Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Signs:

At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: Invite us to your next blowout.

At a Towing Company: We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

At a Used Car Lot: Second Hand cars in first crash condition.

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

At the electric company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

At the entrance of the large machinery plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office: Hello. May we pick your nose?

Gym: Merry Fitness and a Happy New Rear!

In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

In a counselors office: Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

In a dentist office: Be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

In a dry cleaner's emporium: Drop your pants here.

In a farmer’s field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but be aware that the bull charges.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses rude ought to see the manager.

In a non-smoking area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

In a Podiatrist's window: Time wounds all heels.

In a restaurant window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

In a toilet: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.

On a butcher's window: Let me meat your needs.

On a desk in a reception room: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

On a fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

On a maternity room door: Push. Push. Push.

On a Music Teacher's door: Out Chopin.

On a repair shop door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard — bell out of order.)

On a Scientist's door: Gone Fission

On a taxidermist's window: We really know our stuff.

On an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

On the door of a Computer Store: Out for a quick byte.

On the door of a Music Library: Bach in a min-u-et.

Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Outside a radiator repair shop: Best place in town to take a leak.

Sign at the psychic's Hotline: Don't call us, we'll call you.

[cobra de capell]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

.................

THINK CAREFULLY:

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

................................

Republican's Answer :

BANG!

............................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.....

(Sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[tcrist]

HUH! ! I didn't know I was a Southerner.

[cobra de capell]

Eve’s side of the story:

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

“So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, I have just one problem . It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. I do hate to complain but, they’re a real pain,” reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, her limbs, eyes, ears, etc., she felt that having just two breasts might leave her body more “symmetrically balanced.”

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”

So God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. “Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, but for one oversight. “You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram, and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. Sometimes I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let’s see, where did I put that useless boob?”

Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than that stuff about the rib?

[cobra de capell]

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

On his first week, the collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf and dumb collector.

The hoods find the collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf and dumb collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"

The dumb man signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the dumb collector. "Now ask him where the money is!"

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signs back, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park."

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

[cobra de capell]

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

(Narrator's voice There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

[cobra de capell]

Eight Words with two Meanings




1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.


3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n! .
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.!
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND some "he said, she said"...

He said . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . You wear pants don't you?

He said . . .... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He sai d ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . ! We don' t know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said ..... . . They already have boyfriends.

He said .. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[cobra de capell]

GRANDMA STILL DRIVES!!!

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[cobra de capell]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, he looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 Inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says," What EXACTLY did you say to me?"
The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

[cobra de capell]

I OWE MY MOTHER


1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
You're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
In ca se you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I tol d you once, I've told you a million times.
Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
Who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going
To get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
Don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
You'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"Y ou're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think
You were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope
They turn out just like you."

[cobra de capell]

SUMMARY OF THE NEW TESTAMENT (by a 10 year old):

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

[cobra de capell]

ClubCobra Trailer Park rules:

1. No cars up on blocks for longer than three weeks.

2. No changing your oil in the street.

3. No loud and wild parties without inviting the manager.

4. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.

5. Drunkenness will not be tolerated in the streets prior to 10 am.

6. While outside of your trailer you must be at least partially clothed.*

7. If you prefer to clean your trailer in the nude, please close the curtains. *

8. When bringing in the Jerry Springer or COPS film crews, please provide the management prior written notice so that certain residents may be forewarned.

9. Empty beer bottles should not be discarded on the front lawn. However, they may remain there until you are sober enough to collect them with the understanding you will collect them within 7 days whether sober or not.

10. When bringing dates home to your trailer, please be advised that in the event the sidewalks need to be repaired or replaced due to the weight of your date, you will be responsible for all cost incurred.

* Exemptions to rules 6 & 7 may be provided to women between the ages of 18 and 35. Please submit a photograph to the manager for approval (that would be CDC).

Following these simple rules should make your stay in our trailer park more enjoyable for everyone.

[cobra de capell]

Oppps....a few more rules:

11. You may have no more than 3 beer can wind chimes each only having no more than 6 cans each.

12. All window cracks and repairs must be done within 7 days of last party using color coordinated duct tape whenever possible.

13. If grass get too high around trailer wheels, a fine will be imposed on renter, not to exceed the rental of neighbors goat and kids.

14. Lawn mower, car and truck parts are not to be displayed, advertised or kept in the yard for more than 30 days unless they are in original condition, this includes but is not limited to rust, dents, flat tires, broken windows and headlights, dull blades etc. For sale sign must include real name, address, phone number (if any), price in dollars and cents,large enough to be read from the street while driving by with beer in hand.

15. All children found in yard after dark will be referred to the local tavern for collection.

16. Volume of TV will be kept at a reasonable level except where your neighbor's television is broke and wants to listen to the NASCAR races.

17. Harley's are NOT to be kept in the living room.

18. Carports are for cars not your in-laws oversized truck camper.

19. Police are for law enforcement not delivery of your pizza, doughnuts or long lost relatives you saw on late night TV

20. Your neighbors windows are NOT for target practice.

21. Your neighbors dogs are NOT for target practice.

[4pipes]

Dear Walter:



I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my

husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a

mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a

halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I

couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making

mad passionate love to her.



I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I

confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and

heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.

He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR.

When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was

attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither

of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having

an affair for the past six months.



I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six

months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and

worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he

has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him

anymore.



Can you please help?



Sincerely,



Mrs. Sheila Usk

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

Dear Sheila:



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a

variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris

in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum

pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the

problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low

delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.



I hope this helps.



Walter

[zipzip]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)


A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and
you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking."

Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father?

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.

"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!"

[cobra de capell]

Final Exam

Four college friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn’t have a spare, and couldn’t get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. “Cool,” they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. “This is going to be easy.”

Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:

(For 95 points) Which tire ?

[cobra de capell]

The Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Slogans

10. Barack to the future!

9. Because the whole "slow-witted Texan with a safe-sounding name" thing didn't work out so well.

8.. Face it, America: It's me or the Ice Woman.

7. Once you go Barack, you never go back.

6. Hey, what's the problem? You elected Marion Berry *twice*!

5.. You don't want Hillary between two Bush's.

4. Barack by popular demand

3. The choice is as simple as Barack or white

2. America: Movin' on up!

1. Your last chance for a black president before the country's overrun by Mexicans.

[rollinggeorge]

I go to the doctor and tell him of my embarrasing problem.

"Doc every step I take I pass gas...Fortunately they do not smell"

Doc says that not such a big problem he can diagnois it.
Instructs me to strip and take a few steps.

Sure enough I toot across the examining room.

Doctor calls the nurse and instructs to get me in the surgery room immediately....THIS IS VERY SERIOUS!!!!!!

"Doc are you going to operate on my rectum?"

Doc replys.......HELL NO!!!! on your NOSE..........

[cobra de capell]

“Confused, Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls, and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door..

First, Johnny, you take off my blouse.... so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.. ok, now take off my skirt.... and he takes off her skirt.. now take off my bra....which he does..and now, Johnny, please take off my panties..

and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"”

[cobra de capell]

E-Breasts......

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts”