Jokes

[bliss]

1) Once, all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered but only one boy came with an umbrella - That's Faith.

2) When you throw a baby in the air she laughs because she knows you will catch her - That's Trust.

3) Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still, we set the alarm to wake up - That's Hope.

4) We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future or having any certainty of uncertainties - That's Confidence.

5) We see the world suffering. We know there is a possibility of same or similar things happening to us. But still, we get married - That's Over Confidence.
_____

Two High Court lawyers hired a secretary from a small town in the hills.
She was attractive and really hot but it was obvious that she knew nothing about city life.

One attorney said to the other, "Our secretary is so young, pretty and naive that she might be taken advantage of by some of those fast-talking city guys.
Why don't we teach her what's right and what's wrong?"

"Great idea," said the partner. You teach her what's right."
_____

A hotel guest called the front desk, and the clerk answered, "May I help you?"

The guest said, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to the room right away. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk said, "I'm sorry, Sir, but that's really a personal problem."

The guest replied, "Listen, Buddy, the window won't open, and that's a maintenance problem."
_____

[bliss]

I was attacked by a woman in an elevator.
I was in the elevator when she got in.
I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,
"Could you press one for me please”.
So I did... and I don't remember much afterward,
but I'm guessing it was the wrong one.
_____

Men are happier......

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

EATING OUT
*When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave, and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
*A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
*A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
*A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

*The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
*A woman has the last word in any argument.
*Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
*A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
*A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
*A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
*A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
*A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
*A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
*Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
*Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
*Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams, wedding anniversaries, birth dates.
*A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing - forever.

[bliss]

Five facts of life
.
1) We all spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that
the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
.
2) Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks is......PRICELESS.
.
3) Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend
of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.
.
4) Arguing over a woman's bust size is like choosing between Coors, Bud,
Heineken or Corona. Men may state their preferences but will grab
whatever is available.
.
5) I haven't verified this on GOOGLE, but it sounds legitimate.
A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight -
live longer than the men who mention it.
_____

A 'different' 50 shades of grey....
.
He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment.
.
His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again... and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out...in and out...........in and out, ever so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch....
.
Her heart was pounding…pounding that she felt it would burst from her chest......her face was flushed............she was dripping with perspiration, then she moaned, oh so softly at first, then she began to groan louder and louder and louder.
.
Till finally and totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream, a scream that shook him to the very core and she shuddered to a sudden halt.
.
Her whole body was taut and stretched her face like crimson, finally gasping for every breath she said:

"OK!, OK! So I CAN'T parallel park the bloody car."
_____

[bliss]

Why the Services can’t work together

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
_____

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast.
In it was an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.
He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!".
_____

[bliss]

The police finally arrested the local madam and seized her big black book in which her talent was listed.
Each officer on the force was assigned a group of the names in it and told to check them out.

After a week, the Chief called a meeting to get their reports.
When it became time for Detective Ralph to tell what he had found, he said, "I'm sorry, Chief, but I think I should disqualify myself.
One of the ladies is an 84-year-old woman. She is so charming that I have to tell you that I have fallen in love with her."

"Damn, boy!" exclaimed the Chief. "I sure am surprised at you.
You've been a policeman almost all your life, and here you are,
falling for the oldest trick in the book."
_____

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
_____

My wife texted me after we had a big fight to say I was very condescending. To be honest, I was surprised she could spell it.
_____

My wife says she hates the way I narrate every situation.............................and here she comes now.
_____

[bliss]

Where to retire......

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where …
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where …
1. You make over $450,000 a year and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where …
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where …
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!"
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where …
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder.”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
OR
You can move to Colorado where …
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?"

OR
FINALLY you can retire to Florida where …
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[bliss]

An old Jew is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you doing reading that paper? You should be reading The Jewish Journal.'"

Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read good news."

Harry says, "What good news could possibly be in that paper?"

Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood. See? It's all good news."

Bonus...

“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.” “You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well, that’s your own fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
_____

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That's much easier.

Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
______

[bliss]

Why does a chicken coop only has 2 doors?????

----Because if it had 4 doors it would be called a chicken sedan-----
_____

The NFL draft has consequences......

The Buffalo Bills barely lost a game in 1970 by missing on a bad pass for touchdown. The loss allowed them to get the 1st pick in the draft, where they took O.J. Simpson. While living in Buffalo, Simpson met his wife Nicole, and some years later killed her. He then hired Robert Kardashian to be one of his lawyers. They won the case, making the Kardashian name somewhat famous. Then Kardashian's daughter Kim dropped the sex tape and became really famous. So basically the 1970 Buffalo Bills are the reason we have to deal with the Kardashians today, because if they would've won that game, they wouldn't have had the pick which they took OJ, so he would have never met Nicole, and thus never had a chance to kill her, preventing the entire Kardashian family from ever being even a sliver of a subject in modern culture.

Damn you Buffalo Bills. Damn you.
_____


Best sign of the day.....

We're closed Tuesday, July 4 in observance of Brexit 1776!

[bliss]

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere,
the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when they alternate
with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,
while the American woman keeps on *****ing about her body being her own,
the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores,
how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer,
and how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,
who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery.

After the first few liters of coconut whiskey, they do not remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that a least the English are not getting any.
______

It's not easy being a man:

- If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

- If she has a headache, she's not in the mood. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

- If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

- If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

- If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

- If you want it too often, you're oversexed; if you don't, there must be someone else.
_____

[bliss]

My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed.

Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
_____

How can you tell if a man hasn't gotten laid in a while?



He's wearing a wedding ring.
_____

My horoscope was so wrong today…

I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
_____

[bliss]

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city one evening.
They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley.
Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and beaten," he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away.
One remarked to her colleague, "You know, the person who did this really needs help."
_____

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while,
and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host.
"I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."

"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile,
She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!" I said.
_____

GODS PLAN FOR AGING.....


Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom,
God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses,
keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom, He made seniors
lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have
additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise.
God looked down and saw that it was good.

So - if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will.
It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to
use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years -
unless you give them your email address.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

[bliss]

Philosophy for today.....

I found this timely because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "What brings you in today?" I looked at her, and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond. ...Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance.'

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ' The' and ' IRS ' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

[bliss]

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met.
After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.
Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas,
the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deterioated and
the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident.
The mind numbing question is: Who was the survivor?




<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<



The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
Women - Stop reading here. That is the end of the joke.

For all you men - Keep scrolling

<
>
<
>
<
>
<
>
<

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus,
the perfect woman must have been driving.
And that explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading this,
it just illustrates another point.
Women never listen either.

[bliss]

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army!

The interviewer, "We want a person with a suspicious mind, always alert,
merciless, ready to attack, an acute sense of hearing, detective ability and most importantly, having a KILLER INSTINCT !!!
So do you think you are eligible?"

Man, "No Sir, but........ can my Wife apply..?"
_____

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years,
until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said: "Butter - 10 Francs"

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window: "Butter - 9 Francs"

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign: "Butter - 8 Francs"
Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read: "7 Franc."

This went on for a while until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said, "Madam, you cannot keep your prices so low for long.
These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered, "Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."
_____

When a fly falls into a cup of coffee……

The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.

The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.

The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese – eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian – Drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli – sells the coffee to the Frenchman, sells the fly to the Chinese, sells the cup to the Italian, drinks a cup of tea, and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian – blames the Israeli for the fly falling into his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, the German and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of tea to the Palestinian, so there will be peace!

[bliss]

A guy went into a bar and tried to order a fruit punch.

The bartender said, "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line."

The guy looked around but there was no punch line.

[bliss]

Sort of like building a Cobra.....

https://streamable.com/20pa

[bliss]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,

I can't even get into my own pants.
_____

I bought a box of Animal Crackers and it said on it: "Do not eat if seal is broken."

So I opened the box and sure enough............................................ .........
_____

Japanese scientists have invented a camera with a shutter that operates so incredibly fast, it was recently able to take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut
_____

Sam had proposed to young Lisa and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Sam, "I am."

"Well," said Lisa's father, "think carefully now. There are six of us."
_____

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."

"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."
_____

[bliss]

The Sacred Code of Conduct for Men

Moses had his commandments. Hippocrates had his oath. But the sacred code of conduct binding all men have always been unwritten...until now.


😝 Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

😌 (The Sergeant Schultz Rule): When queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.


😇 Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.


😎 Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move furniture: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident. Acceptable excuse for not helping the friend of a friend move furniture: You'd rather stay home and watch Speed Racer reruns.


😎 (The Tuxedo Cloaking Rule): A 'best-man toast' must not include the following phrase: "When we were down in Tijuana...."


😒 Under no circumstances may two men ever share an umbrella.


😘 If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever, unless you actually marry her.


😇 The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late: five minutes. Maximum waiting time: six minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of 'hotness' she scores on the classic 1-10 rating scale.

😓 Whining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature's unsuitable.


😤 (The Patton Principle): Falling on a grenade for a buddy (i.e., agreeing to distract the shan-ked friend of the hot babe he's trying to score), is your legal duty. But, should you get actually 'get lucky' with her later, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.


😉 On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.


😎 (The Hand-off Catechism): Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission; and he, in return, is required to grant it.


😈 Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies, until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.


😜 If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.


😁 No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your best buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)


😎 The universal compensation for buddies who help you move, is beer. The reward formula is as follows: (hours of labor) x (number of boxes) x (flights of stairs) ÷ dollars, in hundreds, of damage to belongings = number of beers owed. Plus several Bonus Beers for the friend who owns the truck.


😈 You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into the ceiling fan.

😎 Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.


😏 When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.


😈 (The Mercy Rule): When your girlfriend/ wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny, loser friend up with one of your pals, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy, and give him adequate time to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.

😎 It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.


😈 Only in a situation of mortal peril are you allowed to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.


😁 Unless you're in prison, never ever fight naked.


😒 (The Body Heat Rule): A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.


😜 The third, fourth, and fifth rules of Fight Club: If your buddy is outnumbered, outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If during the past 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, 'What this guy needs is a good ass-whupping,' you may stand back and enjoy.


😎 Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.


😈 When picking players for a sports team, it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes - as long as you don't let him be the last sorry SOB standing on the sidelines.


😌 If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.


😈 Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.


😒 Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.


😉 Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you're on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation needed.


😇 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you're able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.


😈 You cannot rat on a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may, however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with Limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor's broken,
and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.


😎 If one guy is already singing along with a song on the car radio, you may not chime in, even if it's the chorus to "Wooly Bully." Better response: Tell him to shut his pie hole.


😜 When a buddy is trying to hit on a hot chick, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting any either.

😈 Things you can always cheat on: your taxes, the SATs, and your résumé. Things you can never cheat on: golf, darts, poker.


😈 Before allowing a drunken pal to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he can get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "Screw You!" you are absolved of responsibility. Remember: Later on you will have no idea what his girlfriend is talking about.

😂 (The Sk@nk Rule): You may swear friends to secrecy about a sexual escapade only if there's a chance the woman in question will become your girlfriend. If you're imprudent enough to get caught bagging an undesirable female, then the anecdote will stay in the guy public domain right through your bachelor party.


😎 Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

[bliss]

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary.

"Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old, fat and ugly" she said "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with".

"That's fair enough" I replied "When can you start?"
_____

When they told you to seek attention... they meant "medical", not "internet".
_____

A child with an imaginary friend is normal.

An adult with an imaginary friend is strange,

And a group of people with an imaginary friend is called religion.
_____

[bliss]

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by
Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he
could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to
figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he
would be put to death.

The question was: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.

Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom
and began to poll everybody: the princesses, the prostitutes, the
priests, the wise men, the court jester, et al.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
would know the answer. The price would be high since the witch was
famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The
last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
to the witch.

She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price
first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the noblest of the
Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous,
had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene
noises...etc... He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He
refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her
own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and
that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring
monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
and anguish. The old witch put her worst manners on display and
generally made everyone very uncomfortable. Gawain was proper as
always, gentle, and courteous.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful
woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what
had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd
been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self,
and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would
he want her to be during the day, and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: During
the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in
the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having
by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many
intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, What would be your
choice?



😈


😈


😈


😈


😈


Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own
life.

And what is the moral of this story?

The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly,
underneath it all, she's still a witch -- and don't you forget it!