Jokes

[Cobrabill]

THE HUSBAND STORE
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in Toronto, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it."

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


MEANWHILE...

A NEW WIVES store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited....

[Ron61]

Subject: Do animals stutter ?




A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,"

she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of

these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the

Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we

knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl,

"My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...

and before he could say "****," the Rottweiler ate him!"

[Ron61]

A nun and her fortune

A NUN WAS SITTING AT THE AIRPORT, WAITING FOR HER FLIGHT TO
CHICAGO.
SHE LOOKED OVER IN THE CORNER AND SAW ONE OF THOSE WEIGHT MACHINES THAT TELLS YOUR FORTUNE AND THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'LL GIVE IT A TRY AND SEE WHAT IT TELLS ME."

SHE WENT OVER TO THE MACHINE, STEPPED UP ON THE SCALE AND PUT HER NICKEL IN. OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, AND YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO."

THE NUN SAT BACK DOWN. SHE TOLD HERSELF THAT THE MACHINE PROBABLY GIVES THE SAME CARD TO EVERYONE. THE MORE SHE THOUGHT ABOUT IT, THE MORE CURIOUS SHE GOT, SO SHE DECIDED TO TRY IT AGAIN. SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE AND AGAIN PUT HER NICKEL IN, AND OUT CAME A CARD THAT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING TO CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO PLAY A FIDDLE."

THE NUN SAYS TO HERSELF, "I KNOW THAT IS WRONG, I HAVE NEVER PLAYED A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT EVEN ONCE IN MY LIFE." SHE SAT BACK DOWN. FROM OUT OF NOWHERE A COWBOY CAME OVER AND SAT DOWN, PUTTING HIS FIDDLE CASE IN THE SEAT BETWEEN THEM. WITHOUT THINKING, SHE OPENED THE COWBOY'S CASE, TOOK OUT THE FIDDLE, AND STARTED PLAYING BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. SURPRISED AT WHAT SHE HAD DONE, SHE LOOKED OVER AT THE MACHINE, THINKING, "THIS IS INCREDIBLE, I'VE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN."

BACK TO THE MACHINE SHE WENT, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU ARE GOING CHICAGO AND YOU ARE GOING TO BREAK WIND."

NOW SHE KNOWS THE MACHINE IS WRONG, AS SHE THOUGHT TO HERSELF, "I'VE NEVER BROKEN WIND IN PUBLIC A SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE",

BUT GETTING DOWN OFF THE MACHINE SHE SLIPPED, AND AS SHE WAS
STRAINING TO KEEP HERSELF FROM FALLING TO THE FLOOR, SHE BROKE WIND.

ABSOLUTELY STUNNED, SHE SAT BACK DOWN AND LOOKED AT THE MACHINE.

SHE SAID TO HERSELF, THIS IS TRULY REMARKABLE! I HAVE GOT TO TRY THIS AGAIN.

SHE WENT BACK TO THE MACHINE, PUT IN ANOTHER NICKEL, AND ANOTHER CARD CAME OUT. IT READ, "YOU ARE A NUN, YOU WEIGH 128 LBS, YOU HAVE FIDDLED AND FARTED AROUND AND MISSED YOUR FLIGHT TO CHICAGO."