Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
_____

Golf

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.


Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.


If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.


Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.


The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'


A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.


An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.


Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.


If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.


Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.


Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.


The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls....
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.


Kind of makes you proud.. Almost feel like a hybrid.

[cobra de capell]

World products.......

[IMG]http://themondayfunnies.com/ff_v_08-17-2009/****to.jpg[/IMG]

This product from Ghana is “a gravy made from dried pepper, smoked dried fish, dried shrimp power, a variety of spices, ginger, onion, garlic, tomatoes and seasoning.” Since English is the official language of Ghana, it doesn’t seem like this can be chalked up to unfortunate happenstance.



Another product from Ghana, where they would have us eating ****to and drinking Pee.



Insect repellent from Australia

_____
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago .
Nothing Is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi,
Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a
$10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them
on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much are people giving?'

''About a gallon each.'
_____

I've often been asked, "What do you old folks do when you've retired?"

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering
background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning
beer, wine, Scotch and margaritas into urine.

I'm pretty good at it, too.
_____

Solve this puzzle - P.S. Do not try this if you're easily distracted by shiny objects!


http://www.averagjoe.com/DCXCI.html

[cobra de capell]

Dear Honored Sir:
You may question as to how I was able to ascertain your e-mail address and name, it is been given me by a trusted family advisor HONORABLE Rahm Emanuel, ESQUIRE, Barrister and Counsel. I am HIS EXCELLENCY Barack Hussein OBAMA, Junior, son of the late esteemed bureaucrat and Marxist Philosopher Barack Hussein OBAMA, Senior of Kenya. As I was elected PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES of AmeriKKKa in 2008, and was unfairly deposed on a technicality relating to my birth certificate and other minor issues in 2009. Whilst I was in the Executive palace, I was able to squirrel away several BILLIONS of USD, with the assistance of HONORABLE Timothy Giethner and my proud Princess and First Lady. What I propose is for you to forward, post haste, your banking and exchequer information to Mr. Barrister EMANUEL, in which we may deposit the profits from my short-lived REIGN, in exchange for, we will forward to you 1/20th of the FORTUNE, to the tune of $100 MILLION USD. Time is of the essence, as the newly installed PALIN administration is hot on our heels and we are also making ourselves scarce from Mr. Soros and his henchmen.

[cobra de capell]

Our maid asked for a pay increase...........


My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.


She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'


Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
_____

Worst Joke Ever....

A fisherman's wife gave birth to twin boys, but the couple couldn't think up any names. So, they decided to wait a few days before naming them.

They soon noticed that one always looked towards the sea. The other looked away from the sea. It didn't matter where they were.

The parents named the boys Towards and Away.

When the boys reached 14, their father took them to sea to learn to fish. The trip was supposed to be short. But the fisherman's wife waited a week before her husband returned, alone.

When she asked where the boys were, the fisherman told her the following strange story.

Towards snagged a large fish early on the first day. He struggled with the fish for nearly 25 hours. Eventually, though, he tired and the fish pulled him over the side of the ship and devoured him.

"Oh, my," said the fisherman's wife. "That must have been a huge fish!"

"Indeed it was," replied her husband, "but you should have seen the one that got Away."
_____

Not far from Boston is a place made famous during the Revolutionary War. In fact, it's place in history is so great that one could actually say without its contribution the war may have been lost. For, you see, this area was teeming with British loyalists and spies, also known as Tories. Every Tory was hated and feared by the Colonists, for he could turn you in to the authorities and your land would be confiscated while you were put to death leaving your family with nothing.

Something had to be done, and it was. No one knows exactly how it was discovered, but Rufus Spinney had a chicken farm and noticed that when known Tories would walk past, his chickens would become very agitated and squawk at a different pitch and intensity. He wondered if this were just coincidence, and decided to test it. One day, he let a couple of his chickens out of the yard and watched as they began to wander through town, squawking loudly and angrily at certain citizens, but not at others. Upon further investigation, it was learned that every victim of Rufus' chickens turned out to be a Tory. From that came the great American tradition of Chicken-catch-a-Tory!
_____

A notable gynecologist once said,

The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.

It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is a pity that the operating system is so fn temperamental.
_____

An honest Judge....

Judge to the court, at the start of a case: "I have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a check for $10,000 to find in his favor.

Two days later, I received $20,000 from the defendant to find in his favor.

I have therefore sent $10,000 back to the defendant and can try the case without bias."
_____

'Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal..
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of $h!t.'

[cobra de capell]

One day our physics professor was discussing a particularly complicated quantum concept. A pre-med student rudely interrupted to ask "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So, how does quantum physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It keeps the ignoramuses out of medical school," replied the professor.
_____



The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"
_____

How do you make a washing machine into a snow blower?
Give the ***** a shovel.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Location: Oval office






"All this should have been mine. Dammit."
“I am doing my part to save the Whales by becoming one!”
"I've been sitting out here in the waiting room for 4 hours. How much longer before I get my mandatory end of political life counseling from Dr. Emanuel anyway. I just want to go back to Chicago and get fat with Oprah. Anyone got a Valium? Life sucks. Yeah you to Monica. How much longer..."

Dinner is Served...




A Rabbi is a passenger on a bus involved in a rollover accident. After the wreck, he appears to be uninjured but is repeatedly crossing himself. A police officer on scene approaches him and says, “Rabbi, are you all right?” The rabbi answers, “Yes, my son,” but continues crossing himself.

The policeman says, “But you’re a Rabbi. Why are you crossing yourself?”

The Rabbi says, “Son I’m just making sure everything is still here. Spectacles, Testicles, comb and pen.”
_____

Two Jews are down on their luck. They are walking back to their hotel when they happen to pass a Roman Catholic church. They see a big sign outside saying “CONVERT TO CHRISTIANITY AND GET $20”.

Avram looks up and down the street, then turns to Shlomo and says, “Let’s do it — no-one will know when we get back home and we’ll each make $20.”

“Okay,” says Shlomo. “You go first.”

So Avram strides purposefully into the church. He comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed.

“So,” asks Shlomo eagerly, “did you get the $20?”

Avram looks up and says, “Is that all you people think of?”
_____

Bill Clinton went to see his doctor and the doctor told him, “Bill, you have to stop masturbating.” The startled Bill Clinton asked him, “Why?” and the doctor replied, “Because I have to examine you.”
_____

Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President’s “Cash For Clunkers” rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.

President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....

CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts, while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.

Special “Bonus Money” will be paid for those submitting codgers in targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican Party.

Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried foods, tater chips, lattes ,whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel sprouts, Carvel or Girl Scout Cookies.

All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in decent repair.

[cobra de capell]

A middle eastern king was down on his money and began to sell off his valuables. The last of these was the Star of the Euphrates, at that time the most valuable diamond in existence. He went to a pawnbroker who offered him 100,000 rials for it. "Are you crazy?", said the king. "I paid one million rials for this gem! Don't you know who I am?"

The pawnbroker replied, "When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are."
_____



Random Thoughts of the Day:

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeeaah, if you suck at it!

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: “Dude, Gus caught the swine flu last night.”

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories.

Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
_____

[fsstnotch]

President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”?

So our illustrious president asked the class for an exampleof a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered:

“If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over
him and kills him,would that be a tragedy?”

“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff,
killing everyone inside,that would be a tragedy.”

“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call ‘great loss.’”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the room.
“Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand..
In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’
missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “It has to be a tragedy,because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss... and it
probably wouldn’t be an accident either

[FWB]

good one.....

[danc30]

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost.
She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.=2 0She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answe red the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not =2 0 been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault.

[cobra de capell]

DIVORCE AGREEMENT


THIS IS SO INCREDIBLY WELL PUT AND I CAN HARDLY BELIEVE IT'S BY A YOUNG PERSON, A STUDENT!!! WHATEVER HE RUNS FOR, I'LL VOTE FOR HIM.

American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists
and Obama supporters, et al:


We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but sadly, this relationship has run its course.

Our two ideological sides of America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right so let's just end it on friendly terms. We can smile and chalk it up to irreconcilable differences and go our own way.


Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure

our two sides can come to a friendly agreement. After that, it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives can

effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.


We don't like redistributive taxes so you can keep them. You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU. Since you hate guns

and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA and the military.



You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore and Rosie O' Don nell (You are, however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).


We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot
Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEO's and rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and Hollywood ..

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.. You can have the peaceniks and war protesters. When our allies or our way of life are
under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values.. You are welcome to Islam, Scientology, Humanism and Shirley McClain. You can also have the U.N.. but we will no longer be paying the bill.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks and oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare if you can find any practicing doctors. We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a
right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot. Since it often so offends you, we'll keep our history, our name and our flag.

Would you agree to this? If so, please pass it along to other like minded liberal and conservative patriots and if you do not agree, just hit delete. In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you Answer which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,
John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Ted Turner, Sean Penn, Martin Sheehan, Barbara Streisand, &
Jane Fonda with you.

P. S. S. And we won't have to press 1 for English.
______

A teacher was explaining to her class that certain colors are associated with particular colors, so she passed out lifesavers to each child. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:


Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ............... Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.


The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'


One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and

yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room!
_____

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[cobra de capell]

When you are having a bad day,

and think that you are having problems,

just remember:

SOMEWHERE IN THIS WORLD, THERE IS A MR. PELOSI.
_____

Random Thoughts From People 25-35 Years Old

-I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you’re wrong.

-I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to
have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That’s enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know”
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

-There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”,
all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod
and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and
said “Yes that’s G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies”

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

-I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t
want to have to restart my collection.

-There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t
watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she
hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
______

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why did God create woman ?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
_____

Two tampons were standing in line at the bank. Neither of them said anything to each other, because they were both stuck-up bi$ches.

[cobra de capell]

Political Humor, etc .....

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. -- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot.. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. -- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. -- G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. -- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. -- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P..J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. -- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

11.. Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. -- Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. -- Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free! -- P.J. O'Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. -- Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)

16. No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session. -- Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it. -- Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. -- Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. -- Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. -- Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly native American criminal class...save Congress. -- Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. -- Thomas Jefferson

25. Democracy is Two Wolves and a Lamb Voting on What to Have for Lunch. Liberty is a Well-Armed Lamb Contesting the Vote.
_____

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
_____

Quick reads......


The World's Shortest Books:



MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton
______________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
___________________________________

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden
___________________________________

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates
____________________________________

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

____________________________


A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J Kevorkian

__________________________________

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O.J. Simpson
_________________________________________

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy
______________________________________________

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson


************************************************** *****

AND, JUST ADDED:

Complete Knowledge of Military Strategy!

By Nancy Pelosi

[cobra de capell]

SOME OF THE BEST OF THE NORM PETERSON QUOTES FROM CHEERS:

“What’s shaking, Norm?”
“All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”

“What’s new, Normie?”
“Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.”

“What’s up, Mr. Peterson?”
“My nipples, pour me a beer Woody.”

“What’d you like, Normie?”
“A reason to live. Give me another beer.”

“What’ll you have, Normie?”
“Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out
of the tap.”
“Looks like beer, Norm.”
“Call me Mister Lucky.”

“Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?”
“Like a baby treats a diaper.”

“What’s the story Mr. Peterson?”
“The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”

“Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
“I know, if she calls, I’m not here.”

“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’

“Whatcha up to, Norm?”
“My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.”

“How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
“Poor.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, I mean pour.”

“How’s life treating you, Norm?”
“Like it caught me sleeping with it’s wife.”

“Women. Can’t live with ‘em...pass the beer nuts.”

“What’s going down, Normie?”
“My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”

“Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“Alright, but stop me at one...make that one-thirty.”

“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?”
“It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.”

“What’s the story, Norm?”
“Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”

“Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“A little early, isn’t it, Woody?”
“For a beer?”
“No, for stupid questions.”

[cobra de capell]

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Rick got mad at Adam for going ona hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Rick gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck.. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Rick said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Rick is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Rick wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Rick isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Rick said it probably was just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

[Ron61]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most
deserted beach at Ft. Myers Florida .

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a
book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are
you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned
back to his book.

"I am sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,"she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered, and again he resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted," > Do you like
***** cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off
her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied. "How did you know my name was Katz?"


"I wonder if it was a Nude Beach?"

[cobra de capell]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, “Well, ya know, Obama is a “post turtle.” Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a “post turtle” was. The old rancher said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a “post turtle”.

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor’s face, so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there.”


_____
Ben & Jerry’s is showing its support for the historic legalization of gay and lesbian marriage by changing the name of its popular Chubby Hubby ice cream to “Hubby Hubby” in Vermont.

No Kidding

Chubby Hubby/”Hubby Hubby” features fudge covered peanut butter-filled pretzels in vanilla malt ice cream rippled with fudge and peanut butter.
_____

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream...when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”

He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”

Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation...Mom goes upstairs.

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?”

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
_____

[cobra de capell]

Pregnancy, Estrogen, and Women
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?!
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal! again?
A: When the kids are in college.
_____

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you,dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father...”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down that damn gun...’”
_____





A blonde takes her shirt to the cleaners. As she is leaving the employee says, “Come again!”

The blonde says “No, its toothpaste this time, nosy *****”.
_____

[cobra de capell]

A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful blonde lady.

Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.

"On what grounds?" asked the lawyer. "I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied.

"And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer.

"Well," replied the young lady, "I don't think he is the father of my child."
_____

At a dinner party the host’s kid was a complete distraction racing around and making noise to the point one guest said, “ I have experience with kids his age. May I take him upstairs?”

The host agreed and the two went upstairs and, after the guest returned, the entire evening was quiet. The host asked how did the guest do this when all his attempts met with failure.

The guest said, “Easy. I taught him to masturbate.”
_____

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said,
"Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once."

"Well, here," the limo driver says, "Take the wheel, Your Holiness!"

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window,
goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, "I just pulled over someone real important
and I don't know what to do."

"Well, who is it?" his dispatcher says, "The mayor? The governor? The president?"

"I don't know," the officer responds, "but the Pope's his chauffer!"
_____

[cobra de capell]

The One (1) Question Test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which
you will have to make a decision.


Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line..

THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions.
You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and you're
caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people
swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive fury.

===============================================

THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a man and a woman in the water. They are fighting for
their lives, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer.
Somehow they look familiar. You suddenly realize who they are.

It's Barack Obama and Nancy Pelosi!! At the same time you notice that
the raging waters are about to take them under forever. You have two options:

You can save their lives or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize
winning photo, documenting the deaths of two of the world's most powerful
people.

===============================================



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...

Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the
classic simplicity of black and white?

_____

Two Crocs Talking



Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it..'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh$t out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an a@@hole and a briefcase.'
_____

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

One nun said to the other, "Wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"


The second nun answered "Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn't feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter."

"I can handle that without a problem" she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.


"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "A shampoo, of sorts, if you will."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, "The curlers are on the house."