Jokes

[bliss]

[bliss]

I just had a physical.
The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty"
I said, "Like bacon, and burgers?"
He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything!"
_____

This is what all of us 80+-year-olds, and those yet-to-be, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of a time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.
_____

I'm sure my coworker is having an affair with my wife...

He's been very miserable lately.
_____

A blond is in a car crash and she says, "I think I have a concussion." The paramedic asks, "How many fingers do I have up?" The blond shrieks, "Oh my God! I am paralyzed from the waist down, too!"

[CSX 4133]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[bliss]

Two old men were in the park talking.

After a while, the conversation turned to ageing. One said, "When it comes to getting older, women have all the luck."

"How do you mean?" asked his friend.

"Well, I haven't been able to perform in bed for ten years now, but my wife seems to be healthier than ever."

"In what way is she healthier?" asked the friend.

"Up to about ten years ago, she used to get these terrible headaches just before bedtime. But she doesn't get them anymore."
_____

AAA Towing Service in Mexico

[Chicagowil]

A friend of mine several years ago related this to me:

He came home to find his 67 year old wife standing nude in front of the full length mirror looking a herself.

He asked her "What are you doing?"

Well, she said, if you remember, I had a physical today and the Dr said I have the body of a 40 year old!


Well, you should give it back- your getting it all wrinkled!

[Chicagowil]

There was a little boy and girl on the playground.

The little boy was trying to make the girl cry on a bet with his friends.

He approaches the girl and drops his pants. The says to the little girl "I have one of these and you don't". The little girl starts to cry and runs home.

The little boy feels very proud that he has won!

The next day the little boy sees another little girl on the playground and approaches her.

He once again lowers his pants and says "I have one of these and you don't"

The little girl raises her skirt and says "My Mom say with one of these I can have all of those that I want"

[bliss]

Sol and Mort are walking from religious service. Sol wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Mort replies, "Why don't you ask Rabbi Schwartz?"

So Sol goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I smoke while I pray?" But Rabbi says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Sol goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. Mort says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Mort goes up to Rabbi Schwartz and asks, "Rabbi, may I pray while I smoke?" To which Rabbi Schwartz eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means."

Moral:
The reply you get depends on the question you ask.
_____

A man visits a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has had getting a close shave around his cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave
the man has ever experienced.

As the Barber is finishing up, the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back the next day like everyone else does."
_____

[CSX 4133]

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.

I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?"

I'm old, and I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.

I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

My Best Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion . . suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven un-assembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?

[bliss]

As I stepped out of the shower, I heard someone in my kitchen downstairs.
Knowing that my wife was out, I grabbed my 1903 heirloom rifle—which no longer works—
and crept downstairs, forgetting the fact that I was in my birthday suit.

I came around the corner with the gun raised, only to find my wife loading the dishwasher.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I thought I heard an intruder. ?I came down to scare him.”

Scanning the contours of my doughy, naked body, she mumbled, “You didn’t need the gun.”
_____

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one ENJOYS it?
_____

Relationships are like fat people... most of them don't work out.

[bliss]

Hello.....

[Ron61]

A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, "Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?" The Harvard student replies "At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition." The kid said, "Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

[bliss]

There was a tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a penny when he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

A local church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid. Because his price was so low, he got the job. And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say,
thinning it down.

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffolding to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke:
"Repaint! Repaint! and thin no more!"
_____

Tom, Dick, and Harry were in the pub, a week before Xmas, enjoying a few quiet drinks when they decided to get in on the Xmas raffle. They bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Dick was the winner of the second prize, six month's supply of extra-long gourmet spaghetti. And Harry won the sixth prize - a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said Dick. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

[BAsque1]

Two friends are at the bar, one says to the other “ Did you know that I had testicular surgery and I have one wooden testicle and one metal testicle”
The friend, surprised asks you do? Yes I do.
But do you have any children? He replies, yes as a matter of fact two boys, Robocop and Pinocchio!!

[Ron61]

A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"

[bliss]

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him.

As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $49.50."
_____

A lawyer dies and goes before Saint Peter. Saint Peter looks over his record and tells him he doesn't see any major offenses but not much good done either. The lawyer tells him that he gave a quarter to a homeless man in 1989 right outside the coffee shop and then again he gave a quarter to another homeless outside the home depot in 2010. Saint Peter tells him it is a close call and that he will check with God. So Saint Peter asks God whether he should let him in or not and God says " Give him his fifty cents back and send him to hell"
_____

Women are like computers. You never really....

appreciate them until they go down on you!
_____

[Ron61]

A Brazilian, a Frenchman, and a Nigerian were in a plane. The pilot told them that they have to jump out of the plane when they find their country. The Brazilian jumped out when he saw the Christ the Redeemer statue. The Frenchman jumped out when he saw the Eiffel Tower. When it was the Nigerian's turn the pilot asked, "When will you jump?" The Nigerian put his hand outside the plane window. When he brought it back in, his watch was gone. He said, "Ah, we've reached my country."

[bliss]

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
"She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
"She will praise you!
"She will bear your children, and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for just a rib?"
Of course, the rest is history!!!!
_____

You know it's going to be a bad day when:

- the fortune teller charges you half-price.

- your cat chokes to death on your goldfish.

- your suggestion box starts ticking.

- you call the Suicide Hotline and they put you on hold.

- the exterminator crawls under your house and never comes back out.

- your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- you find the Yellow Pages open at "hitmen."

- your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
____

Since some folks have decided that "Baby it’s Cold Outside" should be banned and pulled from radio playlists, we feel that these other holiday songs must also be removed as they are offensive as well.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: subjecting minors to softcore porn; infidelity　

White Christmas? Racist

Santa Claus is Coming to Town: Sees you when you’re sleeping? Knows when you’re awake? Peeping Tom stalker　

Do You Hear What I Hear: blatant disregard for the hearing impaired

Grandma Got Ran Over By A Reindeer: Come on the name says it all! Reckless driving, attempted murder, elder abuse!
_____

I like to call random numbers and ask whoever answers if it’s the suicide hotline.

When they say no I yell, “DAMMIT I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!” Then I fire my gun in the background and drop my phone.
_____

It snowed last night...

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby said it could have been two snow men instead.

8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .

8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.

8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.

9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.

9:29 - protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

Moral:

There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become all because of snowflakes.

[Ron61]

Good one Bliss. I needed a laugh to start the day with.

Ron

[Ron61]

He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?

He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the
sofa and fart!

He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said.....Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[BigGuy]

That’s reallly good I might have to recycle this one!