Joke of the Day...

[emberglo66]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife died. The local funeral director told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000.00, or you can bury her her, in the Holy Land, for $150.00."


The man thought about it and told the funeral director he would just have her shipped home.


The funeral director asked, "why would you spend $5,000.00 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only have to spend $150.00.


The man replied, "long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead!


I just cannot take that chance.....

[Legless]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[ERA535]

The two gay guys are standing at a bus stop when an absolutely stunning woman walks by. They both stare at her until she disappears......then the one gay says to the other "you know, it's times like this I wish I was a lesbian."

[Ibr8k4vetts]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Chevy, YOU ride in it!!!" Mike
________
Kawasaki F2

[ERA535]

What do you call a quarter pounder with cheese in Ethiopia?

An Ethiopian woman with a yeast infection....





sorry....

[427sharpe]

ERA--that's not funny, thats sick!

[ERA535]

Yeah it is pretty bad. In fact it usually stops the joking.

[Turk]

Pat,
I liked it. As a matter of fact it may be more meaningful if it was illustrated!!


TURK

[CobraDan]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put. Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him
and asked, "What the heck is going on?" The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the sh*t out of a ghost."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Dan

[JimsGems]

More a statement of truth rather than a joke, please forgive me.

“Never be afraid of doing anything you choose… Remember The ARC was built by an amateur and The Titanic was built by professionals.”

Could apply to your Cobra, but we have some real good professionals in our group too.

[JimsGems]

This is a totally insensitive... I've never been accused of being Politically Correct, matter of fact I go out of my way not to be, unless "P.C." means "Patriotically Correct", well here goes...

The Ambassador from Pakistan and the Ambassador from Saudi Arabia asked if they could ask President Bush a question after his address last week at the United Nations. President Bush granted their request in respect for their assistance in the "War against Terrorism", both Ambassadors told the President that their children watched movies and television programs called Star Trek, they noticed there is a Russian, blacks and other races but no Arabs or Pakistanis or any mention of Muslims.

President Bush, being a very thoughtful man, took a few moments and smiled, leaned over so that the Ambassadors could hear him, he said softly... "There are no Arabs or Pakistanis or any mention of Muslims because this is in the future."

[CobraDan]

Jim,

Where were you when I posted that same joke on the 5th?

Dan

[Dave Samson]

Hey Turk, your wish has come true:

[JimsGems]

I wondered where I got the joke from... ups, sorry.

I've had a nap since the 5th and I'm feeling better... now I remember.

Dan, it's still very funny. Best, Jim

[dscott]

This is an Oly and Lena joke so you need to use the appropriate accent.

Lena goes to the doctor and tells him Oly just isn't interested in making love to her anymore. The doctor asks what she wears to bed, Lena tells him a flannel nightgown with buttons up the back. The doctor tells her to put the nightgown on backwards and leave the buttons undone so her breasts will be seen, fix her hair real pretty, put on makeup, and then ask Oly to go to bed. Lena does what the doctor told her. She fixed herself up real pretty, put her flannel nightgown on backwards, left the buttons undone so her breasts stuck out, went in to the living room and asked Oly, "Oly, ya notice anything diffrent!". Oly says, "Ya Lena, ya got yur nighty on bacards, the poop stain runs down the front now"
Don

[got snake?]

what do you call a 300lbs female Green Bay Packer fan?

anorexic.



GS

Tom Waddle on Fox said it before the GB and Bears game.

I know the bears lost but it was funny as hell before the game!

[CobraDan]

This not being a joke I made another post.

[Flyin_Freddie]

This shouldn't be on a 'Joke of the Day' thread, Dan. This merits posting all on it's own thread. Obviously we don't know this kid...at least I don't, anyway....but, his grasp of the world is phenomenal.

Please post this on another thread that's easier to identify, will you? I printed it off ...

[poorboy]

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bouns. They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a stright line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to mesure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.


The secon man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-streched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.


When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."




The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.





The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?"





"In Vietnam" the general replied.

[CobraDan]

Subject: Fw: Changing Places




A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day."

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balance the check book. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set
up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Hahahaha! Don't you just love it?