Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.
As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead *****."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common."

[bonyhadi]

The Jewish Parrot


Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home along Delancy Street one day wishing something wonderful
would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish,
"Quawwwwk...vus machts du?" (How're ya doin') "Yeah, du." (Yeah,you.)

Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn't believe it.

The proprietor urged him, "Come in here, fella, and check out this parrot..." Meyer did.

An African Grey cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?" (What? Can you speak
Yiddish?) In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars down on the counter and carried
the parrot in his cage away with him.

All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father's adventures coming to
America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was when she was a young bride. About his family. About
his years of working in the garment district.

About Florida. The parrot listened and commented. They shared some walnuts. The
parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.

Next morning, Meyer began to put on his tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to know
what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted some too. Meyer went out and had a
miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot. The parrot wanted to learn to daven (say prayers), and
learned every prayer.

He wanted to learn to read Hebrew. So Meyer spent weeks and months, sitting and teaching the parrot,
teaching him the Torah. In time, Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.

One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot
demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul (synagogue) was not place for a bird, but the parrot
made a terrific argument and was carried to Shul on Meyer's shoulder.

Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi
and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced
them to let him in this one time, swearing that parrot could daven.

Wagers were made with Meyer. Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not
speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.

All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and
song passed - Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder
and mumbling under his breath, "Daven!"

Nothing.

"Daven...parrot, you can daven, so daven...come on, everybody's looking at you!"

Nothing.

After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi
over four thousand dollars. He marched home, upset, saying nothing. Finally several blocks from the Temple
the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song and was happy as a lark.

Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird, you cost me over four thousand dollars. Why? After I
had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah.
And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? Why did you do this to me?"

"Meyer, don't be a schmuck," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"

[Hotfingrs]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks,
"will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well, she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then
he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and
how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

The father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with a newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the **** out of him
--

[bonyhadi]

Cold water

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded,
rural area of the state in which he lived. After spending the night, his
grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He
noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his
grandfather: "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can
get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburger his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a
substance that looked like dried egg yolks ...so he asked again: "Are
you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says: "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop
being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and
would not let him pass. "Granddad," the young man called, "your dog
won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the TV screen he had his eyes glued
to, his Grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, get out of the way."

[bonyhadi]

================================================
We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and a winning smile for integrity!
===================================
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen
drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, surprisingly enough, she readily agreed.

"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.

"Thirteen." she replied with a shy smile.

"Thirteen??? My God girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once and get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.

Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?".
===========================================
Types Of Women You Meet In The Powder Room

Indifferent
Rushes in, raises dress with a "whoop," pulls crotch of panties
aside and squats with great force, rattling windows and causing
breasts to bob up and down. Hums lively tunes and sounds like
a bucket of water being poured from a third story window.

Cautious
Has heard of so many girls contracting VD from toilet seats that
she straddles bowl, leans over to flush, pees on her nylons.

Worried
A week past due. Squats thoughtfully, counting days overdue on
fingers. Uses toilet paper, examines it hopefully. Peers into toilet
before flushing, sighing deeply. Walks out biting nails after forgetting
to wash hands. Resolves never to go to bed drunk again.

Conceited
Approaches toilet with undulating movements, giving the other girls
high-fives. Raises dress by fingertips. Expression while peeing indicates that such a lovely creature should not be
compelled to attend to such lowly duties. This type farts louder than a firecracker and stinks like a goat.

Sloppy
Skirt drags in toilet while squatting, pees all over front of toilet seat, never uses toilet paper, drags her business all over
seat, forgets to flush and emerges with back of skirt caught in pants.

Timid
Looks under stall door to see if anyone else is in the can, turns on faucet full force, backs up to toilet, squats quickly,
flushes for constant flow of water, coughs, hums, listens intently to learn if sound other than faucet can be heard. Ends
up with loud fart, walks out blushing.

Cross-Eyed
Sits on one cheek on the side of the seat and pees all over the floor.
Usually wears rubber boots on her visits to the can, and carries a box
of Kleenex in her purse.

Frivolous
Lets stream go in little squirts to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat."

Literary
Always takes book of the month to the can with her. Blames
"Forever Amber" for her piles.

Big Time
Always leaves toilet door open while she chats and brags to the other
girls about the guy she "had" last night. Shows girls her panties with
black lace edging and "Welcome" embroidered in the crotch. Has
never been to bed with a man.

Drunk
Wobbles to toilet. After several attempts, manages to raise dress.
Squats on toilet with shrieks of laughter, pees for awhile singing happy
little songs. Suddenly starts sobbing uncontrollably as she realizes that
she forgot to pull her panties down. Sighs, continues to pee and sob.
==================================================
In Need Of Assistance

"Is there a woman here in need of assistance ?" asked the
medic from the ambulance as he knocked on the door.

"Yes." replied the man opening the door. "It's my wife.
She has an electric vibrator lodged in her."

"Well, we'll have to transport her to the hospital." the medic
replied. "Those things can be tricky to remove."

"Never mind." said the husband. "We have an HMO which
doesn't allow Emergency Room visits except for life
threatening incidents. But for now, could you at least turn it
off? It's interfering with the TV."
=================================
Euphemisms For Impotence

1- A few parts shy of an erector set
2- Not rising to the level of impeachable offense
3- Disappointing Miss Daisy
4- Ascension Deficit Disorder
5- Bouncing the Check of Love
6- All Doled up with nowhere to go
7- Serving boneless pork
==============================

A man in his 40's goes in for a physical.
The doctor says "I have good news and I have bad news."
The man says, "Give me the bad news first."
Doc says, "There is a problem with your penis, you can only
get a few more erections, and then you won't have any more for
the rest of your life."
The man says, "What in the world is the good news?"
Doc says, "We know the number is exactly 25, so you can plan
your use of them accordingly."

The man leaves and drives around for a couple hours pondering
his situation, and how to confront his wife.
When he gets home he tells her,
"Honey, I have good news, and I have bad news."
She says, "Give me the good news."
He says, "I can only have 25 more erections,
and then I can't have any more, ever."
She says, "We can work around that, we will just make a list
and only use them when it is absolutely necessary to fulfill
our desires, and make the most out of each one,
what in the world is the bad news?"

He says, "I made a list, and you aren't on it.."
===============================
A woman goes into her accountants office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you
some questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number etc.
And then asks "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies "I'm a whore."

The accountant balks and says, "NO, no. no, That'll never
work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman "Okay, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that's still too crude, Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states,
"I'm a chicken farmer"

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have
to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year !"
============================

[Hotfingrs]

>Subject: The suit
> >
> >
> >When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand
> >was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he
> >had some very good news for him.
> >
> >"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly
> >suit we've had so long!"
> >
> >"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the
> >manager asked.
> >
> >"That's the one!"
> >
> >That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that
> >monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell
> >me. Why is your hand bandaged?"
> >
> >"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog
> >bit me

[bonyhadi]

Men What A Gas
http://www.angelfire.com/journal2/So...rit/Men/Gas.ht

=================
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A
little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink alcohol?"

"Oh no", I replied, "I've never done either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?

I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf or tennis?" he asked.

"No I don't," I said.

He said, "Do you shop and spend frivolously, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
men?",

"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80?"
===============
At age 47, the Rolling Stones' bassist, Bill Wyman,
began a relationship with 13-year old Mandy Smith,
with her mother's blessing. Six years later,
they were married, but the marriage only lasted a year.
Not long after, Bill's 30-year-old son Stephen
married Mandy's mother, age 46.
That made Stephen a stepfather to his former stepmother.
If Bill and Mandy had remained married,
Stephen would have been his father's father-in-law
and his own grandpa.
======================
A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator
and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.
>
"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage."Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in
my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."
==========================
A guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a
hooker.

He says, "How much?"

She says, "Twenty bucks."

He says, "All right."

They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night,
he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this
time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they
get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.

She says, "What's the extra five bucks for?"

He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
=====================

Q. What do oral sex and lobster thermidor have in common?
A. You can't get either at home
********************************************
Asian Vagina

A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental
courtesan. "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?" he
asks.

"Why?" she responds. "Are you a harmonica player?"
================================================== =====
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the
pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen, but can you cut each
one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you
through sex."

The gentleman said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past eighty years old,
and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out
far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
==============================

Somehow We Survived

You lived as a child in the 60s or the 70s. Looking back, it's hard to believe that we have lived as long as we have......

* As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

* Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our
bikes, we had no helmets (not to mention hitchhiking to town as a young kid!)

* We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. Horrors.

* We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a
few times we learned to solve the problem.

* We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. No cell
phones. Unthinkable.

* We played dodgeball and sometimes the ball would really hurt.

* We got cut and broke bones and broke teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame but us. Remember
accidents?

* We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

* We ate cupcakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar soda but we were never overweight.........we were always outside playing. We shared one grape soda
with four friends, from one bottle and no one
died from this?

* We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X Boxes, video games at all, 99 channels on cable, video tape movies, surround sound, personal cellular phones,
personal computers, Internet chat rooms, ............... we had friends. We went outside and found them. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's home and knocked
on the door, or rung the bell or just walked in and talked to them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world!
Without a
guardian. How did we do it?

* We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the
worms live inside us forever.

* Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.....

* Some students weren't as smart as others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat the same grade.....Horrors.

* Tests were not adjusted for any reason.

* Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. No one to hide behind.

* The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law, imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years has been an explosion of innovation and
new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to. And you're one of them.

[CobraDan]

Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did
when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
yell.
Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement"
in January, it became necessary for Nancy to get a full-time job, both for
extra income and for health benefits that we need. She was a trained
medical transcriptionist when we met twenty-eight ears ago and was
fortunate to land a job at a local transcription house.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or
hunting about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an
hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this
happens.
Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as
young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get
supper on the table.
She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is
now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does
seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.
Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger, Nancy
used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not get tired. Now
that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she
says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a
big issue of this. _As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening
I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I need something
ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that,I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This
gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like
shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to gut
and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace. Nancy is starting to complain a
little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to
notice.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to
pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I
continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also
remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her
any, if you know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods
than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take
a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I over look
comments like these because I realize it's just age talking. In fact, I try notto embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her
to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and
just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for
herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I know
that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Nancy on a daily
basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration
is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No
one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get
older.
My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the
effort.
I realize that achieving the exemplary level of showing consideration I
have attained is out of reach for the average man. However, guys, even if you
just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I
will consider that writing it was worthwhile.
P.S. Bob's funeral was on Saturday, June 15th.
Nancy was acquitted Monday, June 17th.





_

[Hotfingrs]

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
************************************************** *************************
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
************************************************** *************************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
************************************************** *************************
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus-stop and offered everyone
waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
************************************************** *************************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
************************************************** *************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again."
--

[Hotfingrs]

Joe pulled over the car by the side of the road and
> > showed Kevin where he'd
> > first had sex.
> >
> > "It was right down there by that tree. I remember
> > the day
> > plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so
> > much in love. We walked
> > down to the tree and made love for hours," Joe
> > recalled.
> >
> > "That sounds wonderful," said Kevin.
> >
> > "Yes, It was OK until I looked up and noticed her
> > mother
> > was standing right there watching us."
> >
> > "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw
> > you making love to her
> > daughter?".....
> >
> > "Baaaaaaa." said Joe.

[Hotfingrs]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

[CobraDan]

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
Trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 71 and 75, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 75, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 12 and 92 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

[CobraDan]

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father Ken, I
kinda took a leetle lumber from dat new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son"?
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time.
I'm 'fraid someone will break dey laig, so I fix de hole. "
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to
get outta de wether, so I make him his own leetle doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left.
So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place
to get outta de wether either, so I make her
a two car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a leetle lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two
bedrooms and a new bat'room."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going
to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father...But, if you got de plans, I got de lumber."
WOW!!!!!!

[bonyhadi]

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
========================================
Big John, a huge lumberjack, goes to the dentist with a terrific
toothache. The dentist checks him over and says "That tooth has to
come out. Do you want gas or novocain?"
Big John says "Just pull the damn thing, Doc I don't want anything".
The dentist says "You'd better have something the pain will be
intolerable".
Big John says "Doc, I've only felt pain twice in my life".
The dentist says "Tell me about it".
Big John tells the dentist he was in the woods on a snowy winter day and he had to take a terrific dump, so he dropped his pants and
squatted. He didn't realize he was squatting over a bear trap and the trap snapped shut on his balls. He said he felt real pain.
The dentist asked him when he felt pain for the second time and
Big John said "When I got to the end of the chain!"
==========================================
A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital,
said, "Hello,darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's
name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh,yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came
back asnormal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is
going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank G-d! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic,darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me ****!"
==============================================
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to December.
Females retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had
to be a girl. We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and
not get lost.
=========================================
My neighbour found out her Schnauzer dog could hardly hear so
she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet
told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's
ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
==============================================
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father
charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job.
My father charges only twenty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."


Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer."
===========================================
At a Gynecologist convention in Switzerland two gynecologists were talking. One from France says "There was a woman in my office
yesterday with a clitoris like a watermelon."

Another one from England says, "That's impossible, if she had a
clitoris the size of a watermelon she couldn't walk."

The one from France responded, "You English, always thinking
about size. I was talking about taste."
=========================================
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no
money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."
============================================
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR

The patient before you was a goat.

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."

Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.

Mike Wallace and the '60 Minutes' film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

His diploma is from Salsa University in Uganda

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
============================
The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the defendant if he
had anything to say.

"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner.
"But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that asshole lawyer of mine, you
can give me a year or two extra."
===========================
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so
desperate that she decides to ask G-d for help. She begins to pray...

"G-d, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays ..."G-d, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My G-d, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I
don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Brandi is confronted by the voice of G-d Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
============================

[bonyhadi]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the
champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww
- what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?"
she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
=========================
SENIOR MOMENT
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it
very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you
give to someone you love? His friends replies, "A Carnation??" "No. No. The other one" the man says. His friend offers another
suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?''
================================================== =====
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years
when one day the old woman died.
The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave
with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day
to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet.
We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special
to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave.
I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
================================================
They finally released the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
=====================
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer
about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
==================================
How do you know if a woman used a vibrator
while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.
======================

[bonyhadi]

LOOK INTO THE FUTURE

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States
crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American
Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of
Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January
2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with
congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75% .

Wall street predicts that the stock market has finally seen the end of the decline that started in 2000.
================================
A man walks up to a female colleague in his office each day. Making a point of standing very close to her, he draws a deep breath through
his nose, pauses, smiles, and tells her how wonderful her hair smells.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer. The woman marches into her supervisor's office, tells him about the "hair thing", and
that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled, and struggles to understand what the problem is. He asks her, "What's sexually threatening about a man
telling you thatyour hair smells nice?"
The woman screams, "He's a DWARF!"
=====================================
Redneck Family Tree
Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be,

This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!!
================================================== ===
Click here: Yonkis.com http://yonkis.ya.com/flash/orgasmos.htm
================================================== ========

[bonyhadi]

A Man Shopping

A man was shopping in the men's department at
Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful
woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what can I help
you with today Sir ?"

"What can you help me with? Well lets see I'd like to wrap
my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my
hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run
my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress.
When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while
simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And
then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples
lightly... But what I really came in for is to buy is a new tie."
=========================================
Q. What do you call a Mexican prostitute with no legs?
A. **** sway low !

*^*^*^*

Q. What do you call a black prostitute with braces on?
A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker!
============================
A beautiful young lady was a traveling sales person and her car
broke down way out in the country. She checked the car as best
she could but couldn't find what was wrong. It was starting to get
dark so she decided she had better find shelter for the night.

She found a farm house a short distance up the road and knocked
on the door. The farmer answered the door and asked Her what she
needed. She told the farmer that her car was broken down and she
needed a place to stay for the night.

The Farmer told her he only had two bedrooms, he and his wife used one and their 18 year old son used the other. The Farmer thought
about it a minute and said my son went to town and won't be home until late and he has a big bed anyhow if you want you can sleep in his
bed tonight.

She thought to her self, Wow 18 year old dick tonight, and said to the farmer that would be fine.

After a nice supper they all went to bed. She took all of her clothes off and lay spread eagle on the bed waiting for the boy. About three
in the morning the boy comes in, gets undressed and goes to bed. She waited a while, sure that he would be making advances, but nothing
happened. After a little while she thought, Well maybe he's shy, so she said could you switch sides of the bed with me, thinking he may
get her on the way over.

He got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side.

She lay there a little longer and decided to try it again.

Again, he got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side.

She figured there is only one way to make this hick understand, so she rolled over right on top of him and said "OK now do you know what
I want?"

He said, "Yeahâ€| you want the whole damn bed."
===================================

Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor
from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that
your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your
legs is black".

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down
on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're
turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
==============================================

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend.
He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think.
He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know.
But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
=============================

[bonyhadi]

Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing
about the correct orientation of Japanese women's sex
organs. One said that Japanese women have theirs going from
side to side, while the other said it goes vertical just
like everybody else. The argument went on like this for
hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by
going to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he
should know!

After being told the subject of the argument, the friend
quickly said, "Vertical, just like everybody else, and I'll
prove it!"

Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes
on his wife's *****, he called his wife anyway, and she
appeared from the second-floor bedroom.

"Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister"

Like a good, obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the
banister. On the way down, there was a long screeeeeech,
and she landed on the floor.

"See? Didn't I tell you guys that its vertical just like
everybody else?"

The two scratched their heads in wonder. What did that
prove?

"If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, blub,
blub, blub, blub..."




A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors;
Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing
what's natural for men and women to do...

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what
she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while
nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible
about what they where doing.



So................


......................



................................



.................................................. ..


.................................................. .........They buried her!








These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One
day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had
some sex so you oughta let me screw you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll
flip a coin and see who screws, who first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,

"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe,

"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.

But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,

Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River









Chinese couple gets married-and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked
under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - just anyting
you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want . numba 69.
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..............
"You want... Beef wif Broccori?"








A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy
from Dublin.
'I'm not hiring no dumb fock paddy from Dublin,' the foreman thought, so he made up a
test hoping that Paddy wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse
him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the
number 9."
"Wittout nombers?" Paddy says. "Agh! feck aff dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3
trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The Dub replies, "Ain't ye got no brains? Tree'nTree'nTree makes 9. Are ye feckin' tick
or wa?"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this
time use the number 99."
Paddy stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree.
"Dare ye arre, me mucker."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Paddy says "Each a de trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree'n dirty tree-daa
makes 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the Dubliner so he says, "All right,
last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Paddy stares into space again, then picks up the picture once more, makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, "Dare ye arre, buddy, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that
represents 100!"
Dublin Paddy leans forward and points to the mark at the base of the trees.
"See der? Well a little feckin' doggie comes along and takes a shoite on each a dem trees,
so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd-which makes
a hunnert. Feckin' roit it does!!!
When do I feckin' start?"

[bonyhadi]

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was
knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the
female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies,
"Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."
He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,

"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't,
but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
=============================================
I just went to the store, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
girl a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
*********************************

Q. Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
A. It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!
================================================
Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
====================================
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large
thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.
10% of those men surveyed prefered women with large thighs.
10% of the men prefered women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% prefered what's in-between.
===========================================
Business Ideas That Failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees,
despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent
burial plots and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile
tune-ups".

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term
customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds
and new homeowners.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorroids...available in all your favorite
fragrances.
==============================
A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an
Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are
going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab
sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night,that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got
married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a
silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
=====================================
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman
sitting on the bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around,
faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place,
it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?
===============================================
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived
on the plane, he felt the seats and said, 'Wow, these seats are big!'
The person next to him answered, 'Everything is big in Texas.'
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, 'Wow these mugs are big!'
The bartender replied, 'Everything is big in Texas.'
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, 'Second door to the
right.'
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to
death, the blind man started shouting,
'Don't flush, don't flush!'
====================================
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One
day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had
some sex so you oughta let me screw you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll
flip a coin and see who screws, who first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,

"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe,

"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.

But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,

Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River
=========================================
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the
chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny
electrodes
are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin
under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a
handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio
Shack.

Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story
headlines.

Dad: now surfs with two remotes
Mom: never complains

She never wants to cuddle anymore it's click, click, click, and
she's out the door.

The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600
bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.

The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm
sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."

Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to
shout your surgeon's name.

Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack
Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their
partner... er, never mind.

"Now remember, Ms. Elders the left nipple is positive and the
right is negative."
====================
Conficious say...Man with athletic fingers-makes broad jump!
===================================

[Hotfingrs]

She was so blonde. . .
.. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
.. she tripped over a cordless phone
.. she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DONT WALK"
.. they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
.. at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here",
she put "Sagittarius"
.. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved