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10Likes

01-03-2003, 04:10 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
Thoughts on Aging
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft Today, it's called golf.
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Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know
"why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't
paved.
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How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
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One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray, so wrinkled, and so bald they
don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when
you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull your
zipper up and, then -- Oh my goodness I forgot to pull my zipper down!
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If y ou jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking
jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?
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And best of all-- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the
top.
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01-03-2003, 07:53 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
Give a girl a break
I went to the store the other day, and I was in
there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there
was a darn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how
about giving a girl a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I
called him a pencil necked Nazi. He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn tires!
He finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I
didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
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01-03-2003, 07:20 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children (naughty little rascals) smuggle a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink.
After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom. When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.
"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom." "So I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
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01-06-2003, 04:35 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
Hollywood Squares
If you remember this show and its comics, this will bring a tear to your eyes.
They are well worth the time it takes to read them.
These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull
as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. While visiting China, your tour guide starts shouting "Poo! Poo! Poo!" what does this mean?
A. George Gobel: Cattle crossing.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
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01-06-2003, 05:34 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife."
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night.
She said "Aye. what was your toast?"
John said "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh John that is very nice indeed" said Mary.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself".
"You know he has only been there twice! Once he feel asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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01-07-2003, 03:54 PM
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Senior Club Cobra Member
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: God's country,
ME
Cobra Make, Engine: Original ERA 427sc, Powered by Gessford
Posts: 2,678
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Not Ranked
Top 10 Things Not to Say to a Cop
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are you Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
__________________
Replica is not a dirty word.
"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
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01-08-2003, 01:58 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Allentown,
PA
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA 289 FIA #2086, 302/320 HP, Dart heads, hydraulic
Posts: 383
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Not Ranked
Avoiding tickets
A man was driving home from working after a hard day at the office. He's doing 70 when suddenly, he sees flashing lights in his rear-view mirror. Not thinking, he steps on the gas and speeds up to 100! He then decides he should pull over because he's being stupid. He rolls down his window for the officer and the officer says "Okay, I'm off in 10 minutes, so I don't feel like writing up a ticket. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before for speeding up like that, I'll let you go." The driver thought for a second and replied, "My wife ran off with a cop last week and I thought you were trying to give her back." The officer responded, "Have a nice day."
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01-08-2003, 03:13 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
.....In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror. (Do they look different reversed?)
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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick??)
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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")
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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time...Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)
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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)
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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
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In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great country or what? Not as great as Guam!)
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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Who volunteers for this stuff?)
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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
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The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hummm....I won't touch THAT one!)
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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? -- did the govt. pay for this research??)
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Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez)
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An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
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Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too)
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Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.
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And, the best for last.....Turtles can breathe through their butts. (Do you think they have bad breath?)
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01-09-2003, 03:51 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Brunet, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to
the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but
quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
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01-09-2003, 03:29 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
Dear Meat
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does
not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's asshole!"
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01-10-2003, 08:52 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Allentown,
PA
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA 289 FIA #2086, 302/320 HP, Dart heads, hydraulic
Posts: 383
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Not Ranked
Speaking of blondes...
Not Going To Try This Again
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.
She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
Blonde Horse Ranch
A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.
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01-12-2003, 12:22 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00..."
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's gonna be some drinkin'.
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in business, I can drink with the best of em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
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01-13-2003, 04:50 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
Why Men Are Just Happier People!
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes
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01-14-2003, 03:07 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
The cowboy
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a
drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses,mending fences, and branding cattle," he said, "so I guess I am."
She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women; when I shower I think
about women. When I watch TV I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."
The two sat sipping in silence. Then a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
"I always thought I was," he said, " but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
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01-14-2003, 03:12 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
Old is when.......................
OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on
your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and
your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by
the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I
don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find
your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
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01-14-2003, 11:23 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Feb 1999
Location: Kansas City,
MO
Cobra Make, Engine: CRL, 351W, Tremec TKO
Posts: 2,299
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Not Ranked
For all you engineers who are having difficulty converting....
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen..
20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels? = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision
__________________
Pete K.
Who is John Galt?
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01-16-2003, 12:24 PM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
13 rules
Sometimes we just need to remember what the
13 Rules of Life really are:
Use them freely in 2003!!!
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are,
"I apologize" and
"you are right."
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her -- believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles;
Ask yourself, "Will this matter one year from now?
How about one month? One week? One day?"
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship
just might mean that the other person was right about you.
11. Work is good, but it's not that important.
Money is nice, but you can't take it, or anything else, with you.
Statistics show most people don't live to spend all they saved;
Some die even before they retire.
Anything we have isn't really ours;
we just borrow it while we're here ... even our kids.
12. Be really good to your family and/or friends.
You never know when you are going to need them
to empty your bedpan.
13. If you are going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it,
you may as well laugh about it now.
Enjoy life!
It's too short not to indulge in what life has to offer
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01-17-2003, 10:58 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
George Carlin Strikes Again
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that 1 out of 5 enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . What happens to the other penny?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?
17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me.....They're cramming for their final exam.
26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
28. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
30. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
34. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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01-17-2003, 11:03 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
A man walking along a California beach was deep in
prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord
grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above
his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all
ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said,
"Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime
I want to." The Lord said, "Your request is very
materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of
undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would
take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things. Take a little more
time and think of another wish, a wish you think would
honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he
said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I
want to know how they feel inside, what they are
thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why
they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and
how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or
four on that bridge?"
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01-18-2003, 06:18 AM
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CC Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Cape Coral,
FL
Cobra Make, Engine: 2009 Solbra
Posts: 3,861
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Not Ranked
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."
"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the I.R.S. " ..and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."
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