Jokes

[bliss]

My wife told me women are better at multitasking than men.

So I told her to sit down and shut up.

Guess what...

She couldn't do either!
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I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment about their mustache, and suddenly... she’s not your friend anymore.
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I'm going to hell..........................

in so many different religions.
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Exercise?

I thought you said "extra fries."
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Does wine count as a serving of fruit?
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Shaving with a razor takes a lot of courage.

I used to shave my privates with one.......

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.
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I scared the postman today by going to the door naked.

I’m not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.
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[SMOKNAC]

This doesn’t apply to me. Not much anyway.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn'tmiss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they couldfind a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week.
You can do YOUR part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care...I have now done MY part.

[bliss]

Don't ever join dangerous cults.

Practice safe sects.
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I went to Home Depot to buy a manure spreader

I asked what kind of warranty came with it. The salesman said it was the one product they wouldn't stand behind.
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A hermit was pulled over by the police and

charged with recluse driving.
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Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"
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It was mealtime during a flight on Blonde Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
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My girlfriend said to me the other day ......

"Why did God give women cramp pains, and men nothing !!"

I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."

That's when the argument started.
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Just checked the height/weight chart at the gym.

Apparently, I'm about 6 inches too short.
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Yesterday I met Darth Vader's corrupt brother...

Taxi Vader
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This guy called me gay for wearing heels the other day. There's no way I was wearing sneakers with that dress.
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I have yet to bite a moose that tastes like chocolate.
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A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father." Said the man.

"After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again.

"Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."

"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.