Jokes

[letsboogie351]

I phoned an engineer friend to seek his help with a problem but, he shut me down saying that he didn't have time as he was currently busy working on aqua thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and stainless steel under a constrained environment.
I was impressed until further probing revealed he was washing dishes with hot water under the watchful eye of his wife

[bliss]

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how you get back up.

Cop: That's not how this sobriety test works.
_____

After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F!
_____

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at
the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter
asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped
forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people
rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an
HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But, as the HMO manager
walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you go to hell.
_____

[Cruisin428]

[bliss]

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours, to begin with.

But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free.......

You either married it or gave birth to it.
_____

I was sitting with my cell phone and my wife watching her show. I asked her for a beer and she said no. Then her cell phone rang in the kitchen and she quickly got up to see what it was. My message said. "Since you're in the kitchen, bring me a beer".... I don't remember anything else.

_____

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers, and 1 plot line?










632 Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

[kevins2]

[cycleguy55]

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?"

The guy answers, "A scotch, please."

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!"

The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

[bliss]

Schrodinger's Virus

We all have Schrodinger's Virus now.

Because we can't get tested, we don't know if we have the virus or not.

We have to act as though we have the virus so we don't spread it to others.

We have to act as though we've never had the virus, otherwise, we'd be immune.

Therefore we both have, and don't have the virus.

If you don't understand this joke, why did you click on the title? Do you know somebody named Schrodinger?
_____

Does anyone know if we can take showers yet, or should we just keep washing our hands?

[bliss]

We are told that if we need to cough, we should do it into our elbow,
to minimize the risk of spreading this virus.

We are also told not to shake hands anymore, but we should touch elbows,
instead.

Wait......WHAT ????
_____

I don’t care how nice the hand soap smells. You should never walk out of the restroom sniffing your fingers.
_____

You came from dust. You will return to dust. That’s why I don’t dust. It could be someone I know.
_____

The Corona-Virus has achieved what no female has ever been able to achieve. It has canceled sports, closed all the bars, and kept all the guys at home!

[bliss]

[bliss]

I think that if I died and went straight to hell it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.

When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of emergency, I always write, "A very good doctor".

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

My buddy set me up on a blind date & said, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby." Felt like an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper.

I need to start paying closer attention to stuff.
Found out today my wife and I have separate names for the cat.

There are few things I enjoy more than picking an argument with my girlfriend when she has the hiccups.

Cancer cures smoking.

I don't care what you think you're good at, there's a 7-year-old kid on YouTube doing it better.

Oh... I didn't tell you... Then It must be none of your business...

Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their door.

Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar. I've been doing nothing for years.

The human brain is one of the most complex objects in the universe. Is it any wonder that so many people never learn to use it.

Do you know why I make puns? Because it's my respunsibility.
_____

A friend of mine had just seen a documentary about Chernobyl. He grew up in Ukraine in the 1980s and was able to count at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.
_____

[EM-0785]

Re-posting an old Club Cobra video I came across, it's hilarious!!!!

It’s the video in post #1 of the forum thread linked below, very well done, top hat I’d say. It refers to this site owner also named Brent, not me.

Enjoy…Brent

Brent's not too happy...

[bliss]

When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive...
It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

Two wrongs don't make a right, take your parents as an example.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.

I liked beer so much that my family didn't know I drank until they saw me sober!

Welcome to Twitter - if you are not already following a mom who drinks wine one will be assigned to you.

I asked dad for his best dad joke, he said you.

A mother makes her son intelligent in 20 years, but a woman can make him stupid in 30 seconds.

I'll never forget my grandpa's final words, "stop shaking the ladder you little fart."

Doctor: "Well, it looks like you're pregnant."
Woman: "Oh my God, I'm pregnant?!"
Doctor: "No, it just looks like you are."

[bliss]

The wife and I have been practicing social distancing lately. Well, OK, she calls it a restraining order.
_____

When the pandemic first hit, I had to tell my luggage that my travel plans were canceled. Now I have to deal with all this emotional baggage.
_____

[bliss]

Posted for no particular reason except I found this interesting and perhaps others here will too.

It is a pretty cool chart illustrating the water depths of various things and what the water pressure would cause at some of these depths.... It is only one page but you have to scroll around to see it all...

https://xkcd.com/1040/large/
_____

No. of Recommendations: 11
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually, I'm not complaining because I am a Senager (Senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.

[bliss]

The Blues

Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound."

The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillac's and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvo s, BMW's, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and company motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chompin' on it is.

You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

Good places for the Blues:

a. Highway

b. Jailhouse

c. An empty bed

d. Bottom of a whiskey glass


Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. Gallery openings

c. Ivy league institutions

d. Golf courses


No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be a old ethnic person, and you slept in it.


You have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You older than dirt

b. You blind

c. You shot a man in Memphis

d. You can't be satisfied


You don't have the right to sing the Blues if:

a. You have all your teeth

b. You were once blind but now can see

c. The man in Memphis lived

d. You have a pension fund

Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues


Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. Cheap wine

b. Whiskey or bourbon

c. Muddy water

d. Nasty black coffee


The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broke-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues.

[bliss]

Covid pickup lines.....

If COVID-19 doesn’t take you out, can I?

Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket or are you just happy to be within 6 feet of me?

Since the public libraries are closed I’m checking you out instead.

You can’t spell virus without U and I.

Baby do you need toilet paper? I can be your Prince Charmin.

I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
_______

John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door,
Jill said, "Wait a minute, I want to see how you unlock the door."

"Why?" John asks.

"Because I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."

John says, "Well, give me some examples."

"Well," Jill explains, "if a guy shoves his key into the lock and opens the door hard,
then that means he is a rough lover and he isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't
seem to find the keyhole, that means he is inexperienced and he isn't for me either. So,
how do you unlock your door?"

Without hesitation, John says, "Well, before I do anything else, I lick the lock."
______

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Okay. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
_____

My wife asked me if she died would I re-marry?

I said no, I'd just go and live with my brother.

Then I asked her if she'd re-marry if I died.

She said no, she would just go and live with my brother too

[bliss]

Elderly couple in bed

Wife: I was dreaming I was at Walmart.
Husband: I was dreaming I was with 3 women.
Wife: Was I there?
Husband: No, you were at Walmart.
______

It's the 1930's in communist Russia and two guards are on sentry duty.

Igor says to his companion Ivor “what do you really think of Comrade Stalin?”

Ivor replies “the same as you”

Igor raises his rifle and says “you are under arrest”
______

[bliss]

Might wake up early and go running tomorrow.

I also might win the lottery.

The odds are about the same.
_____

I've opened a restaurant called "Peace & Quiet”.

Kids meals: Only $150.
_____

CNN reports: the Oscars were "mostly peaceful"
_____

What I lack in restraint....................

...................I make up for in remorse.
________

What the large print giveth.................

.....................the small print taketh away.
______

Too bad Frank Zappa didn't name 1 of his kids...

Bug...
______

A local veterinarian was known for his wry humor.

He surpassed himself one summer day when a woman, who was visiting, brought a dog to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting, and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"$150 dollars, ma'am," he answered.

"Now that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you people! You're always trying to overcharge summer visitors. What do you do in the winter, when there is no one here to overcharge?"

"We raise porcupines, ma'am."
______

[95CobraR]

Very good posts.

[Harpoon PV2]

I went to the fights last night, and a hockey game broke out!