--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing".

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
 

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to
Trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced
of her own beauty.

Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 71 and 75, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 75, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it
is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 12 and 92 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession. "Father Ken, I
kinda took a leetle lumber from dat new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son"?
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time.
I'm 'fraid someone will break dey laig, so I fix de hole. "
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to
get outta de wether, so I make him his own leetle doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a leetle lumber left.
So you know, my truck, she ain't never had no place
to get outta de wether either, so I make her
a two car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a leetle lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two
bedrooms and a new bat'room."
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going
to have to make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father...But, if you got de plans, I got de lumber."
WOW!!!!!!

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
========================================
Big John, a huge lumberjack, goes to the dentist with a terrific
toothache. The dentist checks him over and says "That tooth has to
come out. Do you want gas or novocain?"
Big John says "Just pull the damn thing, Doc I don't want anything".
The dentist says "You'd better have something the pain will be
intolerable".
Big John says "Doc, I've only felt pain twice in my life".
The dentist says "Tell me about it".
Big John tells the dentist he was in the woods on a snowy winter day and he had to take a terrific dump, so he dropped his pants and
squatted. He didn't realize he was squatting over a bear trap and the trap snapped shut on his balls. He said he felt real pain.
The dentist asked him when he felt pain for the second time and
Big John said "When I got to the end of the chain!"
==========================================
A little Jewish woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital,
said, "Hello,darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the
information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse.

The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's
name and room number?"

She said, "Yes, darling! she's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."

He said, "Oh,yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came
back asnormal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is
going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o' clock."

The woman said, "Thank G-d! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic,darling!... That's wonderful news!"

The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!"

She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me ****!"
==============================================
According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year. Male drop
their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to December.
Females retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolf to Blitzen, had
to be a girl. We should've known. ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and
not get lost.
=========================================
My neighbour found out her Schnauzer dog could hardly hear so
she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet
told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's
ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
==============================================
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you. You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father
charges one hundred dollars for his best bull."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not I want."

Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job.
My father charges only twenty dollars for him."

Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."


Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that because I don't know what he charges for Elmer."
===========================================
At a Gynecologist convention in Switzerland two gynecologists were talking. One from France says "There was a woman in my office
yesterday with a clitoris like a watermelon."

Another one from England says, "That's impossible, if she had a
clitoris the size of a watermelon she couldn't walk."

The one from France responded, "You English, always thinking
about size. I was talking about taste."
=========================================
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no
money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."
============================================
WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU NEED A NEW DOCTOR

The patient before you was a goat.

Instead of anesthetic he has you watch PBS.

He has an assistant named Igor.

The local bar association named him "Client of the Year."

Whenever he leaves the room his nurse makes duck noises.

During surgery he has to keep repeating that "thigh bone connected to the knee bone" song.

Mike Wallace and the '60 Minutes' film crew are hanging out in his waiting room.

He asks you to turn your head and cough during an eye exam.

His diploma is from Salsa University in Uganda

All his Medical books are from the Time-Life "Do-it-Yourself Series."

He has an office sharing arrangement with a mortician.
============================
The presiding judge had just completed rendering the court's verdict and was about to pass sentence when he asked the defendant if he
had anything to say.

"No, judge, there is nothing I care to say," answered the prisoner.
"But if you'll clear away the tables and chairs in this here courtroom for me to beat the HELL outta that asshole lawyer of mine, you
can give me a year or two extra."
===========================
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so
desperate that she decides to ask G-d for help. She begins to pray...

"G-d, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the
lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays ..."G-d, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.

Once again, she prays..."My G-d, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I
don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and
Brandi is confronted by the voice of G-d Himself: "Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
============================

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the
champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww
- what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?"
she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
=========================
SENIOR MOMENT
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two
elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it
very highly."
The other man said, "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally said to his companion, "Aahh, What is the name of that red flower you
give to someone you love? His friends replies, "A Carnation??" "No. No. The other one" the man says. His friend offers another
suggestion, "The Poppy?"
"Nahhhh, growls the man. You know the one that is red and has thorns." His friend said, "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, Yes that's it. Thank you!" the first man says.
He then turns toward the kitchen and yells, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?''
================================================== =====
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years
when one day the old woman died.
The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave
with his dog and spend a few minutes out there.
About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day
to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet.
We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special
to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave.
I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"
================================================
They finally released the ingredients in Viagra!
3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat
=====================
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer
about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"
==================================
How do you know if a woman used a vibrator
while she was pregnant?
The kid stutters.
======================

LOOK INTO THE FUTURE

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the
seventh largest country in the world, California.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
the California's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States
crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American
Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon.)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of
Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January
2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with
congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75% .

Wall street predicts that the stock market has finally seen the end of the decline that started in 2000.
================================
A man walks up to a female colleague in his office each day. Making a point of standing very close to her, he draws a deep breath through
his nose, pauses, smiles, and tells her how wonderful her hair smells.
After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer. The woman marches into her supervisor's office, tells him about the "hair thing", and
that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man.
The supervisor is puzzled, and struggles to understand what the problem is. He asks her, "What's sexually threatening about a man
telling you thatyour hair smells nice?"
The woman screams, "He's a DWARF!"
=====================================
Redneck Family Tree
Many, many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be,

This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.

Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.

My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!!
================================================== ===
Click here: Yonkis.com http://yonkis.ya.com/flash/orgasmos.htm
================================================== ========

A Man Shopping

A man was shopping in the men's department at
Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful
woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what can I help
you with today Sir ?"

"What can you help me with? Well lets see I'd like to wrap
my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my
hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run
my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress.
When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while
simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth. And
then I'd like to suck on your beautiful tits and bite your nipples
lightly... But what I really came in for is to buy is a new tie."
=========================================
Q. What do you call a Mexican prostitute with no legs?
A. **** sway low !

*^*^*^*

Q. What do you call a black prostitute with braces on?
A: A Black and Decker pecker wrecker!
============================
A beautiful young lady was a traveling sales person and her car
broke down way out in the country. She checked the car as best
she could but couldn't find what was wrong. It was starting to get
dark so she decided she had better find shelter for the night.

She found a farm house a short distance up the road and knocked
on the door. The farmer answered the door and asked Her what she
needed. She told the farmer that her car was broken down and she
needed a place to stay for the night.

The Farmer told her he only had two bedrooms, he and his wife used one and their 18 year old son used the other. The Farmer thought
about it a minute and said my son went to town and won't be home until late and he has a big bed anyhow if you want you can sleep in his
bed tonight.

She thought to her self, Wow 18 year old dick tonight, and said to the farmer that would be fine.

After a nice supper they all went to bed. She took all of her clothes off and lay spread eagle on the bed waiting for the boy. About three
in the morning the boy comes in, gets undressed and goes to bed. She waited a while, sure that he would be making advances, but nothing
happened. After a little while she thought, Well maybe he's shy, so she said could you switch sides of the bed with me, thinking he may
get her on the way over.

He got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side.

She lay there a little longer and decided to try it again.

Again, he got up and walked around and got into the bed on the other side.

She figured there is only one way to make this hick understand, so she rolled over right on top of him and said "OK now do you know what
I want?"

He said, "Yeahâ€| you want the whole damn bed."
===================================

Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model", the editor
from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that
your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your
legs is black".

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down
on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!", he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said "Look at your fingers. They're
turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."
==============================================

A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend.
He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think.
He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love", the guy said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know", she replied, "You really shouldn't do this you know.
But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.
=============================

Asian women have always been exotic. Two guys were arguing
about the correct orientation of Japanese women's sex
organs. One said that Japanese women have theirs going from
side to side, while the other said it goes vertical just
like everybody else. The argument went on like this for
hours until they decided to settle it once and for all by
going to another friend who has a Japanese wife. Surely, he
should know!

After being told the subject of the argument, the friend
quickly said, "Vertical, just like everybody else, and I'll
prove it!"

Although suspecting that the duo would just feast their eyes
on his wife's *****, he called his wife anyway, and she
appeared from the second-floor bedroom.

"Honey, take off your panties and slide down the banister"

Like a good, obedient wife, she obliged and mounted the
banister. On the way down, there was a long screeeeeech,
and she landed on the floor.

"See? Didn't I tell you guys that its vertical just like
everybody else?"

The two scratched their heads in wonder. What did that
prove?

"If it were horizontal, the sound would have been, blub,
blub, blub, blub..."




A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors;
Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing
what's natural for men and women to do...

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what
she had been doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while
nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible
about what they where doing.



So................


......................



................................



.................................................. ..


.................................................. .........They buried her!








These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One
day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had
some sex so you oughta let me screw you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll
flip a coin and see who screws, who first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,

"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe,

"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.

But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,

Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River









Chinese couple gets married-and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is
none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked
under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - just anyting
you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes
will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want . numba 69.
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries..............
"You want... Beef wif Broccori?"








A construction boss in Belfast was interviewing men when along came a guy named Paddy
from Dublin.
'I'm not hiring no dumb fock paddy from Dublin,' the foreman thought, so he made up a
test hoping that Paddy wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse
him the job without getting into a dispute.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the
number 9."
"Wittout nombers?" Paddy says. "Agh! feck aff dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3
trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
The Dub replies, "Ain't ye got no brains? Tree'nTree'nTree makes 9. Are ye feckin' tick
or wa?"
"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this
time use the number 99."
Paddy stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he has drawn and makes a
smudge on each tree.
"Dare ye arre, me mucker."
The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
Paddy says "Each a de trees is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree'n dirty tree-daa
makes 99".
The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the Dubliner so he says, "All right,
last question. Same rules but this time use 100."
Paddy stares into space again, then picks up the picture once more, makes a little mark at
the base of each tree and says, "Dare ye arre, buddy, a hunnert."
The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you think that
represents 100!"
Dublin Paddy leans forward and points to the mark at the base of the trees.
"See der? Well a little feckin' doggie comes along and takes a shoite on each a dem trees,
so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd-which makes
a hunnert. Feckin' roit it does!!!
When do I feckin' start?"

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was
knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her,
"Did you know that humans are the only species in which the
female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies,
"Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."
He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."
He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,

"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't,
but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
=============================================
I just went to the store, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a
girl a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil-necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called him a piece of horse s**t.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket! This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
*********************************

Q. Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
A. It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!
================================================
Sex is a three-letter word which sometimes needs old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
====================================
We recently conducted a poll as to whether men prefer women with large
thighs or women with thin thighs. The results were pretty surprising.
10% of those men surveyed prefered women with large thighs.
10% of the men prefered women with thin thighs.
And the other 80% prefered what's in-between.
===========================================
Business Ideas That Failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees,
despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent
burial plots and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Pre-owned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile
tune-ups".

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term
customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds
and new homeowners.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorroids...available in all your favorite
fragrances.
==============================
A beautiful young girl comes home and says, "Ma, I got married."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's great."
She says, "But, Ma, he's an Arab."
Her mother says, "Oy, that's not so great." She says, "But, Ma, he's an
Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and Daddy are
going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives."
Six months later, she walks in the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab
sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is boff me in my ass.
Day and night,that's all he'll do is bang me in my ass. When I got
married, my asshole was the size of a dime...now, it's the size of a
silver dollar."
Her mother says, "So for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"
=====================================
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good-looking, smartly dressed woman
sitting on the bar stool.
He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around,
faces him, looks him straight in the eyes and says,
"Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place,
it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?
===============================================
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived
on the plane, he felt the seats and said, 'Wow, these seats are big!'
The person next to him answered, 'Everything is big in Texas.'
When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon
arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his
hands. He exclaimed, 'Wow these mugs are big!'
The bartender replied, 'Everything is big in Texas.'
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the
bathroom was located. The bartender replied, 'Second door to the
right.'
The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over
and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which
lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident. Scared to
death, the blind man started shouting,
'Don't flush, don't flush!'
====================================
These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One
day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had
some sex so you oughta let me screw you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll
flip a coin and see who screws, who first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.
They flipped a coin and Larry won.
Still having strong reservation Joe asked,

"How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe,

"If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop.

But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed,

Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River
=========================================
A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the
chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. Tiny
electrodes
are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin
under the buttocks. The patient then controls the sensation with a
handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio
Shack.

Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story
headlines.

Dad: now surfs with two remotes
Mom: never complains

She never wants to cuddle anymore it's click, click, click, and
she's out the door.

The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at $600
bucks to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your SUV.

The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

"Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm
sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention...I'm sorry..."

Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to
shout your surgeon's name.

Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack
Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their
partner... er, never mind.

"Now remember, Ms. Elders the left nipple is positive and the
right is negative."
====================
Conficious say...Man with athletic fingers-makes broad jump!
===================================

She was so blonde. . .
.. she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
.. she tripped over a cordless phone
.. she told someone to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and
"DONT WALK"
.. they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade
.. at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here",
she put "Sagittarius"
.. when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home,
she moved

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A
man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here
on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened that is so horrible?

Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow
milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.

Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what happened.

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left
with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.
Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and
kicked it over.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the
right.

Man: So then what did you do?

Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I
got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the
bucket with her tail.

Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So then what did you do.

Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt
and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in.

A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
"How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop
assistant.

In a condescending manner she responds, "Which Barbie?
We have ...
- Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95
- Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95
- Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95
- Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95
- Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95
- and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others
are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie
comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato
garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up
that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen police showed up and dug up the
entire garden, without finding any guns.

Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what
happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad."
"It's the best I could do from here."
====================================
If the African yak spins in circles till it gets dizzy, is that
called an afro-dizzy-yak?

If you mated a bulldog and a ****su, would it be called a bull****?
=======================
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just
past. The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's
last date:

"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type,
" Faba declared.

"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo
asked with curiosity.

"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and
intelligent," explained Faba to her friend.

Mujo giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?"

"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie.
And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his
house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out

his penis."

"What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the
clinical terminology.

"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick,
just much smaller !"
=====================================

Astrological After-sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
=====================================

A GIRL'S PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy's thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
and when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, in the hall,
the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
and never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the dickhead you sent me instead.
Amen.


A BOY'S PRAYER

I pray for a girl who gives great head.
Amen.
=====================================

A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his
crop.

He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation. "Your problem can
easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree with cat manure!"
devised the agronomist.

With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure
enough cat manure for his trees. The trees produced a bumper crop of
pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange.
With some concern, the plantation owner called his distributor on the
mainland as asked,
"Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a little like
*****?"
"I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to make
***** taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!!!"

=======================================

A blonde and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"

"I'll be behind the piano."
=================================================
Of A Woman

An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,

A woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,

But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,

She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,

She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,

She'll hate you like poison and love you like mad


Of A Man

Horny

Sleepy

Hungry
=====================================
Australia's Condom Dilemma

John Howard (Australian Prime minister) is rudely awoken
at 4 a.m. by the telephone.

"John, its the health minister here. Sorry to bother you at
this hour but there is an emergency! I've just received word
that the Durex factory in Melbourne has burned to the ground.
It is estimated that the entire Australian supply of condoms
will be gone by the end of the week."

"**** - the economy will never be able to cope with all those
unwanted babies- we'll be ruined!"

"We're going to have to ship some in from abroad... Britain?..."

"No chance!! The poms will have a field day on this one!"

"What about New Zealand?"

"Maybe- but we don't want them to know that we are stuck.
You call Helen Clark tell her we need one million condoms;
colored gold and green; ten inches long and eight inches thick!
That way they'll know how big the Aussies really are!!"

John calls Helen, who agrees to help the Aussies out in their
hour of need. Three days later a van arrives in Canberra- full
of boxes. A delighted John rushes out to open the boxes.

He finds condoms; 10 inches long; 8 inches thick, all colored
green and gold. He then notices in small writing on each and every one:

-------------MADE IN NEW ZEALAND SIZE : MEDIUM

Two elderly residents, one male and one female,
were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady,
"I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll
have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes,
starts digging down in her purse.
She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Hell, no," replies the old lady.

"I want four times in the rocking chair!"

A young man walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I'm lookin' for a job.".
The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, but the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year.".
The guy said, "Ah c'mon, you're bull****ting me!".
The man behind the counter said,"Well, you started it!".

THE OUTHOUSE POEM

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.




With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.





He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

Subject: Benefits of Sex
Now, this one will frighten you into sending it on- even if you are not superstitious! Did you know that you can tell from the skin whether a person is sexually active or not?
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into the
bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling
of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexuallyactive body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM!
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

This message has been sent to you for good luck in sex. The "Hot Sex Fairy" will visit you within one week of receiving this message, provided you, in turn, send it on. If you don't then you will never receive good sex again for the rest of your life.You will eventually become celibate, and your genitals will rot and wither away.

25 Signs You've Grown Up

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids
next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm
never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.
24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one
sign that doesn't apply to you.
--

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're
suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat
and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for
all them ugly women I've slept with ?"
===============================
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large
pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts,
basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep
end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the
alligator."
=============================
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman. He
couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had
to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the
mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't
bother you. BUT, whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances talk to
my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day,
he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever
seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet,
watching him go about his business. However, the whole time he was
there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and
talking. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and
yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"

To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus".
====================================
Strange Headlines


Deer Kill 17,328
New Vaccine may Contain Rabies
Woman Improving After Fatal Crash
Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty
Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found
Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free! Just send $6.00.
==========================================
An avid skier decided that he would ski all the major mountains in the
world. He spent a decade at this, climbing and then skiing the world's
major peaks. Finally he decided he must ski Mt. Fuji, in Japan. He bade
farewell to his wife and set off for the Land of the Rising Sun.

The fateful day came, the weather was right, and the skier climbed to
the top of Fuji and skied down. So thrilled was he with his achievement
that he decided to send his wife a postcard of Mt. Fuji, describing his
feat. While in the shop buying the postcard, he decided, on a whim, to
buy a postcard picturing a young, scantily clad geisha to send to his
buddy who couldn't make the trip.

Unfortunately, he wrote the wrong messages on the cards, and sent them
to the wrong recipients. On the back of the card showing Mt. Fuji, which
he mistakenly sent to his buddy, he wrote: "Having fun in Japan!" And on
the back of the card showing the scantily clad geisha, which he
mistakenly sent to his wife, he wrote, "Here's a picture of the slope I
went down on Thursday!"
==========================

I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.......

This is how it works: I decide to wash my car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table.

OK, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.
I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trash can is full.

OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trash can out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook?

Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while.

I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first.

I fill a container with water and head for the flowerpots - Aaaaaagh!
Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs.

I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor,I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do?

End of the Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter,the flowers are half Watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys!

When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!!

I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail...

Don't send this back to me or I might send it to you again!

These are the 10 winners of this year's Bulwer-Lytton
contest (run by the English Dept of San Jose State
University), wherein one writes only the first line of a
bad novel.

For those of you who do not know, Bulwer-Lytton wrote The
Last Days of Pompeii, which opens with the famous line "It
was a dark and stormy night." Hence the contest.

10) "As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were
ever to break wind in the echo chamber he would never hear
the end of it."

9) "Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

8) "With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied,
a tanned, unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick
brown hair, deep azure-blue eyes fringed with long black
lashes, perfect teeth that vied for competition, and a
small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that defied
description."

7) "Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his
mind as he crept along the East wall: 'Andre creep...
Andre creep... Andre creep.'"

6) "Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge
of narcissism, was about to give his body and soul to a
back alley sex-change surgeon to become the woman he
loved."

5) "Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did
not keep her from eeking out a living at a local pet
store."

4) "Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but
then penguins often do."

3) "Like an over-ripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage
cheese, the corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on
the hotel floor."

2) "Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't
know the meaning of the word 'fear'; a man who could laugh
in the face of danger and spit in the eye of death -- in
short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

AND THE WINNER IS...

1) "The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness,
crept along the greensward, and, with sickly fingers,
pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged
princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying
beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's
deception, screaming madly, 'You lied."
--