Jokes

[Ron61]

Good one Ray. And a lot of truth to it sadly.

Ron

[cobra de capell]

(Washington, D.C., 1/8/09) In a statement to be released tomorrow, the incoming administration of President-Elect Barack Obama has promised government intervention in the worldwide web by the creation of a U.S. mandated operating system to be named “Barix 1.0" which will, by government decree, replace Windows, MAC and Linux among a few, plus a plethora of browsers such as Firefox and Internet Explorer."

“The esteemed, highly decorated and patriotic Senator Kerry once said, “You can’t professionalize unless you federalize” when talking about the creation of the TSA. The creation of this professionally prepared, foolproof government created operating system will be as efficiently handled as other government programs. We expect it to be rolled out on schedule in 2010, and hopefully under the $712.8B budget currently being allocated.”

“The free market and privately/publicly owned companies have failed miserably to limit unacceptable content. Access on Barix 1.0 will be granted to mainstream sites such as ABC.com, CBS.com, MSNBC.com, the HuffPo and DU, but in order to visit sites of questionable origin such as FOX, Drudge, Rush, Boortz and so on, permission will be required from the government. A simple request form of only 127 pages of single spaced questions (plus additional blank pages to explain some answers), plus your addition into a government database, plus a complete background check and access to your financial records will enhance, though not guarantee, the slim chance you’ll be able to read these sites, provided they’re still online once we complete the purge.”

Developing..
_____

YOU GOT TO LOVE THE LAW

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin ' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
____

Wus DA night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru DA hood, everybody be sleepin' and DA sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of DA family, was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be DA law".

I pulled the sheet off DA windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrant of me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of DA years, Santy Claws he be white, but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.

Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who, On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in DA street, I knowed it of sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked DA lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son O *****...he don did dis befoe"!

He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my ****. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out DA windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a *****".

So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a **** !!!!

[Baz]

There were three Indian Sqaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the thrid slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one that slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the sqaw of the hippoptamus is equal to the sons of the sqaws of the other two hides.

[cobra de capell]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths. After 75 lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi."

[cobra de capell]

Top 10 Final Acts of Bush Presidency

10. Asked Bill Clinton to remove all O’s from White House keyboards and replace them with 0’s.

9. Announced that Laura has taken sweet job with University of Chicago Hospital for $300k salary.

8. Punk’d Osama bin Laden with fake pardon.

7. In keeping with Obama’s Lincoln theme, had US Mint deliver $350 billion for TARP funds to White House in pennies.

6. Had Scott McClellan taken to GITMO and paraded around with Saddam’s old underwear on his head.

5. Ordered Al Gore to shovel snow from White House driveway.

4. Invited Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi over to White House but wouldn’t answer door when they knocked.

3. Replaced all mattresses in White House with Tempur-Pedic memory foam to reduce beverage spills from Obama’s future Hollywood guests jumping on beds.

2. Blocked Oprah’s phone number on White House phone system.

1. Resigned and had **** Cheney sworn in as 44th President leaving no time for Obama to print new invitations.

[cobra de capell]

(Washington, D.C. 1/15/09) President-Elect Barack Obama today made a short statement which he says proves his family is making an effort to “have some skin in the game” by moving out of a private hotel in the D.C. area and making the move to public housing.

“As I said last Sunday in my interview with George Stephanopolous, I think it’s vitally important that everyone in American “have some skin in the game” and be willing to make sacrifices. That includes us.”

“Our move to Washington, D.C. public housing is a sacrifice for us that will show normal, everyday Americans that public housing in D.C. is safe and secure. We need to get the message out to those in need that they shouldn’t be embarrassed to move into public housing, after all, we are at the Blair House Housing Project and we feel perfectly safe.”

“We will be moving to another public housing development across the street, but have to wait for the current tenant to move out. Their lease expires on January, 20.”

Developing..
_____

Also......

(Washington, D.C. 1/14/09) In a short press release issued today, Barack Obama announced his intention to create a new office to deal with detainees claims of unspecified torture which occurred during their stay in various camps throughout the world.

“It is my intention to create a special department comprised of bi-partisan participants to seriously look into, consider and act on claims of torture by persons currently being detained on charges of terrorism. It will be called the Independent Department Investigating Overt Torture Scenarios. This bi-partisan Office of IDIOTS will be comprised of individuals with the intelligence level required to work in this office while they look into claims of torture.”

“It will be the Office of IDIOTS who hold hearings on the matter, ensuring fair treatment for detainees. It will be IDIOTS who will determine levels of compensation for detainees deemed to be innocent of all charges and finally it will be IDIOTS who will ultimately determine who should be released. Among those names I’m considering to lead the IDIOTS are Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein who have both demonstrated the intelligence level necessary to be successful.”

Developing..

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my bazooka on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. man I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the darn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. darn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the guy who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his legs and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the darn snowplow.

December 25 - Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the darn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's mentally challenged. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE plow driver is driving me crazy!!!

December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his bazooka. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
_____

OLDER WOMEN





I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.

She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old.

In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself

thinking that she probably had a really hot
daughter.





We drank a bit, and we had a bit of a snuggle, and she

asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double?



'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and

daughter threesome,' she said.




As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what

this daughter of hers might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.'

We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink,

'Tonight's your lucky night.



We went back to her place. We walked in.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:









'Mom, you still awake

[cobra de capell]

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
______

(not a joke)

The Mustang Ranch and $750 billion bail-out

Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

They failed and it closed. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 850+ Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

Now if that don't make you nervous, what does???
_____

Deer Meat


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat
it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they
begged their dad for the clue.

Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.

The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole...'

[Scott S]

One old Marine veteran asked the Commandant to return him to active duty and send him to Iraq. the Commandant refused. So he wrote the Secretary of the Navy with the same request. Secnav replied that because Iraq was a young Marine's war, there was no place for him. So he wrote his congressman a long, heart wrenching letter. Back came the reply, almost word for word the same as the SecNav response.

He was livid and, bought a rowboat, and started rowing to get to Iraq, singing the Marine Hymn..."From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli " ........... and off he rowed for Iraq.

Saint Peter had been watching and had grown concerned by his commitment to his objective. Saint Peter finally turned to God for advice.

God advised,be merciful and take his brain, and he will simply abandon the idea about getting to Iraq.

St. Peter observed little if any change in behavior. He continued to row his boat and sing : "From the Halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli , we will ".......

St. Peter turned again to his God and asked, "Now what?"

God said, " take his heart, that should end it."

St. Peter was again amazed that little if any change could be observed as he continued to row his boat and sing: " We will fight our country's battles...." at-the-top-of-his-voice.

St. Peter asked God for assistance. God responded by suggesting remove the Marine's testicles, since it's a well known fact that Marines can't function without their testicles. Otherwise, what would be the reason for Marines having the world wide reputation of having the balls to do the impossible?

St. Peter then observed the Marine, this time with his balls, brains and heart removed, rowing in a never ending circle..... singing:

"Off we go, into the wild blue yonder..........

[cobra de capell]

Q. Why did George Bush declare a state of emergency for Barack Obama's inauguration?
A. Because everyone knows it's a national disaster.



Q. What's an example of irony?
A. Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to sing "Born in the USA" at Barack Obama's inauguration.

Chief Justice Roberts: Knock, knock.
Barack Obama: Who's there?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya.
Barack Obama: Kenya who?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya show me your birth certificate before you're sworn in?

Barack Obama: Knock, knock.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Who's there?
Barack Obama: Eff.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Eff who?
Barack Obama: Eff you.

Q. Why will there two presidential limousines for the inauguration?

A. So Hillary won’t know which one he’s in.

Q. What is the difference between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter?

A. Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to ruin the economy.

Q. Why did the Secret Service double security on Michelle Obama immediately after the inauguration?

A. If something happened to her, then Barack would be in charge.

Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Obama?

Because he didn’t want to be the worst President in American History.

A 6th grade teacher asked her class “How many of you are Obama fans?” Half the class were, but another fourth didn’t know what and Obama fan was, and the other fourth, all exect one, didn’t really care. So, just to be on the good side of the teacher, the two fourths of the class raised their hands, and of course, the one half also raised their hands.
There sat young Michael, sadly, the only one who didn’t have his hand raised. The teacher asked him, “so Michael, why aren’t you an Obama fan?”
Michael said “My parents are Republicans, my brother who’s in college is a Republican, so I am a republican.” Peeved by the answer, the teacher asked, “so if your parents were idiots and your brother was a moron, what would that make you?”
Michael said “An Obama fan.”

A winner....

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average Obama voter.”

[cobra de capell]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

[cobra de capell]

Q. Why will Obama hold a séance once he's in the White House?
A. So that he can thank everybody who voted for him.

President elect Obama has arranged for his first meeting with foreign leaders from other countries to demonstrate his foreign policy expertise. It's scheduled to run for five minutes.

Q. What will America's national bird be when Obama takes office? A. His middle finger.

Obama's staff is preparing for his first press conference as President. They're busy writing the questions.

Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?
A. Nobody knows.

Unlike former Presidents, Obama is not a member of the NRA, National Rifle Association. He's joined William Ayers organization instead. The NBA, the National Bombers Association.

Q. Why did the Secret Service install lightning rods at the White House?
A. To protect President Obama as he took his Oath of Office.

As President, Obama intends to run the country's finances just like he ran his household finances. He's got a book of blank checks

Q. Why will Obama ride in the back of a Presidential limousine?
A. The Vatican wouldn't sell him a Pope-Mobile.

Q. Why will President Obama get a new puppy for the White House?
A. Joe Biden is getting on in years.

Q. What’s black and blue and dead all over?
A. Anyone who dares to tell a joke about President Obama in public.

Q. What do SIMBA and OBAMA have in common?
A. They're both cartoons.

Q. Why will President Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
A. He doesn't want any bushes at the White House.

Q. What will President Obama replace the rose bushes with?
A. Opium poppies.

[cobra de capell]

Question on Obama's Web site:

During George W. Bush's reign protesters often demonstrated against American foreign policy in Washington. Can dissidents still do that under President Obama?

Obama's Web site answers:

Yes. Under President Obama dissidents will still be able to demonstrate against the foreign policy of George W. Bush.
___

Statistics are in and they say over 2 million people attended the inauguration for Obama. Only 13 had to call in to work.
___

In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago ‘s elite residents, and government official’s (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.
___

By the way, Happy New Year 2009

As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year:

Blacks are happy; Obama was elected.

Whites are happy, OJ is in jail.

Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office.

Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.

And all of us are so happy; The election is finally over!

I think 2009 will be even better: Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace . Then on the 7th day, He will rest.

My best wishes for 2009

“The government cannot give to anyone anything that it does not first take from someone else.”

[cobra de capell]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said; I bet I know what it is. Some flowers. That’s right. the boy said. But how did you know? Oh, just a wild guess, she said. The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter.
The Teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said I bet I can guess what it is. Is it a box of candy? That’s right. But how did you know? Asked the girl. Oh, just a wild guess, said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. Is it wine? She asked. No, the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. Is it champagne? She asked. No, the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, I give up, what is it? With great glee, the boy replied, it’s a puppy!
___

Actually, within the list of the top ten Club member with the most posts at least three of them are posting from.......



Sometimes great pictures come out of a great camera angle.....

[cobra de capell]

Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5

And then installed undesirable programs such as :
· NBA 5.0
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1
Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

----

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 - program these are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7

Good Luck!
Tech Support

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.'

She said, 'You have the biggest **** of all your friends.'
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The rest of the world cannot understand how after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can return to reality. For instance, Sarah Palin has invited to her great state of Alaska the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

She has provided a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and has hired two other prominent men to assist them. **** Cheney will instruct them in safe gun handling and Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins in the evening.

What a gal! That Sarah is such a good sport and thinks of everything.
_____

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Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

'Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off' said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be, That is the question,' asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, 'I had a dream!

'Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out 'I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!'

'Well done!' said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off'

'No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,' said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, 'F#^*ing > Asians!'
'Who said that?' yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

'Pauline Hanson!' yelled little Johnny. 'See ya Tuesday!!!!

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Obama, McCain and All Hillary Die And Go To Heaven

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven. God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.” God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”

So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.” God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”

Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”

Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat.”
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A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

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Letter from the Boss,

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to see an increase in our fees to them of about 8% but since we cannot increase our fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay off six of our employees instead. This has really been eating at me for a while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely,

The Boss