Jokes

[bliss]

There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.

Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.’’ She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.

One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says ‘’Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies’’. The man standing next to her says, ‘’You go to Dr. Smith?’’ ‘’Yes,’’ she said, ‘’how did you know?’’ He replies ‘’Hickory dickory dock!’’
______

DEEP THOUGHTS

1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather— who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
—Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children”.
—Author Unknown

3) Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
—Drew Carey

4) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.
—Rod Stewart

5) The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it...at the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
—Jeff Foxworthy

6) Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.
—Unknown (presumed deceased)

7) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.
—Dave Barry

8) What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
—Marilyn Pittman

9) Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
—Bob Ettinger

10) My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.
—Paula Poundstone

11) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”
—Conan O’Brien

12) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, “Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.”
—Lynda Montgomery

13) I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.”
—Richard Jeni

14) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
—Johnny Carson

15) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.

-Paul Rodriguez

16) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.
—Jerry Seinfeld

17) Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?
—Warren Hutcherson

18) Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same.
—Oscar Wilde

19) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
—Mark Twain

20) Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student At least they can find Afghanistan!
—A. Whitney Brown

21) Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.
—Robin Williams

22) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
—Roseanne

23) Women need a reason to have sex Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal

24) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!
—Dave Barry

[bliss]

Don't forget to close the door.....

http://i.imgur.com/qlwxR.gif

A man called to testify at the IRS asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Priest, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?!"

"Simple", replied the Priest..."It doesn't matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"

[bliss]

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP ( miss-match )


A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow
copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He
decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop: " License and registration, please."

London Lawyer: "What for?"

Glasgow cop: "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."

London Lawyer: "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Glasgow cop: "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and
registration, please"

London Lawyer: "What's the difference?"

Glasgow cop: "The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop,
that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"

London Lawyer: "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration
and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the
ticket."

Glasgow cop: "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living hell out
of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?"
_____

I am truly perplexed that so many people are against another Mosque
being built in Sydney. I think it should be the goal of every
Australian to be tolerant.
Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban
Cowboy" ,and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."


Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and
adjacent to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called " Iraq
o' Ribs."


Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria
Keeps Nothing Secret ", with sexy mannequins in the window modeling
the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex
toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and
on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."


All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance
they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

[bliss]

One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other asshole using my stuff."

She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

[bliss]

Daryl, the 65-year old extremely wealthy Texan, shows up at the rodeo with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs on Daryl's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the rodeo are all envious. They corner him and ask, "Daryl, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Daryl replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continue to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

The Texan says, "I lied about my age."

His friends are fascinated, "What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?"

Daryl smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
_____

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical...
The nurse started with the basics...."How much do you weigh" she asked. "210" I said.
The nurse put me on the scale..
Turns out I weigh 245.
The nurse asked "what is your height?" "6 foot 4"
I said. The nurse checked ansd saw I am only 6'2".
She took my blood pressure and said it was very high.
I said "Of course it's high; when I came in here
I was tall and slender, now I am short and fat." she put me on Prozac..

[bliss]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,


>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>



"No kidding... I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
_____

Senior Wisdom ...

When you see a woman and you desire her, please consider the following:

No matter how beautiful she is...


No matter how sexy she is...


No matter how seductive she is...


No matter how huge her breasts are..


Damn, I forgot where I was going with this.

[392cobra]

RETIREMENT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYONE


One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass,

I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same
six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. ‘It’s Millie, Melda, Elma, Lacey, Sippy and Rosie’.

They're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.'

[bliss]

LIVING WILL FORM.

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Cold Beer____ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______the remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______the sports page______Sex ______or Chocolate: It should be presumed that I won’t ever get any better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature:__________________________ Date: _____
PS I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don’t even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!

[392cobra]

Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."

[bliss]

I was going to fly to Vegas this weekend, but when TSA checked my
personal items in my carry-on luggage I was refused boarding. This
is government control gone too far. What happened to my liberties?

http://dotcomjoe.com/0916f1

will have to drive now.....
_____

A woman (married three times) walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?'

The bride-to-be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time---for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

[bliss]

Jazz for Cows - YouTube

[bliss]

The Husband lays dying, with his wife by his bedside...He says in a weak voice "There's something I must confess."

"Shhhh" said the wife, "There's nothing to confess. Everything is all right."

"No" the husband replied "I must die in peace. I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mom!"

"I know," she whispered, "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes."

[letsboogie351]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One
day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son,
returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.



"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked
John.



"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.



The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him
completely out of his chair.



"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."



"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.



"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.



"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.



The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him
off his chair once more.



With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I
lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."



"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied
to my parents."



The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly
knocked him out of his chair.



Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you
ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is
your son!"



With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and slapped her
right off her chair.

[bliss]

Can't believe this works!

RC Round Up !Very Funny! - YouTube

[bliss]

Male or Female......

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..

EGG TIMERS:
Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTECONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

[bliss]

Why Do I Like Retirement?



Question: How many days in a week?

Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.



Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.



Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.



Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.


Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.



Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?

Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.



Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favorite....

QUESTION: What do you do all week?

Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.


SERENITY:

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied... 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..

She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.


I've sure gotten old!

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.

I'm half blind,

can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club
and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and
perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.


An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

' Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'


THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing

[bliss]

Little Johnny asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother

Little Johnny answered " The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the a$$ off his secretary."
_____

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks, "What's wrong?"
The boy says, "Me ma is dead."
"Oh bejaysus," the man says, "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you?"
The boy replies, "No tanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment."
_____

A young girl was going on a date. Her grandmother said: "Sit
here and let me tell you about those young boys.....

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that,
but don't let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like
that but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you
to have his way with you. You are going to like that, but
don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family.

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like
she had predicted:

"Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried,
I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced HIS
family..."

Grandma fainted.

[bliss]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment
of a prostate test by the British National Health Service,
a guy decided to have this next test carried out
while visiting friends in San Francisco , where
the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more
gentle and accommodating.

As he lay naked on his side on the table
and the nurse began the examination.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's
quite normal to get an erection," said the nurse.
"I haven't got an erection," said the man.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Moral: Don't have this procedure
done in San Francisco!
_____

[392cobra]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'




Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

[bliss]

In a man's world......

* Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

* Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

* If your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

* Birth control would come in ale or lager.

* Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

* The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

* "Sorry I'm late, but I was out getting wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

* Garbage would take itself out.

* Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

* Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

* Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

* On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.

* St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.

* The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

* Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

* When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. For example:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

* Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

* The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong.

* Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

* Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
______

Ten Thoughts to Ponder


Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

The Number 1 thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn you’re a$$ tomorrow.


And as someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age--it doesn't last that long."