An elderly couple are vacationing in the west. BOB always wanted a Pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys Them, wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks in to their hotel room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Helen?"
Helen looks him over, "Nope."
BOB says excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a look. Notice anything different about me?" Helen looks again, "Nope"

Frustrated, BOB storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked, except for his boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time,"Notice anything DIFFERENT?"
Helen looks up and says, "BOB, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down tomorrow."

Furious, BOB yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, BOB. Shoulda bought a hat."

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."
Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.
"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.
"Holy ****, lady. I never knew you had a minimum!" replies the drunk

>A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just
> >going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.
> >"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."
> >"Who?" asked the man. "Bill Smith. There's a guy who did
> >everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along
> >when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that
> >to Bill every time."
> >"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few
> >clouds over everybody."
> >"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete. He
> >could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with
> >the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like
> >a Broadway star."
> >"Bill was really something, huh?"
> >"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a
> >trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about
> >wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not
> >like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood
> >blacks out."
> >"No wonder you remember him," the man said. "Well, I never
> >actually met Bill," said the cabby. "Then how in the world
> >do you know so much about him?" "I married his widow,"
> >replied the cabby.
> >
> >

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
> >confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street
> >and asked him to cover for him.
> >The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him
> >to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what
> >to do.
> >The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few
> >minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'
> >The priest asks, 'What did you do?'
> >The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'
> >The priest says, 'How many times?'
> >And the woman replies, 'Three.'
> >Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'
> >
> >A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father
> >forgive me for I have sinned.'
> >
> >'What did you do?'
> >
> >'I committed adultery.'
> >
> >'How many times?'
> >
> >'Three times.'
> >
> >The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
> >more.'
> >
> >The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest leaves.
> >
> >A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for
> >I have sinned.'
> >
> >The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'
> >
> >The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'
> >
> >The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'
> >
> >The woman replies, 'Once.'
> >
> >The rabbi said, 'Go and do it two more times, We have a special this week,
> >three for $5.'
> >
> >

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane. One guy
says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster
if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The other
guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his
glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting
conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the
cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're
qualified
to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ****?"
===========================================
What do you call a Paki with a dot in the middle of his forehead?
A push start!
===========================================
The Seven Ages of Man Are:
spills
drills
thrills
bills
ills
pills
& wills.
===========================================
One afternoon a little girl excitedly approached her mother and
announced that she had learned where babies come from at school
that day. Amused, her mother replied "Really, sweetie? Why don't you
tell me all about it?"

The little girl explained, "Well... OK... the Mommy and Daddy take off
all of their clothes and the Daddy's thing sort of stands up,
and the Mommy puts it in her mouth, and then it sort of explodes,
and that's where babies come from."

Her Mom shook her head, leaned over to meet her daughter eye to eye
and said in a confidential tone, "Oh, honey, that's sweet,
but that's not where babies come from...

That's where jewelry comes from."
===============================
EXCERCISES TO PREPARE FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE

1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe you with
his applicator.

2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat Coverage
Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinky down your
throat.

3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and
lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your
nose.

4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile
and repeating: "mild discomfort."

5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM,
at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a
Craftsman
(squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6. Remove all actual food from the house.

7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and
onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube.
===================================
A 24-year-old supermarket
shoplifter stuffed five lobsters in his pants and sprinted for the door,
but he never had a chance. The violated crustaceans brought the thief to
his knees in front of startled cashiers when they fastened their
powerful claws around his delicate parts.

Doctors were able to remove the animals with pliers. They say the thief
will fully recover -- except for one small detail. "It was a
do-it-yourself vasectomy." This man's daring supermarket exploits make
him one of the few Darwin Award winners to live to tell the tale. The
supermarket manager declined to press charges, saying the culprit has
already "gone through enough pain (to) learn his lesson."
========================================
A man is calling on his best friend to pay a condolence call the day
after the friend's wife has died. When he knocks on the door, he gets no
answer, so he decides to go in and see if everything is all right.

Upon entering the house, the man discovers his friend in the living room
having sex with the maid.

"Jack", says the man, "Your wife just died yesterday!"

His friend looks up and says, "In this grief, do you think I know what
I'm doing?"
==============================================
World's Shortest Books


20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the Sierra Club
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
And the World's Number One Shortest book...
1. MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton & Jesse Jackson
********************************************
A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he explained
the basics to his wife, he told her the most important piece of
information:

Whenever you shoot something, make sure to claim it right away or the
first person who gets to your kill can claim it as their own, so be
quick if we want to have deer meat in the refrigerator!

So they departed to their deer boxes and waited for some deer. Minutes
later he heard his wife's gun go off. The husband decided to make sure
she went to claim her kill instead of giving it away to someone.

When he got close enough to see his wife she was arguing with another
man. When he finally got to his wife the man was shouting waving his
hands in the air: "Okay! Fine lady this is YOUR deer, but do you mind if
I take my saddle off your deer before you take it away?"
===============================
"What did Father say when he learned you're pregnant?" asked Little
Mary's mother.

Little Mary answered, "Should I leave out the profanity?"

"Yes, of course!" Mary's mom replied.

"Nothing."
=====================================

********************************************
The two old coots were both only a year short of retirement from the
assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting
to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly.

"How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and
then I rolled over and took a ten-minute nap. When I woke up again, I
made love to her again and took another ten-minute nap. And then I put
it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like
a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny.

So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten-minute nap, made love
to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third
time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep. He woke up feeling like a
million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he
found his boss waiting outside for him.

"What's up, Boss?" he asked. "I've been working for you for twenty years
and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes
against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the hell were you on
Tuesday and Wednesday?
********************************************
Top 10 Signs That Your Son Has Out Grown Breast Feeding

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to "Dueling Banjos."
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
===================================
Men are like..Laxatives: They irritate the **** out of you.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Bananas: The older they get, the less firm they
are.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Vacations: They never seem to be long enough.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Weather: Nothing can be done to change them.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Blenders: You need one, but you're not sure
quite why.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Coffee: The best ones are rich, warm and can
keep you up all night long.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Commercials: You can't believe a word they say.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Government bonds: They take sooooooo long to
mature.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Horoscopes: They always tell you what to do and
are usually wrong.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Mascara: They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Popcorn: They satisfy you, but only for a little
while.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Snowstorms: You never know when they're coming,
how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Lava Lamps: Fun to look at, but not very bright.
> > > >> >
Men are like...Parking spots: All the good ones are taken, the
rest are handicapped
================================================== ===
VIRUS ALERT
Paul Revere Virus - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack:
Once, if by LAN; twice if by C

Texas Virus - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Airline Luggage Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Star Trek Virus - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care Virus - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.

Ollie North Virus - Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits on you.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says that everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer.

Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus - Your programs can never be found again.

What makes 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is

Represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%


K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%


But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%


And,

B U L L S H ! T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%


So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close,
attitude will get you there, but bull**** will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you.

A $$S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%


NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT LIKE THAT BEFORE, HUH?

Age 80!!!????
 

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do
you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"
"Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?
I said, "No, I've heard that all "red meat" is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.
"No I don't," I said.
He said, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy
women?"
"No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."
He look at me and said, "Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??"

>
> >It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny
> >stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home,
> >they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were
> >for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his older
> >brother explained. "Wouldn't you know it," the boy fumed. "The one
> >Sunday I don't go, He showed up!"
> >
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
> >sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
> >pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
> >"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a
> >family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just
> >planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for
> >yourselves."
> >
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was. Grandpa answered, "39 and
> >holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would
> >you be if you let go?"
> >
> >A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed
> >around the offering plates.When they came near his pew, the boy said
> >loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."
> >
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying until
> >she glanced at my grandparents. My grandmother had reached over to my
> >grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it
> >took to start my mother's tears flowing. After the wedding, Mom went over
> >to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her
> >outburst. "Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied,
> >"but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers
> >before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good
> >cook!"
> >~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> >
> >"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother
> >on his mother's side. "Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been
> >promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she
> >asked. "I heard him tell Mommy," the little boy answered, "that he would
> >climb the walls if you came to visit."
> >

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
--

Subject: Another Blonde Joke

A blonde pushes her old BMW into a gas station. She tells the
> mechanic, "It died."
>
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She
> says, "What's the story?"
>
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
>
> She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

Getting Older?
 

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading : Don't Miss The Amazing Texan.
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings !
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same Don't Miss the Amazing Texan.
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act ! So he buys a ticket !

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible" he tells the Texan.
"But I have to know something : You're older now, so why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts ?"
"Well, says the Texan My eyes aren't what they used to be"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN
 

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honor her.
4. Cuddler her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7. Love her.
8. Tease her.
9. Stroke her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Listen to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19. Support her.
20. Go to the end of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer.

Turkey Day Forcast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report
from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to
email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and
if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches
on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low
of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches
will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a
warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure
will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
========================================
Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
===========================================
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking,
friggin assholes!
====================================
Our First Encounter

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
>From the car, I carried you thru the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body, Your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove your wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you
like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.
>From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to
the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts, then
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put
inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came
through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now, and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can
take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as
far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make
you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from
within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and
tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste
so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of
savoring you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes," I say to you, "I must say thanks that you are here.
"Thank Heaven for this turkey dinner.... Amen."
======================================
Night Before Thanksgiving


Twas the night before Thanksgiving
and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and *****in'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings...who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain, and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, ****, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
===========================================

The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired
Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra
pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand.
I want her to scream out my name."
==========================================
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came
home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip
naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at
work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his
wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a
quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"
=============================================
A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures
on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do.
He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where
she wants her picture to be located.
After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she
gives up and goes out to buy one.
When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his
eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way
around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.
"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"
He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to
nail you."
=======================================
What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday
==================================
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a
co-worker in the hospital.
"How are things at the Office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the
coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon
is making it with the Boss."
====================================
100 Years Ago...

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from
Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average
U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
==============================================

There's this little boy dressed up in his cowboy outfit, and walks into
a ice cream shop.
Behind the counter was this, good-looking, well endowed female
employee.
The little boy walked up to the counter, and said "give me a ice cream
sundae", she said ok. she asked, if he wanted vanilla ice cream, he
pulls his six-shooters out, and stated "you damn right" and puts them
back in the holsters.
And she asked, if he wanted chocolate ice cream, he pull his guns out,
and stated "you damn right".
After putting all the ingredients on the sundae, she asked the little
boy if he wanted his nuts crushed, and he pulled his guns out, and said
you want your titties blown off.
=============================
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading : Don't Miss The Amazing Texan.
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center
ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three
walnuts with three mighty swings !
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same Don't Miss the
Amazing Texan.
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act ! So he buys a ticket !

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before
them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible" he tells the Texan.
"But I have to know something : You're older now, so why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts ?"
"Well, says the Texan My eyes aren't what they used to be"
=====================================
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde
virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of
course,
believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and
returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the
world.
But Harry at the drug store has one too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I
had two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the big one?"
=====================================
Pick Up Lines
Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?
Your dad must have been a farmer, because you got a great set of
melons.
Just approach the woman, don't say anything and read the tag on the
collar of her shirt. When she asks what the hell you are doing, just
say I'm checking to see if you're made in heaven.
================================================
A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the
steps.The boy is killing ants by smushing them with his thumb,
saying,"****ing ants," with each smush.
The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy. "What are you doing!?!?!" the priest shouts at the boy.
"I'm killing these ****ing ants," responds the boy.
Visibly upset, the priest sits next to the boy. "My son, don't you
know that it is wrong to harm any of G-d's creatures? G-d created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them,including ants."
The boy thinks about this a minute and says to the priest, "But these
ants don't do anything. They just bother people."
The priest responds, "Everything in life has a purpose my son,including
these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I
challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of
three things in life that do not have a purpose."
One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find the same
boy sitting on the steps, smushing ants with his thumb, reciting the
same "****ing ants" phrase.
The priest screams at the boy to stop. Rushing over to him, the priest says to the boy, "My son, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a
sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not
have
a purpose?"
The boy looks up at the priest and says, "Yeah, I thought of three
things that don't have a purpose. A nun's tits, your balls and these
****ing ants!"
===============================
A couple got married, where the groom was 91 and the bride was
23. The groom looked pretty feeble and had the feeling that the
wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy,
vivacious young woman.

But, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop
in the hotel where their honeymoon happened.
The clerk looked really concerned,
"What happened to you, honey?
You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh G-d! He told me he'd been saving up for 72 years,
and I thought he meant his money."
==================================
Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but
do you realize when the Pilgrims first landed if they had
shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating
***** on Thanksgiving!
=========================================
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't
stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. We're sick
of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
==================================================
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
=============================================
Things you can only get away with saying on Thanksgiving.

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in? .
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
=========================================

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't

10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."

9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her
down."

3. "It's cool whip time!"

2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
out."
=======================================
He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,

And then he stuffed the turkey
=============================================
A Famous Quote
"I have never understood
why anyone would
roast the turkey
and shuck the clams
and crisp the croutons
and shell the peas
and candy the sweets
and compote the cranberries
and bake the pies
and clear the table
and wash the dishes
and fall into bed exhausted
when they could just as easily sit back
and enjoy a hamburger or a pork sandwich."

The Turkey
=========================================
How to Cook a Turkey (R)

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
================================
The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad
fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid *****, you have
floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have
a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word
they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and
asked her what *****es and bastards were.
She told him that they were people.
Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were.
She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted
both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and

family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving.
The dad cut himself and said "****!" Well once again, the boy started
asking questions and asked what "****" was. The father told him that it

was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs
were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a
knife, she said "****!" The boy once again asked what "****" was.
She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell
rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents.
Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi *****es and bastards.
Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs
putting **** on his face and mom's in the kitchen ****ing the turkey."
=================================================

==================================================

Tree Hugger
 

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Washington. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, they all turned me down."

"Wife's approval"
 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for
"small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure
he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over
with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite
dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

ROMANCE ..
 

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you use to bite my neck" Angrily, he
threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going ?" she
asked. "To get my teeth!"He replied

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"