Jokes

[Sharroll Celby]

Said I was "Cool as an Arctic breeze"!

[BigGuy]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true,
so
he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone
stole it. Caution... They Walk Among Us!
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him
up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff." They Walk
Among Us!!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He
responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . They Walk Among Us!!!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard
one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on
her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but
"didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . They
Walk
Among Us!!!!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk... They Walk
Among
Us!!!!!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.... They Walk Among
Us!!!!!!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain
rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is
turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed
up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?"... They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it
cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

[Ron61]

Olympic announcement

Presidente Vincente Fox has announced that Mexico will not
participate in the next Summer Olympics.

The reason is that anyone who can run, jump, or swim... has already
left the country

[cobra de capell]

The Donkey

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in
the race again, and it won again.

The local newspaper read:PASTOR'S A$$ OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local newspaper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S A$$.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES...HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day....
-------

Tale of an Unhappy Marriage:

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.


The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid something up front. The man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.


A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department tumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.


Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.


Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband. The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared . . .

"ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT WALMART"

_____

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"

"Si, that's the one."

"Darn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat."

"Rotten meat? Who fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, senor. He ate the meat of the dead caballo."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky."

"Mr. Lucky! My horse that won the Preakness a few years back?"

"Si."

"How did he die?"

"He died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your hacienda! A candle fell, and the curtains caught on fire."

"What!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral."

"FUNERAL? WHAT FUNERAL?!"

"Your mother's. She showed up one night out of the blue, and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

*SILENCE*



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired!"

_____

DATING IN 1957

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with Her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
______

The First Jewish Woman President

The year is 2012 and the United States of America has recently elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldfarb. She calls up her m other a few weeks after election day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my gout is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

"Oh Mom" replies Susan, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York, kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 21, 2013, Susan Goldfarb is being sworn in as President of the United States of America. In the front row sits the new president's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her. "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible, becoming President of the United States?" The Senator whispers back, "Yes I do."

Says Mom proudly, "Her brother's a doctor”

____

Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a British journalist. The journalist
asked, "What do you think the last thought is in the mind of a deer

before you shoot it? Is it, `Are you my friend?` or is it `Are you the

one who killed my brother?'"


Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All

they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw

next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the

French."
_____

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex.
That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon......... You got nice house."
______