Jokes

[bliss]

When I was a kid I prayed every night for a new bicycle.

Then I learned the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and prayed for forgiveness instead.

Confused?

[bliss]

Sex quiz for men.....


1. In the company of females,
Intercourse should be referred to as:

A) lovemaking
B) screwing
C) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:

A) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
B) Your blood-test results
C) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

A) Your partner climaxes first
B) You both climax simultaneously
C) You don't miss Sports-Centre


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

A) Healthy, creative love-play
B) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
C) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

A) The best part of the experience
B) The second best part of the experience
C) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month.
You tell her that it is:

A) No concern of yours
B) Not a problem, she can join your gym
C) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

A) A myth
B) An oxymoron
C) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

A) Appetizer is to entree
B) Primer is to paint
C) A line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?

A) "I hope we can still be friends."
B) "I'm not in right now,
Please leave a message at the beep."
C) "Welcome to Dumpsville,
Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

A) Probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
B) Is uptight and a waste of time
C) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered "a" more than 7 times,
Check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times,
Check into therapy,
You're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times...
"YOU DA MAN!

[indianamoon]

deleted, ebay auction price modified to near normal

[bliss]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT -- make YOUR choice before you scroll down below.


OKAY?








Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?


The moral is --











If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly..

[bliss]

A man was in a long line at Walmart , as he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.

She asked, 'What size condoms?'

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom,

'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'


A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool.

He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know so she asked him to drop his pants and he did.

She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said...




'Cleanup, Register 5'
_____