Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true." responded the lawyer.
"And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"
"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"
"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I've slept with ?"

GETTING INTO HEAVEN
Thought for the day
Who knew it was so simple.



Asking the children in my Sunday School class, "If I
sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money
to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"NO"! the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard,
and kept everything neat
and tidy, would I get into Heaven"?

Again, the answer was "NO"!

"Well," I continued, "then how can I get to Heaven?"

In the back of the room, a 5 yr. old boy shouted out,
"You gotta be dead"!

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of
his young players, "Do
you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded
yes.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we
win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called,
or you are out at
first, you don't argue or curse or attack the
umpire. Do you understand all
that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and
explain it to your mother."

-----------------
Two guys are in a locker room after their
racquetball game when one guy
notices the other has a cork in his rectum.

"If you don't mind me saying," said the second,
"that cork looks terribly
uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

"I can't," lamented the first man. "It's permanent."

"I don't understand," said the other.

The first guy says, "I was walking along the beach
and I tripped over an oil
lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man
in a turban came oozing
out. He said, "I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you
one wish."

And I said, "No ****."

------------
He has a one-track mind, and the traffic on it is
very light.

He paid $500 to have his family tree searched, and
found out he was the sap.

There are times he has something on his mind -- he
wears a hat occasionally.

His neck reminds you of a typewriter -- Underwood.

The only time he thinks is in a poolroom, where he
can rack his brains.

If you want the real dope about anything, go to the
real dope -- HIM!

He bought a topless bathing suit for his
half-sister.

A traffic judge asked him, Have you ever been up
before me?" And he said,
"I don't know, what time do you get up?"

Once he saw an old woman fall down, but didn't help
her up. His mother
warned him against having anything to do with fallen
women.

He's never bought Christmas seals --says he wouldn't
know what to feed them.

He carried a double-barreled gun to the ball game,
because he heard the
Lions were playing the Tigers.

He called it quits when his fourth child was born,
because he read that
every fifth child born is Chinese!

He won't let his daughter go to college because he
heard that sthe students
have to show their professors their thesis.

The first time he heard about the Boston Tea Party,
he asked who the caterer
was.

When a beggar asked him, "Do you have a quarter for
a sandwhich?" he said
"Let's see the sandwhich

------------------
He's so dumb, he thinks the Kentucky Derby is a hat.

He's never slept with his wife. He says it isn't
honorable to sleep with a
married woman.

He's so dumb, he thinks the English Channel is a
British T.V. station.

He's so dumb, he thinks the St. Louis Cardinals are
appointed by the Pope.

He lost his dog, but he won't put an ad in the
newspaper. He says it's no
use -- his dog can't read.

He still hasn't bought an electric toothbrush. He
doesn't know if his teeth
are AC or DC.

He jumped off the bus backwards when he heard
someone say, "Let's grab his
seat when he gets off."

He heard that a man gets hit by an automobile every
twenty minutes. He said,
"What a glutton for punishment, that guy!"

-------------------
Funny Jokes: Big Date
Emily, I don't know what to do, "Gloria said to her
friend at work. "That
good-looking Bill in accounting asked me out for
Saturday night. Should I
go?"
"Oh, my God, "her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you,
dine you and then use
any ruse to get you to his apartment. Then he'll rip
off your dress and
you'll have fantastic sex."

"Well, what should I do?" she asked.

"Wear an Old dress."

----------------
Beautiful Grammar Lesson

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the
teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful"
in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
it."

Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully," he
said. Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last
night, at the dinner table,
my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and
he said, "Oh that's
beautiful, just beautiful!"

--------------
Fishing Trip
Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the
equipment - the reels,
the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car,
and even a cabin in the
woods.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch
anything. The same thing
happens on the second day, and on the third day. It
goes on like this until
finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of
the rednecks finally
catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed.
One guy turns to the other
and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish
we caught cost us fifteen
hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we
didn't catch any more!"

------------------

Spelling
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with
magnetic letters on the
refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom have been
proudly displayed for all to
see. One morning while getting ready for the day, he
bounded into the room
with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three
magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on
his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put
them on the fridge so
Dad can see when he gets home tonight." The mom
happily thought that the
Catholic education is certainly having an impact.

Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen.
"Mom? How do you spell
zilla?"

--------------
Kindergarten Smarts
One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the
class of five-year-olds,
"I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who was
the most famous man who
ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "Please miss,
it was St. Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."
Then a Scottish boy put
his hand up and said, "Please miss, it was St.
Andrew." The teacher replied,
"I'm sorry Hamish, that's not right either."
Finally, a Jewish boy raised
his hand and said, "Please miss, it was Jesus
Christ." The teacher said,
"That's absolutely right Hymie, come up here and
I'll give you your $2."

As the teacher was giving Hymie his money, she said
"You know Hymie, you
being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus
Christ," to which Hymie
replied, "I know miss, in my heart I knew it was
Moses, but business is
business."

A couple take on an 18 year old college girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the local bar for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the young girl didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:"Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there.
Do you have hairs?" "Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why did you have to show her yours?"
"Why?," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said,............"but the darts team hadn't!"

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

There are only ten times in history the "F" word has been acceptable
for
use:

10. "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

9. "Look at all them @#$%ing Indians!" - Custer, 1877

8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

4. "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937

3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers....My ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$%'s going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,
1999

And . . . drum roll . . . .

1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @#$%ing mad." - Osama bin
Laden,

New York humor
 

A construction boss in Boston was interviewing men when along came a guy
named Vinny from New York. I'm not hiring any wise-ass New Yorker, the
foreman thought, so he made up a test hoping that Vinny wouldn't be able to
answer the questions, and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting
into a dispute.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers,
represent the number 9."

"Widout numbiz?" Vinny says. "Dat's easy," and he proceeds to draw 3 trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

The New Yorker replies, "Ain't you got no brains?
Tree 'n Tree 'n Tree makes nine. Faghedaboutit"

"Fair enough," says the Boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same
rules, but this time use the number 99.

" Vinny stares into space for a minute, then picks up the picture he drew
and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dare ya go, Buddy."

The Boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to
represent 99?

" Vinny says "Each a da tree's is dirty now! So it's dirty tree 'n dirty
tree' n dirty tree-dat's 99."

The Boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the New Yorker, so
he says, "All right, last question. Same rules but this time use 100."

Vinny stares into space again, then picks up the picture once again, makes
a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dare ya go,Mac, a hunnert."

The Boss looks at the picture for a moment and says, "You must be nuts if you
think that represents 100!"

New York Vinny leans forward and points to the marks at the base of the
trees. "A little doggie comes along and takes a crap on each of dem trees,
so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a
turd --
which makes one hundred. Bada boom, bada bing. When do I freakin' start?"

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most
successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.

"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a
penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the
community?"

The lawyer replied: "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with
medical bills several times her annual income?"

"Um, no," mumbled the director.

"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director
began to stammer out an apology.

"Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"

The humiliated director said simply, "I had no idea."

"So," said the lawyer, "if I don't give any money to them, why would I
give any to you?"

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"
Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"
As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie, throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard. Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do you."
Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."
Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"
Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me, 'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"
Looking her over carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute! I haven't added them up yet!"

A Shepherd's Story
 

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him
and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit,
Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and
asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in
your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the young guy,
then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure." The
young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to
a cell phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS
satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and
some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a
150-page report on his hi-tech turned around to our shepherd and said, "You
have here exactly 1,586 sheep!" "Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed,
you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee. When he was finished the shepherd said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and who you work for, will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not," answered the young man. "You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd. "That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?" "Easy," answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up here anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question I already knew the answer to. And, you don't know squat about my business because you just took my dog.

MULTIPLE CHOICE
A woman who is uncomfortable watching a guy masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can
cope with that sort of intimacy.
b) Is uptight and a waste of time.
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first plac

Finally!! found out what RELATIVE HUMIDITY is.............

It's the water that runs down the crack of your sister-in-laws a$$ while your making love to her.....

CORPORATE LESSON 2
 

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he
stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.
The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car,
he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun looked at him and immediately said, Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to
remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her
leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance
and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
CORPORATE LESSON 3
A sales rep, a secretary and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie
comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, I usually only grant three
wishes, so I' ll give each of you just one.
Me first! Me first! says the secretary. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want
those two back in the office after lunch.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Always let your boss have the first say

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it.
That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook.
He pulled one aside and asked, ..."Did I screw up the cooking"
"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."

Smart guys, those Marines
 

There was an Marine deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he

received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up AND she wants pictures of herself back. So the Marine does what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry but I can't remember which one you are but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back.

67 more
 

A girl brings an inexperienced guy home one night. They get into her
apartment, and immediately she suggests that they do "69."

"What the hell is that?" Asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she trys to explain "I put my head in
between your legs, and you put your head in between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the
moment, he agrees to try it. The second they get into position, she lets
out a rip-roaring fart!

"What was that for???" He asks.

"Ooops!..sorry, let's try it again" she says. So, they get into position
again, and..once more she lets a big one loose! The guy gets up and
starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going??" She asks.

The guy says "if you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those,
you're crazy!!"

In Melbourne,Florda one of the radio stations paid moneh ($100 to $500) for people to tell their most embarrassing stories. this one netted the winner $500.....I was due that week for an appointment with the gynecologist when early one morning a call from the doctor's office. I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 a.m. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and around 8:45 a.m. already. The trip to the doctor's office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have time to spare. As most women do, I am sure, I like take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed up stairs, threw off my robe, wet the wash cloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink,taking extra care to make sure I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the hamper, put on my clothes in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the wating room only a few minutes when the doctor called me in. knowing the procedure,as I am sure you do.I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little suprised when the doctor said "My.....We've taken a little extra effort this morning, havn't we?....but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, ect, at 8:30 that evening, my 14-year-old daughter was getting ready to go to school dance, when she call down from the bathroom, "Mom-where's my washcloth?' I called back for her to get one from the linen closet. She called back, "No- I need that one that was here by the sink- it had my glitter and sparkles in it for the dance tonight"

A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's
going home for Rosh Hashanah.



The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the holiday
when you light the candles?"


"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Chanukah."


The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that the
holiday when you eat the unleavened bread?"


"No," the Jewish girl replies. "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah
is the holiday when we blow the shofar."


"See," the Catholic Girl replies. "That's what I like about you
Jews...you're so good to your help."

Police office George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said "Damn, I was running late this morning and forgot to put on my panties!
We have to go back to the station to get them." George replied
"We don't have to go back, just give Fido, my trusty police dog, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day, and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.
After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.
Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.
Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
"I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis."
"What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill
on your penis?"
"Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow...
"Number two, once in awhile, I like to play with my money...
"And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!"