women;

Discover the Benefits of Worshiping ...
And Adoring Your Man's Penis

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse
steaks but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the
treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular ****ing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain
cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard,"
triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover
earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.
================================================== ===========

Worth a chuckle!! Jew Crush'? Real-life Gidget Rides a New
Wave of Fame



FORWARD STAFF
With the opening this month of "Blue Crush" â€1 a Universal Studios film about women surfers â€1
countless reviewers have cried, "move over, Gidget!"
But the woman who inspired it all, the real Gidget, Kathy Kohner Zuckerman, is anything but ready to
throw in the towel. In fact, as the 61-year-old told the Forward at the start of her interview, "I'm ready to
rock and roll!"
Indeed, with women's surfing hotter than ever, Zuckerman has many reasons to rock. The 1957 book that
started it all, "Gidget," by Zuckerman's father, Frederick Kohner, is currently in its second printing since its
reissue in 2001. The 1965 ABC series "Gidget" â€1 which launched Sally Field's career â€1 is currently in
reruns on TV Land, garnering nearly 500,000 viewers five days a week.
"What's exciting for me is that there's interest in the character," Zuckerman said affably.
Still, when most people think "Gidget," they think sun, sand and virginity â€1 in other words, Sandra Dee,
who played the surfer girl in the 1959 movie. Most don't know that Gidget was based on a true story â€1
the story of a young Jewish girl who spent her tender teenage years learning how to "hang ten" and be
one of the boys.
Zuckerman was born in Los Angeles in 1941, the daughter of Czechoslovakian parents who had been living
in Berlin. Frederick Kohner, a screenwriter, and his wife, Fritzie, left Nazi Germany in 1936, first living in
London and later arriving in California, where Kohner wrote screenplays for the major Hollywood studios.
"I really had a great upbringing," Zuckerman recalled, noting that then-recent horrors in Europe did not
touch her life in sunny Southern California. "In retrospect, a lot of my parents' friends were of the same ilk
â€1 I wouldn't use the term refugees. They were in the movie business, my father's brother was in the
movie business, their friends were in the movie business."
Although the family celebrated Christmas and Easter, "I knew I was Jewish," she said.
In 1954, the family moved back to Berlin for two years. When Zuckerman returned to California at age 15,
she had trouble relating to her peers. "One of the reasons I ventured into the surfing world was that
people had this weird vision: 'Europe? Where's that?'" she said.
Plus, "I always grew up with the idea that the beach and the sun is good for you," Zuckerman said. "When
I came back from Germany, my mother thought I should not spend Saturday afternoons at the movie
theater with the girls, I should go to the beach."
It was there that Zuckerman found her home. She was enthralled by the surfing culture â€1 and the young
men with names such as Mysto, Steak and Moondoggie. "That's when I decided I was going to surf," she
said. "This is it, this is what I wanted to do. It consumed me. I kept a diary, and every day seemed about
the beach."
Soon Zuckerman was known at the beach as Gidget â€1 a combination of "girl" and "midget," thanks to
her petite frame â€1 and was recounting stories of her summertime adventures to her father. "I said I
wanted to write a story about what's going on at Malibu," she recalled. "He said, 'Why don't you tell me,
and I'll write the story for you.' He wrote a great story; he embellished it for a certain charm and dramatic
purpose. I was able to capture the language in my diary â€1 'today was *****en'' or 'the surf was up' â€1
but he created a story."
Kohner wrote "Gidget" in six weeks. It became a best-seller. "Gidget" the movie spawned countless sequels
and imitators ("Gidget Must Die: A Killer Surf Novel," a not atypical title) as surfing became a national
phenomenon.
By that time, however, Zuckerman had stopped riding the waves. "The summer of 1960 was the last time I
went surfing," she said. "It was a combination of reasons. Malibu got very crowded. The fellas I had spent
time with had moved on â€1 some to military service. Perhaps it was a rite of passage for me in my years
of angst, 15 to 18, when I was becoming a woman. I was able to slide â€1 no pun intended â€1 through
the years of passage to adulthood."
In 1965, Zuckerman married Marvin Zuckerman, a professor of Yiddish and now retired dean of Los
Angeles Valley College. "With my husband I learned Yiddish culture, a whole area of Yiddishkeyt, Jewish
things that I was not aware of." The couple has two grown sons and two granddaughters.
Today, Zuckerman works at Duke's, a Malibu restaurant named after the "father of surfing," the Hawaiian
legend Duke Kahanamoku. She is an honorary member of the Malibu Surfing Association (as well as a
dues-paying member of Kehillat Israel, a Reconstructionist synagogue in Pacific Palisades) and has been
honored in countless surfing magazines.
"I hate to think of myself as a legend," Zuckerman said, adding, "Now I'm grandma Gidget. Cowabunga!"
_______________________

[bonyhadi]

THE CARE AND THRASHING
OF SMALL CHILDREN
by
Lieut. Col. A.R.S. Thistleton-Twistleton ffoulkes-Belcher
VD, GPI, AA & Bar, DT, RIP
Visiting Lecturer in Corporal Punishment,
Cynthia Payne Business School, East Cheam

LEARNED INTRODUCTION: CONTRA PANSY ATTITUDES

It used to be universally recognized that all children should be savagely beaten on a regular basis. Sadly, we live in decayed times and
are much afflicted with the Curse of Political Correctness. This Socialistic nonsense holds that children are in fact "people," with "human
rights," and that the arrant nonsense they habitually babble should be listened to and taken
seriously. Furthermore, the Childhood Commissars of our so-called Caring Society hold that any
adult exercising his natural propensity to flay the living daylights out of his squalling brats is
guilty of something called Child Abuse.

Balderdash! Children are beasts, and in common with the rest of Brute Creation (including wives
and the working-classes, but excluding dogs and horses) the only sensible way to deal with their
irritating existence is via The Lash. This is something that every true Englishman instinctively
knows. Pretending otherwise is akin to that fashionable degeneracy which leads some of us to
refer to the Frogs and Huns as "our European partners." Such moral spinelessness veers
dangerously close to homosexuality in my view, and we can do without our offspring learning
that from us. Why otherwise do we spend good drinking-money on fees to send them to Public
School?

WHAT CHILDREN ARE FOR

Here indeed is the crux of the matter. Before the start of their formal education, children are
not much good for anything. Nor indeed are they a great deal of good for anything during their
time at school, at Varsity (if one is very unlucky), or in the Young Offenders' Institution, but at
least they are Not In One's Hair. Given that one cannot, in this Vile Age, expose them on the
mountainside, sell them into slavery, or pack them off as boarders much before the age of five,
one had better find something to do with them. This should (a) ensure that they are Neither
Seen Nor Heard (the better-known variation on this maxim is yet another lamentable example
of modern-day Namby-Pambyism), and (b) prepare them for the Reality of Life once one can
decently dispatch them to Prep School and forget about them until the summonses or the debt-collectors start to arrive.

The answer to (a) is of course a Governess. To (b) it is Thrashing. It might be argued at this point that one could resolve the matter
most satisfactorily by appointing a Thrashing Governess, but this would be to miss the main point, viz that thrashing is both a Paternal
Duty and Fun! By taking responsibility for the physical chastisement of your own offspring, you are demonstrating your affiliation to
Family Values, and also gaining a deal of satisfaction from what otherwise would be a thankless and unrewarding situation.

For the truth is that your son will never repay his debt to you for begetting him, far less that for paying his wine-merchant's bills or
procuring the relevant surgical procedures, until he be safely ensconced in the City, whereupon you may start sending him your
bookmaker's letters and claims from the Child Support Agency. Your daughter will never, alas, be of any use, unless she marries
someone considerably wealthier than your wealthiest creditor, who also happens to be susceptible to blackmail or card-tricks.

THE WHYS AND WHEREFORES OF THRASHING

It is important to retain the element of surprise. A child has no need to know why it is being beaten, only that it is being beaten. This
keeps the infant in a suitable state of uncertainty, which will tend to reduce its willingness to misbehave, speak, or even breathe in your
presence. It may even hide under items of furniture at your approach, a cheerful eventuality that could save you several hundred
pounds a year in governess' wages. However, there is something to be said, on a character-forming level, for hunting down concealed
children and thrashing them for running away, shouting something like "I will make you wish that you had never been born." This will
certainly be of use to them in their school years, and they will come to thank and respect you for it.

In happier times, when The Rod was Not Spared, and the Child Not Spoilt, certain headmasters used to preface the administration of
Six of the Best with the phrase "This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you." Poppycock. The sole purpose of the flogging of
children is to cause them pain, and the infliction thereof is a pleasure utterly different from that of the reception. Being beaten
regularly can, however, form the basis of a Lifelong Interest and Rewarding Hobby, to which a fellow may return often, as indeed I do
to this day in the company of my manservant, Proops.

PARAPHENALIA

The correct implements for inflicting corporal punishment are as important to a chap as the correct guns for bagging grouse, the correct
rod for trout, or the correct horsewhip. In the last-named case there is potential for joint usage, although I personally would counsel
against keeping the same whip for one's horses as for one's children: one never knows what diseases the little brutes are carrying.
Some more educationally minded fathers prefer the traditional cane: these can be had for very little cost in a variety of thickness from
the local Garden Centre. Walking-sticks are highly effective, although visible bruising tends these days to excite the interest of a
variety of do-gooders and other ne'er-do-wells, and one should always remember that thrashing is not Rugby Football or Riding To
Hounds: the aim is to inflict flesh-wounds rather than compound fractures.

I have a particular affection for the Tawse, a miniature leather cat-o'-nine-tails much beloved of Caledonian schoolmasters until it was
taken away from them by the unwashed Anarchists who now dictate public policy in that benighted Northern Land. The Cat itself will
doubtless appeal to Naval types, but I feel I should relate in warning the tale of an acquaintance of mine, a Rear-Admiral so wedded to
maritime tradition that after flogging his children he attempted to keelhaul them from a rowing-boat on the Round Pond on Hampstead
Heath. He ended his days in a lunatic asylum.

A safe standby is one's own trusty belt, so long as it be made of stout leather, and so long as one's trousers may be secured during
the flogging procedure, since there are few things more irksome than trying to pursue a fleeing juvenile miscreant whilst impeded by
one's own nether garments. Belts come in a satisfying variety of thickness and weights. Proops informs me that certain "fetish" shops
can supply large studded ones for special occasions. Distressed gentlefolk should be aware that a plank of wood with a nail through it is
perfectly acceptable as a thrashing implement, so long as the timber be British and the nail not rusty.

[bonyhadi]

We're Attacking Iraq,
Please Don't Tell!
Commentary by Ron Charles for
The Christian Science Monitor

From: Director of CIA

To: All Secret Agents (you know who you are)

Re: Secret War Plans (shhhhhh!)

The President (code name: George W.) is increasingly alarmed about leaks concerning our plans to attack a certain country in the Middle East (rhymes with "I pack").

Despite our best efforts – including wide distribution of Cap'n Crunch Decoder Rings – rumors of our intentions to change the regime of S.H. (use the ring, use
the ring!) continue to appear in the press.

(Plans to topple the NYT will be discussed in our next midnight meeting at the Big Oak Tree. George W. to bring s'mores.)

What's more troubling, I saw on CNN (Cable [something?] Network) that members of Congress are openly debating our war plans. We cannot and will not tolerate
these threats to democracy. Effective immediately – or when the little hand reaches the 9 – all agents should institute the following top-secret precautions:

1) Remove "We're Comin' to Get YOU, Saddam!" bumper stickers from all undercover automobiles and trucks.

2) When making obscene phone calls to the Iraqi Royal Palace, put a cloth over the mouthpiece to disguise your voice.

3) Discreetly float decoy stories about U.S. plans to attack France to confuse the enemy. (IMPORTANT: Do not actually attack France without prior approval!)

4) Agents who pose as Middle East experts should remove their CIA pocket protectors when appearing on Sunday morning TV shows. (And when sending
thank-you notes to the interviewer, sign your name in invisible ink.)

By following these simple precautions, we can significantly reduce the level of preattack transparency and preserve the all-important element of surprise.

Signed,

XXX

(Agents who do not receive a hard copy of this memo can read it on the FOX News Network at 8 p.m. and 11 p.m.)










HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
>
> A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign
> out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 10 MILES
>
> He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
> second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
> 5 MILES
>
> Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he
drives
> past a third sign saying:
>
> SISTERS OF ST, FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
>
> His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far
> side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next
to
> the door reading:
>
> SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
>
> He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a
> long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
>
> He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in
> possibly doing business."
>
> "Very well, my son. Please follow me."
>
> He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
>
> The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this
> door."
>
> He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long
> habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in thecup,
> then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
>
> He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He
> trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut
> behind him.
>
> As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot,
> facing another small sign:
>
> GO IN PEACE YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
>







Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother
cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,
"Because
people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall
not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny
responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
_____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!"

cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
_____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise
not to believe everything he says happens at home.

[bonyhadi]

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother
cooked.
____________________________________________
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
"They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
____________________________________________
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Annie replied,
"Because
people are sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
_____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall
not kill."
_____________________________________________
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny
responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
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A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I? " Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!"

cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
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A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I'll promise
not to believe everything he says happens at home.

[CobraDan]

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.
His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today.
What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said,
"The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[CobraDan]

Good:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting
many. Then he discovered the problem - a 10 year old boy was standing up the
road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket full of change. (And to think all we did was sell lemonade.)

BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute,
he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with
another mailed photo of Handcuffs.

BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway
Patrolmen's Ball," He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There
was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back on his
motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

[CobraDan]

1. Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman as opposed to a
regular one?
(You have to hollow out the head.)

2. Why won't they hire blondes as pharmacists?
(They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.)

3. Hear about the blonde that got an AM RADIO?
(It took her a month to realize she could play it in the afternoon.)

4. What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
(They drowned during Spring Training.)

5. Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
(To see what was on the other side.)

6. How did the blonde die drinking milk?
(The cow stepped on her.)

7. How did the blonde burn her nose?
(Bobbing for French fries.)

8. Why do blondes have more fun?
(They're easier to amuse.)

9. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
(Frosted flakes.)

10. Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
(They keep breaking them with their hammers.)

11. Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
(She missed.)

12. What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde's ear?
(Data transfer.)

13. Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
(Because she read that one child out of every four born was Chinese.)

14. Why did the blonde put make-up on her forehead?
(She wanted everyone to know that she was able to make up her mind.)

15. Why did the blonde ask her friends to save their burned-out light bulbs?
(She needed them for the darkroom she was building.)

16. Why are Asians so smart?
(No blondes.)

[CobraDan]

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said,"It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked. The front of the
church fills first."
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And you
told me a little more beat to the music would bring young
people back to church, so I supported you when you brought
in that rock 'n roll gospel choir, and we are packed to the
balcony."
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth."
"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional."
"But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions
have nearly doubled since I began that!"
"I know son," replied the old man. "But that flashing neon
sign, "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell", can't stay on the church roof!"

[Gordon Claunch]

A PLEA FOR HELP!-- Since September 11, 2001, Americans have come together as never before in our generation. We have banded together to overcome tremendous adversity.

We have weathered direct attacks on our own soil, wars overseas, corporate scandal, layoffs, unemployment, stock price plunges, droughts, fires, and a myriad of economic and physical disasters both great and small. But now, we must come together once again to overcome what may be our greatest challenge yet

Hundreds of Major League Baseball players in our very own nation are living at, just below, or in most cases far above the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the upcoming strike situation. But, you can help!

For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help a MLB player remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help.

Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a baseball player it could mean the difference between spending the strike golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing more than a month's rent, half a mortgage payment, two unemployment checks, or a month of medical insurance with COBRA, but to a baseball player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary.

Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexis for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.

YES, I WANT TO HELP!

I would like to sponsor a striking MLB player. My preference is checked below:

[ ] Infielder [ ] Outfielder [ ] Starting Pitcher [ ] Ace Pitcher

[ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team ! ($10 per minute)

[ ] Alex Rodriguez (Higher cost: $60,000 per day) Mail completed form to MLB Players Union or call 1-900-PORK-THE-FANS now to enroll by phone ($10 per minute).

[CobraDan]

Levine having gone to his secretary's apartment for some hot over-time, was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning.
"My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran out to the nearest pay phone and called his wife excitedly.
"Honey, thank God !" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"