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  #41 (permalink)  
Old 11-19-2001, 07:28 PM
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Only in America.....



1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns
in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering
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  #42 (permalink)  
Old 11-19-2001, 09:23 PM
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CobraDan,

I can't tell if you're more Cosby or more Carlin--either way, you've obviously got powers of observation...

Jamo
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  #43 (permalink)  
Old 11-20-2001, 05:23 PM
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A minister decided to do somethig a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. What ever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross". Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross".

The Pastor hollered out "Grace". The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound!"

The Pastor said "Power," The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood"

The Pastor said "Sex" The congregation fell in total silence. Everone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afrid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from way in the back of the church a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing .................................................. ..
.................................................. ...............................................
.................................................. ...............................................
.................................................. ........."Precious Memories"
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  #44 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2001, 10:57 AM
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" 'Twas the Night before Payback....."


'Twas the night before Payback and all through the Land,

They're running like rabbits in Afghanistan,

Osama's been praying, he's down on his Knees,

He's hoping that Allah will hear all his Pleas.

He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and Shatter,

But all that he has done is just make us Madder.

We ain't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,

And we'll kick your butt with a our big heavy Boot.

And yes, we remember the USS Cole,

And the lives of our sailors that you bastards Stole.

You think you can rule us and cause us to Fear,

You'll soon get the answer if you live to Hear.

And we ain't forgotten your buddy Saddam,

And he ain't forgotten the sound of our Bombs.

You think that those mountains are somewhere to Hide.

They'll go down in history as the place where you Died.

Remember Khadhafi and his Line of Death?

He came very close to his final Breath.

So come out and prove it if you are a Man,

Cause our boys are coming and they have a Plan.

They are our fathers and they are our Sons,

And they sure do carry some mighty big Guns.

They would've stayed home with children and Wives,

'til you bastards came here and took all these Lives.

Osama, I wrote this especially for You,

For air mail delivery by B-52.

You soon will be hearing a thud and a whistle,

Old Glory is coming, attached to a Missile.

I will not be sorry to see your ass Go.

It's Red, White, and Blue that is running this Show.
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  #45 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2001, 02:40 PM
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Default must be nearly Xmas

Mrs. Bandlow says to her husband,.....
"I had the strangest dream last night. It was Christmas,
and our tree was decorated with all kinds of penises.
White ones, black ones, circumcised and uncircumcised,
big and small. And on the top of the tree was the
*perfect* penis."

Mr. Bandlow says, "I bet that one was mine."

She says, "Sorry, honey, it wasn't."

He says, "You know, it's weird, but I had almost the same
dream. A Christmas tree decorated with pussies...shaven and
unshaven, thin and thick lips, scented and unscented... and
the one on the top was the *perfect* *****."

She says, "I suppose that one on the top was mine?"

He says, "Nope. Yours was holding up the tree!"
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  #46 (permalink)  
Old 11-25-2001, 10:06 AM
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A new job!!

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo
factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door.
The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole
line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed
up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several
minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
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  #47 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2001, 01:23 AM
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The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy
new clothes, etc.
Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the
ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.
Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing
across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.
By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the Cobra car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing,
I would have given you all of my business!"
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  #48 (permalink)  
Old 11-26-2001, 01:57 AM
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Default Comedian !?!?!

A strikingly handsome young man walked into

the office

of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in

hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume

and small portfolio with the care that was deserving

of his fine young specimen.



"You have the very obvious good looks and excellent

demeanor of an actor. "Tell me, have you had any

roles that I might be aware of."



"Other than the requisite high school and college

plays, no sir," said the handsome young man.



"I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like

yours," said the agent.



"Sir?"

"Your name. Penus Van Lesbian. That's not a name

that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent

you, but you'll have to change your name."



"Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van

Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his

father's name. We have carried this name for

generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or

any other reason."



"If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you

young man."



"Then I bid you farewell-my name will not change."

With that, Penus Van Lesbian left the agents office

never to return.



Five Years Later...The Hollywood agent returned to his

office after lunch with some producers and shuffled

through his mail.



Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There

was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed

the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a

check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He

looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He

read the letter:



Dear Sir:

Several years ago, I entered your office determined to

become an actor.



You refused to represent me unless I changed my name.

I objected, saying the Penus Van Lesbian name had been

carried for generations and left your office.



However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my

hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided

to heed your advise and endeavored to change my name.





Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to

millions worldwide.



Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often

that I think back to my meeting with you and your

insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt

of gratitude, so please accept this check with my

humble thanks.



Very Sincerely Yours,



Dick Van Dyke
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  #49 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2001, 01:30 PM
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Default Don't quit now.....

Little Nancy is in the garden filling in a hole when the neighbor peers over the fence. Interested in what the little darling is doing, he asks "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died" Nancy replied tearfully, "and I'm burying him."

The neighbor observes "But that's an awfully big hole for your goldfish."

As she pats the last bit of dirt into the hole, Nancy replies "That's because your damn cat ate him."
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  #50 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2001, 09:39 PM
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A man is visiting Chicago for the first time on business. He decides to go have a drink at the bar at the top of the Sears Tower. He sits down next to another guy who is slamming down shots. So the man starts some small talk about how tall the building is and it's the first time he's been to Chicago and the guy's eyes light up. The guy says, "You know Chicago is the windy city and the wind blows so hard up the side of this building, you can jump out the window and the wind will hold you up 5ft off the ground at the bottom".The man said no way so the guy slams another shot and jumps out the window. He falls until he is about 5ft off the ground and just hovers. He stands up and goes inside the building, rides the elevator to the bar and orders another shot. The man decides he has to try this so he slams a shot and jumps out the window. He falls and falls until he hits the concrete splattering everywhere. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "You sure are an asshole when you drink, Superman".
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  #51 (permalink)  
Old 11-30-2001, 11:06 AM
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DEAR Mr. ABBY-- Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -- your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together.

Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys. A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood.

Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral on him and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep never giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.
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  #52 (permalink)  
Old 11-30-2001, 11:51 AM
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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go
before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must
decide which of them gets in.

The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go
to heaven, whereupon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these.
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will
please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The
Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her
purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

The angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in." Dolly is outraged.
"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations
and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets
in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the angel, " but even in heaven, a royal flush
beats two of a kind.
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  #53 (permalink)  
Old 11-30-2001, 02:14 PM
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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a
child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note.

"I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7
AM." Signed, "The Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
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  #54 (permalink)  
Old 11-30-2001, 03:38 PM
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CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they
say about
Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,
although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor panty hose hung
sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in
a X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What
does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a
standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I
wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of
the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen
in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at
the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of
imagination. On Christmas Eve,with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise
came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during
the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliable legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained,
"It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her
clothes?",Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay
said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could
have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride
in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My
grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and
said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by
the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I
noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It
was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who
was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that
sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and
remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to
star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
whenever he can get out
of the house.
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Old 11-30-2001, 04:09 PM
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Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

5. All reports are in, life is now officially unfair.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use a few...

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?

16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I
go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm there after.
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  #56 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2001, 05:31 AM
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Default The Indian Brave

A young Indian brave went to see the old tribal chief. The brave said to the chief:

All these years, you have been the chief of our tribe, and all these years, you have named the people of our tribe. Tell me, how do you pick the names?

The chief replied:

The day your sister was born, I was in the great meadow and saw the sun rising up over the mountain. So on that day I named your sister "Rising Sun". When your brother was born, I saw a dear running through the brush, so I named your brother "Running Dear". This is the way I have named all of the people of the tribe over all these years. Tell me, . . . what makes you ask, Two Dogs F__king?
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Old 12-03-2001, 05:53 AM
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Talking

A West Virginian hitchhiker was picked up by a guy in a big Lincoln Continental. The West Virginian noticed a bunch of golf tees on the front seat and asked, "What are those things for?" The driver said, "They're to hold my balls while I drive." "Boy," exclaimed the West Virginian, "these Lincoln Continentals have everything, don't they?"
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Old 12-03-2001, 09:29 AM
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Reindeer facts

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
From My Wife

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Old 12-04-2001, 11:16 AM
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Wink Another day

Thinking Fast on your feet


One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent and told the boy to ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

The manager later approached the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Minnesota, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Minnesota," the manager asked.
The boy replied, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Minnesota!" The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?"
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Old 12-05-2001, 10:48 AM
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American History


It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775." he said.
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Suzuki
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Japs."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little s**t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted.


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