Jokes

[bliss]

I just had a physical.
The doctor said, "Don't eat anything fatty"
I said, "Like bacon, and burgers?"
He said, "No fatty, don't eat anything!"
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This is what all of us 80+-year-olds, and those yet-to-be, have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center. The people who lived there had small apartments but they all ate at a central cafeteria.

One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room but found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of a time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right.

She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first stair step so they called an ambulance for him.

A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing.

The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one side of his boxer shorts.

I am sending this to my children so that they don't sell the house before they know all the facts.
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I'm sure my coworker is having an affair with my wife...

He's been very miserable lately.
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A blond is in a car crash and she says, "I think I have a concussion." The paramedic asks, "How many fingers do I have up?" The blond shrieks, "Oh my God! I am paralyzed from the waist down, too!"

[Ron61]

That was a good one Bliss and I have to remember it.

Ron

[bliss]

What's the difference between MPH & MPG?

About 40 years

If you need an explanationn...naw, forget it.
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Marriage is like a violin...

after all the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached.
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A 90-year-old man on his birthday gets a knock on his front door. He slowly goes down the stairs and opens the door. At his door is a beautiful young woman in a bikini with a bunch of balloons. "I'm here to give you Super Sex! ", she exclaims. The old man replies, " I'll take the Soup! ".
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An old couple vacationing in Vermont when they stopped for gas. While filling their car the attendant says to the man, "I see you're from New York". The wife, who can hardly hear, yells out "What did he say ?'. The old man screams, "He sees we're from New York !". The attendant then remarks, "Beautiful state New York'. The wife yells out, "What did he say ?". The old man, getting irritated, screams, "He likes New York state !". Then the attendant leans in toward the man and says, "But had the worse sex in my life in New York". The woman yells out, 'What did he say, what did he say?". The old man screams "He said he thinks he knows you !".

[Ron61]

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[bliss]

Wisdom......

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
Remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
And to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
You'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
Alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.

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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.

[Ron61]

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."