Chicken story


Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to
fertilize the eggs. Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that
didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced. That took an
awful
lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report
simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too,
only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate. Several
roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his
bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his
job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered
him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation!!

The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize; he was also
given the - -

(are you sure you're ready for this - - - absolutely sure?? Well, O.K.
Keep going )


Pulletsurprise

> > > > A Quiz For People Who Know Everything --
> > (answers at the end)
> > > >
> > > > (1) There's one "sport" in which neither the
> > spectators nor the
> > > > participants know the score or the leader until
> > the contest ends.
> > > > What is it?
> > > >
> > > > (2) What famous North American landmark is
> > constantly moving
> > > > backward?
> > > >
> > > > (3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to
> > produce on their own for
> > > > several growing seasons. All other vegetables
> > must be replanted
> > > > every year. What are the only two perennial
> > vegetables?
> > > >
> > > > (4) Name the only sport in which the ball is
> > always in possession
> > > > of the team on defense, and the offensive team
> > can score without
> > > > touching the ball?
> > > >
> > > > (5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
> > > >
> > > > (6) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear
> > brandy, with a real pear
> > > > inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe,
> > and the bottle is
> > > > genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did
> > the pear get inside
> > > > the bottle?
> > > >
> > > > (7) Only three words in standard English begin
> > with the letters "dw."
> > > > They are all common. Name two of them.
> > > >
> > > > (8) There are fourteen punctuation marks in
> > English grammar. Can
> > > > you name half of them?
> > > >
> > > > (9) Where are the lakes that are referred to in
> > the "Los Angeles
> > > > Lakers?"
> > > >
> > > > (10) There are seven ways a baseball player can
> > legally reach first
> > > > base without getting a hit. Taking a base on
> > balls-a walk-is one
> > > > way. Name the other six.
> > > >
> > > > (11) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is
> > never sold frozen, canned,
> > > > processed, cooked, or in any other form but
> > fresh. What is it?
> > > >
> > > > (12) Name six or more things that you can wear
> > on your feet that
> > > > begin with the letter "S."
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > --> Scroll down for the answers. Don't cheat!
> > <--
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "Answers To Quiz"
> > > >
> > > > 1. Boxing.
> > > >
> > > > 2. Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about two
> > and a half feet
> > > > each year because of the millions of gallons of
> > water that rush over
> > > > it every minute.
> > > >
> > > > 3. Asparagus and rhubarb.
> > > >
> > > > 4. Baseball.
> > > >
> > > > 5. Strawberry.
> > > >
> > > > 6. The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles
> > are placed over pear
> > > > buds when they are small, and are wired in place
> > on the tree. The
> > > > bottle is left in place for the whole growing
> > season. When the pears
> > > > are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
> > > >
> > > > 7. Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
> > > >
> > > > 8. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash,
> > hyphen, apostrophe,
> > > > question mark, exclamation point, quotation
> > marks, brackets,
> > > > parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
> > > >
> > > > 9. In Minnesota. The team was originally known
> > as the Minneapolis
> > > > Lakers and kept the name when they moved west.
> > > >
> > > > 10. Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher
> > interference; catcher
> > > > drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being
> > designated as a pinch
> > > > runner.
> > > >
> > > > 11. Lettuce.
> > > >
> > > > 12. Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers,
> > skis, snowshoes,
> > > > stockings.
> > > >
> > > > ...Well, now you know! Feel any smarter?
>

And God Created Woman!
 

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth, :LOL: and ruined the whole damn thing.



:LOL:

There was a costume party at a mental hospital;
the theme of the party was war.
The first person comes up onto the stage and says,
"I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb."
Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says,
"I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically.
When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his
fuse was?"
================================================== ===========
Where do Halloween ghosts store their costumes during the rest of the
year?
In the sheet house!

What's a monster's favorite bean?
A human bean.

What was the witches' favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
===============================
Yo Mama's so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.

Yo Mama's so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.

Yo mama so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!

Yo mama so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
========================================
Halloween Terms

Bobbing Apples: What happens when you leave your bra off while running.

Boogieman: Guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.

Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your
throat.

Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.

Full moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your
fridge.

Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.

Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done.
Also, see "Mr. Hyde."

Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.

Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing
each week.

Mummy: Who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.

Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.

Skeleton: Any supermodel.

Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.

Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."

Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee
==================================
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure
of what costume to wear.
His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party.

She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked
except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife.
"Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his
penis.

"What the hell kind of costume is that???" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire, break the glass, pull a few
times, and I come."
====================================
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood
and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about
where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep.
However, they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats
behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of
trees.
Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly milled around
him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES!" the bats all screamed in frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "BECAUSE I FxxKING DIDN'T !!"
===========================================
HALLOWEEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY BUT AREN'T!

She's a goblin!

I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!

Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.

If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.

Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth.

You scared me stiff!

He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
===========================================
Top ten signs that you're too old to trick or treat:

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance
and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a
mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the
rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your
hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
=======================================
A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the
habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a
tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her
red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."
==================================================
What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
Tired Blood!!

Is it true that witches are afraid of dead bodies?
Of corpse it is!

Why does the Mummy keep his Band-Aids in the refrigerator?
He wants to uses them later for cold cuts!

Why did the Witch cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off! Booo!

What is a ghost's favorite ride at the midway?
A roller ghoster!
================================================== ========
How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
With a pumpkin patch.

What's black, white, orange, and waddles?
A penguin with a Jack-o-lantern.
=================================
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween
party, and I want to go as Adam."

The girl brings out a fig leaf.

But he says, "Not big enough!"

So she brings out a bigger one.

"Still not big enough!"

So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.

"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.

So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
==========================

Baby Boomers, The 1960s vs. the 2000s

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children/Grandchildren.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"

Now: "Depends"
===================================

Useless Penis Facts

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons

Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200

Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000

Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons

Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35 gallons

Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour

Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour

Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7

Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150

Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches

Average length when erect: 5.1

Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch

Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches

Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)

Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet

Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall

Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight

Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ

Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%

Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%

Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%

Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks

Average # of erections per day for a man: 11

Average # of erections during the night: 9

Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)

Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours

Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)

Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years

Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100

Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm

Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm

Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6

In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.

Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats) produce a buttery or fishy taste.

Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to be the foulest.

Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi, lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue,
Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)

Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.

Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.

It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.

Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
=========================================

What A Day
 

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained,

"It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand
an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told
him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of the story.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went
without breakfast and hurried out to the car, only to realize that I locked
the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I
got a speeding ticket. When I was about three blocks from the store, I got a
flat tire. When I finally got here, there was a bunch of people waiting for
me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people
and, all the time, the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash
register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got
down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels. The phone was still ringing. When I came up, I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume
bottles on it . all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to
answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal
thermometer . and believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was
tell her."

At a press conference today, Tipper Gore announced that she's going back on the Campaign Trail with her husband, former Vice President Al Gore.
"To prepare myself," she said, "I have shaved off all my pubic hair. From now until the election, I shall sit on the stage with the former Vice President, and may occasionally flash my legs apart without wearing any panties. This will send a strong message to America."
"What is that message?" gasped astonished reporters at the news of this rather startling announcement.
To which Tipper replied, "Read my lips, no more Bush."

FIVE SECRETS TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP
 

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans and who has a job.
2. It is important to find a man who makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man who is dependable and doesn't lie.
4. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5. It is important that these four men never meet.

"Bald Head Jokes"

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from
a relative. The parrot being a male sneaks out and screws
the next door neighbor's turkey and rushes back home before
being caught in the act.

The next door neighbor knocks on the door and explains what
the parrot has been up to. The owner of the parrot reprimands
him and tells him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave
the parrot's head.

That night the parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and
screws his neighbor's turkey again. The next morning the owner
ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.

The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and
in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot
they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment
he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in
the church.

The parrot is doing fine. "Groom's side to the left and Bride's
side to the right"

Then two bald guys walk in and he says, "All right, you two
turkey ****ers up here on the piano with me."
===================================-

Random thought:
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
===================================
Signs That You Really Are Going Bald...

1. People keep referring to you as 'Captain Picard'.
2. Your part keeps getting wider...and wider.
3. You wear a T-Shirt that says, "The more hair I lose, the more head I
get!"
4. People start calling you 'Mr. Clean'.
5. Your hair is actually 5 feet long because you use it to cover the
bald part!
6. You get more coupons for Rogaine than you get free America On-Line
disks.
7. The thought of growing your eyebrows to preposterous lengths and
combing them straight back actually crosses your mind.
8. People always chasing you with billiard sticks.
9. Your name is MICHAEL BOLTON!
10. In the morning, your wife tells you the sun rises twice!
11. You need sunglasses to look at your reflection in the mirror first
thing in the morning.
12. You're still using the same bottle of shampoo after two years...and
it ain't "economy-sized", neither!
13. The barber starts charging you less for hair-cuts.
14. Movie producers call you to star in a remake of Kojac.
15. You think William Shatner's hair piece looks pretty good!
16. You actually wear that, "Solar panel for a sex machine," t-shirt.
17. Each day takes longer to wash your face.
18. You no longer have a dandruff problem.
19. Your dog is irritated by how much you are shedding.
20. You're not just the President of the Hair Club for Men, you're now a
member.
====================================
Q: Why do bald men have holes in their trouser pockets?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair!
=======================
If you want a nice man, go for a bald one ... they try harder.
================================================
Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan
is sitting between them. The first Texan says,
" My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle
and they call my place The Jolly Roger"

The second Texan says, ' My name is John.
I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place
Big Johns'.

They both look down at the Jewish man who says, ' My name is Irving
and I own 300 acres ' .
Roger looks down at him and say, ' 300 Acres ? What do you raise ? '
'Notink' Irving says.
Well then, what do you call it?' Asked John.
'Downtown Dallas.'
====================================
I'M BUSIER THAN ...

... Michael Jackson in a day care center
... a dog with two dicks
... Richard Simmons on a fat farm
... a half-****ed fox during the heat season
... a two-peckered billy goat
... a black L.A. hooker in Hugh Grant's BMW
... a GOP victory party organizer
... a monkey trying to **** a football
... a toilet in Grand Central Station
... a gopher on a golf course
... a bar of soap at San Quentin
================================
Little Johnny is dressed as a pirate for Halloween. He knocks on the
door of a house and a lady answers. She says, "Well, well little boy,
what are you supposed to be?"

Little Johnny says, "I am a pirate."

She says, "Well--where are your buccaneers?"

"Right here under my bucken hat," replies Little Johnny
===========================================
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were
away the cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that
nights dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring
the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the
cooking"

"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
==============================================
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one
of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of
the house, he's sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him $5.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest,
"Thanks very much Father, you're a virgin."

The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy

has to paint the outside of the house; it's a really hot day and he
just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another $5
bill.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says,
"Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin".

At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says,
"that's twice you called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the
word means?".
"Yes," says the kid, " a tight **** "
============================================
I just hate stupid people.
They should have to wear signs that just say "I'M STUPID."
That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?
You wouldn't ask them anything.
It would be like, . . ."Excuse me...oops, nevermind-I didn't see your
sign."
=======================================
A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told
him he owed 4 dollars.

"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.

"Okay," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, you did."

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender
couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man then
rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled
the same stunt.

The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for
it."

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told
him how to get free drinks.

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when,
suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny
thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither
paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is
going to get punched right in the nose."

"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron
responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
==================================================
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me.
Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to
New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every
night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning
I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream,
just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your
hands."

Two weeks later the man with the over sex problem goes back to
the psychiatrist and says,
"Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their
friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can
barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd
take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your
service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from
Pittsburgh to New York."
========================
IF LIFE IS A WASTE OF TIME AND TIME IS A WASTE OF LIFE, THEN
LET'S ALL GET WASTED TOGETHER AND HAVE THE TIME OF OUR LIVES.









protect freedom, remeber to vote on Tuesday

=======================================
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 A.M. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was
perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his
watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN SWEDEN) he got in his
car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good
paying AMERICAN JOB.

At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN
BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN CHILE) and turned on
his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.
====================================
TEN WAYS TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE TOO OLD TO GO TRICK OR TREATING.

10. You get winded from knocking on the door.

9.You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.

8. You ask for high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.

5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.

4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.

3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.

2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.

1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
===================================
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR AT A TATTOO PARLOR...

"Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."

"We're all out of red, so I used pink."

"There are 2 Os in Bob, right?"

"That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named
Tahiti Sweetie."

"I HATE it when I get the hiccups."

"Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room
back here."

"The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a
nice waving effect."
================================
Did you hear condoms are now being sold with a free calling card? The attached instructions say, "If you can't come, call."
==================================
A tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and
start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel.

While he was doing his business, the Mother Superior surprised him. "OH! I am soooo sorry!"

"No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?"

A nun's asking to see his works freaked out the tourist but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, "What the hell?"

The nun looked at it for a bit, and as he was about to put it away, she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind?"

"This is really weird, but sure." The tourist was getting really excited. Who could say that a nun had tossed you off?

"Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down hispants.

The nun began fondling his testicles and suddenly straightened,and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls
(SQUEEZE) again!"
=======================================
WISDOM FROM GRANDPA

This touched me. This once again confirms that the most important
information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the
internet, but from a mentor and on a very personal level. My long-passed
grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to
reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives. The special
trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him,
and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted because I was young when
he died.

If he were alive today and sharing his gems of wisdom, I'd be a
better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most,
the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused,
looked me in the eye and said,
. . . "Son, Don't marry a woman with big hands.
It makes your pecker look smaller."
======================================












protect freedom, vote on Tuesday!

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes (Must Read Out Loud)

1) That's not right..............................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harboring a fugitive..................Hu Yu Hai Ding

3) See me ASAP...................................Kum Hia

4) Stupid Man....................................Dum Gai

5) Small Horse...................................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach.......................Wai Yu So Tan

7) I bumped the coffee table.....................Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift..................Chin Tu Fat

9) It's Very dark in here........................Wao So Dim

10) I Thought you were on a diet..................Wai Yu Mun Ching

11) This is a tow away zone.......................No Pah King

12) Our meeting was rescheduled........Wai Yu Kum Nao

13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile .................Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive...................Yu Stin Ki Pu

16) Great.........................................Fa Kin Su Pah

17) I Can't believe it............................... No Fu Kin Wai

One morning a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was
> >surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up
> >in her living room. The housewife explained she'd had a party the night
> >before. They had played a game called "Who's Who's," in which each of the
> >men had put their equipment through the hole and the women had tried to
> >guess their identity.
> >"Gee, that sounds like fun," said the mailman. "Sure wish I'd been
> >there."
> >"You should have been," the housewife informed him."Your name came upthree
> >times!"
> >
> >

An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligators." Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill

In Georgia, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing
the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat
and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true
mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why are you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' - can I sue Budweiser
for all the ugly women I've slept with?"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon
getting home, the man informs his wife of his new purchase. "Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so
special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear
tonight?"
she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."









THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM - EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME ...

I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift
certificate they're supposed to send me.
Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old
Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to
10 people.
I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER --NEVER !!
There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that
someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did
when he was 7 years old. He is now
cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.
The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week)
that, if passed, will enable them to
charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will
receive immediately after I forward an
e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individual dying of some never-heard-of
disease for every e-mail address I
send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend
or that I don't believe in Jesus Christ. If
God wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to
pass it on!
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your
friends before the next full moon or you will
surely be constipated for the next three months and all of your hair will fall out!

Just Kidding...








A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the
most religious.
(Now that in itself could be the joke - but it's not :)

"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end
had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper
under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had
stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite
the Koran by memory."

"One day while fishing," started the Christian," I was in my little dinghy
in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down
in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed
and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children
about Him."

"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew," I was in my most
expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a
black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand
inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come
as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays.
But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
for 500 feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"

*******************************************








Two peanuts walk into a bar One was a salted
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A jump-lead walks
into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A sandwich walks
into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Dyslexic man walks
into a bra.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a
bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the
road."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two aerials meet on
a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals are
eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- "Doc, I can't stop
singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cows standing
next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated
this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two hydrogen atoms
walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are
you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man takes his
Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for
him? " Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and
examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to
put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really
heavy"
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two elephants walk
off a cliff...... boom boom!
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or
my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some
camoflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the
butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat
off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned
in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in
hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my
legs!" The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
--------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood
disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting
in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
--------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man
was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.



Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Lori

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie

Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth

Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Lori

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie

Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth."



Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" a little girl asked. "No I don't
think
so._Fifi_ is in heat." replied the_mother. "What does that mean ?" asked the
child._Embarrassed
and not wanting to get into a biological discussion with her young daughter the mother
said
"Oh, just go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the
garage
and says,"Dad may I take Fifi for a walk around the block? I asked mom, but she said Fifi
was
in heat, and I had to come talk to you." Not wanting to have the biological discussion
either,
the father said,"Bring Fifi over here." he took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and
scurbbed
the dog's rear end with it. "Okay, now you can go for a walk, but keep Fifi on the leash
and
you can only go around the block once." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes
later
with NO DOG on the leash. "Where is Fifi?" asked her father. "She ran out of gas about
halfway
down the block and another dog is pushing her home"











This little boy goes up to his father and he says "Dad? what's the difference between
Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father says "well son, go ask your mother if
she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would
sleep
with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom
Cruise
for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mother and asks her if she would sleep
with
Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "oh my god of course I would,
he
is so good looking!" so the boy goes to his sister and asks her if she would sleep with
Brad
Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ****ing fine, of course I would!"
then
the boy goes to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million
dollars, and the brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million dollars?" so
he
goes to his father and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and
realilstically" "well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well potentially we're
sitting
on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 sluts and a fag."

On their first night together, a newleywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of
the
bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says "My dear, we are
married
now, you can take off your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe and he is
astonished. "Oh, oh.aaahhh." he exclaims "my god you are so beautiful, let me take your
picture." puzzled she asks him "my picture?" he answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your
beauty next to my heart forever." She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads
into
the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks "why do you
wear a
robe? we are married now" at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims "oh,OH, OH MY,
let me
get a picture." He beams and asks why, she answers "So I can get it enlarged."




A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears
a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around: nobody's there. "I am having
hallucinations," he thinks. Then he hears the voice
again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands,
and after some inches, he finds a small chest with
a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a
rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the
chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the
man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of
roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables
where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

The man takes the whole pile and drops it at the
27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet
when the croupier throws the ball.

The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: OOOPS!






Top Ten Things You Should Never Say to a Woman During an Argument....

10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?"
9. "Ohh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off."
8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread."
7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?"
6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?"
5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked."
4. "Whoa, time out honey. Football is on."
3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning."
2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT....

1. "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing ain't loaded"






Here's a list of things your wife should say...in
your dreams...!!!

1. I'll swallow it all...I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my *****.
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Please do another one.
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hung over.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you and then go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler?
10. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses?
11. I'll be out painting the house.
12. I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play Saturday
too.
13. Honey...our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see.
14. No, no, I'll take the car and have the oil changed.
15. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's Day thing and buy yourself some new
clubs.
17. I fully understand...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake, you go
hunting with the guys, it's a
wonderful stress reliever.
18. Oh come on, what do you say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer and have my
friend Diana over for a
threesome?
19. Not the ****ing mall again. Come on let's go to that new strip joint?
20. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that
nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. You need your sleep you big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
22. God...if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
================================

The Creation Of *****

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a ***** to their design. First was a
carpenter, strong and bold, using a
hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit.
Then came a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, using a piece of fur, he lined it without.
Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it and said it could
pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt, he ****ed it and sucked it and called it a ****.
=====================

REQUEST FOR PROMOTION!

The male sexual organ REQUESTS A PROMOTION and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard;
- has to work at great depths;
- has to work upside down;
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work;
- has to work in a high humidity environment;
- has to work at high temperatures;
- does not get weekends and holidays off;
- does not get time off after extra hours of work;
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness.

REQUEST DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row;
- does not answer immediately to all requests;
- does not have a degree;
- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work;
- shows no fidelity to the workplace;
- retires too early;
- does not work at all unless pushed from behind;
- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.
================================
The English Language

Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
===================================



Two women, Connie and Lori who were
rivals in a social circle met at a party.

"My dear," said Connie "Are those real pearls?"

"They are," replied Lori

"Of course the only way I could tell would be for me
to bite them." Smiled Connie

Lori responded "Yes, but for that you would need
real teeth."

************************************************** *******
NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES:

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon
a set of tracks.

One blonde said that they were deer tracks.

The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.
************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Q. What is long and hard; has a hole at the tip and when
inserted into a deep, slimy, hairy hole, can make you
feel better?
A. VICKS INHALER!

************************************************** *******

"A California man has been taken to court for stalking Anna
Nicole Smith. The man has been charged with
invasion of privacy, illegal trespassing, and having really
bad taste." -- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******
In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a society cat who was a bit of
a snob, though she did chat occasionally with her neighbor, an
alley cat.

One day, she announced that she was about to have an
operation, although she didn't mention what it was for. Two
weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired
politely how she was feeling. Then he dared to ask what kind
of operation she had.

"I am quite well now, thank you," the society cat
replied, stiffly. "I'm recovering from a hysterectomy."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in
exasperation. "Why can't you just call a spay a spayed?"

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"I like to be a ***** so much that it pisses me off when my
period ends."

In New York City there is a school for transvestites. Guys
can go there and learn how to dress and act like women.
You've heard of William and Mary? At this school William IS
Mary. --Jay Leno

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes
to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors
standing around his bed.

"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the
surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were
forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have
a vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience
another erection?"

"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"When **** becomes valuable, the poor will be born
without assholes." -- Henry Miller

"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women.
Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is
kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife."
-- Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to Gulf War troops

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Bonehead Award

A "stupidest lawsuit in the world" Bonehead Award goes to
Kenneth Bianchi, a.k.a. the "Hillside Strangler" for filing a
lawsuit against Whatcom County, Washington, in which he is
seeking hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost wages and
emotional distress for his having plead guilty to serial
murder charges. He said had the police been honest with him
about not having as much evidence against him as he thought
they had that he would have tried beating the murder charges
instead of admitting to them.

Bianchi is currently serving a 118-year jail term in
Washington after which he would then serve five life
terms in California.

Seattle Post-Intelligencer 27-Jun-02







If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

"I'm so embarrassed. I told everyone that Soylent Green is
people, but if you read the label closely, it says
it's actually made from "artificial people flavoring."
---Bob Van Voris

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Proverbs of the 3rd Millenium

* Home is where you hang your @.

* The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* Great groups from little icons grow.

* Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

* In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

* Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

* Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* There's no place like your homepage.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never
to have loved a tall."

General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc. If the Post
company bought these brands, then I have a new product for
them: take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a
little cinnamon and sugar, and voila! New, Post Dated
hex! -- Calman Fine

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Retirement

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.
As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old
ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked
closer, he saw they were all stark naked!

He went to the front door and rang the bell. When the
director answered, the man asked if he realized he had nine
naked old ladies in his front yard.

The director said: "Yes, I know. They all live here.
They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

What do people in China call their good plates?

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance
called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her
class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then
side-step side-step and turn around"
-- Peter Bergt

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
You will receive 823,542 women

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order
to make their sex life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing,
and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail
to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a
large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send
it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your
name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

* 0.5 miss worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off
and, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to
be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of
9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old
dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine
attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living
with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved
out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the
chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in
6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying
in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL .

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations
about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you
can screw her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no
unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your
best friends.

P.S.: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they
may soon undertake.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

"Police in L.A. are out there trying to arrest Motley
Crue singer Vince Neil because they claim he hit a man outside
a nightclub. If Neil did attack the man, it
would be Motley Crue's first hit since 1985."
-- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******

************************************************** *******
NOT ONE, BUT TWO BLONDES:

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon
a set of tracks.

One blonde said that they were deer tracks.

The other blonde said that they were moose tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.
************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Q. What is long and hard; has a hole at the tip and when
inserted into a deep, slimy, hairy hole, can make you
feel better?
A. VICKS INHALER!

************************************************** *******

"A California man has been taken to court for stalking Anna
Nicole Smith. The man has been charged with
invasion of privacy, illegal trespassing, and having really
bad taste." -- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******
In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a society cat who was a bit of
a snob, though she did chat occasionally with her neighbor, an
alley cat.

One day, she announced that she was about to have an
operation, although she didn't mention what it was for. Two
weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired
politely how she was feeling. Then he dared to ask what kind
of operation she had.

"I am quite well now, thank you," the society cat
replied, stiffly. "I'm recovering from a hysterectomy."

"Oh, for heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in
exasperation. "Why can't you just call a spay a spayed?"

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"I like to be a ***** so much that it pisses me off when my
period ends."

In New York City there is a school for transvestites. Guys
can go there and learn how to dress and act like women.
You've heard of William and Mary? At this school William IS
Mary. --Jay Leno

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes
to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors
standing around his bed.

"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the
surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were
forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have
a vagina instead of a penis."

"What!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience
another erection?"

"Oh, you might," the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"When **** becomes valuable, the poor will be born
without assholes." -- Henry Miller

"While you are away, movie stars are taking your women.
Robert Redford is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is
kissing your lady, Bart Simpson is making love to your wife."
-- Baghdad Betty, Iraqi radio announcer, to Gulf War troops

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Bonehead Award

A "stupidest lawsuit in the world" Bonehead Award goes to
Kenneth Bianchi, a.k.a. the "Hillside Strangler" for filing a
lawsuit against Whatcom County, Washington, in which he is
seeking hundreds of thousands of dollars in lost wages and
emotional distress for his having plead guilty to serial
murder charges. He said had the police been honest with him
about not having as much evidence against him as he thought
they had that he would have tried beating the murder charges
instead of admitting to them.

Bianchi is currently serving a 118-year jail term in
Washington after which he would then serve five life
terms in California.

Seattle Post-Intelligencer 27-Jun-02







If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

"I'm so embarrassed. I told everyone that Soylent Green is
people, but if you read the label closely, it says
it's actually made from "artificial people flavoring."
---Bob Van Voris

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Proverbs of the 3rd Millenium

* Home is where you hang your @.

* The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

* A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

* You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

* Great groups from little icons grow.

* Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

* In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

* Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

* Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

* The modem is the message.

* Too many clicks spoil the browse.

* The geek shall inherit the earth.

* Don't byte off more than you can view.

* Fax is stranger than fiction.

* What boots up must come down.

* Windows will never cease.

* Virtual reality is its own reward.

* Modulation in all things.

* There's no place like your homepage.

* Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

"It's better to have loved and lost a short person than never
to have loved a tall."

General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc. If the Post
company bought these brands, then I have a new product for
them: take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a
little cinnamon and sugar, and voila! New, Post Dated
hex! -- Calman Fine

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
Retirement

A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home.
As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old
ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked
closer, he saw they were all stark naked!

He went to the front door and rang the bell. When the
director answered, the man asked if he realized he had nine
naked old ladies in his front yard.

The director said: "Yes, I know. They all live here.
They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

What do people in China call their good plates?

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance
called the Politician. "All you have to do" she told her
class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then
side-step side-step and turn around"
-- Peter Bergt

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******
You will receive 823,542 women

This chain letter was developed by virile men in order
to make their sex life even more fantastic.

As opposed to normal chain letters, this one costs nothing,
and you can only win. Simply send this e-mail
to 9 of your best friends who are just as virile as you.

Then anaesthetize your wife/girlfriend, put her in a
large carton (don't forget some ventilation holes), and send
it to the person who is at the top of your list. Soon, your
name will be at the top of the list, and you will receive
823,542 women through the post.

Statistically, among those women, will be at least:

* 0.5 miss worlds
* 2.5 models
* 463 wild nymphos
* 3,234 good-looking nymphos
* 20,198 who enjoy multiple orgasms
* 40,198 bi-sexual women

In total, that is 64,294 women who are simply hornier, less
inhibited, and tastier than the grumpy old bag you posted off
and, best of all, your original package is guaranteed not to
be one of those that come back to you.

DO NOT BREAK THIS CHAIN LETTER

One bloke for example who sent the letter to only 5 instead of
9 of his friends got his original bird back, still in the old
dressing gown he sent her off in, with the same old migraine
attack, and the accusatorial expression on her face.

On the same day, the international supermodel he'd been living
with since he sent off his old girlfriend moved
out to live with his best friend (to whom he had not sent the
chain letter.)

While I am sending this letter, the bloke that is in
6th place above me has already received 837 women and is lying
in hospital suffering from exhaustion.
Outside his ward are 452 more packages.

YOU MUST BELIEVE THIS E-MAIL .

This is a unique opportunity to achieve a totally satisfying
sex life. No expensive meals out, no lengthy conversations
about trivialities (that only interest women) just so that you
can screw her.

No obligations, no grumpy mother-in-law, and no
unpleasant surprises like marriage or engagement.

Do not hesitate: send this letter today to 9 of your
best friends.

P.S.: This letter can also be copied to women you know so that
they can prepare themselves for the great adventure that they
may soon undertake.

************************************************** *******
************************************************** *******

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

"Police in L.A. are out there trying to arrest Motley
Crue singer Vince Neil because they claim he hit a man outside
a nightclub. If Neil did attack the man, it
would be Motley Crue's first hit since 1985."
-- Conan O'Brien

************************************************** *******

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a
British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about
the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when
she met Pekka on the street.

"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"

"Yah, I was in the infantry."

"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"

"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first
thing you did?"

"I ****ed my wife," Pekka said bluntly.

The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the
subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I ****ed her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than
that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."
======================================
Young Tim has just finished high school and, not being too bright,
he wants to get a job at a local mechanic's workshop in Christchurch.

Tim spies this advert for a job in a Motor Spares Shop and hurries over.
Unfortunately, when he steps in there are already 2 guys there before him.

Tim with tears in his eyes explains to the manager that he really needs
the job. Manager looks at him and says, "You know what Tim - I'd really
like to give you this job but see these two guys are here before you ..
you're going to have be really something special to get this job you know!"

Tim thinks now, mmmm, and then he says, "well boss, there is one thing -
if you take a spark plug and stick it into my arse - I can tell you what
type of spark plug it is."

The manager goes "Wow .. that's something - lets test you out!"

So Tim turns around and drops his pants. The boss takes a Bosch spark plug
and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... Bosch!!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, that's really something - but lets test you out
again!"

He takes a NGK spark plug and shoves it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeee ..... NGK !!".

The boss, goes .. "Wow, you're really good .. but, one more time - I need
to be sure. "

Boss thinks now, lets catch this guy out! He unzips his pants, takes out
his penis and sticks it into Tim's arse.

Tim goes "eeeeeeeeeeeee .... Champion!!!"
==================================
It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and
therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships
because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her
inability to satisfy them sexually.

So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she
decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the
butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date
and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up
some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.

Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST
time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and
fall asleep in each other's arms.

Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs
and thinks, "Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I'm doomed to end
up an old maid."

She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table...
"Dear Annie, Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time,
and I think you are WONDERFUL!

Sorry I had to leave so early, but I'll call you later and I hope we can
get together again REAL SOON!
Love You,
Bill
(P.S. Your ****'s in the sink)
=============================