Joke of the Day...

[Hotfingrs]

>
> >The famous Olympic skier, Picabo Street,
> >pronounced (Peak'aboo), is not just an athlete.
> >She is also a nurse and currently works at the
> >Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
> >hospital.
> >
> >She is no longer permitted to answer the
> >telephone at her work station however because
> >it caused too much confusion. When she would
> >answer the phone, she would say...
> >
> >"Picabo, ICU"

[CobraDan]

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife......

"Back off!" she shouted,

"They're for the funeral."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[bonyhadi]

What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
"Your face, or mine?"
===========================================
Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his Mom.
He said "My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause."
=========================================
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
============================================
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in
bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.
I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the
time. The only problem was the television set was old and would just
shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on
the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal.
A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery.
I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered
the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?
My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
==========================================
After returning from his honeymoon with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi
stopped in his New York neighborhood barber shop to say hello to his
friends. Giovanni said,

"Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep."
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi," asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station.
My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and
cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'a forward to da trip.
All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, No eat in
dese'a car.
Must'a use'a dining car.
So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a
lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, No drink'a in dese'a
car. Must'a use'a club'a car.' So we go to club'a car.
While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a
car. Must'a go to smoker car."
We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar".
"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to
bed.
We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through
yelling "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA. "
Mama Mia ! Atza louzy Trip !!
========================================
A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of
gas hoping to make out.
She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and
she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it.
He said he had to pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a
match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there.
There was a big explosion and she called out to him "Honey, help me
find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said "Hell with that.
Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"
================================================
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy
Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites
him in."Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby
replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to the
drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out
and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes
as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy
Sue's father,"Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night
if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he
has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue
comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation,Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is
saying "Have a good evening kids,"with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
=================================================
How to tell you have a ^*#*UP Lawyer
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation
marks in the air with his fingers.
11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since
2:25 PM."
12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with
the little hammer, right?"
=====================================
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named
No Cum Tu.
For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No
Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.
However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it
How Cum U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!
========================================
Ted: "I see you bought a new car. What's the make?"
Blondie Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "A what?"
Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "I've never heard of a Perndle before."
Sue: "Me either, but that's what it says, right over the steering
wheel."
Ted: "It says *what* over the steering wheel?"
Sue: "The name of the car. It's spelled out, right above the steering
wheel and right beneath the speedometer: P-R-N-D-L."
=================================
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Did you hear about the blonde that gave the guy a blowjob while he was
driving?
They both fell off the motorcycle
======================================
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits
the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please,"
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says
I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again."
The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the
man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
==========================================

[bonyhadi]

What Your HOROSCOPE Really Means

AQUARIUS: JAN 20 - FEB 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because
you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ****ing jerk.

PISCES: FEB 19 - MAR 20
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do
nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

ARIES: MAR 21 - APR 19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dip****.

TAURUS: ARP 20 - MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: JUNE 21 - JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That
is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a cancer.

LEO: JULY 23 - AUG 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are all idiots. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother ****ers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO: AUG 23 - SEPT 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while ****ing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: SEPT 23 - OCT 21
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: OCT 22 - NOV 21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack
of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpios live in fear of assault by the mob.

SAGUTARUS: NOV 22 - DEC 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians
are drunks. You are a worthless piece of ****.

CAPRICORN: DEC 22 - JAN 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken****. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
You should withdraw from society.
=============================

[Hotfingrs]

>Subject: cleaners
> >
> >An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft
> >as a Lavatory cleaner. The manager there arranges for an
> >aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping offices) After the
> >test, the manager says: You will be paid $30 per day. Let me
> >have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to
> >complete and advise you where to report for work on your
> >first day.
> >Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither
> >in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To
> >this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means
> >that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect
> >to be employed.
> >Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only
> >having about $10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes
> >at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the
> >tomatoes singly at 100% profit.
> >Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up
> >with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus
> >it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living
> >selling tomatoes.
> >Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later
> >and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short
> >time.
> >Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several
> >dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly
> >afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is
> >the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of
> >several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
> >Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to
> >buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks
> >an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of
> >the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail
> >address in order that he might forward the documentation.
> >When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
> >stunned: What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have
> >you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail
> >and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by
> >now, if you had been connected from the very start!
> >After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: Sure!
> >I would have been a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft!
> >Morals of the story:
> >The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
> >Get e-mail, if you want to be a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft.
> >If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a
> >millionaire.
> >Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably
> >closer to becoming a lavatory cleaner than you are to becoming
> >a millionaire.
> >If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken
> >to the cleaners by Microsoft.
> >
> >

[Dwight]

One day a guy won the lottery but after he had paid his taxes he only had about $300,000 left. Knowing that this was not a lot by today’s standards, he decided to invest his winnings and increase his wealth. After reading a number of books and magazines and talking to a number of wealthy men, he decided to open a brothel.
First he bought an old three-story building and had it remodeled. Next he hired a madam and a doorman, finally he hired the working girls. Wanting to appeal to a wide variety of men the guy decided that his women should vary as much as possible. On the first floor of the business he put housewives, for the average guys; on the second floor were models for the men looking for beauty, and on the third floor schoolteachers for those guys looking for intellectual stimulation. Believing that he now had everything covered he opened his business.
After a few months in business the man decided to examine the books to see how things were going. Profits looked good but he realized that the women on the third floor were making twice as much money as the women on the other floors combined. Wanting to increase his profits on the first and second floors the man decided to do a little investigating and so he disguised himself as a customer and proceeded.
The first night the man showed up at his business and requested one of his first floor girls. The Madam instructed him to proceed down the hall and knock on the first door. A sweet-voiced woman invited him in. Once in the room the housewife told him that she had only two rules for doing business. First he must remove his shoes so as not to track up her floor and second he needed to fold his clothes and put them neatly on a chair. The brothel owner found that the woman seemed to be good at her job and her rules not too unpleasant, but he still needed to check on the other floors.
On the second night the man again entered the brothel, but this time asked for one of the most beautiful women in the place. The Madam smiled and sent him up the stairs to the second floor. Again he approached the appropriate door and knocked. Again a pleasant voice asked him to come in. Once inside the room the man observed the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting at a dressing table combing her hair. She looked back over her shoulder at him and told him that she had two rules for doing business. First he must not mess up her makeup and second he must not muss her hair. Even though the lady’s rules were somewhat difficult to follow, the brothel owner was still quite happy with his service but knew that he still needed to visit the third floor.
Finally, on the third night, the brothel owner approached the Madam and asked if there was possibly a woman available who might be able to talk with him intelligently after sex. He said that he was a college professor and found intellectual stimulation important to his overall enjoyment of a sexual encounter. The Madam smiled and instructed the man take the elevator to the third floor. Once more the man knocked on the appropriate door and again was instructed to enter by a very pleasant voice. Once inside the room the man saw a very plain woman. She wore no make up, her dress was very modest, she had eyeglasses, which sat on the end of her nose, and her hair was pulled tightly back into a bun. The women looked at him over her glasses and instructed. “Young man I have but one rule here. You will have to do this until you get it right.”

[Hotfingrs]

>
> >A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
> >apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with
> >anyone, not even each other.
> >The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his
> >father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the
> >success of my marriage."
> >His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"
> >"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet,
> >and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
> >"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often
> >as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this
> >seemed a workable solution.
> >The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem
> >with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my
> >breath is truly awful."
> >"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
> >morning."
> >"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid
> >that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
> >Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and
> >head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy
> >eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
> >say a word until you'vebrushed your teeth."
> >"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
> >"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
> >"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
> >The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each
> >had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning
> >silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months
> >later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start
> >to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the
> >consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes
> >his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
> >"Oh, my god," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
> >

[Hotfingrs]

>
> >Too Late
> >The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
> >walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
> >policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
> >"I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture
> >at this hour?" the cop asked.
> >"My wife," said the man.
> >

[Hotfingrs]

>
> >Let's go for stupid
> >A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
> >couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
> >these turkeys get any bigger?"
> >The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
> >

[bonyhadi]

You know you are old when it takes you all night to do what you used to
do all night long.
=======================

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a virgin bride.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The
doctor told her that would cost around $500, but there was another way
that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor
worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him
that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She
asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
==========================
In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully
designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural
populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of
condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to
faithfully practice these techniques.

The following year, the program was declared a complete failure; the
birth rate had actually increased.

The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey
revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following
the birth control techniques; 79% of the men were taking the pill every
day, and 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index
fingers before sex - just as demonstrated on TV.
===============================
One night this guy was waiting in line to get in the movies. The guy
behind him was pushing and shoving up against him. Several times he told
the guy to get lost, each time a little less politely. Finally he turned
around and said, "Look, buddy, if you don't stop pushing me, I'm going
to shove my umbrella straight up your ass!"

The other guy said, "Oh, yeth, pleathe, and then open it thlowly!"
================================

Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa

Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I
hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here
by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up
your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and
MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And
what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an
advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If
you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie
****************************************
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One
burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to
squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
============================================
Yesterday scientists at a major university revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100 per cent of them gained weight, talked incessantly
without making sense, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.
================================
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son

in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she
said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him
put his hand in my pocket?"
================================
It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his
eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were
supposed to?"
"Hibernate? **** Ma, I thought you said masturbate!"
=================================

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an elephant?
Elephants eventually forget.

If Tarzan and Jane were Polish, what would Cheetah be?
The smartest of the three.
========================================

[bonyhadi]

The newly wed wife said to her husband when he returned from work: "I
have great news for you. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this
house instead of two."
The husband started glowing with happiness and kissing his wife said:
"Oh darling, I'm the happiest man in the world."
But then she said: "I'm glad that you feel this way because tomorrow
morning my mother moves in with us."
===========================================
Viagara is now available in liquid form.
FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug, Viagara,
in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name
"Mydixadrill."
Now, when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour
themselves a stiff one.
======================================
John was a crotchety old fellow who always took breakfast with his
wife.
He would read the morning paper while she fumed at his neglect, and
today of all days because it was their 25th wedding anniversary.
She fumed, "John! John!! Put down that paper and let's talk about how
we are going to celebrate our wedding anniversary today.
What do you suggest?"
John put his newspaper down, removed and polished his glasses, stared
for a moment into the distance, then said, "How about two minutes of
silence?"
=====================================
That outfit you are wearing is very becoming on you. But if you
wore me I'd be cumming on you too.
==========================================
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand
onto her *****. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does
without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she
says.
So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she
says,
"Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire
hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of
me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands",
commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says, "See, I told you I had a tight *****!".
=============================
What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Introduce herself.
------------------------
What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
=======================================

There were three buddies talking at lunch about the night before. The
first guy says, "Man, we drank way too much. I got out of the cab and
barfed all over the front lawn. Boy, was the wife ever pissed."

The second guy says, "That's nothing, I was so drunk I drove the car
right through the back of the garage. I didn't even know it until I
came out this morning to go to work."

The third guy says, "You guys don't know what drunk is. I came home
last night and I blew chunks."

The first guy says, "I told you I threw up all over the place."

The third guy says, "You don't understand, Chunks is my dog."
============================
Ode To Big Boobs

I love to suck a great big tit
Inch by inch, bit by bit
I love to see her big breasts bare
They make my cum fly through the air!!
Oh goodness gracious! what big boobs!
They make my cum spurt out in goobs
Their great to lick and suck, not to mention titty-futz!!
They say that having such big boobs
Are really just a waste
But it takes more than just a mouthful
To get the greatest taste!!
===========================

Ben wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla perched in a tree near his
bedroom window. Shocked, he calls the local animal control officer who
transfers his call to an exotic animal specialist.
Ben explains the situation, and the specialist asks,
"Is the gorilla male or female?"
"A male, I think," says Ben.
"Okay, I'll be right over to take care of him," the specialist says.
A few minutes later, the specialist arrives with a Chihuahua, a club,
handcuffs and a shotgun.
The specialist explains his plan to Ben: "I'll climb up to the gorilla
and knock him out of the tree with the club. When the gorilla hits the
ground, the Chihuahua will run over and try to bite him in the crotch.
The gorilla will then cross his hands over his vitals to cover them.
That's your cue to slap the cuffs on him. Got it?"
"Sure. But what's the shotgun for?" Ben asks.

"If the gorilla knocks me out of the tree,
use it to shoot the Chihuahua!"
===================
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant.
After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check.
To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say,
"I'll pay it!" and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:

"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY."

[CobraDan]

A Floridian, a New Yorker and a Canadian are in a bar one night having a beer. The New Yorker drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In New York our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from the same one twice".
The Canadian [obviously impressed by this] drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the glass to pieces.
He says, "In Canada we have so much sand to make the glasses that we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either".
The Floridian, cool as a cucumber, picks up his beer and drinks
it, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the New Yorker and the Canadian. He says, "In Florida we have so many New Yorkers and Canadians that we don't need to drink with the same ones twice".

[CobraDan]

A man walked into the ladies' department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?"inquires the man, "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras," she replied.
Confused, the man asked what the types were. The saleslady replied, "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused, the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple...the Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army typelifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."

[Hotfingrs]

I recently picked a new primary care physician.
> > After two visits and
> > exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly
> > well" for my age.
> > A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
> > resist asking him,
> > "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
> > He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink
> > beer?"
> > "Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."
> > Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and
> > bar-b-qued ribs?
> > I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very
> > unhealthy!"
> > "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
> > playing golf?" he asked.
> > "No I don't," I said.
> > He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool
> > around with sexy
> > women(men)?",
> > "No," I said, "I've never done any of those
> > things."
> > He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you
> > want to live to be 80??"
>

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: stupid hints
> >
> >
> >Stupid Hint #1 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
> >pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is
> >almost instantly removed.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #2 Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
> >someone else to hold them while you chop away Stupid Hint #3 Don't buy
> >expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of
> >frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #4 Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl
> >makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #5 An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes
> >a wonderful inexpensive vibrator.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #6 Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
> >seat by simply pissing in the sink.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #7 High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and
> >bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
> >
> >Stupid Hint #8 A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will
> >prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
> >

[Hotfingrs]

Q. What is the purpose of the male body?

A. A life support system for a penis.

Thought for the Day: After a certain age, if you don't wake up
aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Q. What's the only thing divorce proves?

A. Whose mother was right in the first place

Thought for the Day: There is no woman you don't want to have sex
with, just some you don't want anyone to know you had sex with.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant a little like making a
peeing section in a swimming pool?

Golf IS the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you end up praying a
lot

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy; My wife is furious.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's
only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as everyone else, they
should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit
smoking kill people.

[bonyhadi]

One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. Angry, she became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. When brought before the court on charges of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. "Well, your honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could
****, he could fly."
==================================

There is a new study out about women. I thought
these results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big.......

10% of women think their ass is too little......

The other 5% say that they don't care, they love
him and would have married him anyway.


================================
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
=====================================
Three blondes had just bought a can of Pepsi One and were anxious to
try it for the first time.

So the first blonde opens the can, the second blonde pours it into
three glasses.

The third blonde eyes the three glasses suspiciously and says "I wonder
which one has the calorie?"
================================================== ====================
Why do blondes put rulers on their foreheads?
They want to measure their intelligence.

Why do blondes stand under light bulbs?
It's the closest they'll come to a bright idea.
================================================== ====================
Curly's Classic Joke Of The Day!

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father
says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a ****?"

Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating
it."

Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a
****?"

Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a
eating it, it's-a so good."

Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay
so slim-a and-a trim-a."

Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a *****."

Poppa says, "*****? *****, that's-a taste like ****!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

[bonyhadi]

True But Strange Sex Facts

Largest erect penis: 13" Smallest erect: 1.75"

The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight the end of their penises to enlongate them sometimes to such a degree that the men
literally have to knot them up.

In 1609 a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with 2 penises. Since then, there have been 80 documented cases of men w/
the same.

During foreplay, a woman's breast can increase in up to 25%.

The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2".

In the 1950s, it was found out that 75% of men cum within 2 minutes of penetration, with the orgasm lasting no longer than a few
seconds. The longest documented for a women is one minute.

Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18 year old couples make love an average of 3 times a night, every night, until they're in their 30s,
when the weekly average drops to a mere 14.

The maximum speed at which the erotic sensations travel from the skin to the brain has been clocked 156 MPH.

Women are 30% more sexually active during a full moon, and the most common love making time in the US is 11:00pm.

Intercourse peaks in July.

Except for the 1/2 dozen men who've shown up in emergency rooms over the years because they got too intimate with a vacuum cleaner,
women are the more creative auto-eroticists, and they masturbate most frequently when in a stable relationship. Women are also better
self-starters. 60% claiming to have discovered orgasm on their own, as opposed to only 25% of men.

Castrated men live an average of 13 years longer than those not castrated. And nuns live longest of all.
================================================== ===========A couple got married, where the groom was 91 and the bride was
23. The groom looked pretty feeble and had the feeling that the
wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy,
vivacious young woman.

But, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop
in the hotel where their honeymoon happened.
The clerk looked really concerned,
"What happened to you, honey?
You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh G-d! He told me he'd been saving up for 72 years,
and I thought he meant his money."
=====================

Blue Smile Gag
http://www.goofyfun.com/1/bluesmile.htm

(LOL Very Cute Hun!)
======================================

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married, settled down in their old neighborhood and were celebrating their
fiftieth wedding anniversary. They walked down the street to their old school.

There, they held hands as they found the old desk they had shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home,
an armored car passes by and a bag of money falls practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do
with it so they take it home. When they arrive home she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars. The husband says, "We've
got to give it back."

Sally says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men who are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money show up at their home. They say,
"Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband says, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI agent looks at his partner and says, "We're done. Let's go."
================================================

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After
the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure,
haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair. "I'm goin' to
buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be
back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't
returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten
all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took
me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free
haircut!'"

===============================================
What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating *****?
At least when you're eating ***** you can see the asshole in front
of you.
===================================
Two Swedish housemaids are having their pictures taken.

The first one asks, "Why is he lookin' at us like that?"

The second replies, "He's got to focus."

"Oh no," says the first one, "you tell him he has to take the picture
first."
======================================
What's black & white and tells the pope to **** OFF?
A nun that's just won the lottery.

Did you hear about the new course you can take at school?
Yes, Intercourse....you go between periods and you are expected to
come.
====================================
The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress. The girl agrees,
and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie and a nosh they are parked in lover's lane. He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her
dress. She stops him once, twice and three times. He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the
back of my dress, and it's the second hole you come to!"
===============================
SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way
to the bottom, while getting a raise.
==========================================
Two weeks ago, after giving my lover the best analingus he ever had, he gasped how wonderful it was and that he came so hard he felt
some pain.

Six hours later, he called me from the emergency ward. Turns out that during that incredible orgasm, the pain he felt was the pull of a
groin muscle and one of his testicles had swollen to the size of a small orange.
He was out of work for two days and, only three days ago, was able to put away the cane he needed to walk with.
Today he told me he is still unable to masturbate, but he's still quite proud that I'm the only woman who has ever given him a sex injury.
==============================================
One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and
muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around. As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on
the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over. He headed up the stairs, stepping
over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.
He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?".
She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?".
"Yes.", was his reply.
She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!".
============================

[bonyhadi]

Bob goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.
Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out
and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
Bob farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."
Bob thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down.
This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells,
"Dammit Spot, get down before he ****s on you."
====================================
A prominent television writer was being ministered to by a talented prostitute. She was giving him a total body tongue job, more
commonly known as a trip around the world. At the same time he was arguing on the telephone with a collaborator over a plot twist on a
new television
drama on which they were working jointly. The argument got so heated that the prostitute looked up from her work and complained,
"Damn it, man, argue on your own time!" The writer bellowed into the phone, "We're going to do it my way!"

And then he turned to the girl. "And you... you keep a civil tongue in my ass!"
-------------------------------------
A blonde walks up to a guy on the beach in a blue bathing suit and says,
"Did you know your eyes match your swim trunks?"

He says, "Why? Are my eyes bulging?"
===============================
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little
kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a
start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. "It's
not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm
eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the
connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly.

"That's my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week I've sold 34
cats."
================================================== ==
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamic young preacher
raised himself to full height, leaned over the pulpit and boomed,
"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed
adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
===========================================
Used to be, if someone was weaving all over the road, he was drunk.
Now, he is probably just on the cell phone.
===================================
Marketing

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You go up to
her and say "Hi, I'm great in bed, how about it?".

That's DIRECT MARKETING.

You go to a party and you see a sexy girl across the room. You give your
friend a tenner. He goes up and says "Hi, my friend over there is great
in bed, how about it?".

That's ADVERTISING.

You go to a party, you see a sexy girl across the room. She comes over
and says, "Hi, I hear you're great in bed, how about it?"

Now, that's THE POWER OF BRANDING!
=====================================
Q. What did the blonde say while watching the porn movie?
A. "There I am!"
-------------------------------
Pleasing

A man and his new bride took great pride in never having had illicit sex
with each other prior to their wedding. In fact, they had never even
seen each other naked until that day.

As the woman was getting undressed, the man stood and watched, enjoying
the sight for the first time. As the woman stood naked in her glory, she
told him that it was now his turn. Slowly he removed his tie, and shirt.

Then he took of his trousers and socks. Finally, he lowered his boxers.

The woman, staring in shock, could not believe how tiny he was.

"Just whom are you supposed to please with that little thing?" she
cried.

The man smiled and proudly replied, "Me!"
====================
Bob: Did you ever have a pet name for your ex?
Jim: Hmmm! Does "Asshole" count?
********************************************
Q. What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
A. They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
======================================
"I married a younger man. Five years younger than I am. I figure it like this: If you can't find a good man, raise one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the headwaiter, "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up.
"I happen to be Gregory R. Carutheres, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Johnson came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the other admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Johnson."

"Good! I'll take it. The President isn't coming!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..." Written just below it "I do not"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"No need for me to come out to the house," the doctor told the worried caller. "I've checked my files and your uncle isn't really ill at all - he just thinks he's sick."
A week later, the doctor telephoned to make sure his diagnosis had been correct. "How's your uncle today?" he asked.
"Worse," came the reply. "Now he thinks he's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Late one night a woman was walking home when a man grabbed her and dragged her into the bushes. "Help me!
Help me!" she screamed. "I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed, slut!" her attacker interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker as he unzipped his jeans. "If you're screwing me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How women could want sex less often than Oreos, right there and then, shows why our society is in such a state of disarray and chaos. Frankly I personally find it
disgusting.
How normally fine , moral women, turn into sleazy cream craving lunatics is beyond me. What makes them crave the Oreo so much??? Well Duh, they are better
than men.
What makes them better than men???

10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.

9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.

8. They are always good.

7. They go away when you want them too.

6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.

5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.

4. It's always fun to swallow.

3. They never talk.

2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.

1. The creamy white stuff tastes good
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only lawyers get to be judges, and that's the (F)LAW!
=====================================
What It Really Means

Most bachelors have been the victims of a blind date.
Numerous well meaning friends and relatives are always
willing to "fix up" unsuspecting bachelors with girls whom
they describe as "perfect for you."

However, from the description given, it is difficult to imagine
what these girls may be like. After considerable research, as
a public service, I have attempted to translate some of these
descriptive phrases into plain English:

Dandy little house keeper:
She has been married three times and kept all the houses.

Fine character:
She's ugly.

Knows how to handle money:
She's a spendthrift and great at spending yours.

Spotless reputation:
She's ugly.

Strong family ties:
She's a Mafia Princess.

Loves children:
She's pregnant and needs a husband.

Wonderful personality:
She's fat.

Great sense of humor:
She's fat and will laugh at anything you say.

The outdoor type:
She hunts, fishes, chews tobacco, and shaves just like the guys.

Ready to settle down:
She's thirty-five, in a state of panic, and dying to marry.

Likes to have a good time:
She gets drunk a lot.

Lots of fun at parties:
Often makes an ass of herself.

Mature woman:
She's at least thirty but looks at least forty-five.

Has the appearance of a young school girl:
She's at least thirty-three but dresses like a teenager.

Casual:
She dresses like a slob.

Decorated her own place:
Her apartment resembles a pig sty.

A great dancer:
She'll wear the soles right off your shoes.

Not overly emotional:
She cries only twenty-seven times a day.

Doesn't chase men:
She's more of a mousetrap or a black widow spider type.

Seldom dates:
She's a lesbian who needs a male escort for something.

Understands men:
She's been married and divorced four times.

A good sport:
She knows two hundred jokes and can drink you under the table.

Looks and dresses like a model:
She's five eleven and weighs seventy three pounds.

Been in show business:
She's a former porn movie star.

Traveled a lot:
She's searched high and low for a husband.

Knows a lot of interesting people:
None of whom would marry her.

Wonderful disposition:
She's ugly.
=========================

[CobraDan]

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you.