Joke of the Day...

[xlr8or]

><< Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
> >>
> >>The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table,
> >>because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
> >>
> >>The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything
> >>inside them is color-coded."
> >>
> >>The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
> >>everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
> >>
> >>The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
> >>They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
> >>end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
> >>
> >>But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when
> >>he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
> >>no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are
> >>interchangeable."

[boxhead]

Allthough this isnt a "joke" as such, I do think it is funny.
Here is proof that the world is a confused place at the moment
The #1 rap singer is white
The #1 golfer is black
The French are calling the Americans arogant, and
The Germans dont want to go to war.

[mikiec]

What the heck...I'll add to this one.

Subject: GOOD MORALS






I was happy. My girlfriend and I were dating for over

a year, and so we

decided to get married. My parents helped us in every

way, my friends

encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one

thing bothering me, quite a lot, and that was my

mother-in-law to be. She

was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful

and sexy, who sometimes

flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.



One day she called me and asked me to come over to

check the wedding

invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I

arrived, she whispered

to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had

feelings and desires for

me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got

married and committed my

life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me

just once.



What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't

say a word.



So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are

up for it, just come

and get me."



I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and

went to the front

door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her

husband was standing

outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and

said, we are very happy

and pleased, you have passed our little test. We

couldn't have asked for a

better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.



Moral of the story:



Always keep your condoms in your car

[speed220mph]

"They're not even [within] 100 miles [of Baghdad]. They are not in any place. They hold no place in Iraq. This is an illusion ... they are trying to sell to the others an illusion." Baghdad Bob.

May the fleas of a 1,000 camels infest his head.

[BO DUTCH]

CobraDan..... Hope ya don't mind me posting this statement on your private thread !!



STATEMENT FROM FRENCH'S MUSTARD

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement:
"We, at the French's Company, wish to put an end to statements that our
product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there
ever been a relationship between our mustard and the country of France.
Indeed, our mustard in manufactured in Rochester, NY.

The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

[Art Burtt]

An old man wakes up on his birthday,he looks at his hands and says well hands today you are 100 years old,then he looks at his feet and says today you are 100 years old,then he looks in his crotch and says and if you had lived you'd be 100 years old too!

[Dwight]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

[Edley Rondinone]

Three old men are sittin' at the old folks home, commiserating about how bad each one has it. First old man says, "I just cant pee anymore", and he breaks down in tears. Second old man says, "I just cant poop anymore", and he breaks down in tears. Third old man says,"Every morning about eight, I have a nice pee, and every morning about nine, I have a nice poop," and then HE breaks down in tears. Other two old men say, "What are YOU crying for?" Third old man says, "I dont get out of bed until TEN!"

[CobraDan]

Subject: Oil Change.....by Gender

A. Car Oil Change Instructions for Women

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches
3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a
properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $ 1.00
Total $21.00

B. Car Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a
check for $20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil.
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash container. Drink a beer.

17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow, so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle.

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18

20) Reach for a beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step #11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, ... along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain. Re-shovel oily dirt. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of dirt in yard. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.


29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on garage floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag. Slip with stupid crescent wrench, while tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step #31.

33) Begin cussing fit.

34) Throw 'stupid' crescent wrench.

35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes, because wrench hit Miss December (1992)in the left boob.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) More Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps #23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, make bail.

50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $ 50.00
DUI $2,500.00
Impound fee $ 75.00
Bail $1,500.00
Beer $ 40.00
Total -- $4,165.00

[CobraDan]

Men know...that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is a naked woman.

Men know...that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out of the house.

Men know...that if she looks like your mother, run.

Men know...that there are three sides to every story: His, hers, and the truth.

Men know...never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

Men know...how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin the game.

Men know...exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that gas will get them.

Men know...that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to adjust oneself.

Men know...that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

Men know...that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her name is Bambi.

Men know...that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how good his daughter is in bed.

Men know...that men are from here, and women are from way the hell over there.

[Art Burtt]

An old farmer and his wife have been married for fifty years. Their kids decide they are going to have a big party and take mom to the store and buy her a new dress and shoes. She's trying them on as the old boy is watching her and she says" damn I can't wear this dress without a bra I haven't worn one for forty years
go down town and buy me one". The old boy goes to the local mall and a young sales girl asks if she can help him. He says "I need to buy a brassiere for my wife." The girls asks "what size is she"? He replies "I dunno". She asks "is she the size of lemons?"
He says "nope". She says "is she the size of oranges?" he says
"Nope". She says "well, is she the size of grapefruits?" He says "Not exactly" She says "sir I can't help you if you don't know her size". He thinks for a minute and then says,"young lady,you ever seen a hound dogs ear"?

[CobraDan]

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."
The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and should make a full recovery.

[CobraDan]

Three Labrador retrievers - a brown, yellow and black
are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office
when they strike up a conversation.

The black Labrador turns to the brown and says, "So
why are you here?" The brown Labrador replies, "I'm a
pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the drapes,
the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night,
when I pissed in the middle my owners bed."

The black Labrador says, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown
Labrador. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works
for everything." He then turns to the yellow Labrador
and asks, "Why are you here?"

The yellow Labrador says, " I'm a digger. I dig under
fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the
hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But
I went over the line last night when I dug a great big
hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black
Labrador inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow
lab said.

The yellow Labrador then turns to the black Labrador
and asks what he's at the vet's office for.

I'm a humper," the black Labrador says. "I'll hump
anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire
hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.
Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and
was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't
help myself, I hopped on her back and started humping
away."

The yellow and brown Labradors exchange a sad glance
and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black Labrador says, "No, I'm here to get my nails
clipped.

[BlueRooster]

Why are there no Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?



Because they dont work in the future either.

[CobraDan]

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court on Friday in front of the Judge.

The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a
second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and
try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs
forever. I'll see you back in court on Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles ! like this:

O o

.....and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small
circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable!" said the Judge.

To the second boy the judge said," And you, how did you do?"

"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar approach. I drew two circles ...

o

O

......and said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before
prison....."
.

[CobraDan]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed
policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer, and women with big boobs."

[CobraDan]

It takes more than a degree to secure employment.

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliche for speed." As he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my Dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.

Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I **** my pants!"

He got the job. "

[CobraDan]

A guy who has been stranded on a desert island for 10 years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. In a few minutes a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman emerges from the surf wearing a wet
suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the shocked guy and says, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette? "Ten years," he replies. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack, he takes one, lights it and takes a long drag. "Man oh man!! Is that ever good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a shot of whiskey?" she asks. Trembling he replies "Ten years!" She reaches over and unzips a pocket on her right sleeve pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and exclaims "That's absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she begins to slowly unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "How long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and cries... "Oh sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've
got golf clubs in there too!"

[CobraDan]

The next time you’re having a bad day, imagine this:
You’re a Siamese Twin.
You’re brother, attached to your shoulder, is gay.
You’re not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass.

[CobraDan]

A hip young man goes out and buys the hottest American sports car available; a brand new SPF Cobra. It costs him $50,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red traffic light. An old man on a moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car have you got there son?"

The young man replies, " SPF Cobra - it cost 50 thou!!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right ... but I think I'll stick with my moped!!"

Just then, the light changes to green so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the
speedometer reads 110 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whooooooosssshhhh!
Something whips buy him, going much faster!!!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Cobra?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator again and takes the 'Cobra up to 130
mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Cobra he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 155 mph. Whhhhooooooosssssshhhh!!! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.

Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the accelerator and takes the Cobra all the way up to 180 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees
the moped bearing down on him again. The 'Cobra is flat out and there's nothing he can do.

Suddenly, the moped ploughs into the back of his Cobra, demolishing the rear end. They skid to a halt. The young man jumps out, and
unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!

He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God!! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath ... "Please....unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror !!!!"