Jokes

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Dave's night out
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real ***** tonight, Dave."
_______

[Ron61]

A rancher's widow needed help to run the ranch, so she advertised
in the local paper for a hired hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town
one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however,
and he didn't return.
Two o'clock came and still no hired hand. Finally he returned
around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. Unbutton my blouse and take
it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked,
ever so slowly..

'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently
and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt'. He slowly unbuttoned
it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra'. Again, with trembling
hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever
wear my clothes into town again, you're fired'.

[cobra de capell]

TOO OLD

An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his thingy. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, 'There really is no justice in the world.'

The other little old lady asked, 'What do you mean by that?'

The first little old lady replied, 'Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

'Now that I' m 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat.'
_____

For the female group - 15 thoughts for the day....

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b*tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12 . Remember wherever there is a good looking, sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bulls*it!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has tires or testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.
_____

[Ron61]

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France,
holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much
business happening. Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the
small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the
third floor.

The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to
his meat supplier to whom he owes E100. The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he
purchased some time ago. The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the
hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception
and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has
any debt and the small town people look optimistically towards their future.

COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE Global Financial Crisis?

[cobra de capell]

No joke....

You don't have a big pickup to tow your 6,000 lb. gooseneck trailer. A little careful, well thought out engineering can solve your problem.....

[cobra de capell]

New Nail Gun, made by DeWalt.

It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2x4 at 200 yards.

This makes construction a breeze; you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence. Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back relax with a cold drink and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

With the hundred round magazine, you can build the fence with a minimum of reloading.

After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid fire nail gun, the wife (or neighbors ) will not ask you build or fix anything else again!



Old one, but still funny....

A woman goes to her doctor's office, to discuss a strange development.
She has discovered a green spot on the inside of each thigh.
They won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting worse.
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until he gets the tests back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings.
Much to her relief, it's the doctor.
She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, 'You're perfectly healthy--there's no problem. But I'm wondering, was your boyfriend that Harley guy in the waiting room?'
The woman stammers, 'Why, Yes, but how did you know?'
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold..."

[cobra de capell]

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish downtown Toronto building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Channel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says...........

"Broccoli 49 cents a pound."
_____

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money so he opts for the no name.
Within a few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."
_____

Virus
There is a new e-mail virus about. Even the most advanced programs cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect only those who people were born prior to 1950.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "
DELETE."

It is called the C-NILE VIRUS
_____

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy
lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager. patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief lull the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager begin to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!"
_____

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.

Fact: 37,000,000 are getting/giving oral sex.

Fact: 1 lonely person is reading this... You hang in there, Sunshine!