Jokes

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Doctor's Advice!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat
more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - A glass of wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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I was on a date with this really attractive girl. Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.
_____

I started writing poetry the other day:

POETR

That's coming along nicely.
_____

What's hit more balls than David Beckhams right foot?


Elton Johns chin!
_____

Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
_____

Yesterday I shot a little girl, held her under water for 5 minutes then hung her.

I love the euphemisms of being a photographer.
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I took a friend out to lunch today and pointed out that they had tongue on the menu. She said Eww please, I'm not going to eat something that came out of a cow's mouth. I'll just have an egg salad sandwich.
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Feeling down??

Fed up???

Need cheering up???

Well here's the answer....................


Watch your wedding video backwards, you'll love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks out of the church jumps in the car and f**ks off!!
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?













About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
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Why is it better to fall into a vat of concentrated sulfuric acid than into a vat of molten optical glass?

It is commendable to be part of the solution, but there is no point in making a spectacle of yourself.
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The Women's Historical Society located Tom Dooley's gravesite and sought permission to have his body exhumed.

They wanted to know how he was hung.
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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving money.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.



Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

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"Dad's Baldness"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning
and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy,
why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he
asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with
herself for coming up with a good answer to her
husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and
asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
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It was the first day of class, and the first-grade teacher wanted to see what sort of pupils she had on her hands. So she gave a little quiz:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What is 1+1?

She got back the following papers:

1. A schoolteacher.
2. 2.

1. A computer programmer.
2. 10 in binary; 2 in octal, decimal, or hex.

1. A physicist.
2. You haven't told me how accurately those 1's were measured.

1. A mathematician.
2. 2, unless you are working in a field of characteristic 0.

1. An accountant.
2. What answer do you want?
_____

"Dear Potential Investor"

I know you are always looking for sound opportunities
for investment.

I don't know if you would be interested in this,
but I thought I would mention it to you because
it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of
money with very little investment.

A group of us are considering investing in a large
cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our
purpose to start rather small, with about one
million cats. Each cat averages about twelve
kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents
for the black. This will give us 12 million cat
skins per year to sell at an average price of
around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3
million a year. This really averages out to $10
thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats
per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit
would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.
Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We
would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
we start with a million rats, we will have four rats
per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the
carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this
that this business is a clean operation -- self-
supporting and really automatic throughout. The
cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats
and we will get the skins.

Let me know if you are interested; as you can
imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get
into this, and want the fewest investors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with
snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a
year! This would save the labor costs of skinning
as well as give me two skins for one cat.

May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?

Sincerely,

The CatWoman
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The Theory of Banking or How Banks Make Money

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically....

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. YOU GOT IT!

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A retired man....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Ron


Update:

Ron died suddenly on the 4th of July of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'
_____

There is an old saying, that you leave this world the same way you entered it. If this really is the case, imagine the shock Michael Jackson's ghost had, waking up to find out he was a black male again.
_____

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his pecker, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.


Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .


Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.
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"Government Planning"

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising
hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1998,
until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
The Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.
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Let's compare.....

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Police Comments


The following police comments were actually taken off of police car videos around the country.

#15. "Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they're new.
They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

#14. "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document."

#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second?
In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a
9 mm bullet fired from my gun."

#11. "So you don't know how fast you were going.
I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket,
huh?"

#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

#9. "Warning? You want a warning? O.K.,
I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another
ticket."

#8. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."

#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

#5. "No, sir, we don't have quotas anymore.
We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as
many tickets as we want."

#4. "Just how big were those two beers?"

#3. "In God we trust, all others we run through CPIC/NCIC.."

#2. "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of
yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."



And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!



#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women
tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
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A Catholic Priest and a Jewish Rabbi were walking along and the Priest spots a 12 year old boy..He speaks out to the Rabbi and says " Do You want to Screw him ?
The Rabbi turns to the Priest and says "Outta What"
_____

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
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A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart a** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
_____

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WARNING - Male Bashing.....

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.



2. Men are like
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
them.



4. Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.



5. Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they
say.


7. Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like
Government Bonds
They take soooooooo long to
mature.


9. Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.



10. Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



11. Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.



12. Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.
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Three little ducks go into a bar...............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out
of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
_____
What do a Condom and Camera have in common?

They both capture the moment.
_____
A Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing histesticles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why
do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
_____

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!"
_____

Cinderella's getting ready for the ball and her Fairie Godmother tells her she needs one more thing: a diaphragm.
She lifts her skirts, lays back on the bed and F/G slides it into position.
"Now if you don't come back by midnight, it will turn into a pumpkin!" F/G shakes her wand at the young girl.
"I'll be home in time! Bye-bye!" And Cinderella runs off.

11:30 pm - No sign of her.
12:00 mn - No sign of her. F/G is nervous.
1:00 am - No sign of her. F/G starts to pace the floor.
2:00 am - No sign of her. F/G is running out of fingernails to chew on.

Finally at 3:30 in the morning, Cinderella stumbles in with her dress ripped and a thoroughly satisfied expression on her face. She collapses on her bed and F/G starts blotting her sweaty face with a towel.

"Are you O.K., dearie? I got worried when you didn't make it home." Cinderella giggled and hugged the older woman.
"I'm fine, Fairie Godmother. And I met the greatest man in the whole world! I want to marry him!"
"You met Prince Charming?" G/F sat down on the edge of the bed and slid Cinderella's shoes off. Cinderella shook her head.

"No, Fairie Godmother. His name was Peter. Peter-Peter... something or other! He's perfect!"

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A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:

'I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.....................

'Grandpa ....... Go home! You're drunk'
_____

Man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am, but let me ask you
something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then,
why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
______

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when 40 people from Detroit showed up.

Never having seen anyone from Detroit at heaven's Door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.

After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later, St. Peter returned to God, breathless, and said, 'They're gone!'

'What? All of the Detroiters are gone?' asked God.

'No!' replied Saint Peter. 'The Pearly Gates!'
______

Subject: Garden of Eden Story


After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see, where did I put the useless boob?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than the story about the rib?
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[cobra de capell]

(2009-07-21) — Republicans in Congress have attached a provision to the massive health care reform bill providing funding for experimental drugs and therapies to mitigate the effects of O.F.S. (Obama Fatigue Syndrome), a collection of often-painful symptoms apparently brought on by over-exposure to the ubiquitous President Barack Obama.

In recent days, the president has appeared on television, on radio, on stage at a country music tribute, on a conference call with left-wing bloggers, and at a Japanese Steakhouse where he was seen tossing sauteed shrimp from the tip of a large knife into the mouths of middle-aged divorced women while keeping up an entertaining banter about the urgency of the moment.

Mr. Obama has worked, perhaps harder than any modern president, to make sure that the people know that he’s there for them, almost-literally all of the time. But medical experts say his ‘omnipresidency’ may also have a down side.

“Too much of anything can cause trouble in the human body,” said an unnamed researcher at the National Institutes of Health. “Even a gentle caress, with incessant repetition, can become an annoyance, then a raspberry abrasion, then an open weeping sore, then gangrene.”

[FWB]

this could be a thread all its own.....

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Q: How can you tell when a woman has had an orgasm during sex?

A: Who cares?
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The 11th Husband.....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

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What's a man to do?

Sooner or later every man comes to a crossroad in his life, and he faces a difficult choice.

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia , from Ohio . The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000. per year!

When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio !

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have to know how to describe it!'
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AMA Health Care Plan

Apparently the American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care plan...


The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the @holes in Washington.

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Old, but.....

The balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
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"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
_____

A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler (just happened to be named Ole, now
living in Duluth, MN) were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never
lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished. Ole nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times,
looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,
grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of
disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his
hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach
raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out
of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"

Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got

me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last
ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard
as I could."

So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own
nuts!"
_____

How is marriage like a tornado?


It starts off with a lot of sucking and blowing... then you lose your house.
_____

A husband ask his wife how come she never tells him when she has an orgasam to which she replied "your always at work."
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What's the difference between a slut and a *****?

A slut screws everybody, a ***** screws everybody but you.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Jim and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because his wife wouldn't let him.

After a lot of teasing and name calling, Jim headed home totally frustrated. The following week when Jim's buddies arrived at the golf resort, they were shocked to see Jim sitting in the lobby, drinking a beer, holding his putter!

"How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Jim?"

"I didn't have to," Jim replied. "Last I night I slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise!' When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want'...... SO HERE I AM!"

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Never piss off a woman who owns a backhoe ...






Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer]














Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by
a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and
answered the question correctly.


If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.


If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off
my email list.