Joke of the Day...

[Ikestaa]

I am nominating CobraEd for Worse Joke Ever!

[CobraDan]

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

[Jamo]

Excuse me CobraDan, if that was a pole--I scored 100%. What do I win?

[CobraDan]

Jamo,

No pole but your pushing it being born in 1953. I won the pole a long time ago being born in 1939.
Dan

[Jamo]

[mr0077]

A jogger was jogging down the beach when he came upon a beautiful young woman, who didn't have any arms or legs. The woman was laying on a blanket on the beach and sobbing quietly. The jogger stopped and gently asked her what was wrong
"I'm 21 years old, I don't have any arms or legs and I've never been kissed!", she replied. The jogger said not to worry, kissed her and continued on his way.
A short while later another jogger came running down the beach, and when he passed the woman, she was crying, with tears streaming down her face. He stopped and asked what was wrong.
"I'm 21 years old, I don't have any arms or legs and I've never had my breasts fondled!", she replied. The jogger happily said hey, no problem, took care of her concern then continued down the beach.
A little while later, a third jogger came jogging down the beach, and noticed the woman was wailing, sobbing and shreiking loudly. He stopped and asked her what was the matter.
"I'm 21 years old, I don't have any arms or legs, and I've never been screwed!", she said. So, the third jogger picked her up, swung her around and tossed her into the surf, saying "Now you're REALLY screwed!"

[Rick Young]

There was a woman who had car trouble and was looking under the hood to try to identify the problem when a passing male motorist stopped and ask what the problem was. Upon being told, the man took advantage of the situation and pulled the hood down so that the woman couldn't get out, lifted up her dress and had his way with her, then left her in that situation. Later a policeman came upon the sceen, rescued the woman and took her statement. She told him what had happened, that she couldn't see the person but that it had to be a man from either Montana or Texas that attacked her. The polieceman asked how she knew this if she couldn't see the attacker. She said it was because he had a big buckle and a little 'tool'.

Not too good, huh.

How about the little boy who every time he saw a cowboy would say "you funny looking bowl legged bastard". This would embarras his folks to no end and they tried several approached to curb the little tykes reaction to the cowboys. Nothing seemed to work, and the sayings continued. Finally one day after a trying sutuation the parents took him home and sat him down with a book af Shakespear. Later thet evening they thought of testing the cure and went to their favorite hangout. Sure enough there was a cowboy that walked in about in the middle of dinner. Seeing this the boy stood up in his chair, turned to the cowboy and said "foresooth, what manner of men are these, who wear their balls in parentheses".

Not yet.

A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender to line up ten shots of straight scotch. Doing so the bartender asked what sort of occation warrented this kind of reward. The man replied "my first blow job". The bartender said that it was indeed a monumental occation and that he would buy the guy another one himself. The patron responded, "don't bother, if ten drinks don't get this taste out of my mouth, one more won't help.

last chance.

Three traveling salesmen were stranded on an old country road and were forced to seek shelter at a nearby farm house. Seeing that the situation prevented the men from continuing their journey until morning the farmer agreed to put the men up for the night. As it worked out the farmer had three daughters and one of the salesmen was to share the sleeping quarters of each. After supper, as they went to bed, the farmer cautioned the salesmen to refrain from "messing around with his daughters" during the night. The next morning the farmer met the salesmen at the foot of the stairs as they came down from his daughter's bedrooms. He asked the first salesman if he had had sex with his daughter, the first salesman admitted that he had. The farmer asked what it was that he sold and the salesman replied, "scissors", to which the farmer said, "well I guess we'll just have to snip if off for disobeying my request". The second salesman came down and faced the same question, and answered the same. When asked what he sold he replied "hatchets". The famer said, "I guess we'll have to hack it off". The third salesman came down and was also faced with the question of sex and again replied that he couldn't help himself, he had had sex with the daughter. The farmer asked him what he sold and he said, "lollypops, now you can suck it off".

[CobraDan]

Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:
At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler.
They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize.
If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady.
Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like violence and filth on TV or in movies.
Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about their grandchildren.
It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by politicians or lawyers, but by the young men and women
in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them now more than ever. Thank God for Old Geezers!

[RACER X #99]

Dan,
Another thing about old geezers.

When you see an old geezer Driving a Cobra never assume he is out driving his son's or grandson's car.

Lot's of young punks get the butts kicked by the old geezers.
(on the track that is)

Soon to be old geezer,
Cranky

[CobraDan]

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the
cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there are
several cabs and I was in the wrong one.
************************************
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
said."Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
**************************************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes
later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
"massive internal fart."
*************************************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned
and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing
there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard
to finish the exam.
****************************************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his Cardiologist, he
informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The
doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see;
the man had over fifty patches on his Body. Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applyingv a new one. And you always wondered
why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!
*****************************************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why,
not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive."
*****************************************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your breakfast
this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to
see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
*****************************************
And of course, the best is saved for last: A lady walked into a pharmacy and
spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he
answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get
it over the counter?" she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered

[mr0077]

A cowboy was sitting at a crowded restaurant bar waiting for a table, and a woman sat down on the empty stool beside him. after a few moments, she asked him what he did. He said, "Well, m'am, I'm a cowboy. I was born on a ranch and I've been there ever since. I've been working with cattle as long as I can remember. I ride horses and work cattle, I herd 'em, I feed 'em, I do everything cowboys do...I guess that makes me a cowboy".
The woman said, rather proudly, "Well, I'm a lesbian. When I wake up in the morning, I'm thinking about having sex with women; all during the day, I'm thinking about having sex with women. I have sex with women as often as I can, and the last thing I'm thinking about when I go to sleep at night is having sex with women...I guess that makes me a lesbian.
About that time they called her name for a table, and she said goodby and left.
Soon after, a couple sat next to him, and the woman turned to him, looked at his cowboy clothes, and said, "Are you a cowboy?", to which he replied, "Well, m'am, up until about five minutes ago I had always thought I was, but now, I believe I may be a lesbian!"

[CobraDan]

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer."
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[mr0077]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheets, rolls over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

[mr0077]

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman to his left says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[CobraDan]

On a TWA flight headed from NYC to Dallas, three strangers meet and start
conversing about recent worldly events.
The strangers were of varying cultures. One was an American Indian, another
was a West Texas cowboy, and the third was a devout
Iraqi Muslim. During their conversation, they began to discuss their
cultural history.
The Ogalala Sioux stated, "Once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim spoke up and said, "Once my people were few, and now we are
many."
The Texan looked at the Muslim, and with a wink and a sly grin said, "That's
'cause we ain't never played cowboys and Muslims before, but we're fixin to!

[daveCarlberg57]

The teacher walks into the classroom.

" Hello class, today we are going to spell some words, and use them in a sentence !"

the teacher says to Alfalfa - Your word is "wooden" So Alfalfa spells the word and uses it in a sentence " My uncle has a wooden leg."

Darla, your word is chaulkboard, Darla spells the word and uses it in a sentence " The teacher was writing words on the chaulkboard for us to see."

OK Buckweat the teacher said, your word is dictate, Buckwheat struggles, but spells the word and he uses it in a sentence - he says " HEY DARLA, HOW'D MY DICTATE ?

get it ?

[ERA535]

So this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "why the long face?.


Happy New Year all!

[Ikestaa]

Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we got a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies, "You got a drink named Earl?"

[Dave Samson]

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking
about the amount of control they had over their wives, while the
third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and said,
"Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife
came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

[ERA535]

A nice looking woman goes into a bar and tells the bartender she wants 7 martinis. Bartender sets the first one up and she says - " no, I want them all at once". He sets up the seven martinis - she drinks them all down, sits there for about 20 minutes and then falls off the barstool on her back. There are four or five guys in the bar and they all look at her lying there with her skirt up and all....pretty soon they all screw her. A few hours later she comes to and staggers out.

Next night the same exact story.

Next night the same story except there are a whole lot of guys in the bar because the word is out. Thirty guys all screw her.

Next night she comes back in and the bartender is really happy to see her because business has never been so good. So he says to her eagerly " Seven martinis?"

She answers - "no, they make my ***** sore".

An oldie, I know