Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty
seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first
man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its
seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm, who tells the dog, "Good boy."
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in
possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds,returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"I like it!" says the first man. A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly
well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

[Excaliber]

The world in Bovine and Kirkham Terms:

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it
to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage
his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel
guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your
cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The
people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give
it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for
you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and
provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is
expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells
you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of
sabotage, which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a
bull, and build a herd of cows.

Enron Venture Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap
with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back,
with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven
cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

A POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls, "original" and "real" with the "correct" number of horns. Some guy in a Cowboy hat from Calif. sues you for having to many. Before he can collect, several people are killed while attempting to milk them.

[CobraDan]

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her:
Hello - How are you!" "We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her."
"Which word?" the woman asked."
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry.... there'll be Hell to pay later.

[Aloys]

Have you heard about the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?

[CobraDan]

A Florida couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything.
She's married and we can't go to her house.
I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

[CobraDan]

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop.
The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old fart,
time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the
two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the
entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man.
So, just to be fair I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the
farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about
5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dammit... third gay rooster
I bought this month."

Moral of this story.... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age and
treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[CobraDan]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
>Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh ****," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

[CobraDan]

A man walks into a very posh Manhattan furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.""No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared." So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face here! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[CobraDan]

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have intercourse without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[Dream Master]

What Hallmark doesn't print:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright
side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about
it... She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but
wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you ... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in
Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to
ruin it for me.

10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you like to
take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

11. Someday I hope to get married ... but not to you.

12. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

13. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14. We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?

15. I'm so miserable without you ... it's almost like you're here.

16. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was?

17. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So
we're having you put to sleep.

18. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

[Art Burtt]

One saggy boob says to the other one. If we don't get some support soon they are going to think we're nuts!!

[speed220mph]

A Real Man's Chain Letter-

This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other
tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one
doesn't cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your friends who are
equally tired and discontented.

Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine has already
received 184 women, of whom four were worth keeping.

REMEMBER this chain brings luck.
One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy
playmate.

An unmarried Spanish man living with his widowed mother was to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN!
One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the bottom of the
list below!

> > > > Bill Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Billy Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Billie Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > B. Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > William Jefferson Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. Jefferson Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. Jeff Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. J. Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > W. Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > William J Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Wilhelm Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Willie Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Will Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Mr. Hillary Clinton 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017
> > > >
> > > > Mr. Slick Willie Clinton
> > > > 780 3rd Ave
> > > > New York, NY 10017

[CobraDan]

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have
any medical concerns you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?
"Oh that crazy old fart!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December!"
=======================
This little old lady in a nursing home raises her fist and says, "Whoever can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight."
A little old man in the back of the room yells, "an elephant."
She says, "Close enough."

[CobraDan]

A lawyer married a
woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she
told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten
times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in
telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he
would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was
a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him!
But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[CobraDan]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to

catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,

"Don't do it!

This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser.

He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"


Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"


The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[John A. Simpson]

A man and his wife are on their evening stroll through the neighborhood. As they pass a friend's home they hear loud screaming and groaning. The wife says, "I've never heard such carrying on, Eloise must be having a fit". Wiith that her husband stops and listens for a bit and replies, " I believe you're right, and a tight one at that!"

[CobraDan]

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 40's, 50's, 60's, probably shouldn't have survived.

Our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paint. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors, or cabinets, and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets.

Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking!

As kids we would be carted around in cars with no seat belts or air bags
and riding in the back of a truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then rode down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on and no one was able to reach us because cell phones hadn't been invented.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents. They were accidents. No one was to blame, but us... Remember accidents?

We had fights and punched each other and got black and blue and learned to get over it.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle. We ate cakes, bread and butter, and drank sugar cordial but we were hardly ever overweight ... because we were always outside playing and although we shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, no one actually

died.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo 64, X-Boxes, video games at all, 299 channels on cable, video taped movies, surround sound, personal cell phones, personal computers, Internet chat rooms ... we had friends. We went outside and found them.

We rode bikes, roller skated, or walked to their homes and stood in front and yelled for them to come out to play, or knocked on the door, rang the bell or just walked in to visit them. Imagine such a thing. Without asking a parent! By ourselves! Out there in the cold cruel world! How did we do it?

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate worms and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes, nor did the worms live inside us forever.

Tests were not adjusted for any reason. Some students weren't as smart as
others so they failed a grade and were held back to repeat it. And the next
time they usually passed.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected and there was no one
to hide behind. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

And despite ... or, perhaps, because of all this ... this generation has
produced some of the most outstanding risk-takers, problem solvers,
innovators and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have seen an explosion of advancement and new ideas. Why?
Because we were given freedom and responsibility: the chance to succeed and
to fail. And we learned how to make the most of what we were given.

If you were one of us, congratulations! If you weren't, too bad!

[CobraDan]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this,"
said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that."

[NeedAntiVenom]

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail.

The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[CobraDan]

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. Theothers looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager, "he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm
to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone.
I have a micro chip in my hand."

The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and
went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said...
"Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."