Jokes

[tin-man]

Originally Posted by 392cobra

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

yep, thay have them types here in China..... tin-man

[bliss]

Authorities suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables

I probably looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!

[letsboogie351]

Sensitivity

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just make several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand."Yes, answered the Instructor."I was just wondering if it would be alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?

[bliss]

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section
Buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it’s not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...............................















Then buy a cat!

[bliss]

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my
wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner, my Love. . . Chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, “I'll have chicken, thank you.”

She replied "You're having soup a$$hole, I was talking to the cat."

[392cobra]

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?


The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

[letsboogie351]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak


Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.


After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.


A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."


Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change my supplier I think.


Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

[Skully]

A retired Cobra owner was walking down the street, when he saw a sign in a bar window, it said Piano Player Wanted,he went inside and saw the bartender and asked if he could play. He played, the bar went still to listen to the music, several people cried, the bartender came over and asked him what was the name of the song he played , the name of the song was , I love you so fu--en much I could sh&*, the bartender said that it was quite a name of a song and if he had more to play, he sure did and when asked the name of that song he replied Your t&ts are so big they make my eyes bug out. The bartender liked the music and said your hired, as the piano player stood up to shake on the job the bartender noticed that the piano players zipper was open and his peter was hanging out ,asked if he new it , the piano played know it I wrote it.

[letsboogie351]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids.
I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'What have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician,
there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'

[bliss]

A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they
should make sure from the start that they understand important
matters, so using sign language he explains to his bride:

"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your
- left - breast - once."

"When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will -
squeeze - your - right - breast - twice."

"When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my
- penis - once."

"When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should -
pull - my - penis - fifty - five - times."
_____

A man went to the doctor's office to ask for a triple dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a triple dose..

'Why not?' asked the man.

'Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.

'But I need it really bad,' said the man.

'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.

The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I've got to have a triple dose.'

The doctor finally relented saying, 'All right, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.'

On Monday afternoon the man dragged himself into the doctor's office...his right arm in a sling.



The doctor asked, 'Good Grief! What happened to you?'

The man said, 'No one showed up.'

[larryamyers]

First guys say he has a pub in his village where when you drink your thrid beer, the house buys your fourth.

Second guy says that's nothing, in his village, when you drink two beers, the third is on the house.

Third guy(of course) says that's nothing. We have a pub, when you come through the door, all the drinks are free. After you are tipsy, they take you upstairs and you make love all night long!

They are in disbelief! "What, you have done this! Is this true?

He says, well, no, i have not done it personally, but my sister does it all the time!

[letsboogie351]

Smart Arse!
Two businessmen in Mackay were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new shop...
As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to
walk by,
Put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious
old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "what
are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically,
"We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, must be doing well...
Only two left".

[bliss]

This morning, I completely lost control.......

[bliss]

Just in case any of you want to regulate the mood around the house, try mood lighting.....

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.


"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a
Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[letsboogie351]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman
waving at him. She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows
her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my
youngsters."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says,
"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I
made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."

[392cobra]

I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, “Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.”
That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions.

[392cobra]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a
new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small
knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could
be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a
brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted The Knob.
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob,
and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young
looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these
terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in
asking about the goatee...

[bliss]

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young man standing there who said: “I’m a Jehovah’s Witness”.

I said “Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about”?

He said, “ Heck if I know, I’ve never got this far before”

[bliss]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!) When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.


About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone! The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock !

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6. Viagra , Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee... This is your peepee on drugs

[dave from mesa]

This morning a coalition of Muslim leaders
warned the United States that if military
action against Muslim countries continues,
they intend to cut off America's supply of Seven-Eleven and motel managers.
If this action does not yield sufficient results,
cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell, AT&T
and AOL customer support reps. Finally, if all else fails,
they have threatened not to send us any more Presidents either.
It's going to get ugly, people.