Jokes

[bliss]

There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. 'Unprovoked' -- do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some dick from Jersey in the water: 'Hey shark, you freakin' lookin' at me? You got a problem or somethin'? I got somethin' for you to bite right here!'
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If I were a plastic surgeon I would put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

[bliss]

I'd just sold my homing pigeon on eBay... for the 22nd time.
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NEWS - HARLEY DAVIDSON SPEAKS TO "DECLINING BIKE SALES

Apparently the Baby-Boomers have motorcycles. Generation X is only buying a few, and the next generation isn't buying any at all.

A recent study was done to find out why Millennial's don't ride motorcycles:

1. Pants won't pull up far enough for them to straddle the seat.

2. Can't get their phone to their ear with a helmet on.

3. Can't use 2 hands to eat while driving.

4. They don't get a trophy and a recognition plaque just for buying one.

5. Don't have enough muscle to hold the bike up when stopped.

6. Might have a bug hit them in the face and then they would need emergency care.

7. Motorcycles don't have air conditioning.

8. They can't afford one because they spent 10 years in college trying to get a degree in Humanities, Social Studies or Gender Studies for which no jobs are available.

9. They are allergic to fresh air.

10. Their pajamas get caught on the exhaust pipes.

11. They might get their hands dirty checking the oil.

12. The handle bars have buttons and levers and cannot be controlled by touch-screen.

13. You have to shift manually and use something called a clutch.

14. It's too hard to take selfies while riding.

15. They don't come with training wheels like their bicycles did.

16. Motorcycles don't have power steering or power brakes.

17. Their nose ring interferes with the face shield.

18. They would have to use leg muscle to back up.

19. When they stop, a light breeze might blow exhaust in their face.

20. It could rain on them and expose them to non-soft water.

21. It might scare their therapy dog, and then the dog would need therapy.

22. Can't get the motorcycle down the basement stairs of their parent's home.
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."
--Steven Wright

[bliss]

Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man.

At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!"

"Thank you," replies Judy. "This is the Plotnick Diamond."

"The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?"

"Oh yes, the diamond comes with a curse."

"A curse?" asks the lady. "What curse?"

"Mr. Plotnick."
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A Philosophy professor walked into class the first day and told his students,

"We all know why we are here right? So we have something interesting to talk about in the unemployment line".
_____

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”

--Oscar Wilde--
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Teacher: "If I say I AM BEAUTIFUL, which tense is that?"
Little Johnny: "Obviously past tense."
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A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."