Jokes

[cobra de capell]

ClubCobra Man Test !!

1.In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking B. Screwing C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2.You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared: A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship. B. Your blood-test results. C. Five tequila slammers.

3.You time your orgasm so that: A. Your partner climaxes first. B. You both climax simultaneously. C. You don't miss ESPN Sportscenter.

4.Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is: A. Healthy, creative love-play. B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to. C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out about.

5.Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is: A. The best part of the experience. B. The second best part of the experience. C. $100 extra.

6.Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is: A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate.

7.You think today's sensitive, caring man is: A. A myth B. An oxymoron C. A moron

8.Foreplay is to sex as: A. Appetizer is to entree. B. Primer is to paint. C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9.Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship? A. "I hope we can still be friends." B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep." C. "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."

10.A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate: A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy. B. Is uptight and a waste of time. C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results: If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man. If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're a little confused. If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[cobra de capell]

[wtm442]

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?
California became a state.The State had no electricity.The State had no money.Almost everyone spoke Spanish.There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had
real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

[Cobrabill]

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop.Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.
About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

[cobra de capell]

Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?", she asks.

"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?"

"Worked for your butt, didn't it?", he replied...


He lived, and with a great deal of therapy may even walk again....
_____

WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY...
LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME. AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS
WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.
SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOME WHAT DESPONDENT.

AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY, JANE SAID, "GOOD
MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME." I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD
GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY.

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S
SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID,
"BOSS, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK." "OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...

...FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".

AND I JUST SAT THERE... ON THE COUCH... NAKED