Joke of the Day...

[Mbechmann]

Originally Posted by Ibr8k4vetts

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Oakland Raiders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Raiders go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,

"I will never forgive you for making us move to Oakland !!

Mike, that story can not be true. Not by a long shut. Oakland Raiders will never win Super Bowl.

[392cobra]

THE DAY IT ALL STARTED

It was March 6, 1836, and on that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort. William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said.........

"Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?"

[Ibr8k4vetts]

The Religious Cowboy
>>
>> A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
>> The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
>> The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
>> The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
>>
>> The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
>> One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
>> The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
>> "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Church and I had to quit drinking."
>> "Hasn't affected my brothers though."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A Bad Day

There I was is sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen, and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[392cobra]

Q. What do the Cowboys and possums have in common?
A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road!

[letsboogie351]

A 12 yo boy is on an international flight on his own. A well dressed gent sits down beside him and says "its a long way to England maybe we can chat to pass the time>
The boy says "I guess so"
Let me start says the man, I'm a nuclear scientist, what do you know about that?
The boy replied " I will answer that if I can ask you a question first"
OK go ahead says the scientist.
The boy says "Why is cow poo flat, sheep poo like marbles, and horse poo round and crumbly?
The scientist thinks for a while and says I don't know the answer to that.

The boy replied " You don't know sh*t and you wanna talk nuclear science!

[FWB]

Confucius say woman that fly upside-down....have crack up

[392cobra]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
DIKU: Do I Know You
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

[392cobra]

PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence , Kansas , December 12, 2008

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her
friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.


The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.


The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.


Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:


1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.


2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.


3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.


4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.


Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

[Ron61]

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin..

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act...

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice. .. . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . .... . .. . . . . . . . . .
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot...

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes

(Send in large type so you can read it)

[jdean]

Truths For Mature Humans


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is a huge need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from
3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years
for men to realize that their brain is also important.

[Rick Parker]

Not sure if this has been posted but it's pretty funny:



100 MPH GOAT...................Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the
size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listen
and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give
me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up
to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and
trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here
a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert
miles an hour, and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible. I had him chained to a
transmission!"

[dave from mesa]

A man was riding the bus, minding his own business, when this gorgeous woman next to him started to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on, eat it all up or ...I'll give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[dave from mesa]

Shot my first turkey yesterday.

Scared the heck out of everyone in the frozen food section…

It was awesome!

Gettin' old is so much fun !!!

[letsboogie351]

I decided to become less Chauvinistic and be more sensitive to my wife's needs.
I bought her a new bag and a belt.
The Hoover works great now.

[Ralphy]

John Boehner and the President will tee off later this month. However I would guess there will be very few words spoken. Boehner will be hitting to the right of the fairway and Obama will be hitting to the left. Distancing each other greatly. Being that the Preident is a south paw this has a high probability.

WARNING: THIS POST IS MADE WITH NO AFFILIATION! DON'T GO THERE!

[lnfletcher]

After being married for 47 years, I took a careful look at my wife one
day and said ... "47" years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car,
slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I
got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 homes, a $40,000.00 car, a nice big bed
and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It
seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a
hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again
be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed
and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[dave from mesa]

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday
after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second
Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks
for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they
asked him what happened.

The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[dave from mesa]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging
your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid bastards because I wasn't
even at home yesterday.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50million
tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going
to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got
pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I
went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant.
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?.
Paddy replies - I'm gunna take her with me!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".... Mick says
"Let's hope it's not the 13th."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police
station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy:
"We'll lie and say we only found two."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

[4RE KLR]

Did you hear the Japanese has finally made a camera with a shutter speed fast enough to catch a woman with her mouth closed?

________________
Ferrari Killer
Steve

Must Sell Right Now

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