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A GIRL'S PRAYER
Lord, Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong, One who's willy's thick and long. One who thinks before he speaks, When promises to call, he won't wait weeks. I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed. Pulls out my chair and opens my door, Massages my back and begs to do more. Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?" One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin, In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen! I pray that this man will love me no end, And never attempt to shag my best friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the dickhead you sent me instead. Amen. A BOY'S PRAYER Lord, I pray for a girl with nice tits. Amen. |
An English woman and a Redneck woman woman were grocery shopping, After
watching the other woman staring at and hefting two potatoes she asks, "What are you looking at?" The Redneck woman says the potatoes reminded her of her husband's testicles. The English woman exclaims, "THEY ARE THAT BIG?" The redneck woman says, "No, they are that dirty!" Two career drunks were extremely thirsty one Saturday night and decided to go to the store to get some cheap booze. In the store, the first drunk says, "All right, I have 87 cents; how much do you have?" His friend replies, "I have a dollar. What can we get for $1.87?" The first spots a big Italian sausage on the rack for only $1.80 and has a great idea. "Hey, here's what we can do" he says. "We'll buy that sausage there and put it in my pants. We'll go into a bar and order drinks. After the drinks are gone, I'll pull out the sausage and you start sucking on it. They'll kick us out of the bar and we won't have to pay!" The second drunk agrees and they head off to the bar. They walk in and order two beers and drink them down. When the beer is gone, the first drunk whips the sausage out and the second starts sucking on it. "What the hell are you doing? Get out of my bar!" says the bartender, and the two run out laughing. "That was great, and it didn't cost us a cent" says the second drunk. "Let's do it again!" So off they run to another bar for a repeat performance. This time it's 4 beers! The free drinks continue for 20 bars through the night. At the end of the night, the thoroughly inebriated second drunk says, "Man what a great night. All this drinking is making me hungry. Hey, pull out that sausage and let's eat it." "Sausage?" says the first. "I lost the sausage about eight bars ago!" This guy called up his lawyer to tell him he was filing for divorce, and the lawyer inquired as to the grounds for the suit. "I've got grounds, all right," sputtered the irate husband. "Can you believe my wife told me I'm a lousy lover?" "That's why you're suing?" pursued his lawyer. "Of course not. I'm suing because she knows the difference." The Japanese have invented the perfect woman robot. It has 5 buttons. 1. **** 2. Suck 3. Cook 4. Clean 5. Off A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son Morris, the surgeon. The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you." It was the first day of school and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said. "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said,'Give me liberty or give me death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who said, "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.'?" Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki is new to our country and he knows more about our history than you. She heard a loud whisper, "Screw the Japs." "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put is hand up, "Lee Icocca, 1982." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right, who said that?" Again, Suzuki said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki jumped out of his chair, waving his hand and yelled to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997." Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "If you say anything else I'll kill you!" Suzuki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted. As the class`gathered around, someone said, A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something. "Good afternoon Sir." says the officer. "Do you know why I stopped you?" "Yes, officer..." answers the man, "I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death." "Oh, really?" says the curious officer. "How's that?" The man explains, "There's a naked woman waiting for me at home." The officer says, "I don't see how that is a matter of life or death." The man exclaims, "If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man." Hallmark Greetings 1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, it's really good pay. 2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry! 3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers... and a box of Depends. 4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me. 5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder... What the hell was I thinking? 6. Congratulations on your wedding day! ...Too bad no one likes your husband. 7. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby? 8. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you... I've changed my mind. 9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you. 10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me. 11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ...would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again. 12. Someday I hope to get married... but not to you. 13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike! 14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise. 15. I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. 16. We have been friends for a very long time... let's say we stop? 17. I'm so miserable without you... it's almost like you're here. 18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... Did you ever find out who the father was? 19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you terribly and think of you often. 20.Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday... So we're having you put to sleep. 21. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama and Mississippi):LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :D :D :rolleyes: :rolleyes: |
sexual astrology
CAPRICORN 22 December - 21 January WOMEN: Don't need much foreplay - you go straight from zero to WOW in nothing flat! Not interested in exotic variation; only staying in power. Since you like to dominate, you like to be astride your man, set a rhythm, and please yourself. Once into a rhythm, lovemaking becomes a wild contest with orgasm as the prize and you can depend on getting here more than once. Also a scratcher and screamer. Best sex mates: Taurus, Scorpio and Pisces. MEN: Sex evokes the best he can offer. He is a planner and a schemer (that is schemer, not a screamer!). Prefers a woman who knows what he enjoys, and he expects her to be willing and ready whenever he wants her. Has the stamina of a marathon runner. Here is the man who will hold off until you are ready to scream! Erogenous zone: a massage that starts at the lower back and gently strokes upward along the sides of his spine. AQUARIUS 22 January - 21 February WOMEN: A slow starter, you idealise love and encompass it with tenderness. Once aroused though, anything goes! Extremely imaginative and likes to try new things. There is nothing in any sex manual that you won't try. Belief that anything that increases the pleasure for your partner is worthwhile. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Libra, Sagittarius and Aquarius. Favourite sex position: standing up, and in water. MEN: Never treats a woman like a sex object and prefers a variety of foreplay before getting down to it. May have to be revved up, but once his engine is started, he is free and inventive with amazing persistence. He will always see you through to climax. A woman that knows what she wants will be very happy. He usually ensures an orgasm twice - once orally and once genitally. Erogenous zones gently touching the calves and ankles will get him going. Be careful though - a kinky Aquarium can be a sadist who doesn't like to be denied! PISCES 22 February - 21 March WOMEN: Always make the right moves, say the right things, and create the right ambience. You are sexually liberated and enjoy a wide range of eroticism. If his fantasies coincide with yours, the action can really get torrid! You seldom say no to anything your lover suggests! Favourite places: in a waterbed or hot tub. Best sex mates: Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn, and Pisces. MEN: Takes the lead in lovemaking and impatient if he doesn't get a swift response. Indifferent to sexual restrictions, both moral and legal; prefers a partner with a tremendous sexual craving. Likes sex in a chair. He likes to be submissive. Becomes an addict to anything that will give pleasure and release. Erogenous zones: massaging and caressing his feet. ARIES 22 March - 21 April WOMEN: Wildly sensual, passionate and adventurous. You'll have sex anywhere, you know what you want - intense and frequent sex, you have a need for complete control, but you're also in love with love. As a mate, you are ardent, loyal, sentimental, and earthly. Biggest thrill - the tickle of a man's facial fuzz. MEN: Sleeping with him is like playing croquet with live bombs you never know what is going to happen! Never expect him to wait for you to be ready - he will rip your clothes off if he is ready to go. Don't tease him or you'd better be ready to deliver. Fond of slave master games and he likes it rough. Aries men are also explorers, so be ready to go where no woman has gone before. His favourite position - a woman on her knees leaning forward. TAURUS 22 April - 21 May WOMEN: You expect your man to be kind and patient and make love to you by the book. Like to be pleased by sex, but don't look for unusual approaches. But you are a demanding lover and leave your partner breathless. You have a need for oral gratification, both giving and receiving. Best sex mates: Cancer, Sagittarius, Scorpio, and Leo. Most likely kink: sucking on your toes, one by one. You also like biting . . . hmmm! MEN: He is the ideal lover - sensitive and understanding of his partner's feelings. He prefers it slow and easy; he won't be your guide to the exotic unknown, but that he does, he does beautifully. This is the guy to go for long and luxurious oral sex. Stamina? This man could wear down a glacier! His erogenous zone: gently and slowly kiss and bite the back of his neck. GEMINI 22 May - 21 June WOMEN: Often the aggressor; you are never embarrassed by your behaviour because you never adhere to any standards except your own. Your main requirement: a lover who knows how to take his time. You are a one woman harem, but a partner should be aware that in a relationship, the Gemini woman is looking for a combination of the spiritual and the physical, the romantic and the practical. You want to talk to the guy after you tumble with him! Best sex mates are Leo, Scorpio, Aquarians, Libra, and Aries. Favourite gadget: the vibrator. MEN: He likes it with the lights on in front of a mirror. He can work any partner into the mood because he knows exactly how to evoke the right responses. Oral sex isn't his favourite pastime, but will take his time with the other preliminaries. Tends to be fast and furious, more concerned with satisfying himself than his partner, but he is more than adequate in areas of lovemaking that are often neglected by other men. He can tell a woman exactly what she wants to hear. His erogenous zone: move your lips and tongue lightly up his arm. CANCER 22 June - 21 July WOMEN: Will never make the first move, but you can be a marvelous lover for you are capable of intense sensuality. You will reciprocate passion with a fever that will stir his heart and stimulate him to his best performance. On your own time, you have a fondness for masturbation. Your favourite position: lying prone while your man enters you from behind. Best sex mates: Taurus, Leo, Virgo, Scorpio, and Pisces. You may become a slave to sexual pleasure! MEN: His most surprising technique: intercourse with no hands. He has a need for constant encouragement and if gotten, he will be a delightful swain. Both patient and aggressive, he will often begin somewhere other than bad: likes being in command, and is a master at manual clitoral manipulation! You'll like the trip as it as much travelling to a place as it is arriving. LEO 22 July - 21 August WOMEN: Sleek, lascivious, enticing and lazy! Whatever Leo wants, Leo gets! Intensely responsive and there are bed partners who have scars to prove it. Your need to show off leads you to prefer the top where he can look up and admire the beauty of your body. Best sex mates: Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aries. Your sexual wardrobe: full of wispy cutout bras and panties! MEN: Simply brushes aside rules and conventions. One important rule to remember about him: NEVER tease. His endurance is remarkable and he has a great appetite for making love. He likes women in the submissive position and oral sex is okay when he is on the receiving end. He likes a woman to show how much she is enjoying it. His erogenous zone: his back is particularly vulnerable. VIRGO 22 August - 21 September WOMEN: You have no illusions about sex and wish everyone would stop magnifying its importance. Prefer men who will wait for the relationship to develop to the point where sex is inevitable. You love mutual masturbation and enjoy a little punishment and your grace and modesty is a great turn on. You become an artist at pleasing your lover. Favourite kink: can't truly enjoy it unless a third party is present. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer and Aquarius. MEN: Too shy to make an overture, but when the moment arrives, you had better be prepared for him to bring his pyjamas, shaving equipment, and toothbrush. He likes to talk about how you like it and having talked about it, he will key in on the right erotic response. Don't expect imagination, but he is a hard worker and is open to suggestion. His secret life: can be obsessed with pornography. Erogenous zones: his buttocks. LIBRA 22 September - 21 October WOMEN: Drama is the key word - you set the stage for sex. Intensely feminine and an instinctive exhibitionist. You feel your body was made to be seen and admired. Feel that seduction is an art, not an assault. When approached the right way, you find it easy to say yes to almost anything. Unusual control of vaginal muscles. Best sex mates: Aries, Gemini, Leo, Scorpio, Sagittarius, and Aquarius. Like any position where your buttocks are exposed. MEN: Looks for the whole experience, not just a tumble between the sheets. Has a definite kinky side, a voyeur and fond of the 'menage-a-trois'. He has the patience needed to satisfy. He like women who dress well and have long hair. If a woman's clothes look as though they are easily removed, he finds her hard to ignore. Erogenous zone: back and buttocks, especially the feel of erect nipples against either of them! SCORPIO 22 October - 21 November WOMEN: Inquisitive, searching and experimental. Knows that eroticism consists of more than the physical act of lovemaking. While looking like a perfect lady in public, you dress and act like a whore in the bedroom. Control of the orgasm is very important and will try anything to help your man maintain his potency. You never take no for an answer and when interested in someone, you will pursue him with determination and guile. Best sex mates: Gemini, Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. Props you love: scented body oils, flavoured lubricating gels, and vibrators. |
continued....
MEN: A lustful, sexy animal. Enjoys biting and sucking and is a master of oral sex. Inflicting pain turns him on so he may pinch at nipples or the inside of thighs. Likes it in water, but his kink is that the prefers wooden tables and hard floors to satin and silk. His erogenous zone is his genitalia. SAGITTARIUS 22 November - 21 December WOMEN: You like the outdoors - freaking out if you are in a tent, camper, or on the beach. You enjoy sex, but you don't like to prolong the preliminaries and want to start the main show as soon as possible. Like to tease your partner to the point of losing control. You don't mind if your partner comes too quickly - you are a generous and accepting lover. Best sex mates: Leo, Libra, and Aquarius. Your sexual wardrobe will consist of accessories - gloves and shoes! MEN: Sex is rarely an intense experience with him - he often comes too quickly, but he'll be the first to try a new position. He is the master of erotic massage - both oral and manual. His tongue can be a wicked instrument and when combined with his lips, creates an explosive effect! Erogenous zones: hips and thighs. And he likes to look at a woman's calves and thighs, and likes to have sex with a woman in stockings :LOL: :LOL: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE **) **) %/ %/ Bizarre Laws CALIFORNIA Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses. Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship. In Baldwin Park, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. In Belvedere, there is a City Council order which reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash." In Blythe, you are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows. In Chico, detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine. In Los Angeles, you may not hunt moths under a street light and toads may not be licked. In Pacific Grove, molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine. In San Francisco, persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. |
:LOL: :LOL: :MECOOL: :MECOOL: %/ %/ :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :D
*cough* *cough* *giggles* um .... You Might Be A Pothead If...... If you have ever given a van a tie-dye paint job you might be a pothead. If you have ever lived in a van you might be a pothead . If your van has blacklights, lavalamps, laserlights and glow in the dark stars in it you might be a pothead. If you have more than One marijuana poster you might be a pothead! If someone says "HI" and you immediate response is " No I'm not" you might be a pothead! If you have ever said" I just realized I'm sitting on a marshmello" you might be a pothead. If you have ever rolled a joint that was bigger than your thumb you might be a pothead! If you have seen more than 1 Cheech & Chong movie you might be a pothead! If you have watched Half-Baked more than 10 times you might be a pothead. If your friends nick named you Brian after watching Half-Baked you ARE a pothead! If you continuosly quote Half-Baked you might be a pothead. If you get mad at your enployer for not giving you holiday pay on April 20th (4:20 day) you might be a Pothead!!! If you have a countdown to the next 4:20 day on your web site you might be a Pothead! You might be a Pothead if you refuse to use Visine because it makes your eyes "Suspiciosly White" If you know that JOB rolling papers are actually JB rolling papers with a diamond in the middle, you could be a Pothead. You might be a Pothead if you refer to the one T-shirt that you own that isnt Tye-dye as your Dress shirt you might be a Pothead. If you have ever turned all of your underwear pink in a freak tye-dye accident you might be a pothead. If you have never smoked a cigarette, but you always have a lighter, you just might be a Pothead. If you consider bong-making to be a legitimate hobby, you might be a pothead. If you buy special glass cutting and drilling power tools to make Bong you might be a Pothead. If you have ever made a bong out of tin foil, paper towel roll, and a condom you might be a pothead. If you work at Watson's Supermarket you might be a pothead!! If it's, 9:20 and you say "well it's 4:20 in some time zone" you might be a pothead. If you know what the letters in NORML stand for you might be a Pothead. If you want to join NORML but are afraid that the FBI will start watching you. Its possible you are a Pothead. If you know what THC stands for but have no clue what H2O is you might be a pothead. If you know the chemical structure of THC but you flunked Chemistry in school you might be a Pothead. If you have a gro-light in your closet you might be a pothead. If you can convert grams to ounces in your head,but have no idea how many litres are in a gallon you might be a pothead. If you have ever been lost in your own home you might be a pothead. If you find the rolling paper back to be one of the handiest things on earth you might be a pothead. If you hang out with people named Sky, Smokey, or the Guy you might be a Pothead. If you have asked someone "Where the **** is the remote!" when it is in your hand you might be a pothead. If you have ever eaten ice cream with a plastic knife you might be a pothead. :LOL: :LOL: :MECOOL: :MECOOL: %/ %/ **) **) :3DSMILE: |
Deductions
----------------------------------- The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these travel deductions. You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver. " The Observant Child ---------------------------------- A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asks him: "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen!" replies the little boy. His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this. "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up! 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!" Top Ways to Piss Off A Man I am sure that any chick trying ANY of these on a guy would get it back at her ten times worse! Just a thought ...- Dotty -> Tell him he has to recite a Shakespeare love sonnet before you agree to do the horizontal bop. -> Tell him his brother is a better lay. -> Tell him his sister is better in bed than his brother is. -> Take the remote control apart and damage the circuit board inside. Put the remote back together. Smile sweetly while he goes nuts. -> Create an email account in his best friend's name. Email him suggestive letters and sign it, Love, Floyd. -> Rub his stomach. Say "Bhudda, Bhudda, bring me luck." -> Fake an orgasm while riding in the car and stopped at a stop sign. Double points if the car is parked outside his favorite bar. -> Subscribe to Woman's World, Cosmo and Redbook. Make the subscription in his name. -> Clean his tools with his favorite shirt. -> Give him all kinds of fabulous promises about the best blowjob he's ever had. Just before you start, say "DAMMIT! Chipped a tooth. Oh well, it won't matter." -> Tell him you've invited some friends over to play strip poker. Then say that his golf/fishing/hunting/poker/drinking/etc. buddies should be here any minute. -> Tell him you've always wanted to be a man and you finally have enough money saved up for the operation. Triple points awarded if you say it in front of his parents. -> Tell him you want to be closer to him all the time, so from now on your gonna use ONLY his razors to shave your legs. -> Burn his favorite meal, three times in a row. Make a salad in it's place. -> Tie him to the bed. Paint his toenails bright red. -> Tie him to the bed. Put on your sexiest lingerie. Do a striptease for him. Then have a long, heart-to-heart talk with him. -> Tie him to the bed. Put on an adult movie with the sound on and the screen turned at an angle that makes it VERY difficult to see. -> Call your mom. While he's listening, invite her to move in with you. -> Buy 1 ticket to his favorite, sold-out sporting event. Say "It was the last one, but to prevent any hard feelings, I'll just tear it up so we don't have to decide who goes." Burn the ticket. -> Out of the blue, look him straight in the eye and say, "It doesn't matter." Ignore him for 30 minutes. -> Tell him your pregnant and you *think-> he's the father. -> While he's sleeping, Super Glue his dick to his leg. Say "I was worried it might fall off and you'd lose it." -> Write a letter to another guy during sex. -> Tell him you shoved $200 in $1s into a Chippendale dancer's shorts the last time you went out for a night on the town with the girls. The Pilot --------------------------------- A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!" Angry passenger to luggage claims clerk: If this airline can fly three thousand miles from New York City and find Los Angeles in the dark, why can't they find my luggage? :LOL: :LOL: :MECOOL: :MECOOL: %/ %/ :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :) :) ;) ;) :D :D :rolleyes: :rolleyes: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: |
Do you know why most men from Italy are named
Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY. You know you're Italian when . . . . You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you. . You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag. . Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins. . You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother. . You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners. . You only get one good shave from a disposable razor. . If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair. . There are more than 28 people in your bridal party. . You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion. And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when: . Your grandfather had a fig tree. . You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. . Christmas Eve . . . only fish. . Your mom's meatballs are the best. . You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you. . Plastic on the furniture is normal. . You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella." . You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy." . You've called someone a "mamaluke." . And you understand "bada bing" How To Be A Good Dog VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark, bark, bark... LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe. Closing Time A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away. The Patrolman, just waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy." Young Son As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" First Encounters Miss Figpotr was trying impress upon her seventh grade history class how Native Americans must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," said she, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," Little Johnny answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date." |
YOU KNOW YOU ARE A NURSE IF.....
The front of you scrubs read: 'Nurses...here to save your ass, not kiss it!' You occasionally park in the space with the 'Physicians Only' sign, and knock it over. You've ever told a patient to 'move toward the light.' You believe that all the patient needs is some vitamin A (ativan) You've ever run out of linens, syringes, IV fluid, meds, and patience all at the same time You believe some patients are alive only because it's illegal to kill them You do the "only-27-more-minutes-of-the-shift-from-hell happy dance" You always follow the rules, but be wise enough to forget them sometimes. You believe any family member who is more drunk (or more stupid) than the patient, is the real problem. You can't cure stupid. You believe if it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone! You believe just because someone's license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing. You have seen more moons than the Hubble telescope. To you the phrase "divide and conquer" means getting two co-workers to help you change the bedsore dressing in the crack of a 400 pound patient. You ever, secretly, wanted to mix crazy glue into the lube while inserting a foley on a patient that has pulled out three catheters on your shift while restrained. You own at least three pens with the names of prescription medications on them You never get into an argument with an idiot, because they only bring you down to their level and then beat you with experience You ever had a patient die shortly after saying, 'Hey, watch this' You ever wished that they would make corrugated catheters to use on really annoying patients. You no longer have a gag reflex. You make up new ways to describe strange patients True --a doctor friend of mine would put the number "45" on the chart to warn the nurses that the patient wasn't playing with a full load of chromosomes. You hope there's a special place in Hell for the inventor of the call light. You believe not all patients are annoying. Some are dead. You believe the definition of stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. You think pizza, cookies and coke make a balanced meal. You tell cops where to go without fear! You can only tell time with a 24-hour clock. You've ever thought, 'Patients, God love 'em, because today, I sure don't!' You believe that saying, 'It can't get any worse' causes it to get worse just to show you it can. You wash your hands before you go to the bathroom You have ever referred to an intoxicated patient as a FORD (Found On Road Drunk) You call some of your co-workers 'Flowers in the Field of Medicine' because they're bloomin' idiots You've ever used the acronym F.T.D. (Fixin' to Die) or L.T.B.B (Lucky To Be Breathing) You've ever thought a blood pressure cuff would be an excellent gift for Christmas. You've ever spent more money on a stethoscope than on a car payment. You notice that you use more four-letter words now than before you became a nurse. You think it is acceptable to use "penis" and "vagina" in a normal conversation. You look in your closet and can't find anything non-medical to wear. You believe any job where you can drive to work in pajamas is a cool job. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong and if nothing has gone wrong, you've obviously don't understand the situation. Everyone gets treated exactly the same---until they piss you off. The ER is a mixture of can do, can't do, and why the hell not! You can identify the following Syndromes: F.O.L. (Full Of Liquor) A.D.A.S.T.W. (Arrived Dead And Stayed That Way) W.O.T.A.M. (Waste of Time & Money) You consider a tongue depressor an eating utensil You have placed your irritating patients/family members on P.I.T.A. (Pain In The ASS) precautions! Ever had a patient whose positive pregnancy test prompts her to call the next day and ask if you can tell who the father is. Ever referred to KY jelly as "Goober Grease". You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky. You have ever referred to a patient as "genetically challenged." You've developed a crease between your brows from trying NOT to inhale the various human secretions you've encountered over the years. Eating microwave popcorn out of a clean bedpan is perfectly natural. You've been exposed to so many x-rays that you consider it a form of birth control. Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank. You've ever held a 14-gauge needle over someone's vein and said, "Now your going to feel a little stick." You refer to motorcyclists as organ donors. You've ever had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots." You stare at someone in utter disbelief when they actually cover their mouth to cough. You automatically multiply by three the number of drinks a patient claims to have daily. You can keep a straight face when a patient responds, "Just two beers." You develop Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from constantly locking and unlocking the Narcotic Cabinet You refer to a patient as having a high DBI (dirt bag index), which is calculated by the following formula: DBI = number of tattoos divided by number of missing teeth, multiplied by number of "tracks" added to estimated days without a bath! Your idea of a meal break is finishing your coffee before it gets cold You make up acronyms so non-medical people won't know just how sick you really are: GOMER, GORK, TSTL...(Get Out Of My Emergency Room, God Only Really Knows, Too Stupid To Live) You think "awake and stupid" is an appropriate choice for mental status You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level Discussing dismemberment over a meal seems perfectly normal You believe in the aerial spraying of Prozac You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce You believe the 'On-call Nurse' program is a satanic plot You believe unspeakable evils will befall you if the word 'quiet' is uttered You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick You believe you have patients who are demonically possessed You believe waiting room time should be in proportion to the length of time from symptom onset (You've had pain for 3 weeks...have a seat, well get to you in 3 days) You refer to vegetable and you don't mean the food group You know the local detox center number by heart You believe the lab should have a 'dumb ****' profile on the lab requisition slip You firmly believe that 'too stupid to live' should be a diagnosis You have to leave the patient before you begin to laugh uncontrollably You believe a book entitled 'Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time' will be your next project. You find humor in other people's stupidity Your idea of fine dining is sitting down to eat You believe a good tape job will fix anything You get an almost irresistible urge to stand and wolf down your food, even in the nicest restaurants Your idea of a good time is a Code Blue at shift change You don't believe 90% of what you're told, and 75% of what you see You have your weekends off planned a year in advance You feel that most suicide attempts should be given a free subscription to "Guns and Ammo" magazine. You've ever had a patient look you dead in the eye and say, "I don't know how that got stuck in there". You have ever restrained someone...and it wasn't a sexual experience. Your feet are slightly fatter and tougher than Fred Flintstone's Your immune system is well developed that it has been know to attack and kill squirrels in the backyard. You have recurrent nightmares of being hit and run over by the portable x-ray machine. Date Rape Drug Targeting Males Police warn all clubbers, party-goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages. |
The Cat Diet
It may not make you thin but it will make you smile! Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). The Cat Miracle DietŠ will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck! DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat one bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room. Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house. Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die. Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse's or partner's plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning. DAY TWO Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it. Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf. Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed. Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room. DAY THREE Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find. Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with. Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor. FINAL DAY Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow. Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon. Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard. Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his dick, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants. "Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says. "No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your dick?" Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says, "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!" |
The Politically Correct Woman
_....._ ." ", --She is not a BABE or a CHICK - / ___/_ \ She is a BREASTED AMERICAN. | /- -\ | \ ( ^\^ ) / --She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - '.!\_=_/!.' She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT. _<\)_(/>_ / \ / \ --She is not a BAD COOK - / '-' \ She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE. | /\__,__/\ | \ \ ) ( / / --She is not HALF NAKED - \/\ /\/ She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED. \/\ /\/ |)/---\(| --She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - | |___| | She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED. |/\___/\| |\ ^ /| --She does not GAIN WEIGHT - | `"""` | She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER. |_______| | | | --She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - jgs | | | She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE. )_|-'\_ / /T"._\ --She is not EASY - '-' She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. --She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES. --She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION. --She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE. --She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION. --She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. --She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE. --She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT. ,{{}}}, {{/ \}} --She is not KINKY - }}}^.^{{{ She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION. {{\ = /}} }}})-({{{ --She does not have a KILLER BODY - /{{ \_/ ((\ She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE. / ( ) \ / /`\- -/`\ \ --She has not BEEN AROUND - \ \ )%O%( / / She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. `\\/ \//` (/ \) --She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - | | She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT. | | | | --She is not an AIRHEAD - / / / \ \ \ She is REALITY IMPAIRED. After | | | | jgs |/ \| --She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - / \ / \ She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. `-' '-` --She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT. --She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT. --She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY. --She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE. --She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. --She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION. --She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT. --She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE --She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. --She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED. --She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. Women think they already know everything, but wait, training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait until After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet too 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First 8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. PMS: Your Problem . .. . Not His 20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To 21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have 22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice 23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together 24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both (not just tissues and air fresheners) 25. TV Remotes: For Men Only 26. Getting ready to go out: Start the day before Please register immediately as courses are in great demand. http://www.pogolo.com/pages/DoYouLikeToFart/default.asp http://www.pogolo.com/pages/Farted/default.asp |
Roosters
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
"Okay old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle all of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You are washed up and I am taking over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and boom, he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Dangit, third gay rooster I bought this month." |
CNN HEADLINES 08/12/2002
Poland's worst air disaster occurred
today when a small 2-seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far, and expect that the number will climb as the digging continues into the night. |
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa
mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!" The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!" The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is.... > > > > > > > > > MOLASSES! Babysitting ----------------------------------- A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait." "What Do You Think?" ---------------------------------- A fellow took his talking dog to a show business talent agent, and the dog told six or eight familiar old jokes, including a couple with French and British accents. "What do you think?" the dog's owner asked the agent. "We're gonna make a fortune, right?" "Well," the agent replied, "his delivery's all right, but his material's weak." What A Weigh To Guess --------------------------------- Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number. "Looks like 91/2 pounds," he offered confidently. "This must not be your first," I said. "Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first." "Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked. He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman." An ad for St. Joseph's Episcopal Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets." A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear. "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy. "Omigod I've been transferred to Los Angeles, the second answered. They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the world, smugglers, aliens..." "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in Los Angeles all my life, and its not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world." The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said "Oh, thank god. I was worried to death, but if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living? "Me?" said the first. "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser Beer Truck." On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded: - Two Italian men and one Italian woman - Two French men and one French woman - Two German men and one German woman - Two Greek men and one Greek woman - Two English men and one English woman - Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman - Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman - Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman - Two Irish men and one Irish woman - Two American men and one American woman One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: * One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. * The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois. * The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman. * The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them. * The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. * The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island. * The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions. * The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store. * The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the English aren't having any fun. * The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a goddamn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this godforsaken deserted island in the middle of friggin' nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping... Three aspiring psychiatrists attended their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from the University of Texas, "What is the opposite of Joy? "Sadness," responded the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked the student from Harvard. "Elation" was her reply. "And you, sir," he said to the young man from Texas A&M. "How about the opposite of woe?" The Aggie replied, "Sir, that would be giddy-up." In Pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The US Federal Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and has announced that is has settled on Mycoxafailin. Also considered were Mycoxaflopin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit, and of course, Ibepokin!! |
Top Ten Things NEVER To Say To A Woman During An Argument:
10. "Don't you have some laundry to do or something?" 9. "Oh, you are so cute when you get all pissed off." 8. "You're just upset because your ass is beginning to spread." 7. "Wait a minute...I get it -- what time of the month is it?" 6. "You sure you don't want to consult the Great Oprah on this one?" 5. "Sorry. I was just picturing you naked." 4. "Whoa, time out, honey. Football is on." 3. "Looks like someone had an extra bowl of ***** Flakes this morning." 2. "Is there any way we can do this via e-mail?" AND THE #1 THING YOU SHOULD NEVER SAY TO A WOMAN DURING AN ARGUMENT.... "Who are you kidding? We both know that thing isn't loaded." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q: What's the difference between the 1960's and the 2000's? A: In the 2000's, a guy goes into a drug store and shouts, "Give me a box of condoms," and then *whispers* to the clerk, "and thrown in a pack of cigarettes, too." Q: What do you get when you try to cross an elephant with a poodle? A: A dead poodle with a fourteen-inch asshole. Q: What does a Jewish child molester say? A: "Pssst, hey kid, ya wanna buy some sweets?" Q: Why can't Italians roller blades? A: They're wop-sided. Q: What do you call a Mexican after a vasectomy? A: A dry Martinez. Q: What's the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging? A: A sewing machine only has one bobbin. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Counter-terrorism experts are now saying that Osama Bin Laden may be hiding secret messages in pornographic websites. You know what that means? Clinton could find this guy before Bush does." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~ The Top 15 Differences If Everybody Knew Kung Fu 15> Then: David Letterman's camera operator hit by occasional flying pencil. Now: David Letterman's camera operator hospitalized with a throwing star lodged in his skull. 14> Nerdy grade-schoolers bulking up since they always have plenty of lunch money. 13> Conversations are a ***** to follow with everyone's lips always out of synch. 12> Handgun Control, Inc. changes name to Hand Control, Inc. 11> David Carradine? Still the same bald-headed old wuss. 10> Drastic increase in hospitalized "This Little Piggie"-playing grandparents. 9> Forced to rely on his acting skills, Jackie Chan slips rapidly into a career in Asian porn. 8> With the added fight scenes, "Sleepless in Seattle" isn't just a chick flick anymore. 7> Martha Stewart demonstrates the importance of fresh meat by tearing the still-beating heart from a buffalo. 6> Annoying Jehovah's Witnesses dispatched with a simple roundhouse kick. 5> "The Bob Newhart Show" Drinking Game: Everyone does a shot whenever Bob beheads someone with a roundhouse thunder-kick. 4> "Coffee refills are not free? Then taste my fists of death!" 3> In 2000 election, George W. Bush's conventional attack soundly defeated by Al Gore's "crane technique." 2> "And now, singing our national anthem, the man who wrote it -- Carl Douglas!" and The Number 1 Difference If Everybody Knew Kung Fu... 1> When a Triad drug lord burns down his father's noodle shop, Bruce Lee exacts revenge through his practice of the exotic but deadly art of "Civil Litigation." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
A Pretty Nun & A Hippie
A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down
next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?" "No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop. The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: "I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!" "Yeah?", says the hippie. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray. So all you have to do is dress up in robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God." The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night. "I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his face. "Have sex with me." The nun agrees without question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate not to lose her virginity. 'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her. As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish. "Ha-ha," he cries. "I am the hippie!" "Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I am the bus driver! " |
HER HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...
You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears. Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket. Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face. PMS lasts all month. Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display. "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are you finished yet?!" He yawns when you ***** about that guy hitting on you at work. Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable. Two weeks no orgasm. Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it. When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back. You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator. A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!" The Bird Question" A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol." Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?" Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's..." Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush." Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo." Pam: "Are you sure?" Carol: "I'm sure." Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?" Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo." Regis:" Is that your final answer?" Pam: "Yes." Regis: "Are you confident?" Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart." Regis: "You said C) cuckoo... And you're right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!" To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her," Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?" "Pam, it was easy," replies her (blonde?) friend. "Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks." Sex Quotes Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural wholesome things that money can buy." Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither." Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Rodney Dangerfield: "If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." Rodney Dangerfield: "My wife said she'd like to have sex in the back seat of the car... and she wanted me to drive." George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." Harvey Korman: "Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building." Did you hear about the constipated Mexican Ghost? He was full of sheet. Why are Jehovah witness women flat chested? Everybody pushes them off their porch. ================================================== =========== A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Billy. She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-****a!" ================================================== =========== Guy explains to his doctor, "Doc, when I got up this morning, I put on a pair of white gloves and started calling my wife Minnie. Then on the way to work I couldn't help singing 'Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to work I go', and when I got there I started calling everyone Happy, Grumpy, Dopey and so on. What's the matter with me?" "That's easy," replies the doctor. "You're having Disney spells." ================================================== =========== Confucius say, "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money" ================================================== =========== Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead." Johnny says, "All right." He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest dick she's ever seen... Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick. She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it." He says, "Not for five bucks you can't." ================================================== =========== As part of his parole agreement, Mike Tyson has to go back to school and finish grade five. This is Mike's Ebonics homework vocabulary assignment. He must use each new word in a sentence. 1. Catacomb I saw Don King at da fights the other night. Man, somebody get that cat a comb. 2. Foreclose If I pay alimony today, I got no money fore close. 3. Rectum I had two Cadillac's, but my ***** rectum both. 4. Disappointment My parole officer tol' me if I miss dis appointment, they gonna send me back to the joint. 5. Israel Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bull****, that watch is rael". 6. Undermine There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine. 7. Acoustic When I was little, my uncle bought me a coustic and took me to the pool hall. 8. Iraq When we got to the pool hall, I tol' my uncle "i raq, you break." 9. Stain My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?" 10. Fortify I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "forti fy." ================================================== =========== After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man said, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` The blonde goes into the store and does her shopping. When she finishes and returns to her car she discovers that she has locked her keys in the car. Finding no one to help she returns to the store in search of a clothes hanger. After locating a hanger she goes back out to the parking lot and carefully opens it up and proceeds to work on her door to get it unlocked. After a few minutes, she succeeds in opening the door. When she gets home, beaming with pride, she tells her story to her husband. She also reassured him that she was going to make sure she was prepared for the next time. She says: "I kept that hanger; I put it in the trunk." |
@ RESCUED COAL MINER'S A BIG POLITICAL NO-NO!!!
> Date: Tue, 13 Aug 2002 06:53:43 -0700 > > > > A Senate Committee, composed of Senators Tom Daschle > (D-SD), Hillary Clinton (D-NY), and Diane Feinstein (D-CA), has announced that the rescue of the > Pennsylvania coal miners has been cancelled, and the > miners will, by recommendation of the Committee, be placed back in the mine. > > The Senators noted the following violations in the > rescue process: > 10. Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue > site without concern for possible air pollution. > > 9. Water was pumped out of the mine without first > determining if it was polluted, or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for the water. > > 8. Numerous holes were drilled in the ground > during the rescue, without first performing an Environmental Impact study. > > 7. No effort was made to ensure racial, ethnic, > and sexual diversity of the rescue workers. > > 6. The Republican Governor of Pennsylvania was > heard to "Thank God" during a live television broadcast of the rescue, violating the separation > of church and state. > > 5. Several people at this public, government > supported, rescue effort mentioned praying. > > 4. The trapped miners did not represent a > diversified cross section of American society. > > 3. Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary > Clinton were not given > > sufficient time to make speeches at the site. Bill > Clinton was in Australia and also could not be contacted in time. > > 2. The Senate was not given sufficient time to > determine whether or not any Republican officeholder owned stock in the coal company, thus being > > responsible for the conspiracy that caused the > mine to flood. > > > > And Number 1.... > > No one mentioned that Al Gore invented mine > rescues. > > > > "Once a proper diversified group of miners has > been chosen and placed back into the mine shaft, the holes will be sealed, the water will be returned > > to the mine, and the rescue will then be > undertaken again, in an environmentally and politically correct manner", the Committee > noted. > > > > Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA) also suggested that, as > he had experience, perhaps a "bridge" could be constructed as a cheaper method of rescue. > > Strange...Very Strange ----------------------------------- >From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain. "I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts." Fidgeted, Whined, and Punched ---------------------------------- A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz. Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail. Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way." Checkout Redemption --------------------------------- While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the clerk at the checkout counter, I inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed, so I said to the her, "That's okay, it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?", the checker said. "Yes", I said, "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones, I'm sure!", said the checker. Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. :LOL: :LOL: |
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news and bad news for you."
"The way I feel, please give me the good news first," replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!" the man said, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the doctor. |
The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows:
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" This is a message from G-d: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER. User Error: Replace user. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)" Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SHE'S GOT PMS IF... 1. She retains more water than Lake Superior. 2. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm. 3. She buys me a new T-shirt with a "bulls eye" on the front. 4. She stops reading Cosmo and starts reading Guns and Ammo. 5. She's suddenly developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles. 6. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semi-automatic and "chambers a round." 7. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding her broom. 8. She buys $100 worth of chocolate and justifies it by saying "But honey, I just know it's one of the major food groups." 9. When I ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?" 10. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Caffeine-free Coke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THINGS PMS COULD STAND FOR... Pass My Shotgun Psychotic Mood Shift Perpetual Munching Spree Puffy Mid-Section People Make me Sick Provide Me with Sweets Pardon My Sobbing Pimples May Surface Pass My Sweatpants Pissy Mood Syndrome Plainly; Men Suck Pack My Stuff Permanent Menstrual Syndrome Potential Murder Suspect ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. 2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. 3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them. 4. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. 5. You change your underwear after every sneeze. 6. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendale's. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~` Survey Says... why men get out of bed in the middle of the night... 5% said to get a glass of water 12% said to go the toilet And 83% said to get the hell out of there! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ MOM'S BROWNIES Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375. Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. "no, no." Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour. Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain tokids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still time and he's still able to run away. FROSTING Mix the following in saucepan:1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away-- far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen. Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ GETTING OLDER Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight? Did you bring your Mylanta and Tums? Does your memory stray, to that bright sunny day When you had all your teeth and your gums? Is your hairline receding? Are your eyes growing dim? Hysterectomy for her, and its prostate for him. Does your back give you pain... do your knees predict rain? Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight ... Is your blood pressure up, your good cholesterol down? Are you eating your low fat cuisine? All that oat bran and fruit, metamucil to boot, keeps you like a well oiled machine. If it's football, or baseball...he sure knows the score. Yes, he knows where it's at...but forgets what it's for. So, your gall bladder's gone. But his gout lingers on. Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ |
When you're hungry, he's not. when you're cold, then he's hot.
Then you start that old thermostat war. When you turn out the light, he goes left, you go right. Then you get his great symphonic snore. He was once so romantic, and witty and smart. How'd he turn out to be such a cranky old fart? So don't take any bets, this is as good as it gets. Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Vacation is that time of year when you get away from the trials and tribulations of the office and enjoy some trials and tribulations with your own family. Vacation is a time to get away and forget about everything. I know my kids always forget to go to the bathroom before we leave. I find after most of my vacations that the boss is glad to have me back, almost as glad as the family is to send me back. Vacation is two weeks where you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that "it all" just waiting patiently on your desk. It's amazing how you can come back from a two week vacation and find six weeks worth of work on your desk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, and Hillary got $8 million for hers. That's $20 million for two people who for eight years repeatedly testified they couldn't remember anything. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?," he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, well, you can come with me to my house," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me!" "Bring them along!," replied the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said: "You come with us, too." But, sir, I have a wife and six children!," the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says: "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied: "Glad to do it. You'll love my place; the grass is almost a foot tall." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit? Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20. Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels "feel" as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers. Teaching Math in 2002: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? Teaching Math in 2010: El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es............ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~ The Little Jewish Grandmother A little Jewish grandmother gets on the crowded bus and discovers that she doesn't have correct change for the fare.The driver tries to be firm with her, but she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs, "If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." He caves in and lets her ride for free. She tries to push her way down the crowded aisle,but people won't move over for her.She finally places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,"If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." The crowd parts like the Red Sea and lets her down the aisle.She gets to the back of the bus where there are no seats and looks significantly at several people, none of whom take the hint and get up to offer her their seat.Once again she places her hand delicately over her chest and murmurs,"If you know what I had, you'd be nicer to me." Several people jump up and insist that she sit down and ride in comfort. A woman who had been watching all this leaned over and said to her,"I know this is none of my business,but just what is it that you've got?" The little Jewish grandmother smiled and whispered, "I've got chutzpah!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Top 10 things to do to telemarketers! 10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." 9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. 8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where she could know you from. 7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends ....would you be my friend?" 6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. 5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. 4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. 3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" Say good bye -- and Hang up. 2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" 1. And first and foremost: Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Well, this is not on the top ten list but I enjoy saying to them, especially when they sound so "canned" and there's no doubt in your mind that they are reading it, stumbling right through it . . ."It's difficult to read it, isn't it?" You don't dare ask them a question in the middle of their spiel because they get lost and all messed up. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA). After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN ITALY) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA..... |
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