Joke of the Day...

[Hotfingrs]

Subject: Another Blonde Joke

A blonde pushes her old BMW into a gas station. She tells the
> mechanic, "It died."
>
> After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. She
> says, "What's the story?"
>
> He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
>
> She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

[CobraDan]

A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading : Don't Miss The Amazing Texan.
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings !
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same Don't Miss the Amazing Texan.
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act ! So he buys a ticket !

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible" he tells the Texan.
"But I have to know something : You're older now, so why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts ?"
"Well, says the Texan My eyes aren't what they used to be"

[Dwight]

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honor her.
4. Cuddler her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7. Love her.
8. Tease her.
9. Stroke her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Listen to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19. Support her.
20. Go to the end of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
1. Show up naked.
2. Bring beer.

[bonyhadi]

Turkey Day Forcast

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report
from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to
email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven
to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and
if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches
on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry
sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low
of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches
will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days
with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a
warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure
will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.
========================================
Penis: The only thing that a woman hopes she will find hard to handle.
===========================================
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection
at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum-sucking,
friggin assholes!
====================================
Our First Encounter

I saw you across a crowded room.
Among all the others that were there,
The lights seemed to shine down on you alone.
I knew then I had to have you for my own.
Willingly, you came with me to my home.
>From the car, I carried you thru the door.
Looking at you, I admire your body, Your well shaped legs, and breasts.
Slowly I remove your wraps, around your body so tightly, fitting you
like a glove. Exposing your tender white skin.
>From your neck I remove your charms, and carry you off in my arms, to
the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts, then
making your legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut skin.
My hands rub your body, ummmm running them threw the beads of water.
Making them trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so ready.
I carry your still dripping body, to a laying place, so that I can put
inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came
through the door.
As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide.
You are ready now, and so am I.
I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can
take in.
I put in more, you take it willingly.
In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as
far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight.
With your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it, I make
you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from
within.
Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and
tender.
I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste
so good.
Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of
savoring you more, with every taste.
"Oh yes," I say to you, "I must say thanks that you are here.
"Thank Heaven for this turkey dinner.... Amen."
======================================
Night Before Thanksgiving


Twas the night before Thanksgiving
and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and *****in'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest,
This place is a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed,
They expect all the trimmings...who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs,
The dog just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then walks in my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He heaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long? Aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain, and screams
"MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh, ****, it's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!
===========================================

The nerve endings," said Gabriel. "How many will I put in her hands?"

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Two-hundred, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Then we shall do the same for this woman," said The Lord.

"How many nerve endings should we put in woman's genitals," inquired
Gabriel.

"How many did we put in Adam?" asked The Lord.

"Four-hundred and twenty, O Mighty One," replied Gabriel.

"Of course. We did want Adam to have a means of receiving extra
pleasure in his life, didn't we? Do the same for woman," said The Lord.

"Yes, O Great Lord," said Gabriel.

"No, wait!" said The Lord. "Screw it, give her ten-thousand.
I want her to scream out my name."
==========================================
For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came
home from work. After some careful consideration she decided to strip
naked and wrap herself in saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles.
Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at
work.
He walks through the kitchen, places his lunchbox down, and hears his
wife say, "Honey! I'm in the living room."
Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic. After a
quick peek, he immediately he says, "Leftovers again!"
=============================================
A young, attractive woman decides to hang one of her favorite pictures
on her wall and asks her father what she needs to do.
He says to hammer a nail with a large head on it into the wall where
she wants her picture to be located.
After searching endlessly for a "nail with a large head on it" she
gives up and goes out to buy one.
When she reaches the store she sees an old dirty looking man with his
eyes popped out of his head once she entered. Not knowing her way
around a hardware store she is forced to ask him for help.
"Do you have a nail with a large head on it?"
He answers, "I have something with a large head that would be happy to
nail you."
=======================================
What does the word S-I-N-G-L-E stand for?
Stay Intoxicated Nightly, Get Laid Everyday
==================================
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a
co-worker in the hospital.
"How are things at the Office going, Claudia?" she asked.
"Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the
coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon
is making it with the Boss."
====================================
100 Years Ago...

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from
Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily
populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents,
California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average
U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
==============================================

[bonyhadi]

There's this little boy dressed up in his cowboy outfit, and walks into
a ice cream shop.
Behind the counter was this, good-looking, well endowed female
employee.
The little boy walked up to the counter, and said "give me a ice cream
sundae", she said ok. she asked, if he wanted vanilla ice cream, he
pulls his six-shooters out, and stated "you damn right" and puts them
back in the holsters.
And she asked, if he wanted chocolate ice cream, he pull his guns out,
and stated "you damn right".
After putting all the ingredients on the sundae, she asked the little
boy if he wanted his nuts crushed, and he pulled his guns out, and said
you want your titties blown off.
=============================
A traveling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest and sees a circus banner reading : Don't Miss The Amazing Texan.
Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the center ring. There, spot lit in the center
ring is a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge penis and smashes all three
walnuts with three mighty swings !
The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Texan is carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same Don't Miss the
Amazing Texan.
He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing his act ! So he buys a ticket !

Again, the center ring is illuminated. This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The Texan stands before
them, then suddenly unzips his fly and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd goes wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible" he tells the Texan.
"But I have to know something : You're older now, so why did you switch from walnuts to coconuts ?"
"Well, says the Texan My eyes aren't what they used to be"
=====================================
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde
virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of
course,
believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and
returns, only to be questioned by his new wife.
"Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the
world.
But Harry at the drug store has one too."
"Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I
had two, so I gave him one of mine."
"Oh. Well, why did you give him the big one?"
=====================================
Pick Up Lines
Can I buy you a drink or would you just like the money?
Your dad must have been a farmer, because you got a great set of
melons.
Just approach the woman, don't say anything and read the tag on the
collar of her shirt. When she asks what the hell you are doing, just
say I'm checking to see if you're made in heaven.
================================================
A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the
steps.The boy is killing ants by smushing them with his thumb,
saying,"****ing ants," with each smush.
The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy. "What are you doing!?!?!" the priest shouts at the boy.
"I'm killing these ****ing ants," responds the boy.
Visibly upset, the priest sits next to the boy. "My son, don't you
know that it is wrong to harm any of G-d's creatures? G-d created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them,including ants."
The boy thinks about this a minute and says to the priest, "But these
ants don't do anything. They just bother people."
The priest responds, "Everything in life has a purpose my son,including
these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I
challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of
three things in life that do not have a purpose."
One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find the same
boy sitting on the steps, smushing ants with his thumb, reciting the
same "****ing ants" phrase.
The priest screams at the boy to stop. Rushing over to him, the priest says to the boy, "My son, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a
sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not
have
a purpose?"
The boy looks up at the priest and says, "Yeah, I thought of three
things that don't have a purpose. A nun's tits, your balls and these
****ing ants!"
===============================
A couple got married, where the groom was 91 and the bride was
23. The groom looked pretty feeble and had the feeling that the
wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy,
vivacious young woman.

But, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase
slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop
in the hotel where their honeymoon happened.
The clerk looked really concerned,
"What happened to you, honey?
You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,

"Ohhh G-d! He told me he'd been saving up for 72 years,
and I thought he meant his money."
==================================
Turkey is the traditional main course on Thanksgiving, but
do you realize when the Pilgrims first landed if they had
shot a wildcat instead of a turkey, we would all be eating
***** on Thanksgiving!
=========================================
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before
Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't
stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. We're sick
of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your
sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this,"
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he
says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
==================================================
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!
=============================================
Things you can only get away with saying on Thanksgiving.

1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in? .
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
=========================================

[bonyhadi]

Top Ten Things that Sound Dirty at Thanksgiving but Aren't

10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."

9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"

8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"

7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."

6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"

5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"

4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her
down."

3. "It's cool whip time!"

2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"

1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts
out."
=======================================
He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.

His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.

He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.

The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,

All was dark and murky.

He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,

And then he stuffed the turkey
=============================================
A Famous Quote
"I have never understood
why anyone would
roast the turkey
and shuck the clams
and crisp the croutons
and shell the peas
and candy the sweets
and compote the cranberries
and bake the pies
and clear the table
and wash the dishes
and fall into bed exhausted
when they could just as easily sit back
and enjoy a hamburger or a pork sandwich."

The Turkey
=========================================
How to Cook a Turkey (R)

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
================================
The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad
fighting. The husband said to his wife, "You stupid *****, you have
floppy tits." She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have
a crooked dick, you bastard." Well, the little boy heard every word
they said. After they got done fighting, he went up to the mom and
asked her what *****es and bastards were.
She told him that they were people.
Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy tits were.
She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted
both answers and went on his way.

The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and

family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving.
The dad cut himself and said "****!" Well once again, the boy started
asking questions and asked what "****" was. The father told him that it

was "shaving cream". The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs
were his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a
knife, she said "****!" The boy once again asked what "****" was.
She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, the door bell
rang.

When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents.
Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi *****es and bastards.
Let me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs
putting **** on his face and mom's in the kitchen ****ing the turkey."
=================================================

==================================================

[CobraDan]

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timber land in Washington. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area and I'm sorry, they all turned me down."

[CobraDan]

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his
manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was
considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3,500 for
"small," $6,500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large." The man was sure
he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over
with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite
dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".

[CobraDan]

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get
back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you use to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said : "Then you use to bite my neck" Angrily, he
threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going ?" she
asked. "To get my teeth!"He replied

[CobraDan]

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

[CobraDan]

John woke up one morning immensely aroused
so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.
His wife, Heather, had already awakened though,
and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in
the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by
getting up, John called his little boy into he room
and asked him to "take this note to your beautiful
Mommy."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Heather, grinning, answered the note and then
asked her son to "take this to your silly Daddy.
The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.
Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady
in the kitchen."
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked
her son to "take this to the poor dude upstairs."
The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand

[CobraDan]

Did you know... While both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, according to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-a$$ man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[CobraDan]

Helga and the Barkeep

It was a hot day in Minnesota. Helga hung the wash out to dry, put a roast
in the oven, then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.
"Gootness it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern and thought, "Vy nodt?" so she walked in and took a
seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to
drink. "Ya know," Helga said, "it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee
cold beer".
The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?"
Helga blushed and replied, "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"

[Art Burtt]

Four guys played golf every Sat.for 25 years,7:30 rain or shine.
One Sat. one of the guys wasn't there when the other three
got to the golf course. They wait for 1/2 hour ,then tee off without him. They do not hear from him for a whole week,but
on the next Sat. there he is 7:30 like always. They ask him where
the hell were you last week? He replies I don't want to talk about it. One guy says oh no you don't we have played together for 25 years and you don't show up and now you won't tell us what happened. Finally the guy relents and tells his friends
that he was born with both sets of sex organs,and his doctor
told him as he got older he would have to decide which sex he
wanted to be. Last Sat. I was in the hospital for my operation and I'm happy to say I am now 100% male. One of his buddies
replies You stupid bastard all these years you could have been hitting from the womens tees!

[Hotfingrs]

When you are in your casket, and friends, family, and congregants are
mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say?



Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear them say that I was a wonderful

husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."


Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful teacher
and a servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."


Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving ! "

[Hotfingrs]

>Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first
> >guy turned to the second and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights
> >will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
> >
> >The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off
> >his glasses and said to the first guy, "What would you like to discuss?"
> >
> >"Oh, I don't know," said the first guy. "How about nuclear power?"
> >
> >"OK," said the second guy. "That could be an interesting topic.
> >But let me ask you a question first.
> >
> >"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer
> >excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
> >produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
> >
> >"Jeez," said the first guy. "I have no idea."
> >
> >"Well, then," said the second guy, "How is it that you feel qualified to
> >discuss nuclear power when you don't know ****?
> >

[Hotfingrs]

Below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, heretofore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation income, debts, assets and liabilities must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further.

Press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client

[Hotfingrs]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED

Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me

Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and
Fire Hydrants and......

Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Get me

Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Hotfingrs]

>An old man turned 105 and was being interviewed by a
> >reporter for
> >a local paper. During the interview, the reporter
> >noticed that the
> >yard was full of children of all ages playing together.
> >
> >A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and
> >the reporter,
> >keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
> >
> >"Are these your grand kids?" the reporter asked.
> >
> >"Naw sir, they all be my youngens," the old man replied
> >with a sly
> >grin.
> >
> >"Your kids?" asked the reporter. "What about this
> >beautiful young
> >lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your
> >children too?"
> >
> >"Naw sir," said the old man, "She be my wife."
> >
> >"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she
> >can't be more
> >than 19 years old."
> >
> >"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
> >
> >"Well surely you can't have a sex life with you being
> >105 and she's
> >only 19," the reporter remarked.
> >
> >"Naw sir," said the old man. "We have sex every night.
> >Every night
> >two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of
> >my boys
> >helps me off."
> >
> >"Wait just a minute," said the reporter. "Why does it
> >take only two of
> >your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to
> >take you off?"
> >
> >"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I
> >fights 'em!"
> >
> >

[CobraDan]

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell,.... It's worth one hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few squeezes.

Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Well,... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"