Jokes

[392cobra]

Drinking With A Texas Girl


An illegal immigrant Mexican, an Arab, and a Texas Girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks non-alcohol beer
('cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his
AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make
glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The TEXAS Girl , cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her
45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.

Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,
'In Texas , we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice.'

GOD BLESS TEXAS!

[Jaydee]

new York Guy please explain why this is funny. I don't get the joke?
JD

[bliss]

Positive attitude...

Saturday night a friend of mine gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital. ICU, tubes up his nose & down his throat, wires monitoring every function, a hell of a pain over his left ear, and an absolutely gorgeous nurse hovering over him. It was obvious he'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at him deep & steady and he heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'

He managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your breasts, then?'

NOW THAT'S A POSITIVE ATTITUDE.



Why those old time remedies worked...

[bliss]

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDdZHIuAzVQ"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDdZHIuAzVQ[/ame]

[bliss]

In 1952, Armon M. Sweat, Jr., a member of the Texas House of Representatives, was asked about his position on whiskey. What follows is his exact answer (taken from the Political Archives of Texas).

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being.

"However, if by whiskey you mean the lubricant of conversation, the philosophic juice, the elixir of life,the liquid that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into Texas treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.

"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on matters of principle."
_____

I know this board likes trivia. Here's a bit of trivia a bet nobody here knows…

Long ago there were two Jewish brothers from Poland by the last name of Perske. Yitzhak Perske moved his family to Israel. He had a son named Shimon Perske.

The other brother moved to the US and had a son named William Perske.

So Shimon and William were first cousins.

William had a daughter named Betty Joan Perske.

Shimon Perske changed decided to Hebraize his last name to Peres.

If the name Shimon Peres sounds familiar, it's because he became a famous politician, serving two terms as Prime Minister. Just three weeks ago he completed a term as President of Israel.

As for his cousin's daughter, she also changed her name. As her last name, she used her mother's maiden name of Bacall. And she changed her first name to Lauren.

I was thinking about this because I just read the said news that Lauren Bacall (OBM) passed away just a few hours ago.

[bliss]

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OBAP_VMJGE"]A Car That Runs On Clean Renewable Energy[/ame]

[bliss]

[bliss]

Sometimes, you just can't win......



Not funny, just saving face....

[bliss]

[bliss]

Interesting images - not funny....

Some incredible images

Also, interesting.....



Meanwhile, somewhere in America....




Funny - allow me to top that off for you...

[Joe Wicked]

One to add to your list

Some people are like Slinkies. They are not really useful for anything but they bring a smile to your face... ...when you push them down the stairs. - me.

[Ibr8k4vetts]

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
Hands down the best!!!!

[Jaydee]

Women should be obscene and not heard.
JD

[bliss]

Best day ever.....



Short love stories...

A couple was driving home late at night after a party when the wife asked, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy, and irresistible you are to women?"
Her flattered husband grinned. "No, dear, they haven't."
She yelled, "Then what in the hell gave you that idea at the party tonight?!"?

>>>>>>

Bob says to his friend Bill, "My doctor says if I don't give up sex,
I'll be dead in a week."

"Why is that?" Bill asks.

Bob replies, "I've been screwing his wife."

>>>>>>

The Judge asked the prostitute, "Tell the court when you realized you had been raped".
The Prostitute replied, wiping her tears, "When his check bounced."

>>>>>>

A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish
and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he
leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was
stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

>>>>>>

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."

He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"

>>>>>>>

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified. It read: "Wife Wanted" The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: You can have mine.

>>>>>>

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

>>>>>>

"I have to be very careful not to get pregnant," a woman told her friend.
"I don't understand," said the friend. "I thought your husband had a vasectomy."
The woman answered, "Precisely."

>>>>>>>

At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for
the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small
male genital. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

[bliss]

A bit of History....

Al Capone's Bullet-Proof Cadillac



Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan....

Say you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is
no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and
four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.

This means, of course, that you'll be sent to prison where you'll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great.
Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

They're all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government
that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.
And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.
And now, because you're a prisoner, you don't have to pay any
more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

[bliss]

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."
"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks "and" a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

"Look Dad" "You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
_____



Business Man in 1st Class, to a Sexy Gorgeous Air Hostess:
Business Man: What is your name?

Hostess: Angela Benz, Sir!

Business Man: Lovely name, any relation to Mercedes Benz?

Hostess: Yes Sir, very close.

Business Man: How close?

Hostess: Same price!

[bliss]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[bliss]

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy.

One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, “My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite.”

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, “Moishe, would you look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!”

[bliss]

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with
their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"


All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?"

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
"I love you, sweetheart." Then, the women were then told to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received, in response.

Here are some of the replies:

I think some are hilarious...if you have been married for quite a while, a sign of true love... who else would you reply to in such a succinct and honest way.

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the f*ck did you do now?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she???
_____

Wait! What....

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Hey Bliss,
That video of the surfer was taken just down the road from where I live.