Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The
surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course,
the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman
tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained
young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the
surgeon with two problems.

"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn
the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've
developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her
closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said,
"Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

[CobraDan]

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.

My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals did you want?"

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

[Art Burtt]

A woman goes to her gynecologist and is acting rather sheepish. The Dr. says "you've been coming to me for years,you know you can tell me anything,what's the problem? She replies "well, it's a little strange,in the morning I went to the bathroom and I heard
a plinking sound,when I got up the bowl was full of pennies".
In the afternoon the same thing happened and the bowl was full of nickels,then at night it was full of dimes". The Dr. replied,"oh it's nothing you're just going through your change".

[G.R.]

This is an old one told to me me when I was about 6-7yrs old by my granddad--it's a great one to tell your grandkids or young nieces or nephews--

"Lad(or Lass) do you know why dogs sniff others dogs butts?"

"No"

"Well it's like this, you see long,long ago a meeting was held and every dog had to attend--Well you know how dogs are--so it was decided before the meeting that all the dogs had to hang their butts in the coat room before entering the meeting--you know to keep the air nice and fresh--
The dogs were well into the meeting, everything was going good, things were getting done--
When you know what happened then?
A Cat snuck into the meeting hall saw all those dogs and you know what he did?"
"No"
"Why he went over to the fire alarm and turned it on--it started clanging and ringing, and the dogs went flying out of the meeting hall thinking the place was on fire ,and things got so messed up that no dog ever got his own butt back and that's why even today dogs sniff each others butts."

"And do you know why dogs don't like cats?"
"No"
" 'Cuz, when the dogs went running out of the hall with some other dog's butt and they all were sniffing around the cats were standing on the corner laughing their heads off"



Sort of a dumb joke but youngsters get a kick out of it--have a good one

[CobraDan]

IDIOTS AT THE PHONE COMPANY:

This week, My phone went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 A.M. and 7:00 P.M. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. I asked him, "Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?" (Must be Sprint!!)

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why?? she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt.So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

IDIOT AT THE AIRPORT:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOT ON THE ROAD:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"

IDIOT IN MANAGEMENT:

At a goodbye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "down sizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.

IDIOT WITH ELECTRICITY:

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.

IDIOT WITH CARS:

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."

NOW DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER???

[Art Burtt]

When I was 16 I worked in a service station. One day a guy came in and asked if we could take all of his tires off and turn them so the air valves were all in the same position. The boss said sure but I'll have to charge you $2.00 per wheel. The guy said okay and went to the diner next door for coffee. We put the car on the lift and turned all tires per his request. He came back shortly and asked when we were going to do his car. The boss said it's all done and collected $8.00 which he shared with the two of us who had worked "so hard" to get the job done.

[CobraDan]

Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at
different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes.

[CobraDan]

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts. "Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow, Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June, June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he answered, having eight Inches of Snow in June?"

[CobraDan]

A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops.
Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

[CobraDan]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After
it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the pilot made an
announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The
weather ahead is good and we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now, sit back and relax - - - OH MY GOD!!!!"
Dead silence followed.
After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I apologize. I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier. But while I was speaking, the Flight Attendant brought me a
cup of hot coffee and spilled the coffee all over my lap. You should
see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in coach shouted back,
"That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[CobraDan]

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in
such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an
advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove
Swelling.' I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving
advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.' Then
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move
she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'" He won the case.

[CobraDan]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there were 3 items on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

1. A tube of K-Y jelly

2. A rubber glove

3. A beer

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?" At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed Out the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled.....

Dammit, nurse! I said A BUTT LIGHT

[Art Burtt]

Once upon a time in a forest there was a bunny who was born
blind. In this same forest lived a snake also blind since birth. As
fate would have it, the bunny was hopping thru the forest when he accidently tripped over the snake. He got up shook himself off and apologized saying I'm sorry hope I didn't hurt you but I've been blind since birth and I don't even know what I am nor do
I remember my mother. The snake replied,thats amazing I too have been blind since birth and do not know what I am and never saw my mother. Why don't I slither all over you and find out what you are. At least you'll have that going for you. The bunny agrees. The snake says, well you're soft and furry with a nose that twitches and long ears so you must be a bunny. The bunny then rubs his paws all over the snake and says well you're slimy and
cold with a forked tongue and you have no spine or balls-- You must be a Frenchman!!

[CobraDan]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresco. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"
The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
"You better believe it!"
"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow," the guy said "that's awesome!"
The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow." "You into drugs?"
The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean..."
"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
The demon said, "You gay?"
"No."
"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

[xlr8or]

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation
when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempts to make his
way home but is stopped by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replies the guy.

"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no
crossing the border," says the agent.

"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he
exclaims.

"I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one
butt cheek and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent. With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over in
front of the agent.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent.
"Go on home to California."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was
from California?"

The agent replies, "I saw the picture of Gray
Davis in the middle."

[CobraDan]

One night a man and a woman, are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour,the man says to the woman, "Hey, how about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom.

She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?"

The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we
started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman". You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?"

The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[CobraDan]

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The
man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that
he's seeing what she's doing. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue
and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"> The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

[CobraDan]

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work? A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast
Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of
The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt
Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? A Bad
Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? Somebody's
Gonna Lose A Trailer

[Art Burtt]

What do you call a dog with no legs? It don't matter he won't come any how. Actually you call him cigarette cause you have to take him out for drag every now and then!

What's the difference between the Asian pygmy all female debating team and the American all female long distance running team?

The Asian pygmy debating team are a bunch of cunning runts.

"Balls",cried the Queen if I had them I'd be King!
The King laughed,he had two!

[CobraDan]

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpselike look on my face!
What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says,
"Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."