Jokes

[bliss]

I have a bumper sticker that says, "honk if you think I'm sexy"...

I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.
_____



A textbook example of unintended consequences is provided by the heavy cigarette taxes levied in some US states-- each sets its own rate, and they vary wildly: Missouri's state cigarette tax is 17 cents. It's $4.35 in New York...

[OnyxCobra]

[392cobra]

Huh. I don't get the "joke".

[bliss]

I suppose if the blade is set just right this will turn out well.....



Not funny and a little gross, but.... (Darwin Award contenders)

Cookin' with cooper....

[bliss]

Fifty-Seven Years of Math 1957-2014 In America:

The evolution in teaching math since the 1950’s

1. Teaching Math in 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math in 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math in 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math in 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math in 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math in 2000s
If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of
race, color, religion, sex, sexual orientation, age, childhood
memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct
answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.
7. Teaching Math in 2014
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la
producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
_____

[bliss]

Henry Winkler is a passenger on a plane and the flight attendant asks him, "Would you like some headphones?"

He replies, "Yes, that would be very nice, but it's pronounced 'Fonz'."

_____
For all you big guys...

[bliss]

I was in the queue at Starbucks this morning.

The man getting served in front of me, asked for a mocha. "Sorry sir, but we're out of mochas". The guy was fuming "I have a mocha every morning when I come in here!", he raged, "I'll just have to have a latte!". He went and sat down.

I went to the counter and said "I'll have a large latte too, please". They asked me for my name. I asked why they needed it and they told me that they'd write it on my cup and shout it when it was ready.

So I told them my name was Mocha.



I'd like this for Christmas....

[bliss]

OT Sometimes we need more than a laugh....

After you finish reading the bulk of it, you will understand that good is better than evil. And, if one can find a reason to be happy, that should take precedence over an excuse to be unhappy.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

1. Today, I interviewed my grandmother for part of a research paper I'm working on for my Psychology class. When I asked her to define success in her own words, she said, "Success is when you look back at your life and the memories make you smile."

2. Today, I asked my mentor - a very successful business man in his 70s- what his top 3 tips are for success. He smiled and said, "Read something no one else is reading, think something no one else is thinking, and do something no one else is doing."

3. Today, after a 72 hour shift at the fire station, a woman ran up to me at the grocery store and gave me a hug. When I tensed up, she realized I didn't recognize her. She let go with tears of joy in her eyes and the most sincere smile and said, "On 9-11-2001, you carried me out of the World Trade Center."

4. Today, after I watched my dog get run over by a car, I sat on the side of the road holding him and crying. And just before he died, he licked the tears off my face.

5. Today at 7AM, I woke up feeling ill, but decided I needed the money, so I went into work. At 3PM I got laid off. On my drive home I got a flat tire. When I went into the trunk for the spare, it was flat too. A man in a BMW pulled over, gave me a ride, we chatted, and then he offered me a job. I start tomorrow.

6. Today, as my father, three brothers, and two sisters stood around my mother's hospital bed, my mother uttered her last coherent words before she died. She simply said, "I feel so loved right now. We should have gotten together like this more often."

7. Today, I kissed my dad on the forehead as he passed away in a small hospital bed. About 5 seconds after he passed, I realized it was the first time I had given him a kiss since I was a little boy.

8. Today, in the cutest voice, my 8-year-old daughter asked me to start recycling. I chuckled and asked, "Why?" She replied, "So you can help me save the planet." I chuckled again and asked, "And why do you want to save the planet?" Because that's where I keep all my stuff," she said.

9. Today, when I witnessed a 27-year-old breast cancer patient laughing hysterically at her 2-year-old daughter's antics, I suddenly realized that I need to stop complaining about my life and start celebrating it again.

10. Today, a boy in a wheelchair saw me desperately struggling on crutches with my broken leg and offered to carry my backpack and books for me. He helped me all the way across campus to my class and as he was leaving he said, "I hope you feel better soon."

11. Today, I was feeling down because the results of a biopsy came back malignant. When I got home, I opened an e-mail that said, "Thinking of you today. If you need me, I'm a phone call away." It was from a high school friend I hadn't seen in 10 years.

12. Today, I was traveling in Kenya and I met a refugee from Zimbabwe. He said he hadn't eaten anything in over 3 days and looked extremely skinny and unhealthy. Then my friend offered him the rest of the sandwich he was eating. The first thing the man said was, "We can share it."

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

[bliss]

Five Undeniable Facts

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize

that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.



2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having

a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.



3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of

mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.



4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson,

Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but

will grab whatever is available.



5. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live

longer than the men who mention it.

[bliss]

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, says, "I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

“That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy," and the other, a topless bar, would be called "You Mecca Me Hot." “Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq of Ribs."

"Across the street there could be a lingerie store call Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret," with sexy mannequins in the window and modeling the goods", and on the other side a liquor store called Morehammered."

"All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us." Yes, we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on."
_____

Future public execution device....




Something to relate to...

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pi$$ing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when I finally snap!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my kids took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... But it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Lord, Give me patience and give it to me NOW.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... That makes it a plant which means ... Chocolate is Salad.

[bliss]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer,
"So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
_____

I've drawn a cartoon picture of


Mohamed and signed it Kim Jong-un.


Let's see where this goes.
_____

If Russia invaded Turkey from behind, do you think Greece would help?
_____

[bliss]

What did one saggy boob say to the other?

If we don't get support soon, people will think we are nuts.
_____



Sort of funny....




Obama has decided to make Community College education "FREE" (for those who qualify, meaning they are low/no income or members of a minority class).

Obama states that he will proceed with executive action to accomplish this, irrespective of Congress or citizen desires.

The President has even outlined the curriculum that will be offered. He insists that the courses offered must include:

‘Introduction to the Metric’ system…with emphasis on the unit ‘grams’ used in retail sales.

‘Ebonics not Phonics’ The way to say something without using those stupid rules of grammar or spelling.

‘Economics for Today’….Why you deserve other people’s money even if you don’t contribute to society.

‘Modern Sociology’ How the latest trends in rioting, looting, and men like Al Sharpton have enhanced our society.

‘Immigration’….It’s no longer illegal, it’s your right! Why you should not have to comply with immigration laws once you have managed to sneak into the country.

[bliss]

A group of seniors was sitting around talking about all their ailments.


"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another.
"My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive."
_____

[bliss]

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan , where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.

The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.

He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Many years later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

"Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."
"Was it a long time ago?"
"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
_____

[bliss]

50 Shades of Bacon Burger...




On the Bacon Burger above: unsmoked back bacon, unsmoked streaky bacon, smoked back and smoked streaky bacon, turkey bacon, prosciutto, mortadella, pancetta, a bacon burger, a sausage patty and chicken fried bacon, AND to top it all off there’s bacon crisps, baconnaise and bacon dusted chips.

[bliss]

Home Security....

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a month.
_____

[bliss]

Now, how to mount this on a Cobra?

[bliss]

I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.
_____

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
_____

An elderly black woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'

'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
_____

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?

And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"
_____

[bliss]

Editing skills....



How To Stop The Church Gossip


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old car parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

Frank, a man of few words,stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny anything. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his car in front of Mildred's house, walked home and left it there all night.

[bliss]

Well THAT was a big help!





A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."
"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. So no point in your coming in for that."