Jokes

[cobra de capell]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was, it was Jessica Simpson!

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?" "What's a license?" replied Jessica, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that....?" asked Jessica. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on her license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is she driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she drop dead gorgeous Jessica?" asked the dispatcher."Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. Jessica looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

[Cobrabill]

The Illegal Alien March Was A Success!!!

Hey guys, I thought you'd be interested in some of these facts I got at the
Sheriff's website today. It appears that the illegal immigration march in
Los Angeles was a success! According to data from the Los Angeles County
Sheriff, Los Angeles had a reduction in the following:

82% reduction - auto theft
28% reduction - murders/violent crimes/rapes
73% reduction - vandalism/tagging
54% reduction - drug related offenses (not including the area surrounding
the march)
31% reduction - domestic violence cases
64% reduction - misdemeanor cases (shoplifting, etc.)

CHP reported that today was a record low in the least amount of traffic
accidents on Southern California freeways.

Looks like the illegal immigration rally was well worth it. Maybe you can
do it again sometime. It sure saved the State of California a chunk of
money!

[Ron61]

TWO GUYS AT HOME DEPOT LOOKING FOR THEIR WIVES

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around
Home Depot when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking
for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking
for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says,"Well, maybe we can help each other. What does
your wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.
What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.

[Ron61]

BLONDE FROM TEXAS

A very attractive blonde woman from Texas arrived at a casino and
bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope y'all don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and
her clothes; and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other
dumfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered,
"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

Moral - Not all Texans are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but
all men are men.

[cobra de capell]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION"
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."
12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" – He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."
4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."
7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE

[cobra de capell]

Thanks to rising fuel prices, I think Jack Smith has come up with an alternative fuel.......

[cobra de capell]

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did
The ArnoldSchwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100
GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy ... then discards it through Windows
____

1. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

2. There are 2 times a man doesn't understand a woman, before marriage and after marriage.

3. A successful husband is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man!

4. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about his future until he gets a wife.

5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

6. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

7. Married man live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

8. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. When a newly married couple smiles, everyone know why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

11. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

12. What is the different between a marriage and a war?
A marriage is a war which the enemies can sleep together.

13. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

14. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

15. Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener. (this one is so true!!)

16. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence - a life sentence.

17. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

18. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

19. Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

20. A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the theif was spending less than his wife did.

21. The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

22. My wife submits and I obey. She always let me have her way.

23. Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

24. A happy marriage is giving and taking. The husband gives and the wife takes.

25. A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free.
_____

[cobra de capell]

6 Kinds of Sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex...This happens during the honeymoon period; you
keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage;
you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even on the kitchen table, etc...

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you
have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The forth kind is Hallway Sex... This is the phase in which you pass
each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" This is also called oral sex
by some.

5. There is also a fifth kind of Sex... Courtroom Sex, this is when you get
divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a
month, but it's not enough to live on...!

[cobra de capell]

HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY FINAL EXAM

Name:
Alias:
Gang:

__________________________________________________ ________________________

1> Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of
ten shots & shoots 13 rounds at every drive- by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
What is the maxium number of people he can hit?

2> Jose' has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells a 8-ball to Ricky for
$320, & 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How many ounces does he
have left?
What is the street value of the remaining coke?

3> Rufus is pimping three girls. If his cut is $65 per trick, how
many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800
per day crack habit?

4> Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 lb. of heroin to make 20% more profit.
How many ounces will he need?

5> Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, & $100 for a
4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's & three 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he
have to steal to make $1000?

6> Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000
for the hit. If his comman-law wife is spending $100 per month , how
much money will be left when he gets out of prison (w/ time off for
good behavior /overcrowding) & how many years will he get for killing
the ***** that spent his money?

7> If the average spray can covers 22 square feet & the average
letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he
steals 3 full cans of paint & finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?

8> Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28 girls
in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

9> Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night.
She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month
rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up
with her expenses?

10> Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% & returns to Mexico, how much
money will he lose by jumping bail?

____END OF EXAM______________________________________________ _____________

[cobra de capell]

Stress Diet
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

Examples:

Milk Duds, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls and Red Vines.

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.

Examples:

Spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We All know how calories like to cling!!)


REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED
BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

[Art Burtt]

After my hernia operation the Dr. said not to lift anything over 25 pounds, now I have to sit down to pee!!

[Cobrabill]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if
military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off
America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does
not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell
customer service reps. It's getting ugly.

[cobra de capell]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...


































He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses"

If you got this wrong - please turn off your computer and call it a day.

[Cobrabill]

THE STRING AND THE SPOON
When the waiter brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.
I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[Ron61]

Circumcised

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went
back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did
it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back
of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his
desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" He said "I did," he said, "And she
told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up
from school."

[Cobrabill]

Lezbonics

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?... A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?... Militia Etheridge

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?...
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?... Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called ?... A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?... Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?... She was found face down in Ricki Lake .

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?... Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?... Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?... Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?...
One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker.

[Cobrabill]

Barbecue Season Is Coming!

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to summer and BBQ season.

Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of cooking a real man will do, probably
because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing
her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[cobra de capell]

Dave Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying. "What's wrong?" he asks.

"Dave, promise you won't get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I've got a pretty *****."

"WHAT?" he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the cupboard and storms down to the doctor's office and through the reception area.
Without knocking he bursts into the doctor's office. The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself. Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, "You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty *****!"

The doctor replies, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina."
_____

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.

Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina."What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me."

[VRM]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

[VRM]

Why females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married:
The other night I was invited for a night out with "the girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight "I promise!". Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times. Quickly, realizing that my husband would probably wake up, I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed) in order to avoid a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed 3 times, then said 'Oh. Dam.', then cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckoo-ed another 3 times, giggled, cuckoo-ed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.".