Joke of the Day... - Page 9

Jamo · #**161** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 12:35 PM

So true, so true...

Dave Samson · #**162** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 12:39 PM

Little Davey's father was livid when he walked around the back of the house only to find his son with his pants down and embraced with his prize ewe. "You had better explain yourself right now" yelled the dad.

Little Davey thought for a minute and replied, "Well Dad, it ain't love....but it ain't baaaaaaaaaad either

Jamo · #**163** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 12:42 PM

Now you're speaking gospel!

Shouldn't you be asleep or fighting fires on the other end or something?

Dave Samson · #**164** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 12:46 PM

Jamo,
I knew that would get you baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahing.
It's 6.45 am here in paradise, fortunately this summer the fires are 600 miles south of where I live.

Dave Samson · #**165** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 12:49 PM

There was a blonde who was sick of all the blonde jokes. One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.
"Tell you what. I have a proposition for you," said the woman.
"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?"
"Sure," said the sheep herder. So, she sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied "382". "Wow!" said the herder.
"That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car.
Then, the herder said, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you".
"What is it?" queried the woman.
"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Jamo · #**166** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 12:54 PM

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam* right.

CNN was showing some space photos of the fires/smoke--guess you folks will be getting all the tourists for awhile--all those pesky little babes in bikinis (if that much)...

Dave Samson · #**167** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 01:02 PM

Yes I saw those pictures from space too, amazing.
As for the babes, visiting Americans (including broad minded Californians) are still amazed at how little we wear outdoors, that includes men. It never really meant much to me until I went to Europe in the 60's and saw that nude bathing was the norm. in Germany. That's why I spent the next 10 years investigating the subject.

MDR · #**168** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 01:42 PM

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is "barking" at the front door who do you let in first?

Your dog, at least once you let him in he will shut up

Mike

ERA535 · #**169** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 04:15 PM

Here goes.

What is the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Putting them back in their wheelchairs.

Jamo · #**170** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 06:15 PM

You start telling your jokes on the way to KISS and I swear you will be the first to be consumed if we get stuck at Donner Pass.

Dave Samson · #**171** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 06:55 PM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train when they passed a field full of sheep

"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said Watson to Holmes.

"Yes, Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.

"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.

"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the legs and divided by four!"

Jamo · #**172** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 07:12 PM

English Sheepherder math. Armenians used to count that way until we invented shish kabob--no legs left now; much easier to count because they move slower.

Dave Samson · #**173** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 07:27 PM

Any chance now of converting to Korean cuisine ?
I hear that dogtail soup is on the menu this winter

Jamo · #**174** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 07:29 PM

Thought about it--but they're really not happy being buried in the ground...

Dave Samson · #**175** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 07:49 PM

I thought about it too but can't figure it out

I feel a blond joke comin' on.

ERA535 · #**176** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 08:02 PM

JAMO: ....."are you talkin' to me?*

*Robert DeNiro - Taxi driver

ERA535 · #**177** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 08:10 PM

Subject: liquor warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over
and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the
morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable
rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are
invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the
time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

jeff neely · #**178** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 08:14 PM

A six year old boy walks into the bathroom and catches his dad putting on a rubber. The boy asks,"Dad what are you doing." The Father replies,"Son I am trying to catch a mouse." The boy looks at him funny and say's,"what are you going to do when you catch it? **** it."

Dave Samson · #**179** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 09:11 PM

Yeh , I'z talkin' t'ya.

Dave Samson · #**180** (**permalink**) 01-03-2002, 09:17 PM

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down
together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"