Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Cowboy Groom


A Cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said,
"This here is a very special night; it's our wedding night, and we need a good room with a strong bed.

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it a while and then replied,

"No, I guess not, I'll just hold on to her ears until she gets used to it."
_____



Here's the reply the teacher received the following day......

Dear Mrs. Jones,

I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.

I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.

Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.

From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smith

[cobra de capell]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:

Talking Dog for Sale

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA and they had me sworn into the toughest branch of the armed services ... The United States Marine Corps... You know one of their nicknames is "The Devil Dogs."

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders; because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger.

So, I decided to settle down. I retired from the Corps (8 dog years is 56 Corps years) and signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar! He never did any of that crap. He was in the Navy!"
____

An attorney phoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he speak to him regarding a matter of the utmost urgency. After much convincing, an aide reluctantly agreed to wake the governor.

"What is it?" the governor screamed into the phone.

"Well, Governor," said the attorney, "Judge Murphy just died and I want to take his place."

Without hesitation, the governor replied, "It's alright with me if it's alright with the undertaker."

[cobra de capell]

Subject: Political Science for Dummies (updated)
DEMOCRAT:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.

REPUBLICAN:

You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? It’s his own damn fault, so don’t even think about giving the lazy bum one of mine. Make him earn his own.

SOCIALIST:

You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST:

You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:

You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION:

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION:

You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION:

You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION:

You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:

You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION:

You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegal. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


UNION MAN

You’re too lazy to run a farm. You’re happy to milk someone else’s cow as long as you get 2 lunch breaks a day. Your cousin Vito gets his cut of the milk for keeping the farmer from firing you (for taking 2 lunch breaks a day).

You go to lunch and forget the cow needs to be fed too. Eventually it quits producing milk and dies. Now all you have to eat is government cheese made from other peoples’ milk.