Jokes

[bliss]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
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Yo dude!

I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When
she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she
took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the whole new bracket?

Your bud.
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[bliss]

[bliss]

Men are like high heels....

they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
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Simple household tips (These really work!):



1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING
THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM
ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES; THEN YOU'LL BE
AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T
MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
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The nice Jewish mother-in-law comes over and finds her son-in-law furious, and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asks.

Eli screams, "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found? My wife, yes, my Rachel, your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage. I'm leaving!"

"Calm down!" says the mother-in-law. "There's something odd about this story. My Rachel would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"You see, I said that there must be a simple explanation: Rachel never got your email!"
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It's not about the nail

[bliss]

Church Bulletins! - Part 2

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days..

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.
He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

[bliss]

Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "You're standing on my oxygen tube!"
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A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?
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Dating Guideline By Income Level

SSDI - $12,000 (Internet Porn)
$13,000 - $20,000 (Over-weight white or Hispanic woman with 3 kids)
$21,000 - $30,000 (A mail order bride from Russia or somewhere else in Asia)
$31,000 - $50,000 (A white woman in her late 20’s or early 30’s with 1 or 2 kids)
$51,000 - $75,000 (A college educated women in her early 20’s)
$76,000 - $100,000 (A professional/career woman or a hot dancer at the local strip club)
$110,000 & up (A trophy wife)
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[bliss]

So, someone try this.....

[bliss]