Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.
They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided
to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tires to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front,
she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

[bonyhadi]

John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on
TV.
Charles asked John, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

John thinks for a second and replies, "Sure, why not!"

Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, "What
you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your
pants, bend over and fart for the extra point!"

"Piece of cake, let's do it!" John replies.

"I'll go first," shouts Charles.

He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls
down his pants, bends over and farts for the extra point. "Seven zip,
your turn!" he says to John.

John gets ready to begin. He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for

6 points, then pulls down his pants and bends over for the extra point.


Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and rams it into John
ass and shouts, "BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!"
=========================
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she
asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of
the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
==================================
When someone asks how you are, tell them "FINE"!
****ed up
Insecure
Neurotic &
Emotional
==============================
What do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?
Bisexual.
======================
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He
replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that
there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went
to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked
so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My G-d, you look
terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible
but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that

he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and
looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the
subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,
"Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"
==============
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse you go between periods and you are expected to come.
=======================================
Blonde Revenge!

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
Has the blonde left yet?

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher Price.

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
=========================
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A 747?
NOT EVERYONE HAS BEEN ON A 747 !
========
Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies?
He had to his wife kept getting pregnant
===============================
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass."
==========================
Sex in a boat - oar-gasms.
Sex with a nerd - dork-gasms.
Sex at the entrance to your house - door-gasms.
Sex on carpet or linoleum - floor-gasms.
Sex at the supermarket - store-gasms.
Sex at a Steven King Movie - horror-gasms.
Sex with a prostitute - whore-gasms.
Sex with an accountant - bore-gasms.
Sex while sleeping - snore-gasms.
Sex with 'Arthur' - Dudley Moore-gasms.
Sex with cartoon donkeys - Eyeore-gasms.
Sex while broke - poor-gasms.
Sex with a lion - roar-gasms.
Sex for hours and hours on end - sore-gasms.
Sex on a golf course - fore-gasms.
Sex with a nymphomaniac - more-gasms.
Sex in a gold mine - ore-gasms.
Sex with a dermatologist - pore-gasms.
Sex with a politician - Al Gore-gasms.
Sex with Chocolate, marshmallows, and graham crackers - s'more-gasms.
Sex with a bullfighter - toreador-gasms.
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword - zorro-gasms.
Sex at an all-you-can-eat buffet - smorgasbord-gasms.
Sex on a cruise ship deck - shuffleboard-gasms.
Sex in Asia - Singapore-gasms.
Sex among the wonders of nature - outdoor-gasms.
Sex in the vicinity of a garbage can - odor-gasms.
Sex on the way to the train - 'All Aboard'-gasms.
Sex that wasn't very satisfying - 'There's the door'-gasms.
Sex in an adult theater - hard-core-gasms.
Sex with someone who's not paying attention - ignore-gasms.
Sex with a competitive partner - score-gasms.
Sex while flying - soar-gasms.
Sex with a beloved partner - adore-gasms.
Sex with a meat-eater - carnivore-gasms.
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo - pompadour-gasms.
Sex with someone who's got bad taste in clothes - velour-gasms.
Sex while traveling - tour-gasms.
Sex with a big dog - Labrador-gasms.
Sex with Beavis and Butthead - 'GonnaScore'-gasms.
Sex on stairs at the mall - escalator-gasms.
Sex with three of your friends - four-gasms.
Sex with a Norse God - Thor-gasms.
Sex when resistance is futile - Borg-gasms.
=================================
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
More head room.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
They are both used as substitute meat.

What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
One is a goodyear, and the other is a great year!

What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A bellybutton!


Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.
================================================

[bonyhadi]

John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on
TV.
Charles asked John, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"

John thinks for a second and replies, "Sure, why not!"

Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, "What
you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your
pants, bend over and fart for the extra point!"

"Piece of cake, let's do it!" John replies.

"I'll go first," shouts Charles.

He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls
down his pants, bends over and farts for the extra point. "Seven zip,
your turn!" he says to John.

John gets ready to begin. He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for

6 points, then pulls down his pants and bends over for the extra point.


Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and rams it into John
ass and shouts, "BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!"
=========================
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she
squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.
Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she
asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of
the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."
==================================
When someone asks how you are, tell them "FINE"!
****ed up
Insecure
Neurotic &
Emotional
==============================
What do you call a redneck who has a dog and a cat?
Bisexual.
======================
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at
him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He
replied that he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said,
"What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that
there was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went
to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible."
The man again replied that he felt great.
The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked
so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the
examining room and saw him the doctor said, "My G-d, you look
terrible."
The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible
but that he felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that

he definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and
looked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the
subsection "feels great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,
"Tell me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"
==============
Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse you go between periods and you are expected to come.
=======================================
Blonde Revenge!

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
Has the blonde left yet?

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher Price.

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache.

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
=========================
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A 747?
NOT EVERYONE HAS BEEN ON A 747 !
========
Did you hear about the blonde man who had 8 vasectomies?
He had to his wife kept getting pregnant
===============================
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass."
==========================
PRAYERS AROUND THE ZODIAC
ARIES: Dear G-d, please give me patience ... and could you do it right now?
TAURUS: Dear G-d, help me accept change, but let's do it my way.
GEMINI: Dear G-d! Who is G-d? Where is G-d? Why is G-d?
CANCER: Dear G-d!!!
LEO: Yes? Hello G-d...are you listening to me ?
VIRGO: Dear G-d, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time.
LIBRA: Dear G-d, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do you think is best?
SCORPIO: Our Father, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors, even though the low-life scum don't deserve it!
SAGITTARIUS: Dear Lord, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, help me stop exaggerating.
CAPRICORN: Dear G-d! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else!
AQUARIUS: Dear G-d, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!!
PISCES: Dear Lord, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation for Thy glory.
================================
This truckie is cruising down the highway when he picks up some slut hitch-hiking...

He just gets rolling again and she says " pull over will ya, I need a piss"

"**** that!" he says, "I just got 'er into top gear, you'll have to piss out the window".

So she winds down the window and sticks her ass out and starts pissin'.

Just as she's doing it, these two bikies go past and she sprays piss all over them.

A few minutes later the bikies stop for some gas, and one of them says to his mate,.
"****in' hell,.. those truckies sure can spit!"
and the other guy says,.."little wonder did you see the size of the lips on the bastard!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's better to have sex with women over fifty because, they don't yell, they don't tell, they don't swell, and they are grateful as hell!!
==================================
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq...
Ruled by a dick.
==========================
"Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me,
and she wants to marry me."

"And you're asking my permission to marry her?"

"No, I'm asking you to make her leave me friggin alone."
====================

[bonyhadi]

A young couple were married and they were having sex all the time during
their honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust
their sex schedule to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they
would go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This
went on for months, never missing a day until the wife came down with a respiratory infection went to the doctor to get a course of antibiotics.
The shots & pills killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these
three germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their
survival plans.
One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I
don't think the antibiotics will find me there."
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't
think they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15
pulls out tonight, I'm gonna be on it."
==============================
What young people can learn from watching porn

1. Women very often wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted while masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with fear or embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy during sex.

11. People in the 70s couldn't have sex unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

12. Those breasts are common and are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't
disgusted!)

16. Many woman enjoy and seek double penetration. 7. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes,
the boyfriend won't bash you if you shove your penis in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's no reason or excuse (plot) needed to justify the gratuitous sex scenes.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a slaps on the butt.

21. Nurses desire to give oral sex to their patients.

22. Men always pull out, in order to shower their love on the partner.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before taking on the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches...or periods, and are always ready.

25. When a woman is giving her partner oral sex, it's important for him to talk
dirty and insultingly to her.

26. Women like anal sex, and no one ever talks about being clean or unwanted consequences.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a penis in there.

29. Men don't have to beg or pay much attention to foreplay

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

31. The most common sexual positions are ones which would show the most to a camera.

32. Women like to switch partners during sex, and all women are bi-sexual and like to do anything with anybody.

33. Make up your own.
===========================

[CobraDan]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very
small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed
by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".



A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
children while they drew. She would occasionally walk
around to see each child's work. As she got to one little
girl who was working diligently, she asked what
the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing
God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows
what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking
up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a
minute."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy
Father and thy mother," she asked, "is there a
commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."



An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her
parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but
three girls helped me catch him."



One day a little girl was sitting and watching
her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several
strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on
her brunette head. She looked at her mother and
inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your
hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every
time that you do something wrong and make me cry
or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The little girl thought about this revelation
for while and then said, Momma, how come ALL of
grandma's hairs are white?"



A three-year-old went with his dad to see a
litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly
informed his mother that there were two boy
kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his
mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked
underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the
bottom."



The children had all been photographed, and the
teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a
copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grownup
and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's
Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of
the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation
of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
"Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know,
would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
"Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am
standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into
my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't
empty."

[CobraDan]

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow
into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"

[CobraDan]

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about birth pain. How much will child birth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"ike ish?"
"No. A little more..."
"hike ish oowww?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"Ummmha yahhh ooww."
"Now stretch your lip over your head!"

[CobraDan]

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan all them
kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan all the kids to copulate me."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I
want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother
to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run
over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He
treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in
football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to
graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up
alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then
line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don
King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison
for
three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color
photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my
name, I can still find my clothes."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of
heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the
morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach
Jim
Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby,
and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a
player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're
spending too much time on one subject."

[CobraDan]

MODERN FINANCIAL TERMS, EXPLAINED:

EBIT -- earnings before irregularities and tampering.

CEO -- chief embezzlement officer.

CFO -- corporate fraud officer.

NAV -- normal Anderson valuation.

P/E -- parole entitlement.

EPS -- eventual prison sentence.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement
causing an investor to mistake himself for a
financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18-month period when
the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry,
and the husband gets no sex.

------------------------

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

------------------------

A blonde in her fourth freshman year at UCLA,
sat in her U.S. Government Class, when the
professor asked her if she knew what the Roe vs.
Wade decision was.

She sat there for quite a while pondering this
very profound question and finally sighed and said,
"I think that is the decision George Washington
made prior to crossing the Delaware!"

[CobraDan]

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Marie didn't get pregnant again." Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Marie with me."

[CobraDan]

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

[CobraDan]

GETTING INTO HEAVEN
Thought for the day
Who knew it was so simple.



Asking the children in my Sunday School class, "If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money
to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO"! the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat
and tidy, would I get into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was "NO"!

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out,
"You gotta be dead"!

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of
his young players, "Do
you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded
yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called,
or you are out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire. Do you understand all
that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
explain it to your mother."

-----------------
Two guys are in a locker room after their
racquetball game when one guy
notices the other has a cork in his rectum.

"If you don't mind me saying," said the second,
"that cork looks terribly
uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach
and I tripped over an oil
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man
in a turban came oozing
out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you
one wish."

And I said, "No ****."

------------
He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is
very light.

He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and
found out he was the sap.

There are times he has something on his mind -- he
wears a hat occasionally.

His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood.

The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he
can rack his brains.

If you want the real dope about anything, go to the
real dope -- HIM!

He bought a topless bathing suit for his
half-sister.

A traffic judge asked him, Have you ever been up
before me?" And he said,
"I don't know, what time do you get up?"

Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help
her up. His mother
warned him against having anything to do with fallen
women.

He's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn't
know what to feed them.

He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game,
because he heard the
Lions were playing the Tigers.

He called it quits when his fourth child was born,
because he read that
every fifth child born is Chinese!

He won't let his daughter go to college because he
heard that sthe students
have to show their professors their thesis.

The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party,
he asked who the caterer
was.

When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for
a sandwhich?" he said
"Let's see the sandwhich

------------------
He's so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat.

He's never slept with his wife. He says it isn't
honorable to sleep with a
married woman.

He's so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a
British T.V. station.

He's so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are
appointed by the Pope.

He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the
newspaper. He says it's no
use -- his dog can't read.

He still hasn't bought an electric toothbrush. He
doesn't know if his teeth
are AC or DC.

He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard
someone say, "Let's grab his
seat when he gets off."

He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every
twenty minutes. He said,
"What a glutton for punishment, that guy!"

-------------------
Funny Jokes: Big Date
Emily, I don't know what to do, "Gloria said to her
friend at work. "That
good-looking Bill in accounting asked me out for
Saturday night. Should I
go?"
"Oh, my God, "her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you,
dine you and then use
any ruse to get you to his apartment. Then he'll rip
off your dress and
you'll have fantastic sex."

"Well, what should I do?" she asked.

"Wear an Old dress."

----------------
Beautiful Grammar Lesson

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful"
in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it."

Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully," he
said. Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last
night, at the dinner table,
my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and
he said, "Oh that's
beautiful, just beautiful!"

--------------
Fishing Trip
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment - the reels,
the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car,
and even a cabin in the
woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch
anything. The same thing
happens on the second day, and on the third day. It
goes on like this until
finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of
the rednecks finally
catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other
and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish
we caught cost us fifteen
hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we
didn't catch any more!"

------------------

Spelling
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with
magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been
proudly displayed for all to
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he
bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three
magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on
his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put
them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom
happily thought that the
Catholic education is certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell
zilla?"

--------------
Kindergarten Smarts
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the
class of five-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was
the most famous man who
ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss,
it was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put
his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
Andrew." The teacher replied,
"I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised
his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus
Christ." The teacher said,
"That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and
I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said
"You know Hymie, you
being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ," to which Hymie
replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was
Moses, but business is
business."

[CobraDan]

A couple take on an 18 year old college girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the local bar for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young girl didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:"Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why?," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said,............"but the darts team hadn't!"

[Roscoe]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[CobraDan]

There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable
for
use:

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them @#$%ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$%'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,
1999

And . . . drum roll . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad." - Osama bin
Laden,

[CobraDan]

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy
named Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the
foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to
answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting
into a dispute.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains?
Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time use the number 99.

" Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he drew
and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?

" Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty
tree' n dirty tree-dat's 99."

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so
he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes
a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go,Mac, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you
think that represents 100!"

New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the
trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each of dem trees,
so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a
turd --
which makes one hundred. Bada boom, bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"

[Gordon Claunch]

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.

"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a
penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the
community?"

The lawyer replied: "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with
medical bills several times her annual income?"

"Um, no," mumbled the director.

"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director
began to stammer out an apology.

"Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"

The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea."

"So," said the lawyer, "if I don't give any money to them, why would I
give any to you?"

[CobraDan]

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie, throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do you."
Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"
Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me, 'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"

[CobraDan]

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking her over carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet!"

[CobraDan]

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him
and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and
asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in
your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the young guy,
then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure." The
young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to
a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and
some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a
150-page report on his hi-tech turned around to our shepherd and said, "You
have here exactly 1,586 sheep!" "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed,
you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the shepherd said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd. "That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?" "Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about my business because you just took my dog.