Want to truly understand your man? Just simply match the questions of "What A Man Says" with "What A Man Wants". Give yourself one point
for each correct answer!
"What A Man Says"
1. "These flowers are for you."
2. "Can I have your number?"
3. "You look beautiful."
4. "I've enjoyed tonight."
5. "What we have is special."
6."I love you."

"What A Man Wants"
A. Sex
B. Sex
C. Sex
D. Sex
E. Sex
F. Sex
==============
A young man goes to his doctor with a personal problem. He pulls down his pants and displays a rather long and large penis.
"So, what's the problem?" the doctor asks.
"I can't get beyond a first date with a woman. A kiss,a touch or even just a whiff of her perfume and whammm! I get this tent in my pants."
The doctor thinks for a moment. "Well, drugs are really out of the question, they could have some long term side effects. Have you tried
strapping it to your leg?"
The young man agrees to try it.
A couple of days pass and the doctor runs into his patient on the street."So, how did things work out?"
"Okay, at first," the young man admits sheepishly. "I took this girl out on a first date, we had a great time,and with it strapped to my leg my
erection wasn't so obvious. When I took her home, she leaned over to give me a goodnight kiss on the front steps, giving me a peek down her
blouse, and that's when it happened."
"What?"
"That's when I kicked her right in the face!"
================================
Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was met with this response
by the secretary. "This is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like to talk about?"
Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and replied sarcastically, "I want to order a hamburger with fries. For Christ's sake, why would I call a
doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need to see the doctor."
"Fine," replied the secretary, "I can make an appointment for you. Let me see, ahhhh yes, I have an appointment one week from next Friday."
"Great," said Mrs. Jones, "I'll have my mortician drop me off then!"
==========================
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status
figures in Rome. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything
to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have
any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the
beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very
grudgingly, he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the
beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept
thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down
and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden, he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right
over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They
were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.
It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out
there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My
wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of
his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the
stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a
very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this
time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the
snails, and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!"
========================

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and
dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after
the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the
revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in
there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense,"
said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and
he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the
whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of
applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the
statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
==========================

A pastor walked into a neighborhood pub. The place was hopping with music and
dancing but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after
the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the
revelers saw the town pastor, the room went dead silent.

He walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the pastor asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked woman in
there, and her most private part is covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense,"
said the pastor, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and
he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out, and the
whole place was hopping with music and dancing again.

However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of
applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the
statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
.
However, they did stop just long enough to give the pastor a loud round of
applause.

He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they
applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a
drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the
statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

Social Evolution?

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well
fed. Grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

DEMOCRATIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The
grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper
calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving. CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the
ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is
allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries then they sing "It's Not Easy Being
Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We
shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to G-d for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and
calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried,
before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the
case. The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house
he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't
maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of
spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

VOTE REPUBLICAN!

DOSAGE: It is recommended that you read only one of these per day.
Trying to absorb all at once may cause confusion or nausea.....

1. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
2. What's a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backwards poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
minor.
11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
17. Every calendar's days are numbered.
18. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
20. He had a photographic memory that never developed.
21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
22. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.
23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
24. Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
26. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought
she'd dye.
27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
=================
A woman who was wearing a tight mini skirt and waiting for a bus.
When the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her to lift her leg up high
enough to step onto the bus.

With a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough
slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only
to discover she still couldn't...

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted
the step,and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not
raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step...

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
yelled,
"How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured
we was friends."
===================
The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.
=====================
I have a friend who got those new saline breast implants.
She lay in the sun so long they evaporated. All she has now
is two double-D salt shakers.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me.
Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.

."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The big three auto makers in Detroit were considering putting the high-beam dimmer switch back down on the floor, so they decided to take a
poll. Among those polled were 1000 blondes.
The most frequent response was: "Well how the hell am I sup- posed to reach for it way down there?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara Falls.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Linda (a blonde) and Jill were chatting over coffee.
Said Linda, "I've been experiencing a strange and painful side effect from coffee. I'm fine when I drink it black, but if I use cream, or sugar, or
both, I get a stabbing pain in one eye."
Linda took a sip of her coffee. "Owwwww!" she cried.
"There it goes again!"
Said Jill, "Linda... take the spoon out of the cup."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion:
"Oh, $40 a year isn't too bad."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.

"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.

"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me."

"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?"

"Neither, He's bald."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A neutron in a bar has just finished his drink. "How much do I owe you?" the neutron asks the bartender.
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Pets are loving, trusting creatures. Do not treat them with the same cruelty and neglect you do your husband."
=======================
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet

What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.

What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same
time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay
on their face.

Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of
the tops of their heads.

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

Do you know what drag is?
It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

What's the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker.
================
Q. Why do farts stink?
A. So deaf people can enjoy them too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy
my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."
==================

My friend Richard comes home very late, and very drunk, and his wife is waiting for him at the door. She says, "You've been out screwing
another woman, haven't you?"

He says, "Nope."

She says, "Then explain the lipstick on your shirt."

He says, "That's easy. I used my shirt to wipe off my dick."
=============================

If Men Ruled The World




1- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

2- Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in every leap year.

4- On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6- Garbage would take itself out.

7- Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per view event
in world history.

8- The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle".

9- Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11- Two words... "Ally McNaked".

12- When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop : "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14- Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15- Every man would get four real "Get Out of Jail Free" cards per year.

16- Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17- The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

18- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

19- Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

20- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

21- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

22- The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

23- "Sorry I'm late, but I was wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

24- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right
into your car.

25- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
=====================================
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

he nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand. I want her to scream out my name."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into an ice-cream shop with his wife and his son. He says, "I'll have a chocolate cone."

The wife says, "I'll have a vanilla cone."

Then he slaps his son in the back of the head and says, "What do you want, fat head?"

The lady behind the counter says, "Why'd did you smack him and call him fat head?"

The husband says, "There are three things in life a man wants. The first thing is a nice big truck. You see that nice big truck sitting out there?
That's mine.

The second thing a man wants in life is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's mine.

The third thing a man wants in life is a nice tight *****. And I had that, until fat head came along."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Teacher asks her class, "What is the animal depicted on a weather vane?"

Little Johnny, the infamous troublemaker, says, "I know, teacher, I know."

Against her better judgment she calls on him and he says, "Teacher, it is a cock."

Teacher asks the class, "Why is a cock on a weather vane?"
"I know, I know, teacher," says Johnny.
"OK, Johnny, Why?"

"Because, teacher, if it had a **** on it, the wind would whistle right through it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who are the most famous black women in history?
Aunt Jemima and Mother xxxxer!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Keli: Mary, what exactly is an "oxymoron"?

Anni: It's a phrase made up of contradictory terms, like "deafening silence."

Keli: Oh, I get it. Like "Mr. Perfect"!
===============================
Top 25 Country Songs

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Sold A Car To the Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him, Cause,you can't quail hunt
without a good dog!
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number one Country and Western song is:

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women,
But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
===========================

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her
left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not
all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy ****! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he
hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

=================================================
Jake was on his deathbed.

His wife Susan, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his
fragile hand, tears ran down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly.

"My darling Susan," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said."Rest. Shhh. Don't talk."

He was insistent. "Susan," he said in his tired voice. "I have
something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Susan.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Susan. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, and your mother."

"I know," she replied. "That's why I poisoned you."
==================================
Abstinence makes the Church grow Fondlers!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My wife is the most suspicious person in the world,"
complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. "If I come home early, she thinks I'm after something. And if I come home late, she
thinks I've already had it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why do we have orgasms?
How else would we know when to stop?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While inspecting their honeymoon hotel room the bride discovered a little box attached to the bed.

"What's this for?" she asked her husband.


"If you put a quarter in," he answered, reaching into his pocket,"the bed starts vibrating."

"Save your money," she said. "When you're a quarter in, I start vibrating!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do you call two pigs fighting?

Ham to Ham Combat.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of
paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it ?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ashes to ashes, Dust to dust, If it weren't for women Men's dicks would rust
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A politician was making a speech in the heart of the slum area. "When I'm elected," he thundered, "you won't see that long, dreary breadline.
When I'm elected, there'll be two breadlines-one for white and one for rye!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.
======================================

EVERYTHING YOU HAVE EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT POOP
( I found this to be very informative, and silly at the same time. Read it all! You'll be a more educated
person for it! ~Jen )
What is poop made of? About 3/4 of your average turd is made of water. Of course, this value is highly
variable - the water content of diarrhea is much higher, and the amount of water in poop that has been
retained (voluntarily or otherwise) is lower. Water is absorbed out of fecal material as it passes through
the intestine, so the longer a turd resides inside before emerging, the drier it will be. Of the remaining
portion of the turd, about 1/3 is composed of dead bacteria. These microcorpses come from the intestinal
garden of microorganisms that assist us in the digestion of our food. Another 1/3 of the turd mass is
made of stuff that we find indigestible, like cellulose, for instance. This indigestible material is called
"fiber," and is useful in getting the turd to move along through the intestine, perhaps because it provides
traction. The remaining portion of the turd is a mixture of fats such as cholesterol, inorganic salts like
phosphates, live bacteria, dead cells and mucus from the lining of the intestine, and protein.
Why does poop stink? Poop stinks as a result of the products of bacterial action. Bacteria produce
smelly, sulfur-rich organic compounds such as indole, skatole, and mercaptans, and the inorganic gas
hydrogen sulfide. These are the same compounds that give farts their odor.
Why is poop brown? The color comes mainly from bilirubin, a pigment that arises from the breakdown
of red blood cells in the liver and bone marrow. The actual metabolic pathway of bilirubin and its
byproducts in the body is very complicated, so we will simply say that a lot of it ends up in the intestine,
where it is further modified by bacterial action. But the color itself comes from iron. Iron in hemoglobin in
red blood cells gives blood its red color, and iron in the waste product bilirubi gives rise to its brown color.

What other colors of poop are possible? Poop is mostly shades of brown or yellow, but other colors
can arise under certain circumstances. For example, someone with a bleeding ulcer might have tarry
black poop from the presence of partially digested blood. Bleeding in the intestine, from an anal fissure or
split, for example, can stain the poop red. Some illnesses in babies give them green or even blue-green
poop. But another source of blue poop in children is more innocent: it can come from eating a
concentrated source of blue food coloring such as ice cream. Intense red food coloring can produce
bright red poop. Sometimes brightly colored foods pass through the gut almost unchanged, and the turd
may be speckled with bright red fragments such as pimentos, or bright yellow kernels of corn. One can
experience white poop after consuming a barium milkshake for the purposes of getting an x-ray of the
upper gastrointestinal tract.
Why do dogs eat poop? Many animals eat poop on a regular basis. These include rabbits, rodents,
gorillas, many insects such as dung beetles and flies, and yes, dogs. (Keep that in mind the next time a
dog wants to lick you!) Herbivores such as rabbits and rodents eat their own poop because their diet of
plants is hard to digest efficiently, and they have to make two passes at it to get everything out of the
meal. This is equivalent to a cow chewing its cud; only cows are able to re-eat their food without having
to poop it out first. Another reason why animals eat poop is that poop contains vitamins produced by their
intestinal bacteria. The animal is unable to absorb the vitamins through the intestinal wall, but can get at
them by eating the poop. Another reason that animals such as dogs eat poop is that poop contains a
certain amount of protein. Dogs are particularly fond of cat poop because cat poop is high in protein. I
had a friend with a dog and a cat, and he never had to clean the kitty litter. The dog took care of it.
Are there people who eat poop? Yes, we all have, at one point or another. One of the main ways that
diseases and parasites spread is through the consumption of food and water contaminated with feces.
This happens because people don't wash their hands carefully after pooping or changing a diaper or
scratching their butt. It can also happen through careless disposal of diapers. Our microbiologist here on
Guam says that one dirty diaper in Tumon Bay can send the bacteria count through the ceiling. But of
course, what you want to know is, are there people who eat poop on purpose? Again, the answer is yes.
Some autistic children practice coprophagy, the ingestion of feces. Coprophagy is also listed as an
unusual sexual practice in the encyclopedia of that name. I have known only one person who ate poop
on purpose, and she only did it once, when she was about four years old. She says she was curious
about what it tasted like. When asked what poop does taste like, she replies, "About like you'd expect."
By the way, for all of you who are wondering, the author of this page does NOT eat poop.
Can you get sick from eating poop? Yes, you can definitely get sick from eating poop, even in minute
quantities! Although urine emerges sterile from the body (unless the person has an infection), poop
emerges loaded with bacteria and sometimes other life forms. Many diseases, including food poisoning,
cholera and typhus, are spread by fecal contamination. Many parasites, such as the notorious tapeworm,
can be spread through deliberate or accidental ingestion of poop. There are some parasites, such as
pinworms, which depend on people eating their own poop to keep the population up. Pinworms are small
nematodes that live in the colon. The females emerge from the anus at night to lay their eggs. Their
activity makes the anal area itch. The person scratches the itch (often doing so in his sleep), procuring a
small amount of fecal matter and eggs under his fingernails, and then puts his fingers in his mouth. Once
the eggs are consumed, the person is infected with a new generation of pinworms. I have read that
almost everyone has pinworms. Luckily, pinworms don't do much harm. You only notice them if you have
a lot of pinworms! If you want to find out if you do indeed have them, get someone to gently touch around
your anal area with Scotch tape while you are sleeping. The worms will stick to the tape and you'll be
able to see them.
Do most people wipe their leftover poop standing up, or while sitting on the pot? Are there
gender differences? This isn't really scientific, but I did a quick survey, and everyone asked (including
both males and females) said that they wipe sitting down. There was even a reason provided: that sitting
down spreads the cheeks apart and makes access easier. This survey was done on Guam, and Guam is
technically part of the United States, and most people here probably use American toilet habits. However,
if you travel a bit, you will discover that people deal with leftover poop in different ways in other parts of
the world. In Europe, for example, that water fountain in the bathroom isn't for drinking. It's a bidet for
hosing off after using the toilet. In Southeast Asia, you don't sit on the toilet at all. The toilet is a low,
porcelain-lined trench, and the user squats over it. Next to the toilet is a bin of water. You scoop water
out of the bin with your left hand and use that to cleanse yourself. You aren't supposed to use your left
hand for any other purpose. How come when you eat corn, no matter how much you chew it, you
poop it out in whole kernels? Corn poop is one of the greatest mysteries in life. I grew up pondering
the same question. This is what I think is happening: When we chew corn, the outer coating slips off the
inner kernel. This outer yellow coating is almost entirely cellulose, and is indigestible. It passes through
the gut untouched, and emerges looking like a whole kernel, although it is mostly just the outer skin. The
inside of the kernel is starchy and digestible, and that is the part that we succeed in chewing up.
How does poop stay together, like in links? In humans, soft poop is really one long, mostly
continuous sausage before it comes out. It gets its "link" look because we tend to pinch off lengths of it
with the anal sphincter as the poop emerges. If a person pinches hard enough, the poop separates into
several turd units. If the person doesn't pinch that hard, the turds may stay connected. If you can remain
sufficiently relaxed, you can produce an awesomely long poop that will coil up inside the toilet.
Why does some poop float? Floaters are turds that have an unusually high gas content. Sometimes
the gases produced by bacteria in our gut don't have a chance to collect into a large fart bubble, but
remain dispersed in the feces. The poop then comes out foamy, and has a lower density than water.
What causes the burning sensation sometimes associated with poop? This is generally caused by a recent
meal of hot peppers or related spices. The oils associated with these foods remain intact and active all the way through one's gastrointestinal
system. These oils can also generate hot farts.
Why does some poop hurt when it comes out? Turds can get very large and dry if a person is
constipated, causing painful stretching of the anal opening. Pooping can also hurt if the person has
hemorrhoids. Hemorrhoids are engorged veins in the anal area. A doctor once described them to me as
"varicose veins of the anus," which suggests that the valves in the veins that are supposed to keep the
blood flowing in the right direction have gotten messed up. Pooping can also be painful if the person
suffers from an anal fissure, a tear in the tissue of the rectum.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all mechanical things. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small X in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is!"
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $20,000 from the engineer for his services.
They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark ............. $1
Knowing where to put it..... $19,999

Old age
 

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her
new husband was so elderly, Lou Anne decided that after their wedding she
and Morris should have separate bedrooms. She was concerned that her new
but aged husband may overexert himself if they spent the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepared herself for bed and the
expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the "knock" came. The door opened

and there was Morris, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They united

as one and consummated the marriage.

All went well. Morris took leave of his bride and she prepared to go to
sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne heard another knock on her bedroom door.
It was Morris again. He was ready for more "action."



Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consented to more coupling. When the

newlyweds were done, Morris kissed his bride, bid her a fond goodnight

and left.

Again she was set to go to sleep, but aha.... you guessed it. Morris was back,
rapping on the door, fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more "action."
Once more they enjoyed each others favors.



As Morris was leaving, his young bride said to him. "I am thoroughly impressed

that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys a third

of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."



Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turned to Lou Anne and said, "You mean I was here
already?"

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the
middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation
of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced
by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal miners. The only difference is that the guy in the middle went home
for lunch.

Subject: NASA &the Indian

>When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, they did some astronaut
>>training on a Navajo Indian Reservation in Arizona. One day, a Navajo
elder
>>and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old
man,
>>who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What
are
>>these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were
>>practicing for their trip to the Moon. The old man got all excited and
>>asked
>>if he could send a message to the Moon with the astronauts.
>>
>>Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA
folks
>>found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked
>>the
>>son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the
>>reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused
to
>>translate the Elder's message to the Moon. Finally, the NASA crew called
in
>>an official government translator. He reported that the Moon message
said:
>>"Watch out for these assholes, they have come to steal your land."

>
> >The famous Olympic skier, Picabo Street,
> >pronounced (Peak'aboo), is not just an athlete.
> >She is also a nurse and currently works at the
> >Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan
> >hospital.
> >
> >She is no longer permitted to answer the
> >telephone at her work station however because
> >it caused too much confusion. When she would
> >answer the phone, she would say...
> >
> >"Picabo, ICU"

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the
stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the
bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,
and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he
crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe,
gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table
were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkle cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of
sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the
wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly
bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge
of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his
wife......

"Back off!" she shouted,

"They're for the funeral."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What is the most common pickup line in a lesbian bar?
"Your face, or mine?"
===========================================
Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his Mom.
He said "My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going
through her mental pause."
=========================================
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says,
"It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26!
What kind of a wedding is that?"

The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."

"What do you call it?"

"We call it a football wedding."

The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"

The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
============================================
While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in
bed, my seven year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend.
I told him the television was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the
time. The only problem was the television set was old and would just
shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on
the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal.
A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery.
I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered
the door. The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?
My little one looked up at him and replied,
"No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".
==========================================
After returning from his honeymoon with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi
stopped in his New York neighborhood barber shop to say hello to his
friends. Giovanni said,

"Hey, Luigi. "How was'a da treep."
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi," asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station.
My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and
cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'a forward to da trip.
All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, No eat in
dese'a car.
Must'a use'a dining car.
So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a
lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, No drink'a in dese'a
car. Must'a use'a club'a car.' So we go to club'a car.
While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, "No smoke'a in dese'a
car. Must'a go to smoker car."
We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar".
"Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to
bed.
We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through
yelling "NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA. "
Mama Mia ! Atza louzy Trip !!
========================================
A guy got his date out on a country road and pretended to run out of
gas hoping to make out.
She wasn't going for it and said she had a $100 bill in her purse and
she'd buy gas, but he'd have to walk to town to get it.
He said he had to pee first. While he was peeing she decided to light a
match near the gas neck to see if there was any gas in there.
There was a big explosion and she called out to him "Honey, help me
find my purse, it's got my $100 in it!" He said "Hell with that.
Help me find my right hand, it's got my dick in it!"
================================================
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy
Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites
him in."Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he
says.
"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby
replies
politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to the
drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's father responds "Why don't you kids go out
and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes
as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says "Whaaaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy
Sue's father,"Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night
if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he
has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue
comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and
announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with
anticipation,Bobby escorts his date out the front door while dad is
saying "Have a good evening kids,"with a wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back
into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:
"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
=================================================
How to tell you have a ^*#*UP Lawyer
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each
other.
4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.
8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation
marks in the air with his fingers.
11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since
2:25 PM."
12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,
"Whatever."
13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with
the little hammer, right?"
=====================================
Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen. One named I Cum, and one named No Cum. No Cum marry pretty Chinese girl named
No Cum Tu.
For velly oblious reason No Cum and No Cum Tu not have any childlen.
One day, No Cum went out of town on business and I Cum came over and spent the night with No Cum Tu. That night I Cum came and No
Cum Tu came, too. This make both velly happy.
However, about 7 or 8 months later, No Cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come he named it
How Cum U Cum.
Of course, I Cum and No Cum Tu know How Cum U Cum came, but to this day No Cum not know how How Cum U Cum came!
========================================
Ted: "I see you bought a new car. What's the make?"
Blondie Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "A what?"
Sue: "A Perndle."
Ted: "I've never heard of a Perndle before."
Sue: "Me either, but that's what it says, right over the steering
wheel."
Ted: "It says *what* over the steering wheel?"
Sue: "The name of the car. It's spelled out, right above the steering
wheel and right beneath the speedometer: P-R-N-D-L."
=================================
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

Did you hear about the blonde that gave the guy a blowjob while he was
driving?
They both fell off the motorcycle
======================================
A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits
the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please,"
and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for
payment.
The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says
I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again."
The usual?" asks the bartender.
"Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the
man.
"Same for me" says the ostrich.
"That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact
change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will
always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The bartender asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
==========================================

What Your HOROSCOPE Really Means

AQUARIUS: JAN 20 - FEB 18
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because
you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ****ing jerk.

PISCES: FEB 19 - MAR 20
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do
nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

ARIES: MAR 21 - APR 19
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people
resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dip****.

TAURUS: ARP 20 - MAY 20
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and
bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

GEMINI: MAY 21 - JUNE 20
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This
means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER: JUNE 21 - JULY 22
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That
is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a cancer.

LEO: JULY 23 - AUG 22
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are all idiots. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother ****ers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO: AUG 23 - SEPT 22
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and
unemotional and often fall asleep while ****ing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA: SEPT 23 - OCT 21
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Chances for
employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO: OCT 22 - NOV 21
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your lack
of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-*****. Most Scorpios live in fear of assault by the mob.

SAGUTARUS: NOV 22 - DEC 21
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians
are drunks. You are a worthless piece of ****.

CAPRICORN: DEC 22 - JAN 19
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken****. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.
You should withdraw from society.
=============================

>Subject: cleaners
> >
> >An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft
> >as a Lavatory cleaner. The manager there arranges for an
> >aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping offices) After the
> >test, the manager says: You will be paid $30 per day. Let me
> >have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to
> >complete and advise you where to report for work on your
> >first day.
> >Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither
> >in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To
> >this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means
> >that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect
> >to be employed.
> >Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only
> >having about $10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes
> >at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the
> >tomatoes singly at 100% profit.
> >Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up
> >with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus
> >it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living
> >selling tomatoes.
> >Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later
> >and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short
> >time.
> >Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several
> >dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly
> >afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is
> >the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of
> >several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
> >Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to
> >buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks
> >an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of
> >the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail
> >address in order that he might forward the documentation.
> >When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is
> >stunned: What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have
> >you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail
> >and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by
> >now, if you had been connected from the very start!
> >After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: Sure!
> >I would have been a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft!
> >Morals of the story:
> >The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
> >Get e-mail, if you want to be a lavatory cleaner at Microsoft.
> >If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a
> >millionaire.
> >Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably
> >closer to becoming a lavatory cleaner than you are to becoming
> >a millionaire.
> >If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken
> >to the cleaners by Microsoft.
> >
> >

LOTTERY
 

One day a guy won the lottery but after he had paid his taxes he only had about $300,000 left. Knowing that this was not a lot by today’s standards, he decided to invest his winnings and increase his wealth. After reading a number of books and magazines and talking to a number of wealthy men, he decided to open a brothel.
First he bought an old three-story building and had it remodeled. Next he hired a madam and a doorman, finally he hired the working girls. Wanting to appeal to a wide variety of men the guy decided that his women should vary as much as possible. On the first floor of the business he put housewives, for the average guys; on the second floor were models for the men looking for beauty, and on the third floor schoolteachers for those guys looking for intellectual stimulation. Believing that he now had everything covered he opened his business.
After a few months in business the man decided to examine the books to see how things were going. Profits looked good but he realized that the women on the third floor were making twice as much money as the women on the other floors combined. Wanting to increase his profits on the first and second floors the man decided to do a little investigating and so he disguised himself as a customer and proceeded.
The first night the man showed up at his business and requested one of his first floor girls. The Madam instructed him to proceed down the hall and knock on the first door. A sweet-voiced woman invited him in. Once in the room the housewife told him that she had only two rules for doing business. First he must remove his shoes so as not to track up her floor and second he needed to fold his clothes and put them neatly on a chair. The brothel owner found that the woman seemed to be good at her job and her rules not too unpleasant, but he still needed to check on the other floors.
On the second night the man again entered the brothel, but this time asked for one of the most beautiful women in the place. The Madam smiled and sent him up the stairs to the second floor. Again he approached the appropriate door and knocked. Again a pleasant voice asked him to come in. Once inside the room the man observed the most beautiful woman he had ever seen sitting at a dressing table combing her hair. She looked back over her shoulder at him and told him that she had two rules for doing business. First he must not mess up her makeup and second he must not muss her hair. Even though the lady’s rules were somewhat difficult to follow, the brothel owner was still quite happy with his service but knew that he still needed to visit the third floor.
Finally, on the third night, the brothel owner approached the Madam and asked if there was possibly a woman available who might be able to talk with him intelligently after sex. He said that he was a college professor and found intellectual stimulation important to his overall enjoyment of a sexual encounter. The Madam smiled and instructed the man take the elevator to the third floor. Once more the man knocked on the appropriate door and again was instructed to enter by a very pleasant voice. Once inside the room the man saw a very plain woman. She wore no make up, her dress was very modest, she had eyeglasses, which sat on the end of her nose, and her hair was pulled tightly back into a bun. The women looked at him over her glasses and instructed. “Young man I have but one rule here. You will have to do this until you get it right.”

>
> >A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew
> >apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with
> >anyone, not even each other.
> >The Groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his
> >father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the
> >success of my marriage."
> >His father replied, "Do you love this girl?"
> >"Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet,
> >and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them."
> >"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often
> >as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this
> >seemed a workable solution.
> >The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem
> >with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my
> >breath is truly awful."
> >"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the
> >morning."
> >"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid
> >that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me."
> >Her mother said simply, "In the morning, get straight out of bed, and
> >head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy
> >eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to
> >say a word until you'vebrushed your teeth."
> >"I shouldn't say good morning or anything?" the daughter asked.
> >"Not a word," her mother affirmed.
> >"Well, it's certainly worth a try," she thought.
> >The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each
> >had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning
> >silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months
> >later. Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start
> >to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the
> >consequences, he frantically searches the bed.This, of course, wakes
> >his bride and without thinking, she asks, "What on earth are you doing?"
> >"Oh, my god," he replies, "you've swallowed my sock!"
> >

>
> >Too Late
> >The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and
> >walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a
> >policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer.
> >"I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture
> >at this hour?" the cop asked.
> >"My wife," said the man.
> >

>
> >Let's go for stupid
> >A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
> >couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
> >these turkeys get any bigger?"
> >The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
> >

You know you are old when it takes you all night to do what you used to
do all night long.
=======================

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wants a virgin bride.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The
doctor told her that would cost around $500, but there was another way
that will cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor
worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night", the woman came back to the doctor and told him
that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. She
asked him how he did it.

"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
==========================
In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully
designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural
populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of
condoms and birth control pills. The people were encouraged to
faithfully practice these techniques.

The following year, the program was declared a complete failure; the
birth rate had actually increased.

The experts were puzzled, until a survey was conducted. The survey
revealed that most of the rural Chinese people were faithfully following
the birth control techniques; 79% of the men were taking the pill every
day, and 98% of them were carefully putting a condom on their index
fingers before sex - just as demonstrated on TV.
===============================
One night this guy was waiting in line to get in the movies. The guy
behind him was pushing and shoving up against him. Several times he told
the guy to get lost, each time a little less politely. Finally he turned
around and said, "Look, buddy, if you don't stop pushing me, I'm going
to shove my umbrella straight up your ass!"

The other guy said, "Oh, yeth, pleathe, and then open it thlowly!"
================================

Barbie's Nasty Christmas Letter To Santa

Dear Santa: Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I
hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here
by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much
smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up
your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and
MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And
what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically
correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an
advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough
ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and
handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If
you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie
****************************************
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One
burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to
squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says.

"Yeah?" says the counterman. "You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
============================================
Yesterday scientists at a major university revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100 per cent of them gained weight, talked incessantly
without making sense, and couldn't drive.

No further testing is planned.
================================
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son

in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural," she
said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him
put his hand in my pocket?"
================================
It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his
eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were
supposed to?"
"Hibernate? **** Ma, I thought you said masturbate!"
=================================

What's the difference between a Jewish mother and an elephant?
Elephants eventually forget.

If Tarzan and Jane were Polish, what would Cheetah be?
The smartest of the three.
========================================