Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
==================================
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
============================================
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his
grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His
grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all
the time...and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers
off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you
have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are
lucky to have it once a year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you
and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to
bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw
You too!'
==================
One day, down by Alligator creek, two of the young boys on the way home from the Catholic grade school, stopped to play in the creek, hoping to catch a frog or
maybe a turtle. One of the boys stopped behind a bush and when he remained there for several minutes the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was
standing there almost motionless for so long..
So he went over behind the bush and saw his friend staring at a naked woman sun bathing on her very secluded deck.
Filled with curiosity, they both were looking at the naked woman when all of a sudden, one of the boys took off
running like hell for home. The other boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend.
Finally, he caught up to him and asked, "Wow, that was interesting, did you see those boobs ? , Why did you run
away?" The other boy replied, "Well, Sister Mary Frances at school, told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn
to stone, and I sure as hell felt something getting hard, so I ran.
==================
There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly
a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them a wish.
The first blond asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned
into a brown haired woman and swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous
one, so instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The
black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the
previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks
across the bridge.
=======================
Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants to experience a threesome
with my sister and me.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He can-
not get enough of you, so he goes for the next best
thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this
can bring all of the family together. Why not get some
cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then
let him be with your relatives, buy him a nice,
expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention
this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral
sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories per spoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your
figure, and gives a great glow to your skin.
Interestingly, men know this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely
painful for a man. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present,
and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be
encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove
his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a
night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back
to you is a relief for him. Just look at how emotional
and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
The best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive
present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this
aspect of his behavior.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you
must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the
family budget you may wish to videotape yourself while
doing this, and sell it. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your
man a nice, expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is
that you do not love your man as much as you should-he
has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all
wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying him
a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by
militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family
unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by
buying a nice, expensive present, and don't forget to cook
him a delicious meal.
======================
*** A Hillbilly translates computer terms...BAR CODE- The fightin' rules down at the local tavern.

CACHE- What you need when you run out of food stamps.

CHIPS- Pasture muffins you try NOT to step in.

DISKETTE- Female disco dancer.

HACKER- Uncle LeRoy after 32 years of smokin'.

HARDCOPY- Picture looked at when pickin' out a tattoo.

INTERNET- Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

KEYBOARD- Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

MEGAHERTZ- How your head feels after too many beers.

MODEM- What you did when the weeds got too tall.

NETWORK- Scoopin' up a big fish before it breaks the line.

ONLINE- Where to stay when takin' a sobriety test.

ROM- Where the Pope lives.

SERIAL PORT- A red wine you drink for breakfast.

SUPERCONDUCTOR- AmTrak's employee of the year.

[bonyhadi]

Most strange is surely marriage between a human being and an animal
(which history has recorded) or between a human being and a tree!
Tree marriages were prevalent in various parts of India.
Among the Brahmans of southern India it was the custom
that a younger brother should not marry before an older one.
To satisfy the requirement, when there is no bride in sight for a senior brother,
he is ceremoniously married to a tree (or to the spirit inside the tree)
to allow the younger brother to take a wife. In some instances tree marriages occur
at the same time as the marriage of the couple, the idea being that evil influence
which may attach to the married pair be diverted to the tree.
=============
Spending some quality time with the purple-headed custard chucker

And a kazillion more Masturbation terms found at WWW (world wide wank)
http://www.worldwidewank.com/synonyms.html
===================================
About five men in eight said they would rather give up sex for 6 months than go without TV
According the FBI, 19% of all couples turn on the television after sex
34% of couples turn on the television during sex
16% of all partners wish they were with someone else
When it comes to sex, 55% of lovers argue about when to stop
===========================================

Research Holds Hope for Genitally Challenged Men
Thu Sep 12, 9:38 AM ET LONDON (Reuters)
Scientists in the United States have succeeded in growing major parts
of penises in the laboratory. The test tube penile parts were successfully used to
rebuild the members of rabbits who after rest and recuperation
put them to the use that rabbits are famous for.
"They were able to copulate, penetrate and produce sperm,"
He said the researchers were now trying to grow entire penises in the test tube.
But he also said the technique was at an early stage and that it would be a
while before the technique was tried with human tissue. The scientists had only been
successful in growing the erectile tissues of rabbit penisesm not the entire organ,
and in all cases the erect member had the reduced firmness

of a 60-year-old against that of a more virile 30-year-old.
=============================

Rose arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to
take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.

She did so and completely duffed the shot.

The pro said "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too
hard. Grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis.".

Rose took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards
straight down the fairway.

The pro said "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this
time take the club out of your mouth."

====================================
Don't believe everything that you see.
Most of it is done with smoke and mirrors and push-up bras!
===============
Grandma went into Victoria's Secret and wanted to buy some fancy new
panties.
The sales lady talked her into buying some real nice bright red
crotchless panties. Grandma put them on and waited for grandpa to come
home. When grandpa came home, grandma was all laid out upon the bed and
pointed down to the new crotchless panties she had on.
She said, "Come on grandpa, you want some of this?"
Grandpa said, "Lord no, it done ate a hole in your panties..."
=================
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school.

In order to assist you in connecting the right staff member, please
listen to all your options before making a selection:

To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1

To make excuses for why your child did not do his work - Press 2

To complain about what we do - Press 3

To cuss out staff members - Press 4

To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your
newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5

If you want us to raise your child - Press 6

If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7

To request another teacher for the third time this year - Press 8

To complain about bus transportation - Press 9

To complain about school lunches - Press 0
===========================
What do you call a dwarf prostitute?
A little ****er about this high.

What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their
wedding night?
A last name.
========================
DEFINITIONS

ADULTERY - The wrong people doing the right thing.

ALIMONY - The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete lack
of responsibility at the other end.

CHIVALRY - A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but
himself.

CONSCIENCE - That which hurts when everything else feels so good.

CONSTIPATION - To have and to hold.

DANCE - A Naval engagement without the loss of seamen.

DECOY - A flashlight in the pants pocket.

DIARY - Book of revelations.

DOCTOR - A lucky fellow who is privileged to undress women and go all
over them without getting his face slapped.

ENEMA - A goose with a gush.

EXPLORATION - Beating around the bush.

FATHER'S DAY - Nine months before labor day.

GENTLEMAN - One who is always careful to rest at least half his weight
on his elbows.

HORSE SHOW - A lot of horses showing their asses to a lotCRETARY -
A stenographer who watches her periods.

SIN - Anything the other fellow enjoys and you don't.
=====================
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some
people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk.
The man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real
shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the
critics were right so they decided that they both should ride.
They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the
critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and it fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is...if you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
============================
Vibrators vs men!!!
A vibrator doesn't have an orgasm first and then just stop "vibrating."
Vibrators are never too busy watching the game on tv Batteries are cheaper than pick up trucks!!
When we're done with them we can stuff them back in the drawer and not hear from them until we're ready. It's
happy to keep going until we're satisfied.
We can get a bigger one or one that has better options whenever we want without being called a slut.
Position is your choice, not his.
It always is hard.
It doesn't leave a mess behind.
You don't have to wear an ill fitting teddy to excite it.
It doesn't care that you gained 10 lbs.
It doesn't fall asleep and snore in your ear afterwards. You don't have to clean up the apartment before bringing it
home.
Vibrators are better then men because ...
They don't get tired after the first time
They never poke you in the back in the morning to see if you are in the mood.
Vibrators are better then men because in the morning you don't have to fix it breakfast.
Safe sex without a rubber
A couple batteries and you don't have to put up with the ****, just turn it off when you get done with it !
As long as you have a new pack of energizers the vibrator can keep going and going and going!(while you keep
coming and coming!)
Vibrators are portable so you can do it anytime, anywhere you want!!
They don't burp, fart, belch or fall asleep on you.
You don't have to dress up for your vibrator.
You can show it off to your friends.
They never wake up at 4 a.m. asking for another one
It doesn't leave a wet spot.
It can be stashed away in a drawer.
It doesn't have a mother!!
It doesn't require "a little lip action" to get hard.
You know exactly where it's been.
Vibrators don't care if you get crumbs in the bed.
They never come before you do.
================

[bonyhadi]

Miserable Dick
When the guy is extremely handsome
He says the right things and does the right things
When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department
He sucks your tits too hard
Kisses your mouth too long
Stays around your neck forever
Fingers you like a GYN Doctor
Licks your ***** like he's in a track meet
And has a very small dick
You try to give him head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier

Tolerable Dick
This is a funny dick
He eats major *****
He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak
It was good enough to make you shed a tear
Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!!
His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic
You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last
big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick
The man will say, that we just have big pussies from having
too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him
Only for them to forget that the ***** is a muscle that
accommodates the size of the penis

Internet Dick
Well, how would we define this type of dick?
You see, online they talk a damn good game,
but you never know what to expect in person
Then you meet and you **** and the dick is trash

Pissed Off Dick
The guy you're sleeping with punishes your *****.
If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your *****".
If he has a bad meal, "he punishes your *****".
If he is pissed off at you, he punishes your *****."
No matter what, he "punishes your *****".
It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category.
He always uses phrases like these when he is ****ing you ~
"DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?",
"WHO'S ***** IS THIS?", "I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' **** NOW",
"YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS ***** DON'T YA?".

Guilty Dick
The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
confess to your man you ****ed someone else.
The guilty dick made you want to tell somebody.
Guilty dick is in a class of its own.
Guilty dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms.
Makes you cry and you have no clue to why.
This dick is so intense, when it is being administered it sends you into a trance.
He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you, asks you if your comfortable about six times,
you started at 6PM and it is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet.
The lips on your ***** are so swollen that if you got
outta bed they would be draggin' the ground.
It hurt so good. He licks on your ***** as if he was
a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main course meal.
He smells it like fine wine.
By now you're in shock and forget about your man.
He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform like guilty dick.
You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct him to do what guilty dick did to you.

Pleasurable Dick
This is good convenient dick.
Easy dick.
Dick you can call when your body needs a fix.
He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK, and ****s you like GUILTY DICK.
Only thing is, you do not have a man so you're not feeling guilty.
Whenever you call, this dick is ready.
His dick craves your *****.
This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GawdDamn Dick
Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you to hell if you're not married to it.
His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has the circumference of a half dollar.
This dick makes you numb, cry and pray all at the same time.
While he is getting it doggy style, you look towards the heavens and say,
"GAWDDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

Commitment Dick
This is the gold mine dick.
This dick is the dick that you commit yourself too.
You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept secret.
In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it.
When you get this dick, you go through convulsions.
This is the dick that makes you everready.
You call in sick from work for it.
This is the dick that you want to put insurance on,
just in case anything should happen to it.
This dick makes you stutter while speaking and has you nervous for no reason.
You lay back afterwards thinking
"THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA,

GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY ... ANYBODY! DICK"
=================================

[bonyhadi]

Shortly after President Bush took office, an old man approached the White

House from the park across Pennsylvania Ave where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U. S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would
like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here. " The old man said, "Okay," and walked
away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President
Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to
Mr. Clinton; I've told you already that Mr. Clinton is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir!"



============================

"Men are simple things.
They can survive a whole weekend with
only three things:
beer, boxer shorts
and batteries for the remote control.."

==================================================
The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman -
both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage,
but the wedding night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfil me sexual expectations,"
the bride commented the following morning.
You're right about that." replied the new husband.
"But when I promised to fill the void in your life,
I simply had no idea that it would be so blooming large!"
=======================================
Guy goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him "I'm afraid
that I've got good news and bad news for you."

"Tell me the good news first, doc." the man says.

"Your cock is going to get two inches longer and a whole
inch wider." the doctor states.

"That's fantastic, doc. What's the bad news."

The doctor looks at him and says "It's malignant."
==================================
After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein
came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come
home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until
he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see
a therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face.
"He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put
on
some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that
her monster of a husband was still not in the mood. As a final piece of
advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that
first
sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so
much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come
outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our
backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the
therapist.

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."
===========================
Jake has never had sex, and gets into bed on his wedding night. His new wife gets naked, sits on the bed, and says,
"Do you know what I want?"

He says, "No."

She gets in bed, spreads her legs wide, and says, "Now do you know what I want?"

He says, "Yeah, you want the whole bed to yourself!"
============================
A farmer was out one day with his three ducks taking them for a walk.
He stopped along the way to buy some groceries and asked the
shopkeeper to keep an eye on them whilst he looked around the shop.

The shopkeeper looked at the ducks and said to the first duck, "What's
your name and how was your day." The duck replied, "My names Huey and
I have had a wonderful day, been in and out of puddles all day, a
terrific day."

The shopkeeper asked the second duck the same question and the duck
replied, "My name is Duey, and I've had the best day ever, I've been
in and out of puddles, just a wonderful day."

The shopkeeper looked at the third duck and said, " let me guess, your
name is Louie and you've had a wonderful day as well."

The duck replied, "No!......my name is Puddles and I've had a ****ed
day."
==============================================
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees
another guy with no scuba gear. He goes
down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with
him.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes,
"How the hell can you stay down this deep without
equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes,
"You asshole, I'm drowning!"
=============================
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and
moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this
several times. One day, he came home from school and heard
her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man
on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw
himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning,
"I need a bike! I need a bike!"
==============================
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking
about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill
like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner
because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked,
"Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in
the wrong box."
============================================
Dump A Man Form ( for the ladies)
========================
Dear _______________,
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly
tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening
come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)

1. ___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
2. ___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
3. ___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
4. ___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.
5. ___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
6. ___Your constant emailing, shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!
7. ___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
8. ___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
9. ___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
10. ___You have a hairy back.
11. ___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
12. ___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
13. ___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
14. ___You still live with your parents.
15. ___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
16. ___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
17. ___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
18. ___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.
19. ___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely, _________________________________
===============================================

[bonyhadi]

How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged
farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your
leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first
started working on the farm, that night, right
after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful
daughter came into my room. She asked me if there
was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine.

'Are you sure?' she asked.

'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't there anything I can
do for you?' she wanted to know.

'I reckon not' I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this
story have to do with your leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained,
"when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell
off the roof!"
-----============================--------------
Dear Tony,

I have been unable to sleep since I decided to break off your engagement
to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive
about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that
motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have
reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure,
too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.

Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to
Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything
about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was
wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses, and you have my full
blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely, Your future father-in-law

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
==================================

The Top 15 Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tips


15> This fall, dress up that plain old orange jumpsuit with
a do-rag dyed with some ink you boosted from the license
plate shop.

14> A shiv makes an excellent olive pitter. And vice versa.

13> Looking for the perfect tassels to accent your "Home Sweet
Home" macrame? Try using your ex-lawyer's testicles.

12> Rat skins can be used to make adorable little bedroom slippers.

11> It's a good idea to have an adequate supply of your own blood
stored in dated Zip-Loc bags. You can keep them cool in your
toilet tank.

10> Remember: On the right of the metal dinner tray, place the
salad shank and the shrimp shiv.

9> A sock filled with rocks and tunneling dirt can produce a
festive and functional blackjack that can knock the eyebrows
off a rhino.

8> Save your teeth after prison yard beatings to string as
garland during the holidays.

7> You can make a decorative and functional toilet cozy by using
the carefully peeled skin of the stoolie who ratted you out.

6> Floating worthless stock certificates in the toilet turns the
water a pretty shade of blue.

5> When cell space is severely limited, body cavities offer
excellent supplemental storage spaces for small but highly
valued heirlooms.

4> A simple wall calendar comes in handy for keeping track of
which Big Mama owns you this week.

3> A pinch of Windex can spruce up even the blandest jug of
toilet wine.

2> A gentle soaking in a solution of vinegar and mineral water
will take the "ass smell" out of most contraband.

and the Number 1
Martha Stewart Prison Cell Decorating Tip...


1> Nothing says "home" like a bologna welcome mat.
=============================================

[bonyhadi]

Lezbonics



1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? ...A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? ...Militia Etheridge.
4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because
they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? ...Fur Traders.
7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss.
8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? ...Well Hung.
9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint. (eeewwwww)
10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? ...POTPOURRI.
11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? ...See you next
month
12. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned? ...She was found face
down in Ricki Lake.
13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? ...Even the pool table
doesn't
have balls.
14. Do you know what drag is? ...It's when a man wears everything
lesbian won't.
15. What do you call lesbian twins? ...Lick-a-likes.
16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch? ...She kick-starts her
vibrator and rolls her own tampons.
17. What's the definition of confusion? ...Twenty blind lesbians in a
fish market.
18. What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian? One's
a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!







A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.
A gorgeous petite sister walks by and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Sir, did you call for me?"
The mans replies, "No, what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here, let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sat down he farted. Within a few minutes a huge, horrible, corpulent,
hairy man lumbers out of the steam toward him.
"Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" says the newcomer.
"You must be new here," says the hairy man, "it is a rule here that if you fart it implies that you called for me."
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
"May I help you?" she says.
The man yells, "Here is my membership card, you can have the key back, and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here a few hours, you haven't even had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day!"
==========================
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicap zone.
===================
A guest in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one
morning and said with a wonderful and cheerful smile, "Good Morning,
sir. What a wonderful morning! I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so
undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's
tough and hard to eat.
Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left out
so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as
soon as you touch it with a knife; and I'd like some butter straight
from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of weak
coffee, lukewarm."
"I'm sorry, sir." said the bewildered waiter. "We cannot do that for
you."
The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"
===================
One day in the Garden of Eden while Adam was away,
Eve became really horny. As she was not expecting Adam
back for a while, she decided to go off and look for some fun.
Walking along, she spotted a dinosaur, grabbed it,
and ****ed it till it died. Still not satisfied,
she came across some monkeys playing in the trees.
She tried to grab them, but all she could get were handfuls
of their hair. She continued on and came to a stream.
She reached in and pulled at the biggest fish she
could find and, using it like a dildo, ****ed herself
until she was satisfied. This has taught science many things.
We now know why the dinosaurs became extinct.
We also know why monkeys have no hair on their ass.
But to this day we still don't know how fish used to smell.
=====================

Chop and Drop Syndrome


WOMEN CHOPS OFF SLEEPING HUSBAND'S PENIS, DROPS IT FROM MOVING CAR!" DON'T LAUGH, ITS TRUE! IT
COULD HAPPEN TO YOU!! Right now, thousands of agitated, irate women have read this headline and are
contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted sexual advance, look at them the wrong
way, or just generally piss them off! MEN, PROTECT YOURSELF NOW!
If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome), could you be sure the appropriate authorities would
find your chopped member in time, and intact!
Could you be sure the penis part they found was even yours?
INQUIRE NOW ABOUT OUR LOW COST PENIS PROTECTION PLAN!
Plan A - The "Basic Package" We will register your penis and scrotum and tattoo them with their own unique
registration numbers, insuring that in case of separation, you will get a perfect match EVERY TIME!
Plan B - The "Jurassic Prick" program. We will take a cell sample from your penis and clone replacement parts for you
in the event a tractor-trailer rig runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for a chew
toy!
Plan C - "Balls of Steel" For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one-size-fits-all battery operated
stainless steel jock strap that can be worn when necessary.
When you are asleep, an alarm will be activated when metal or other hazardous objects come within one foot of the jock
strap. This will guarantee you a full night's sleep, free of worry!
DON'T GET CAUGHT SHORT...... ORDER TODAY!
CALL 1-800-SAV-A-DIK
======================

Amusing Irrelevant Facts

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In 1983, a Japanese artist made a copy of the Mona Lisa completely out of toast.

In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting ad space on his cows.

An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.

The first-known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money. [The rest of us are avoiding reality for four more years.]

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
==================================

[bonyhadi]

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the ****'s he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
=============================
Using the keyboard to measure your DillyWhacker


1. Disrobe and stand by your keyboard.
Rest your left testicle in the rounded hollow on top of the "1" key. Rest your right testicle in the key immediately below that (the Q key
on a standard keyboard, probably something different on the Dvorak keyboard. You lumberjacks may have to use the A or even the Z
key).
2. Grasp your thing in your right hand and slap it firmly across the number key row on your keyboard. (For instance, my result is
``1234567890-+'' the backspace key removes the.)
3. Place a copy of the June, 1981 Playboy open to the centerfold at a distance of 2.5 feet. Rest your thing on the keyboard and stare
intently at the girl pictured for five minutes or until your feet leave the ground. Repeat the above test.

Cautions

1. Do not attempt this test after swimming. You will skew the results.
2. Black men may wish to use a special extended keyboard, or place two keyboards end to end.
3. If you try this test on a public keyboard, you may want to swab it down with alcohol first.
4. On some keyboards, severe sparking may result. Be sure to keep a fire extinguisher handy, and DON'T BE AFRAID TO USE IT. Test can
also be used to diagnose some genital disorders.

Test Results Diagnosis

1 -- You suffer from Short Penis Syndrome
12367 -- You have a strange gap in your penis
12efgbn -- Your penis has a right hand bend; sometimes called Jerker's Lean.
12wgui,l=]\ -- Seek immediate medical care.
==================================
The ultimate list of excuses:
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.
===================
A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny, how about
a little bit tonight."

No, she said, I've got cold cream on my face and I'm afraid I might get
it on the bed.

He said ok and went on to bed. The next night he came in and said"
Honey, i'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit"?

She said no, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess
up the bed.

He said ok and went on to sleep. The next night he came home and said,
"Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit"?

She said no, I took a laxitive and I'm afraid I might **** on the bed.

He said ok and went on to sleep. The next night he came home and said,
"Honey, i'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight"?

She said, no, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed.

OK he said and went on to sleep. The next night he came home with a big
cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on.

His wife asked what the outfit was for.

He replied, "Cream, mud, ****, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight"
=======================
A man was laying on his back and fell asleep on the beach under the noon day sun. He suffered a severe sunburn to his legs. He was taken
to the hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused
agony. The doctor prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water and electrolytes, a mild sedative and Viagra. Rather astounded, the
nurse inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?" The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off of his legs."
=================
John had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times,"
"The second night, eight times.
The third night, seven times.
The fourth night, six times.
The fifth night, five times.
The sixth night, four times, and the last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried shoving a wet noodle up a wild cat's ass"?
=====================================
On the Internet they found romance
That put them both into a sexual trance
But each had a gripe
About having to type
With a hand stuck down into the pants.
==================================
At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One
Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was
smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation. Joe said that he did not take any of the
offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take
any of the offering. So the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did. Then the priest asked him if he took any of the offering, and this time he said,
"I can't hear you." Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you." This time the priest yelled, "JOE DID YOU
TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again Joe answered, "I can't hear you."
By this time the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me, and you can ask me a question." So they
traded places, and Joe asked, "I hear that you and my wife are having an affair;
is that true?"
The priest answered, "By golly, you can't hear in here."
===============================================

[bonyhadi]

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband
decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment,
and then exclaims, "HOLY****! IT WORKS!"
==========================================
Doug went to the doctor today for a small problem. He was unable to straighten out his fingers for a while and thought he should check into it. Well, his doctor, being
the progressive type, gave him a script for a low dosage of Viagra to see if that might help with the problem... and it surely did!
His fingers are now straighter than they have ever been. But the side effect is killing Doug. Now that he can't curl his fingers, he can't get any satisfaction at all.
==========================
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to
put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker."

Janet responded, "Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well, how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can."

That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action.
She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.

She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Janet, is that you?
=================
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence visit the day after the friend's wife of 30 years has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no answer, so
he decides to go in and see if everything is all right. Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room having sex with the maid.
"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!!"
His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what I'm doing?"
=============================
Why is a beer better than a woman?

You can enjoy a beer all month long.
A frigid beer is good.
A beer doesn't care when you come.
When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
A beer never gets a headache.
If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
You can share a beer with a friend.
You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
A beer is always wet.
You can have a beer in public.
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
A beer doesn't get pregnant.
A beer doesn't have parents.
You can say whatever you want to a beer.
A beer doesn't care if you are late.
And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
==================
TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
=========================

Diary of a Smoker-Quitting

Day One: ****.

Day One again only the next day:

Have tried to kill husband twice.
Decide against washing dishes as always have cigarette when done.
Same for bathroom.
Am suddenly thinking this has upside.
Eating dried fruit, apricots, pears, and brown things that look like squished roaches, which remind me of doobie roaches, which remind
me of cigarettes.
Watch husband light a cigarette; look at him pitifully.
Eat leftover beans from last night - that'll show him.
Walk by computer and wave occasionally. Can't sit and write or surf as this has been main smoking area.
It's about four-o' clock now; I could have just one, I could have just one, I could have just one.
That's Mr. Nicotine. He lives! with me; 'he' could be a chick, but frankly, right now, I don't frigging care.
Decide to play fantasy game on Playstation.
Spend next three hours breeding Chocobos so game hero can save world. World doomed in my opinion.

Day two, morning:
Woke up two hours earlier than usual. Great; two extra hours of fencing practice with the RJ Reynolds Company and spawn.

Seriously considering finding some hallucinogens as never had desire for nicotine during a really good walk through a wall. Woke up six
times during night to pee because I drank four gallons of water "to assist my system flush poison."

Am feeling unusually testy as result of
lack of sleep and deep-seated oral fixation fantasies.
Decide to either kill or have sex with mail carrier when post arrives. Probably both.

Day 2, afternoon:
See husband off to airport for business trip.

Clean closets. Nothing new in mail. Did all laundry out of necessity - body of dead mail carrier would not fit in dryer otherwise.
Put in extra dryer sheets
(Arm and Hammer, biodegradable.)
Decide to take walk. Meet neighbor who asks if mail came yet. She is smoking a cigarette.
I tell her no out of spite.

Day 3, morning:
Go through dead man's mail bag; keep catalogues for joyous Christmas shopping. Feed rest down garbage disposal.

Day 3, Afternoon:
Call garbage disposal repair.

Day 4: Receive visitor. Police looking for missing mail carrier - received anonymous tip from garbage disposal repair person.

Make coffee and offer fat-free cookies and dried fruit. Arrange dried fruit to make smiley faces on plate.

Police officer asks if I mind if he smokes. Burst in to tears. Confess.

Day 472:
Sentenced to death in murder of Postal Employee. ( Federal crime.)

Day 478:
Beaten by seven large women in prison for having no cigarettes to trade.
Able to sing better now; make up prison blues songs.

Day 552:
Receive divorce papers: husband marrying tobacco heiress. Cell-mate offers to have ex husband whacked. Wants twelve cartons of
cigarettes and one pair Doc Marten boots.
Decide husband will live as price too steep.

Day 558:
Secure two cartons of cigarettes for payment
to cell-mate to have defense attorney whacked.
Feel much better.

Day 691:
Served last meal - minister asks if anything wanted at last moments. Think back to how good cigarette after meals used to be.
Request one last smoke. Minister reluctant, no smoking in federal building, but sneaks one in. Sit back, relax, smoke. Ahhhhh. Feel
slightly dizzy, giddy, euphoric.

Warden enters cell excitedly;
Governor issues full pardon due to new Federal
"It Takes a Village" crimes statute:
new law allows for defense appeal of insanity by reason of severe nicotine withdrawal.

Day 1: ****.


=============================
Why was the 2 piece bikini invented?

To separate the meat section from the dairy section.
==================

[bonyhadi]

RULES OF BEDROOM GOLF

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do
so
may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time
to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played.
Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the
first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private
course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at tall times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be
temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of
play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with,
and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners
request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
==================================
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row. She was wearing a
tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and
asked to speak to the woman after everyone else had left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest voice, "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why, reverend," the young thing replied. "All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits.

After several minutes, he raised his head and said, "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not, reverend," she said. "You're not plugged in.
===========================================
GOVERNMENT WARNING:
Eating female's organ is dangerous to your health because its 5% urine, 3% acidic, 2% fat & 90% addictive. Hehehe. Eat moderately.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I meet a hot babe last night, she undid my fly and started playing with my dick!

I said "you handle that well" she said "I should; I used to have one!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I'd walk a mile for one of your smiles and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue
================================
Doctor, you've gotta help me... my wife Sharon just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, Charlie, I can't prescribe..."

"Doctor, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me."

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.

"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, but the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give Sharon more than
ONE, understand?... JUST one."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... okay."

Charlie expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where Sharon has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, Sharon goes to the kitchen
to
bring dessert. Charlie , in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Sharon's coffee. He reflects for a moment,
hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The Doc did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: Charlie drops one pill into his own coffee.

Sharon returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our Charlie with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a
few minutes after they finish, Sharon shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep,
throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice Charlie has never heard Sharon use before, she says, "I... need... a man..!!!"

Charlie eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too..!!!."
====================================
Bob goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out
and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
Bob farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
Bob thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells,
"Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."
===================================
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get
rid of your control top pantyhose."

While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid
of your wonder bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you
firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."
================================
A Wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her up to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was
not a tramp. She was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive
paintings; first editions of famous authors and offered her a glass of
wine.

He asked her if she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry
by all means. To me it is the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in
a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.
When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my
glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of
ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sounds of a thousand violins being
softly played fills my ears and I am transported into another world."

"On the other hand, Port makes me fart."
=============================

[bonyhadi]

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A
WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more
physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's
easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt
away. The holes in the armpits are too
cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing
unless I get to swallow.



TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!

5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

*And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:

1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge.

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

*And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?


TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:

10. Damn, my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.

*And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:

1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.





The Guy Dictionary
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON
MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real
babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE
ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a
real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will
bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can
fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next
three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."







This is highly amusing.....

Inner Peace

Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've
started. It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I
start, and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you........
**
*
*
*
*
Here are the things that I have finished today:
two bags of potato chips,
a strawberry cheesecake,
a package of Oreo's,
a bottle of wine
and a small box of chocolates.

I think this really works because I feel better already!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[bonyhadi]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7
months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it...)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!!!)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
(In my next life I want to be a pig)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still not over that pig thing...)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-
handed people do.
(If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of...? Did the govt. pay for this
research??)

Polar bears are left handed.
(Who knew? Who cares? Now you know, bet you still don't care)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length.
(It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves
to death.
(Creepy.... creepy people thinking of creepy things to do studies on)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the....)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Oh, geez)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that too)

After reading all these, all I can say is...Damn Pigs!

[CobraDan]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"****" said the hypnotist.
It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

[bonyhadi]

"I don't care if my husband leaves me," said the young wife of her
mate.
"Just so long as he leaves me enough!"
====================================
Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller. " I know you are
the hottest woman in Dallas. If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll
give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in
one hand, I ain't the least bit interested!"
=================================
I was in my office last week, when a male coworker poked his head in
the door and asked if I was busy. I said no and invited him to come in
and close the door. "I need help," he said. "It's sort of private.

You see my wife and I are having some difficulty with sex."
He looked highly embarrassed.
"Well, I'll certainly be happy to try to help," I said, unsure exactly
what he might want me to do about it.
"You know, it's gotten so bad we've had to resort to S & M."
"You mean sadism and masochism?" I asked, incredulous.
"No, I mean she sleeps and I masturbate."
===========================
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2000
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature
===============================
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,
their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.
"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.
"Adam," replied the second.
"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked
Joshua.
Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."
"Honest?" asked Joshua.
"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
=============================
Little Johnny's teacher was helping him put on his boots. He was really
struggling, so she began helping him push them on. The boots still
didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes the first boot was
on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little Johnny said, "Teacher, they're on
the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
feet.

Little Johnny then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why
didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to
help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

Little Johnny then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me
wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what grace and
courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"

Said Little Johnny "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
=============================
Performance Appraisals Revisited

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS ........= Able to bull****
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ........= Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE .................= Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED .....= Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY ...........= Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY ..................= Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY ........= Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER ...............= Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING ...................= Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER ..................= Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE .......................= Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS .....= Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL ........= Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...= A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES .........= Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGMENT .....= Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR .............= Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED ....................= Back Stabber
LOYAL ............................= Can't get a job anywhere else
=========================
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
=======================

[bonyhadi]

Q: Why is a turd better than a woman?
A: Because after you lay a turd you don't have to hug and kiss it.

Q: Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
A: It's for foul balls.

Q: Why do Africans wear Baggy pants?
A: Because their knee grows.

Q: What tastes good on pie but not on *****?
A: Crust.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?
A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So no one confuses them with feminists.

Q: What's green, and has 12 tits?
A: A garbage bag at a breast cancer clinic.

Q: What is the difference between American sewers and Mexican sewers?
A: Mexican sewers have diving boards!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Q: Did you see Roman Polanski's new movie?
A: Close Encounters With The Third Grade.

Q: What's the definition of a woman?
A: Life support for a vagina.

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids

Q: How can you pick an Italian air plane?
A: They're the ones with the hair under the wings.

Q: What's the definition of a virgin?
A: An ugly second grader.

Q: Did you hear about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
A: 100 ways to wok your dog.

Q: Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
A: So when you pull on their tits they don't **** on you.

Q: What do white babies become when they die?
A: Angels.
Q: What do black babies become when they die?
A: Bats.

Q: Why did G-d create alcohol?
A: So ugly people could get laid too.

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?
A: He comes down the chimney, wakes up the children and says,
"Hey kids, do you want to buy some toys?"

Q: Why do women have two sets of lips?
A: So they can piss and moan at the same time.

Q: What is the difference between a fag and a freezer.
A: The freezer don't fart when you take the meat out!

Q: What's the definition of "Tender Love?"
A: Two ******s with hemorrhoids.

Q: Why do they bury Aborigines 100 feet underground?
A: Because deep, deep down they're nice people.

Q: Why did the Pakistani trade his wife for an outhouse?
A: Because the hole was smaller and the smell was better.

Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion?
A: In a crucifixion they throw out the whole Jew.

Q: Why do birds fly upside down over Italy?
A: Because there's nothing worth ****ting on.

Q: What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's shelter should do?
A: The dishes, if she's smart.

Q: What's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?
A: What time will your husband get home?

Q: Why do women have periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Q: Why does everyone wants to work at the impotency clinic?
A: It's a soft job.

Q: Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
A: It seats 500.

Q: What's the difference between wives and secretaries?
A: Secretaries get a little behind at work, wives get a big behind at home.

Q: What's grosser than gross?
A: When your girlfriend does a split and your best friends class ring falls out.

Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: "I can do so much better."
Q: What did he say after he created woman?
A: "Guess I was wrong!"

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Q: What's worse than your best friend telling you that he's a ******?
A: When he tells you that he &%(*$ you that night you passed out drunk on his couch!

Q: Why don't Italians eat flies?
A: They can't get their little legs apart.

Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: A scrotum pole!

Q: Why won't Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu give
the Palestinian's their land back?
A: Because it's in his wife's name.

Q: What is the definition of "making love?"
A: Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.

Q: Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A: Because they couldn't fit all that **** into a sneaker.

Q: Why don't women have brains?
A: They don't have a cock to keep them in!

Q: How do we know God is a man?
A: Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.

Q: Why do they play on artificial turf in Poland?
A: To keep the cheerleaders from grazing.

Q: How can you tell when the Mexicans have moved into your neighborhood?
A: The Blacks get car insurance.

Q: Why do they say that eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.

Q: Did you hear about the Irish Tap Dancer?
A: She fell into the sink.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: Salad Shooter

Q: How do you get four ******s to share a barstool?
Q: Turn it upside down!

Q: What do you do if you see a Vietnamese drowning?
A: Throw in his wife and kids!

Q: What do 60,000 abused woman have in common?
A: They don't &*%($& listen!

Q: What do you call a thick fingered lesbian?
A: Well hung

Q: What's the most amazing thing about AIDS?
A: It can turn a fruit into a vegetable!

Q: What did the Mexican do with his first 50 cent piece?
A: He married her.

Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Q: How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
A: The players don't yell "FORE!" they yell "$3.99!"

Q: What did the blind, deaf and dumb kid get for Christmas?
A: Leukemia.

Q: Why aren't there any Indians on the starship enterprise?
A: Because they don't work in the future either.

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went duck hunting?
A: He didn't get any because he couldn't throw the dog high enough.

Q: Why do men die before their wives?
A: They want to.

Q: Did you hear about the homo Mountie?
A: He jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

Q: What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
A: Shiite on a shingle.

Q: Why is a pedophile like the turtle?
A: 'Cause he got there before the hare.

Q: What do you call a woman in the army?
A: A WAC.
Q: What do you call a black woman in the army?
A: A WACOON.

Q: How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A: Marry it!

Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife?
A: Her pet name is "Spot".

Q: What is green, two miles long and has an arsehole every two feet?
A: The St. Patrick's Day parade.

Q: Why was John Wayne's toilet paper taken off the market?
A: Because it was rough, tough, and didn't take **** from any asshole.

Q: Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A: So they can look like their mothers.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
A: Some prick cut her off.

Q: What was Adolf Hitler's favorite song?
A: "If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a kike!"

Q: Did you hear about the Jewish Station Wagon?
A: Not only can it TURN on a dime, but it can pick one up.

Q: Why don't employers give blondes coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to re train them.

Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer said to Lorena Bobbitt?
A: "You gonna eat that?"

Q: Did you know 70% of the ****** population were born that way?
A: The other 30% were sucked into it.

Q: Why do women parachutists wear tampons?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Q: What do you call an empty beer bottle in an Indian reserve?
A: An Indian artifact

Q: What do you call two ******s on a waterbed?
A: A fruit float!

Q: What's the definition of a maniac?
A: An Italian in a whorehouse with a credit card.

Q: Why are synagogues round?
A: So the Jews have nowhere to run when they pass out the collection plate.

Q: What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
A: The Dead Sea.

Q: What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can't gargle sand!

Q: Why do women have legs?
A: Ever seen the mess a snail makes?


Q: What do you get when you cross a homo Eskimo and a black?
A: A snowblower that doesn't work.

Q: What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
A: Strapadictomy.

Q: What is the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hairballs.

Q: What do you call a homo Jewish Male?
A: A Heblew.

Q: How do you confuse a Scientologist?
A: Hand him a personality test that has "see other side" written on both sides.

[bonyhadi]

Q: Which is the odd one out? TV, Fridge, Washing Machine, Woman.
A: The TV. The other three leak when they're ****ed!

Q: What's white, jelly-like and runs down a public toilet wall?
A: George Michaels' latest release.

Q: Did you hear that George Michael was found dead in his cell?
A: Apparently the cause of death was a massive stroke.

Q: What are George Michael's favorite baseball teams?
A: The Expos and the Yanks.

Q: Why do seagulls have wings?
A: To beat the Abo's to the tip.

Q: Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
A: Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.

Q: How do you get a hippie to stop rolling joints?
A: Cut off his fingers.

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman washing her fanny?
A: A nun has a soul full of hope.

Q: Why is being in the Army like a PG movie?
A: Too much violence and not enough sex.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

Q: How is a woman like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the **** out of you.

Q: What did the Pollack do before going to the cockfight?
A: Greased his zipper.

Q: How do ******s dispose of their condoms?
A: By Farting

Q: Why don't Italians have freckles?
A: They slide off.

Q: What does a toilet and a woman have in common?
A: Without the hole in the middle they aren't worth ****.

Q: What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits your windshield?
A: It's arsehole.

Q: What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A: A kidney dialysis machine!

Q: How do you take a head count in Israel?
A: Roll a quarter down the street.

Q: How can you pick an Irish pirate?
A: He wears a patch over both eyes.

Q: What's the logo for the new Irish tampon?
A: "We may not be number 1, but were still up there!

Q: Why do brides wear white?
A: So that they match the appliances.

Q: How do you spot a kiwi in a shoe shop
A: He's the one standing near the moccasins with a hard-on.

Q: What is the proper thing to throw at a pregnant bride at her wedding?
A: Puffed rice.

Q: What do you call a good looking girl in Poland?
A: A tourist!

Q: What's the hardest part of a sex change operation?
A: Removing half the brain.

Q: Why did God give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed in the morning?
A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.
========


A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
she accidentally cut off a truck driver. The truck driver motioned for

her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from
his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly
commanded to the blonde, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!".
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats. When he turned
around she had a slight grin on her face. "Oh you think that's funny?
Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every
window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is
getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her
tires. Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car
and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is almost falling over.

"What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
circle.
==========================
A guy phones a law office and says: "I want to speak to my lawyer." The
receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The
receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By
this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says,
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.
Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."
==========================
A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in
the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the
husband said, "Hey honey, you're getting fat.
Your butt is getting huge. I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick,
measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.
"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought; just about the same size."
The wife got very angry and decided to let him do the gardening alone.
She went inside and didn't speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife
and said, "How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold
shoulder. "What's the matter?" he asked. To which she replied,"
You don't think I am going to fire up this big ass grill for one little
weenie, do you?"
=======================

You Might Be A Redneck If...

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Is that a bad mental
image or what?)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more
then your refrigerator.

You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and
grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one
gift.

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.

You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You've never paid for a haircut.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal
underwear.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just "misunderstood".

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You think a 'cursor' is someone who swears a lot.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank.

Your screen door has no screen.
======================

What Was He?

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. His last request was a drink.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN:
1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was bilingual.
3. He was always being harassed by the authorities.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He worked in the building trades.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK:
1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He invented a new religion.
=========================
For those of us getting on in years and needing a bit of exercise, I thought I might let you, my
friends, in on a little secret I've found for building my arm and shoulder muscles. You might
wish to adopt this regimen - three days a week or so.
I started by standing outside, behind the house, and with a 5-lb. Potato sack in each hand,
extending my arms straight out to my sides and holding them there as long as I could.
After a few weeks I moved up to 10-lb. potato sacks, then 50-lb. potato sacks, and finally,
100-lb. potato sacks. Finally I got to where I could lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and
hold my arms straight out for more than a full minute.
NEXT, I started putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but I would caution you not to over do it at
this level.

[bonyhadi]

We've all been lost and depended on our wives to act as navigator. Well, not long ago, Jill, her face buried in a map book, said, "Turn here!"
John did, and didn't notice the"No Left Turn" sign. Just his luck, a policeman was nearby and stopped him. He tried to explain that they were lost, and he was
following his wife's directions.
He issued John a ticket for "Driving Under the Influence of Wife."
=====================
Linda: I'm going to be an airline flight attendant because it's a wonderful way to meet lots of men.
Jill: There are plenty of other jobs where you could meet men.
Linda: Maybe so, but they wouldn't be strapped into their seats.
=====================
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician solicitously. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
===============================
Doug's barn burned down and his wife, Tammy, called the insurance company. Tammy spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty
thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa, there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then
we'll provide you with another barn just like the original one."
There was a long pause, and then Tammy replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.
===================
A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:
The Prosecutor: "You witnessed the robbery, Sir?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "What was stolen?"
The Eyewitness: "Two televisions."
The Prosecutor: "Did you see the thieves?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "Could you identify them?"
The Eyewitness: "Yes."
The Prosecutor: "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"
At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.
====================
A pair of congressmen met for lunch to hash out their political differences.
Ten minutes into the meal, one angrily pounded the table."You're lying!" he shouted. "Of course, I'm lying," the other said, "but hear me out."
============================================
A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" He backed her up against the
bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. When
he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door.
He said, "That was the best, Honey. You've never moved like that before. You didn't hurt yourself, did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
========================
My friends Dick and Sandra, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to Dick,
"I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample."

Dick says, "What?"

So the doctor says it again.
Once again Dick says, "What?"

So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND
A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that Sandra turns to Dick and says,

"He needs a pair of your underwear!"
============================
New herbal remedies...

P e p t o b i m b o Liquid silicone for single women.

Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
=========================
Some time ago, President Clinton was hosting a state dinner when, at the last minute, his regular cook fell ill, and they had to get a
replacement on short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby-looking man named Jon. The President voiced his
concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief of Staff, but
he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay, but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little
funny. By the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself from the dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through
the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end, which made him feel even worse. By now, the President was
desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom.

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened. As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he
realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice, "Sack my cook."

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
=======================
A 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?"

"Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize. That
changes the molecular structure and turns it into a different color."

There was a long silence. Then the son asked softly, "Daddy, are you talking to me?
=================
George comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing another
woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
===========================
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How
should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans
down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks
familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She
goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms
of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead,
ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington
had to make before he crossed the
Delaware."
=============
M & M Survival Kit

Put M & M's into a cute container and add
these directions:

To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate,
eat the BROWN one.

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you
want to be left Alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW
one.

The BLUE one reduces Bloating.

If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat
the WHOLE BAG!!!
======================

[bonyhadi]

A train hits a busload of schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past
St Peter.
St Peter asks first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head
of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy
Water and pass through the gate."
St Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have
you ever had any contact with a penis?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies "Well once I
fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and
pass through the gate."
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of
girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.
When she reaches the front St Peter says, "Susan! What seems
to be the rush?"
The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I want to do it before Jackie sticks her arse in it!"

[bonyhadi]

M & M Survival Kit

Put M & M's into a cute container and add
these directions:

To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate,
eat the BROWN one.

At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one.

Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression.

The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you
want to be left Alone.

If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW
one.

The BLUE one reduces Bloating.

If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat
the WHOLE BAG!!!
=========================
'What your car says about you'

Acura Integra- I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
*
Acura Legend- I'm too bland for German cars
*
Acura NSX- I am impotent
*
Audi 90- I enjoy putting out engine fires
*
Buick Park Avenue- I am older than 34 of the 50 states
*
Cadillac Eldorado- I am a very good Mary Kay salesman
*
Cadillac Seville- I am a pimp
*
Chevrolet Camaro- I enjoy beating up people
*
Chevrolet Chevette- I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette
*
Chevrolet Corvette- I'm in a mid-life crisis
*
Chevrolet El Camino- I am leading a militia to overthrow the government
*
Chrysler Cordoba- I dig the rich Corinthian leather
*
Datsun 280Z- I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
*
Dodge Dart- I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
*
Dodge Daytona- I delivered pizza for four years to get this car
*
Ford Fairmont- (See Dodge Dart)
*
Ford Mustang- I slow down
=====================
A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and
had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 39th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said "this could be Jimmy Hoffa or
somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it anymore, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said "We are the two
guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."
The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1958 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"
===================

[bonyhadi]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
We need = I want.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
You're so...manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like.

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
Will you marry me? = I want it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next ten minutes.
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
====================
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says,"I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best...Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in, "You know, I like construction workers
Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end
and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

BUT...the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, "You're all wrong... Politicians are the easiest to operate on... There's no guts,
no heart, and no spine...and...the head and butt are interchangeable."
==============================================

The Perks of Being Over 50

1. Your supply of brain cells is finally
down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends
because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask,
"Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but
not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other
peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments
about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbors
don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed
limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in,
no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is
finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who
sent you this list.
===================

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know you all have experienced this,
and here's the way one old guy handled it:

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

He replied, "There's something wrong with my penis."

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or
something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

He stated, "There's something wrong with my ear."

The receptionist nodded approvingly, knowing he had taken her advice, "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

The man replied, "I can't piss out of it."
=================================
HOW TO SATISFY . . .

How to satisfy a woman everytime. . .

Lick, paw, ogle, caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, dig, floralize, feed, laminate,
tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, bark, purr, hug, baste, marinate, coddle, excite, pacify, tattoo, protect,
phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice, ply, accessorize, leave, return,beseech, sublimate,
entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, tunnel, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl,shower, shave, ululate, trust,
dip, twirl, dive,grovel, ignore,defend,milk, coax, clothe, straddle, melt, brag, acquiesce, aromate, prevail,super , fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help,acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, reddi-whip, embrace,delouse, accept,butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug,
mosh, locomote, beg, plead, borrow,steal, climb, swim, hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet, nurse, resuscitate, repair,patch,
crazy-glue,
respect, entertain, calm, allay,kill for,die for,do a nickel in Attica for, dream of, promise, exceed, deliver, tease, flirt, enlist, torch, pine,
wheedle, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, hezbollah, jihad, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve,
bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her to Funkytown, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuasion, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die,
swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather,tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet,
slicken,
undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast,
enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back and do it all again.

How to satisfy a man everytime. . .

Blow job.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

[bonyhadi]

THE SHIPWRECK

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert
island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One
particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night
for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put
his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After
that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young
woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and
they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening
beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of
romance.

Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in
and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... "Would you mind taking the dog for a
walk?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MARRIED FOR MONEY

Cliff was stark naked in front of his open window, doing his morning exercises.

His wife entered the room and shouted, "Cliff, you damn fool, close those curtains! I don't want the neighbors to think
that I married you for your money!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea...

A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy!!!
============================
What does a nymphomaniac chicken sound like?...
F*ck-f*ck-f*ck...... f*ck-f*ck-f*ck
==========================
REVENGE

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth
time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy
dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was
a complete, incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He
didn't say anything but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service.

She was so busy complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quickly into his tool bag. A minute later he
held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet." All
the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman turned a bright red. The super was holding up a large yellow
banana with a red condom wrapped around it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and
carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.

Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and
threw it into the suitcase.

After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new
bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.

While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there. She
exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"

Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
==================================
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor.

"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire
at all."

The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she
bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."

"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"

"How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
===============================