Jokes

[bliss]

Did I read that sign right?

- In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

- In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

- In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

- In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

- In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

- Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

- Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

- Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

- Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

- Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
_____

[Mark IV]

Automotive taste test....

[bliss]

How to fold a shirt....



Russion Tampon Commercial

Be careful out there....

[bliss]

Just some stunning landscape pictures

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new,
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.
Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress,
And I'm wearing it, she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said,
''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied,
''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

[bliss]

Headlines In The Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California.


White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language.


Baby conceived naturally....Scientists stumped.


Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.


Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.


Results of 35 year study: diet and exercise are the key to weight loss.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.


Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.


Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with Congressman.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%.
_____

Having a good day....

[bliss]

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home. He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.
The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief stoically replied, "My bike."
_____

[bliss]

Why Marine veterans have it hard getting a job....

Job Interview

Personnel Manager: "What is your greatest weakness ?"

Old Marine: "Honesty"

Personnel Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness !"

Old Marine: "I don't give a sh#t what you think"